By | July 31, 2015 6 Comments

My sociopathic husband as the gross older guy

I Need Help, No Really

About a year after I had my daughter, I finally had to find someone to help me with all my data entry and paper shuffle to keep up with the work load for the business the spath and I ran, but mostly I ran.  I still had my office out of my home to try and save on overhead, but also so I could work when my baby was sleeping.  After making an extension on the office, I had a separate entrance created to the office off of the house so I could have employees enter the office without entering the house.

I finally ended up hiring a younger girl, 18, that was in college.  It worked out well because she only needed part time and that’s all I had in the budget for the moment.  It was a huge undertaking to hire someone on at that point because I was already so behind with all the paperwork, which was why I needed extra office help.

I spent the good first month training her on everything that I needed help with and we got along well.  I would leave her in my office and go out to run other work errands as well as all the doctor’s appointments for my daughter.

Time For a Review

Months went by and I wanted to have a review with her to see how she was liking things and get a sense for how long she planned to stay with the company.   Then I would know how much to invest in her training.  Also the spath had mentioned in passing that she was copping an attitude with him and he wanted to know what that was all about.  I thought that strange because I had never seen her like that.

One afternoon I pulled her aside into my home so that I could have this meeting with her.  I asked her how she was liking working for me and the business and what her long term plans were since the business was growing.  She got really quiet and she started to shake.  Uh-oh…there was that hot rush circulating all through out my body…again.  You have got to be kidding, I thought, no way.  I asked her what was wrong.

She said that she really respected me as her boss and as a person and that she also knew that the spath was my husband.  I quickly responded and told her that she needs to tell me what is going on and she needs to tell me now.

She went on to tell me that she felt uncomfortable working with my husband.  She said that when I was not in the office he would come on to her and rub her shoulders or make off comments.  He apparently had offered to buy her a swimsuit when he had heard in small talk that she was going to Mexico for a trip, and that he had then texted her on her personal cell phone when she was gone on the weekend asking her to send him pictures of her.  She said that she started to have an attitude towards him because she didn’t know how else to respond.  Also one day when she was trying to leave the office and he had put his foot on the door to prevent her from leaving.

Only God knows how I didn’t completely lose my mind at this point.  I don’t know what kind of “mode” I went in, but I went there.  Luckily, spath was working in the office and I told her that I was going to confront him about this right now and that this was very important.  She begged me not to.  She was really scared and she started crying.  I told her that I was on her side and that this was going to be dealt with right now.

Spath Lies

I called spath into our meeting and he had a deer in headlight look, like he had no idea what was going on.  This was his typical face and reaction to things that he had done to try and cover for them like they didn’t happen.  I made her tell him exactly what he told me and he denied the whole thing.  He made excuses, rationalized them.  I reprimanded him in front of her explaining how serious this was and that this stuff CANNOT be happening in the work force.

I excused him and spoke with my office assistant a while longer.  She started to have an emotional breakdown and was sobbing.  She then went on to tell me that she was raped when she was 16 and when he was doing the things he was doing, it brought back all of those memories.  She also said that she felt creep-ed out by him, who wouldn’t?  I told her to take the rest of the day off and then I would call her later when things calmed down and we would discuss what she wanted to do.

What a nightmare!  I mean really.  After she left, I probably had a 2 hour conversation with spath about this whole ordeal.  He twisted the stories and pretty much turned the blame back on her.  Blaming her for the clothes that she was wearing and the way she would sit in the office.  Ewe.

I had him watch a sexual harassment video and made it VERY clear what his boundaries need be.  I called my office assistant after that and she decided that she did not want to return.  I didn’t blame her and I paid for her work week as if she was there so she could be paid while she was trying to find another job.

Feelings of Disgust

I remember being up in my room that night thinking about the whole day.  I didn’t know how I was going to recover as a wife thinking that my husband was one of those gross older guys that young chicks want to get away from.  I told him that that day.  I told him, “what are you going to be 50, 60, 70 and still be pulling this BS?  Don’t you realize that you are not that young guy anymore that can get away with this kind of stuff?”  I felt gross.  I felt gross that I was married to a person this sick.  I’m not sure how I rationalized my way through staying with this person another 2 years after.  I think that this scenario was when I finally lost all respect for the spath and it was all downhill from there.

More, There’s Always More

During the divorce I found out that my other office assistant who was hired later when I moved the office to an office space, decided to quit partly because she didn’t like how spath conducted himself at the office.  Apparently he was having women bring him lunch and things of that nature.  I think she knew that he was cheating on me and she felt uncomfortable working there, so she quit.

Six months after I served spath with papers I finally lost my cool.  He had been trying to sleep with me for the last six months and gave me his speech about how he was going to change and all that.  Of course I didn’t buy any of those lies, I had been out from under them for months now.  I found out that while he was giving me his, “I will get therapy and change speech” he was still bringing in his girlfriends into the office, parading them all around like a clown.  Once I heard that, I had had enough.  I dropped everything that I was doing and sped over to the office.

Gone Girl Still With Her Sanity Attached

I had to have had complete rage in my eyes because I felt it generate all throughout my body.  I had tunnel vision and he was my target.  I was disgusted that he would have the gall to still, even now, give me lip service and continue with all this insanity, and I was going to end it now.  I think this is when I finally realized the complete depravity of who he was.

I knew he was a sex addict by that time and I knew he was narcissistic;  I knew he was a pathological liar, but I believe after this, I really began to grasp onto the fact that he was also a sociopath.  This was a deliberate act to disguise and purposefully ensnare me into continuing to believe that we could make things work and not get divorced, while he was still doing what he was always doing and had no intentions to stop.  Instead he made it public and had no shame.

So I stormed in the office and he was working.  No, actually he wasn’t working.  He was casually leaning against the wall chit chatting.  I pointed to him and said, “you, get in your office.”  And he did!  I followed him in and shut the door.  With a firm voice I laid it on him.  I told him that this was it, that I don’t want to hear from him, that I don’t want to see him and that everything he says is a lie.

He tried to give me all the excuses and speeches and I probably cut him off about 47 times with the word, “lie.”  That’s a lie, nope, lie, nope that’s a lie.  Uh, no lie. Lie. Aaaaaaand lie.  He started laughing halfway through because I cut him off so much, he couldn’t get a word in.

I was done with what I needed to say and I went to walk out.  But he cornered me.  This was not a good feeling.  I told him that he needed to back away and let me out of the office, that I was done with him.  Instead he did the exact opposite and he moved closer to me.  This made me sweat and feel very creep-ed out.  I told him that he needed to respect my boundaries and step back.  He loved it.  Actually he was aroused by it.

Finally I put my arm out in front of me and pushed against his chest and told him to step back.  Then he grabbed my wrist and slammed it up against the wall.  This was the person everyone else always saw, this freaking insane person.  This was Mr. Hyde.  He tried to seduce me, it was weird and scary.  I told him that if he didn’t let me go right that second that I would scream out for my office manager.

I felt fear.  I felt his control over me.  I wondered to myself what would have happened to me if there hadn’t been other people outside the office door.  He let go and I went to beeline it to the door.  I went to open the door and BAM!  He stopped it from opening with his hand just like he had done to my office assistant that day.  Then I had a flashback and realized all that had happened to her and how she felt, because I was living it.

I was finally experiencing this creep like person making unwanted advances.  Although it seemed like forever, he finally opened the door.  I can’t remember exactly, but I think I had to leverage him to open it so I could get out of there.

After that day I never had up close contact with him because I filed an Order of Protection.  That day wasn’t the only day I had been threatened and had been “handled”, that was just the last.


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Peace in Chaos – How disgusting. I’m sure your young employee thought your ex was a perv, and she was right. I am so glad you are away from him.



Good lord! This man (I’m shaking my head). How unfortunate for you and your employee.

It speaks volumes that she felt the strength and comfort to talk to you about him. It speaks many volumes about your strength in your ability to handle him like a boss. And even more so that you were able to recognize and empathize with your employee’s outlook on feeling trapped by him.

He had trapped you for so long. You got it. You finally said ENOUGH. I’m grateful you stayed safe and continue to do so.

Thank you for continuing to share your journey. Painful as it is you are helping so many others on here.


If I could think of one sociopathic trait highlighted in your story that really hits home for me, it would be the cold rage that comes over them. One minute they’re glibly rationalizing incredibly bad behavior, the next you know they could, and even might, kill you, and probably would even enjoy it. Instead of a wild beast, the Spath turns into a reptile- cold calculating the odds of destroying you for seeing them as they truly are and pointing it out to others. You can literally watch them do the math in their sick cold eyes- immediate gratification hurting you vs getting away with it depending on whoever might be n the next room ? It can be that immediately dangerous and terrifying.

Im so glad you got away from him. As you raise your child, I hope you have a great therapist that can help you navigate the information your child receives about who his father is. The child of the Spath will be his pawn forever in the war with you- which he will never concede. If they have any communication- my prayer for both of you is that you have support and honorable people in you life that can be both of your touchstones. Good luck to you Peace in Chaos!


I admire you for supporting your young assistant and for not buying into his repeated lies. If only all women could be that strong – you are a great role model. When I was 14, I begged my mother to leave my perv stepfather. She never did. She stayed with him till the day he died, long after my sister and I had become adults and moved on. She wondered up until her sad lonely death at 76 why she had no relationship with her children.

I think that no matter how long you’ve been with a spath, ANY time you have the courage to stand up and walk away, you are a role model for countless other women who don’t have the strength or courage to do the same. Well done.

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