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BOOK REVIEW: How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:

I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?

It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.

But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”

How to Spot a Dangerous Man

The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.

The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.

Overriding our warning system

But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.

Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.

“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”

Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.

Dangerous Man Workbook

So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.

The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.

In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?

If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.

Both books are available on Amazon.com:

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook


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198 Comments on "BOOK REVIEW: How to Spot a Dangerous Man"

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Man, it bothers me that we as a society has regressed to the point such publications are necessary. Yet, as a male I feel the need to avail myself of such resources anyway. In my life I know that by living outside of the will of God and be doing that which my Lord does not condone, I open myself up for another lesson or set of lessons to learn!

Would I stay on the path, I’d not have to suffer such consequences for my poor choices. Nonetheless, the universe does offer correction and it appears perpetual.

While I don’t mind learning and growing, it seems in some ways I am retarded. However, when one considers the context, the society in which we live, it’s a wonder that more evil doesn’t occur.

The only thing that bothers me about this review is that the work appears to be rather sexist. I guess this is one to add to the feminist psychology literature. But that stuff doesn’t help women & men to relate, to unite, to form strong bonds and healthy relationships. My concern is that this book might add to the schism(s) between women & men and make it even harder for a woman to trust and to have a positive fulfilling relationship with a man.

Somehow, we’ve got to get back to the team work that prevailed between wife & husband BEFORE the early 20th century, before all the lies were spread that women were oppressed and men always oppressed women. There was more equality on the early American farm homestead than at any time since its demise in the last part of the 19th century when the Industrial Revolution kicked in and kicked families apart.

to gr8ful70x7
your comment is interesting. I am stuck with a possible sociopath. and i have struggled with the very same conflicts that you mention. it is perhaps the reason i am stuck. i start thinking about what people had to do during the Great depression to help others have a roof over their head. what amount of tolerance did people have. tolerance of being harmed by the person they were trying to help have shelter. putting up with it because one probably felt too guilty kicking someone out onto the streets where there were so many other already homeless people. the economy is bad right now. i can’t get myself to make ANOTHER person homeless. it reminds me of the whole thing where the women’s lib movement led women to do soul searching and find the perfect career, spending lots of time doing self help stuff, etc. when men have had to work, especially in hard times, they did not have the luxury of soul searching. it was find work or starve. sometimes i think too that people resort to bad behavior just to survive. lying about qualifications to get work so that the heat can stay on. also, how much of the behavior is actually do to satanic forces. I didn’t believe that stuff before…but i do now. the bad economy right now and health problems of me and those around me are really puting all this into a different perspective for me personally. And you have verbalized some thoughts i’ve been unable to verbalize. thank you

I would also recommend reading up on Abandon-oholics… if you are one This web site says something VERY VERY significant to the admonition to ‘listen to your gut.’

How about following your gut?

If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.

Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.

If you are a vulnerable person, your gut is flawed in the first place. That’s why websites like LoveFraud are so INVALUABLE!

Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist to try and keep them in relationship– as part of their deceit? i do not know if I can get over this part. If he could con a 60 year old psychiatrist– imagine how easy it was to con me? And then when he was “done” with me– the sweet girl working in a nursing home– he played “vicim” to me by crying and going to the therapist and telling him how mean I was and that he just could not take it any longer!!!

Dear Fighter–
Amazing– what I just read from your post.
I am adopted and this man knew of my traumatic past/severe abandonments. Unfortunately he used them to help keep me in his web.

will I ever get over being attracted to the unavailable?

MIRRIOR effect The Con ! and THE HOOK! They are all so much alike and all (our) stories are all the same just different game pieces ! LOVE jere

the opposite of LOVE is use not hate !

OH MY I was adopted as well and my ex used that against me too. Said no one wanted me because of the way I am…and what not. All because I didnt wnat to take his crap anymore. I just thought that was cruel and uncalled for. I now know both my biological and ofcourse adopted parents and both sets are wonderful people. Theses s/p can just be so mean with things they say…so why do we want to still be there in it? I once told him to not even come to my house…he leaves in another state and his reply was I wouldnt come to that lame place ever again…but still wants to get married and be a family..???? um am I missing something????

“Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist… ”

Oh yeah. Classic ploy. Narcissists and Sociopaths are both absolutely in their element when they’re swimming in drama. Sometimes the first clue that you have a problem with them is when people come up to you and ask how you could possibly be so cruel to them. They will actually start generating public sympathy against you BEFORE they sucker punch you!

Consider this: If they can fool you, why would you be surprised that they can fool mental health professionals, pastors, judges, police officers…yada, yada, yah.

By the time you consider trying to get help to deal with the problems the Sociopath or Narcissist has created, you may already have lost your reputation to their pretensions of victimization.

If I were you, I’d look at this phenomenon in a positive light. The sociopath/narcissist has fooled some pretty smart people, so you’re in good company. Sociopaths/Narcissists don’t bother to fool people they see as no challenge or having nothing to offer. It’s a kind of compliment that your Sociopath bothered with you, possibly the only sincere compliment he’ll ever offer.

“Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals. ”

With me it was simply a good old fashioned Methodist background. We’re supposed to police our own behavior and question our own motives, constantly trying to be better Christians. We’re not supposed to scrutinize others. We’re supposed to accept them as they are and try to help them any way we can.

Now I try to remember to ask myself what I think of the people I encounter. It takes a conscious effort. From time to time I realize I’m acting like a doormat again, and I give myself a swift kick in the pants! People don’t have to be Sociopaths to whipe their feet on a doormat. It’s normal behavior. “Don’t be a doormat!” I remind myself several times a month.

Elizabeth Conley: Did anyone mention that “they” are spineless cowards and ooze with slime.

You know, if we built an ark today … to wash the sins and sinners off the face of the earth again … the likes of ‘them” certainly wouldn’t have a place in the ark … but then again, God promised he wouldn’t do this again … oh, well, we are a few centuries too late (LOL) .

Enough said.

WOW, so great comments from folks we haven’t heard from before! I wish everyone who reads here would post more!

Brown’s book is quite good, because unfortunately, society does teach women (and some men) that there “is good in everyone” (NOT true) and that our society teaches that “if you’ve had a bad break you just need someone to love you enough” (NOT true) and women are also ‘judged” by what their “attachment’ status in the society is, and unattached women are ‘not ok.’

As far as ‘making someone homeless” and feeling guilty about it, that is another thing, it is not YOU who are making them homeless, but THEIR BEHAVIOR, you are not required to take in every person who would mooch off of you or feel guilty. (I can relate to that one)

I recently had to ask some “friends’ to leave who by their poor decisions had come to live in their recreation vehicle (a motor home) and don’t have enough income to rent a space, so I let them live here on my farm (them paying their own electric bill) and they became ‘entitled” to walk all over me, not respect my boundaries, not behave with common courtesy and clean up after themselves, but to leave messes for me to clean up without any apology. To allow their dogs (which were dangerous to the life of my dog) to roam at will and potentially kill my small dog.

After confronting them on these boundary crossings, when there was no improvement in their behavior, I asked them to leave. I felt really “guilty” about doing this (I was still working hard on learning to set and maintain reasonable boundaries) but it WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVIDE THEM A PLACE TO LIVE and ALLOW THEM TO ABUSE ME IN THE PROCESS. Now, I realize that it is not my responsibility to provide for anyone other than myself. I don’t have to feel guilty if I don’t let my friends and family abuse my hospitality. If these people TRULY care about me, they will NOT ABUSE ME. Therefore, since these people were abusing me, they obviously didn’t care enough about me to NOT ABUSE me. So, what have I lost? A friend? I don’t think they were much in the way of friends if they were abusing me, so I really haven’t lost anything except a continual pain in the neck and an irritation.

Like Elizabeth said “I”m no one’s door mat” and I am not required to be anyone’s door mat.

Like, you, Elizabeth, I like to help others, and I don’t mind helping anyone at all, but to have people accept my help, and decide that they are ENTITLED to have me assume their responsibilities for providing housing and a lively hood for themselves, is not “helping” it is ENABLING, and I am not going to enable others by taking over responsibility for them. I do police my motives, and I do try to be a better Christian, but even Christ didn’t encourage us to be door mats.

As far as “scrutinizing” others, Jesus advised us to “by it’s fruits ye shall know”—if a tree’s fruit is bad, the tree is bad (i.e. if the behavior pattern of a person is bad, the person is bad” ) That is not judging, but OBSERVING.

If a person is a chronic liar, abuser, user, thief, etc. then we are advised to get away from them, don’t associate with them, “don’t even eat with them.” GOOD ADVICE!

my x socio had the local police convinced that i was the crazy one, he would go on his rampages (as me and my family call it. ) finally i got an order of protection so he cannot menace me or itimadate over phone, email, or in person. The judge dropped it on my kids(he can pickup at curbside)he convinces the judge he should be in there lives and is working on geting a job and a place where the kids can visit. and the judge gave it to him. so he convinced a judge he should still see his kids and the local cops that i get PMS really bad.

Dear Brenda1213: Remember, courts need to stay neutral, having both parties interest at heart … that does not prevent professionals from children and youth services in your area to be overseeing the interests of all parties involved, you, your Ex, and the children.

I hope you remember to make the call to those professionals to help in your situation.

Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.

Oh, and Brenda1213: Remember too, police are not judge nor jury, nor attorneys … they are to intercede in between … not to make judgments … but to do their jobs without taking sides. What you perceived at the time that they were taking sides, could have been that they were showing both you and your EX respect … not getting involved … just doing their jobs.

to wini, thankyou for your input it makes sense, i still feel like his victim sometimes. i am seeking therapy for me and my kids, and my daughter has a social worker from MHA(mental health assoc.) i am healing, i just worry so much about my kids and him having a relationship with them, cause i know how dangerous he can be. peace to you

brenda1213: I know how you feel … when our backs are up against the wall and we want to scream to the hill tops for everyone to naturally understand our concerns at that particular point in time … we loose site that others are there to intercede and protect all parties involved.

Remember, TRUTH floats to the top, no matter how many lies are piled on top of it … it does eventually surface and becomes victorious… you just need to be patient … it’s not instantaneous, even though we want so desperately for truth to surface.

Peace to you and your children as everyone heals.

I hope this is can be of some consolation to you … there is a reason for every thing to happen at the time it is happening … but it is on God’s time frame, not ours.

“Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist” ”

When we first met, my x P was all full of praise for therapist, in the sense of saying he thought communication was the key to relationships and that people ran away from problems too much (in reference to his former wives), and in his next relationship he had decided if any problems arose, he would be willing to do whatever it took to work thru the problems, even willing to go for couple counseling blah blah. HAHAHAHAHA!

In reality, this man hated therapists and the very idea of one. Late in the relationship, when I started seeing a therapist he was furious. Fortunately, when I said I had gone to see a therapist, I did NOT say the therapist name and there were quite a few in the area. He ranted about me seeing a therapist (how stupid it was and how I must be crazy if I was seeing a therapist). He also made the comment that when he went on his “serial killer spree” that the therapist I was seeing was gonna be tops on his list of people he wanted to knock off. I only saw that therapist six times, but I never did tell him the therapist name in spite of his badgering. Probably just an idle threat to try to get me to stop going, but by that time I realized he was dangerous and I wasn’t about to tell him who I saw.

But when he was court mandated to go to drug/alcohol class (conducted by a therapist) after his 30 day jail sentence due to another DUI, he was a model d/a participant. I know this because the therapist allowed family to come and he often wanted me to go with him. To listen to him in discussions you would have really believed he saw the error of his ways and was really focused and determined to clean up his life. He actually had me convinced that he was “working” towards giving up the booze (and drugs) permanently. That is, until he started bragging later (in front of me) to people about how he beat the random drug test because he STOLE a test (out of the therapist box of drug tests that the therapist left on a table in the lobby) so he could later use that stick to give to the therapist instead of the one he actually peed on during the random drug test. The therapist would accompany them to the bathroom, watch them pee, then send them out in the lobby to sit with their test until the colors on the stick processed. He was still drinking and doing cocaine the whole time.

He also stole sticks from the “clean” people out of the trashcan (the trash can was sitting outside the bathroom door and people woud throw their sticks in it.) Of course he wasn’t the only one stealing clean sticks out of the trash and tossing their dirty sticks in. I saw several people do it over time.

BTW, I also heard alot of discussions (immediately after each class) from some of these men and women, who were comparing notes on where to go to score drugs after class. And one night, one woman bent over to tie her shoes and her crack pipe fell out of her jacket pocket!!!!

Although I am sure some people in the class really wanted to beat their d/a problem, from the conversations I heard during break and after class, it seemed most of them (although certainly not all of them were sociopaths) were “conning” the therapist in the sense of telling him what they needed to say to make it thru the class, only attending because it was court ordered, and they seemed not in the least interested in giving up drugs.

I tend to think people who seek out a therapist would have a vested interst in being honest with the therapist, but someone who is court ordered into therapy or who has a spouse or family member pushing them into therapy, may tend to con or lie to the therapist, whether they are a sociopath or not, simply because they aren’t really interested in being there and getting help to begin with.

BTW, I do not do drugs at all and was quite naive about them and drug users habits. I attended roughly 3/4’s of those classes and I will say it was one of the most educational/informative things I have ever done. It also gave me some great tools in being better able to spot a dug user that I may be associated with. If you ever get a chance to attend a drug program, I highly recommend you GO!

Dear Elizabeth andJen2008–
Thank you for your responses. They are my first. There sure seem to be a lot of smart and compassionate people here.
So–anyone—HOW DO I RELEASE/LET GO/STOP OBSESSING over how I wish I could write or email or call or let that psychologist (By the way– yes– he was there b/c his mommie was paying for it– at the age of 39!) and convince him of WHAT he is working with– that he is part of this guy’s narcissistic supply?? Then again–I would now look bad b/c of the drama this guy has created to distract the truth being seen (His own deceit and evil.)
pure evil. That’s all I can say. But how do I let go of the above?? Or do I write a letter? Advice!
Wini– thank you for the comment on truth!

akitameg

OxD wrote sept 9 tue in archives

Forgive yourself for being Human

Also Aftermath:Surviving Psycopathy Google this good stuf Love jere

Dear Akitameg,

It takes a while to get over that “need” to contact them and “tell them off” or to “get closure”–the only way that is successful is to NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND. No phone calls, no letters, no texts, no voice mails. Don’t listen to them, don’t read them, no contact at all. Don’t even talk to someone (other than here) about them, don’t let anyone tell you about how they are doing or deliver messages for them to you.

Thisis important to let your mind free up from the FOG they have had you in. It WORKS, but it does take time.

Come here and read and read and learn about them, the articles here are very informative and interesting and will give you insight into how they have twisted your mind and spirit. THE FUTRE IS BETTER, it will be better, but it is WORK and hard work at that, but you will find that it is worth it. COMPLETELY worth it! I speak from experience on that, and I have cried buckets of tears, screamed thousands of “bad words” pounded my head into the pillow, the floor and the wall. But now I am FREE and I am happy, and I have a life again! Life is GOOD! God bless. Hang in there.

Thank your Jere and OcDrover!

ARe we allowed to talk about sex with the psychopath (Sounds like a book in itself.)?
I do not want to break any boundaries. Nothing graphic.

Dear akitameg,

This blog talks about just about everything, and as long as it is not “prono” then I don’t think there would be a problem, but if you have a question, you can e mail Donna Anderson, the owner of this site and ask her, or e mail her the thing you want to post and ask her if it is okay with her. She is a pretty cool gal, and no topic has been labeled “off limits” except flaming another member or “preaching” religion or philosophy to someone else. This is one of the nicest, most friendly sites that I have ever been on.

We have some pretty diverse opinons here but everyone seems to respect every other poster’s position. Glad you are here, this is a healing and safe place. Welcome.

Is gr8tful 70×7 still around?
just read an old post of his and would really, really like to contact him.

Here Here Why can’t we say People instead of male or female ????

Bloogert1765?

it’s us Human beings it’s not male or female

Sexual exploitation has always been here ! For a male to be taken advantage of by a female is Old school boy redneck backwoods RIGHT OF PASSAGE! And most of the time the male is plum happy to be taken advantage of !

But the laws have changed this because they could’nt be seen to keep looking the other way and there is $$$$$$ involved !

I don’t condone any of it but ! The right of passage to man hood In american Indians is 10 ! when will america wake up from purtain ideals ?

Drinking laws 21 to give your LIFE 18 ?????????????

Dont ask dont tell??????? Don’t get caught! LOVE jere

I am a new victim and the biggest problem I am facing believe it or not is
> that–
> Here I was– in love with this man. My sex life with him- for two years
> was wonderful. Euphoric actually.
> Six weeks ago–I find out he is a sociopath and needless to say– I would
> never contact him again– much less be intimate.
>
> So– why is it literally depressing me and causing me EXTREME hurt and
> anxiety to think of this person– or the person he pretended to me– being
> intimate with someone else????
> This makes me sick. I thought he was “forever” and he continuously said
> that he was–
> especially during love making.
> We also had fabulous chemistry– I am 39– trust me– I will not find this
> again.
>
> Has anyone else experienced this? Here I am– thinking of how he will be
> with– and most likely is already with another woman and I feel sick and
> jealous???? What?
> Wait a minute! This man has no conscience. had NO empathy for me. Lied
> to everyone and created smear campaigns about ME– Made me out to be a nut
> with his family, friends and therapist so that when he was “done” (His mom
> died and he is going to inherit)– that he could blame me. The sweet girl
> who is a therapist with Alzheimer’s’ residents everyday!!!
>
> I hope to God that what someone wrote yesterday (Fighter?) about being
> attracted to abandoners is true. Maybe my subconscious knew what he was?
>
> Then again– if I had followed God– I never would have had sx with him.
> And this never would have happened.
>
> Ughh.
>
> Feeling very, very scared, alone and hopeless that I will never get over
> this sx part.
>
> I am lusting over a Ted Bundy type.
> This is really sick.What is wrong with me?
> And yet– I feel one reason it was so good- was that he had sooo deceived
> me into believing he was “forever. I trusted him. The words, the tears,
> the stories of persecution.
> And he was gorgeous. Physically that is.
> thanks
>

A strange thing just happened to me. I went on Amazon.com to buy an exercise dvd. You won’t believe what the first sale item was that popped up on the home page!!!??? It was the book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” Needless to say, I took it as a sign and bought it. It was only about $7.50.

akitameg. There is nothing wrong with you. You were duped and deceived. You are in love with the image he wanted you to be in love with, but that person doesn’t exist. It is like being emotionally raped. I’m so sorry you have to go through this (we have all been there). It is a major trauma, and it will take time to heal. The sociopath I dated for only 2-1/2 months fell in love with me and I with him in a short time (or so I thought). He also professed undying love for me. Until I found out he was married and trying to defraud the military out of a fake medical discharge. The way the story unfolded was unbelievable and the lies that came out in the end were incredible. He seemed like the real thing. I am a pretty smart cookie, and he certainly fooled me and my friends too. The sex was also great with him, though the relationship was brief. And sex is very bonding. It will take you some time to get over this. Stick around here. You will find some very compassionate listeners who understand what you are going through.

Before I met this guy, I never knew such people existed. What a wake-up call.

thank you Stargazer.

I am experiencing huuuuge depression. was discarded by my S 6 weeks ago. He had even conned a shrink who kept telling ME I WAS in the wrong when I doubted this man’s comittment.

I have left my job and the state in which I resided for 10 years. Have no money..No insurance. Staying with friend in one room apt in a major city.
Need job- how can I even function?
Losing my mind. Have no kids.
Any advice?
What if I do not survive this pure/raw evil?

Dear akitameg. At 39, time is on your side, but I really feel that if you are feeling depressed, that you should treat yourself in the most delicate fashion and enlist all the loving and practical support you can get. Coming out of this type of relationship is like coming out of a disaster zone and has a deep impact on the physical and the psyche. During this phase, I treated myself ever so gently.

Those with PDisorders are very accomplished at creating the ‘fizz’ in relationships, but lets face it, if they are liars and cheats, then it doesnt matter how attractive they are, your wellbeing will be always at risk. Also I kept telling my ex to stop putting me on a pedestal, they raise you up and then drop you from a great height – crunch. I will never again fall prey to that kind of a relationship, yet this kind of relationship is ‘sold’ to us through songs, stories and films. The other part of the physical side, is that we mix our energies with our partner and hence the deep connection. You will survive and you will heal. I am convinced I developed cancer through the stress and I survived that.

Hey everyone–
You now what my brain is obsesses with and it makes NO SENSE? Here this guys was undoubtedly a P. My brain/mind keeps getting jealous with thoughts of him like– meeting a new girl (which I know he already has) and living happily ever after. I feel he will all of a sudden be the perfect man I thought he was, not be a P anymore and make someone a wonderful husband.
I should have known. His exwife was this gorgeous woman from Japan. Great cook. Made great money. Sweet. he cried “victim” to her “abuse”.
Damn–he did to me what he did to her. The whole fam did.
Does anyone know what I mean by thinking they are going to meet a perfect partner and live happily ever after?
I think this shows that the almost unconscious undermining he did of me– really got to my psyche.
I also have obsessive thoughts about him going back/conning his exwife. God I hope she has learned that he is an N.

Dear Akitameg, I know exactly what you say. In the early days of the breakup, I had to resist the temptation to drive past his place and when I drove past recently and I saw he had new bedroom curtains, a part of me felt jealous. And I had thoughts that he is just fast tracking through different partners until he finds the right one. But hey, when I pull my thinking together, and keep reminding myself of the way he treated me, when I was so good to him, I cant imagine that he will ever have a successful relationship with anyone – not the kind of successful relationship I would like. He will just find someone else to put up with his behaviours and believe me, he will not be able to stop his behaviours showing up. I gave him every chance and was always questionning myself, perhaps I should have been more accepting, perhaps perhaps?? But where am I in the scenario. And I ask you the same question – where are you in the equasion??

Hi Akitameg,

It’s been awhile since i’ve posted. I’m 6 months post-sociopath. I was with my ex 2 years also. I gave him money, a free roof over his head for him and his son, bought him clothes, paid his bills, took out a car loan for his car and put his name on the deed to my home. Only to find out there was another woman in the picture the entire time and he was telling her he was going to leave me for her. He wasn’t really. He was using both of us for money and he’d go over her house after causing fights with me. He was manipulative, jealous, conrolling, dominating, verbally and physically abusive. He got me fired from a great job.

I find myself crying less. Around 10 days ago, I dropped off his stuff he was keeping in the garage to him at his GF’s. Then ex mailed me the keys back to my garage last week. I find myself crying less but still depressed but it’s more like anger instead of hurt. I’m angry at myself for being taken for a fool. I could have lost my condo and the car I got him so things could be worse but I’m flat broke. Don’t be jealous. She’s gonna get hers..just like we got ours. All I have to do is think about the way he used me, cheated on me, lied, and abused me and I never want to have that happen to me again. It’s frightening sometimes thinking about how it happened. It was so well planned-out and methodical. An evil plot to take me down and use me up and then go onto the next to do the same. Truly sickening.

It’s so hard to focus on my job during the day and hard to focus on everyday tasks like paying bills, shopping, etc. It’s like I’m in shock and on auto-pilot until the shock wears off.

What sucks is that I became very attached to his 15 year old daughter. She got pregnant so the ex turned his back on her. It’s like he’s punishing her for making a big mistake in her life. I emailed her today and she was happy to hear from me. She said she misses her dad and cries herself to sleep in the night. He won’t look at her or have anything to do with her. I just let her know there’s nothing she can do but pray and maybe send him a letter telling him how she feels. He discarded his own daughter who needs him the most right now. But this story isn’t new. He has 5 other kids out there he discarded and never knew. Just awful. An awful person. Twisted.

Does anyone believe that perhaps sociopaths are being influenced by the devil or possessed by demons? I know it sounds far-fetched but there are stories in the Bible where Jesus cast-out demons of mentally ill people.

Ewwwww!! When I think that my ex would go to the OW’s house for s-e-x and then come home to me for some more, I wanna barf.

OMG. I just thought of something funny though. 2 months after i kicked him out he called and wanted me to pick him up (remember, i took the car back,) maybe he didn’t really want to wind up living there but she was good to have on the side. Now he’s stuck there (i didn’t pick him up of course.) How funny is that? He made his bed with her now has to “lie” in it everynight! LOL! LOL!!

What up, wonderwoman? I was wondering where you went!!! (I’ll bet that’s the most w’s ever used in a sentence).
I’m glad to see you in good spirits.

Hey Superstar! You are my super hero because like me, you didn’t lie down and roll over when you were taken for a ride. I got the filed copy of the deed to my condo from my lawyer today. I’m just trying to pull myself together. It’s a slow-go cause I was with him 2 years.

What still haunts me are two scense I play back over and over again in my head. The first was last year a few days before Christmas. He started a fight with me and grabbed me by the throat, spit in my face and called me a ho. I’ll never forget the look on his face staring me down. I thought he wanted to hurt me bad. Then he stormed out to go to the OW’s house. I think of that scene and the last time I saw his face…10 days ago when I dropped off the crap from the garage. This time, the face was shaken, scared. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. He was powerless. Do you know why that is? He knows that I know who he is. The devil himself. And he knew what I was…..afraid no more!

Hey, Wonderwoman,, missed you lately!

To answer your question–IMHO–if I believe in God, (goodness) then I also have to believe in Satan (EVIL) and I do believe that we (humans) have a choice (except for those poor folks who are not in touch with reality and don’t know right from wrong) and I believe the Psychopaths have CHOSEN the “dark side” (Just like in Star Wars).I believe they chose to embrace and enjoy evil. I believe that there comes a point where it is impossible for them to change that choice. The Bible talks about people’s hearts being so “hardened” that they refuse to listen to the truth, to humble themselves.

I don’t believe that God or the universe “makes” anyone choose EVIL, that a person is ust created “evil” and has no choice. I beleive that even Satan had a choice, and he chose EVIL. Of course all these thoughts are JUST MY OPINION, and there is no objective evidence one way or the other. This is in the realm of philosophy, faith and belief. So my opinion is just that, my opinion.

I wonder, you talked about him having sex with the OW and then coming home to get more from you—that is a CHOICE. No one forced him to do that. Even if there is biology and genetics involved in psychopathic personality disorder, never the less, nothing forced him to DO THAT, he chose to do it. He knew it was wrong (if he hadn’t known it was “wrong” he wouldn’t have hidden it).

If that makes him “possessed by a demon”–then I guess he is/was. But I think because he had “free will” and “a choice” the responsibility is HIS.

Hey Ox,

I know you know your Bible stories. I think about Job. How satan told God he could test Job’s faith if God would so allow. Therefore, God gave satan the green light and said, ok, go and inflict all these things on Job and you’ll see his faith is true. See, it think God lets satan roam the earth and tests our faith everyday. But you must be right about free will because it was Job’s “free will” not to curse God for the inflictions he had to suffer.

We have to remember, sociopaths don’t have a conscience and don’t feel empathy. This is the problem I struggle with. Is it the physical mental health problem that causes them to do the things they do or is it because satan has entered their hearts?

Here is my answer to that question. It doesn’t matter–they’re just bad news. (bowing to NC)

Wonderwoman, NO one deserves to be treated the way you were. If someone even treated one of my animals like that, I would stomp their face to the ground. (Sorry, that’s not very ladylike but it’s true).

No, I didn’t lie down and roll over, Wonderwoman. I turned my ex in when I found out what his con was. They told me he was on suicide watch. For a few hours I felt guilty, like I was ruining his life or something. Then I remembered that I was genuinely suicidal for a month after I found out how he played me. They make their own bed. Like Martha Stout says, if you want to know whether someone is a sociopath, just follow their lives. In the end they usually end up murdered, in prison, or in some other pitiful condition. It’s not our job to save them or protect them. For those who feel sorry for a sociopath who’s had a bad childhood, let me just say that I had a horrendous childhood. I don’t steal, lie, and con people.

Star: I know he’s a sick individual. I got confirmation he did the same thing to the woman before me. That was his wife. She and I email a few times a week. She hasn’t been with him for 3 years and she’s been in Jersey all the way to Florida since Sept to see if she could get him to cooperate with divorce papers. She mailed him the final signed paper a month ago and he’s dodging her not letting her know if he got the paper to the courthouse. It’s all about control. She moved on and wants to re-marry in the near future but he’s being an arse. Not answering the phone or texts. She wants to get back to Florida and get on with her life but he’s got that on hold.

Writing to the wife was helpful with healing. It lets me know it wasn’t me and lets her know it wasn’t her….it’s him. He’s not right. He treated us like objects. He wouldn’t let her out of the house and cut her off from friends and family and abused her…just like me.

My ex knows I chat with the wife and of course doesn’t like it. He is totally exposed. All these red flags and the current victim is ignoring them all.

Star: Do you know how mean this guy is? We were engaged and he referred to me as “fiancee.” The reason I put his name on the deed was per his request. I told him ok, as long as we are getting married. On the day he was signing the deed papers and getting them notorized, he called me on the phone and said, “you know, I really don’t have to turn this property back over to you. it would be a civil matter and my word against yours. I reminded him I put his name on the deed because we were going to get married. He denied it. He said, “what? we never spoke of marriage.” “I didn’t move in with you to get married” “YOU insisted you put my name on to make me feel comfortable in your home.” I said “why are you lying? We went to look for rings, saw lawyers about getting your marriage to your ex annulled, etc.” How lousy is that? I asked, “are you lying saying these things because (OW) is there? So you don’t look so bad in front of her??” UGH. I know she was there listening. He’s got her believing who knows what. Can’t she see? Can’t she smell something stinks???? Doesn’t she feel like a piece of Charmin?

Wow, he gaslighted (gaslit?) you! I can’t imagine what that did to your soul to have to stoop to his level to communicate with someone so crazy and evil.

Star: He called me while getting the papers notorized asking me to put something in writing stating he wouldn’t be responsible for property taxes. Then the argument ensued..with him starting it. We saw 2 lawyers 2 different times for his divorce. I paid $250 the first go around for the consultation, another $250 for the 2nd go-around consultation, gave the AH a check for $1250 to have the lawyer do the filing (he spent the money on God knows what) and then the 3rd time I paid $65 at the courthouse for him to file. I reminded him of this and he said, “you must be going senile in your old age….we never saw attorneys or anything!” UGH!! When I dropped off his crappy TV’s at the OW’s house 10 days ago, I put the file of the paperwork for the 3 divorce filings in a box and left that too. All the paperwork was completed by him…in his handwriting. I hope the OW took a gander at that. What a lousy liar. When we were arguing on the phone he complained about me taking the car away from him and claiming he had financing to put the loan in his name. I reminded him I gave him that opportunity but he had no credit so I took the car. I asked him if he has a car now…he does not. Let me see, if he has financing for an auto, then why doesn’t he have a car?? Wow. He needs some serious psychiatric help. I hope the OW enjoys driving him around in her car.

You must feel so much lighter without this leech sucking the life out of you. Wonderwoman, when did you first suspect something was amiss in your relationship with him? Did it take a while?

Good Morning Star:
The first 6 mos of our relationship was great but I did notice jealousy signs. I ignored it thinking it would go away in time. After 6 mos I was so hooked on him he started getting worse…and worse. I guess it was gradual. During the next year he became verbally abusive, controlling and dominating. I kept trying to correct him but nothing worked. It was a crazy cycle. After a verbal assault, he’d leave to “cool down” and come back saying he wanted to work things out. What he was doing was going to the OW’s house after the fights.

He did the same thing to the woman before me. I doubt things have changed.

I think 6 months is a long time and I can understand how you can get hooked in much less time. It only took a few weeks in my case to get hooked in. I’ve heard it can take 6 or more months for the controlling behaviors to come out. Thank God I didn’t stick around long enough to see that. You are doing great! I’m very proud of you. It takes a while, I’m sure, for the toxicity of the relationship to wear off. In any dysfunctional relationships there is toxicity, but I think in the case of the sociopath it is much worse because their capacity to take responsibility is zero. They project EVERYTHING. It’s creepy.

BTW, did you see that I logged onto Amazon.com to buy a workout tape, and “How to Spot a Dangerous Man” popped up on the home page? I took it as a sign and bought it.

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