Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who posts as “Gaslit073168.”
I met him in spring of 2014 through an online dating site. He was so honest in his profile (sarcasm now, in awe then) about being imperfect.
Depression was his biggest flaw, in his eyes. He was sad because his kids live in Japan where he can only see them when he can financially manage to make the trip. It’s been this way for a couple years because his now ex wife left him and decided to go home to her family in Japan.
This wasn’t the only reason he was depressed. He had brain cancer in 1998 that caused him to be legally blind in one eye, a huge bald patch across the back of his head and no teeth (he has dentures) due to massive radiation treatments, and was left with a seizure disorder for the rest of his life. This is just the beginning of the list of reasons I was supposed to feel intense sympathy for him. I did not disappoint.
He fell in love almost immediately, giving me the keys to his apartment on our second date. The whirlwind was intense, and he won me over quickly. I moved in within a matter of weeks after we first met.
Sex offender
This would be foolish all on its own, but there’s an even deeper reason I should have walked away before we ever began. I did a criminal background check and found he had been charged with exploitation of a minor through pornography in the state where he lived years ago and he was a Level 1 Sex Offender (the lowest level).
I confronted him and he explained that it happened when he was 30 years old in a state that is known for its religious control (a true statement) and the pictures were not intentionally of an underage girl — it was pornography with a girl over 16 who appeared to be older.
I called a court clerk in Utah to ask if this could be true, and she said it was, considering his punishment was so light. His explanation was something I decided I could live with (a major regret now), and not only did I move in immediately, but I also decided I wanted to take legal action by way of writing letters to attorneys to have him removed from the Sex Offender Registry. He was so appreciative that I cared enough to make this effort.
Love story
The first three months of our relationship were a beautiful love story. We were in love, planned for the future, started looking for a house, and even decided we would have a baby if I were to become pregnant (in other words, no birth control”¦ poor judgment, as I’m 46 years old, but I wanted to make him happy).
It was an amazing time in my life, even though there were little signs that I was dismissing along the way, such as a look or a comment that wasn’t quite right (the look was as if a mask of anger or annoyance appeared for about a second and then disappeared, always replaced with him blowing a kiss to me, as if he was knowingly making up for the brief mask).
Female friends
There were other bigger elements that I was dismissing as well”¦ he had ”˜friends’; two females. One was 27 and quite unusual (from what I have learned, she is autistic) — he described her as a past potential girlfriend but he knew within the first days of knowing her that they were only going to be friends.
The other was 26 and a much different story — she’s a prostitute that he had met when he first returned from his last visit to Japan, when the depression was spiraling out of control, as he put it. She was also a heroin addict and was wanted by the police when he and I first met. They became ”˜friends’ after his initial business arrangement with her.
I was stunned when he told me right before I moved in with him that she had been found by the police because he contacted them with her location. She went to jail that day, and during the first three months of our relationship he would visit her in jail once a week with my blessing (I didn’t want to be one of those girlfriends who made demands, blamed for past poor judgment, or didn’t allow friendships with the opposite sex).
It did bother me that he had no male friends, and both of the females were 20 years younger than him, but I ignored that. It also bothered me that both were ”˜friends’ after a very short dating period (if you’re like him and can refer to hiring a prostitute as dating).
Out of jail
Our love story took a major hit when the prostitute was released from jail. She called him and said she needed a ride to her drug dealer’s house, and on top of that, she also told him: “talk to your girlfriend because I need a place to stay for a little while.”
This was the first time I drew a line in the sand ”¦ she was not staying with us, and he would not be driving her to her drug dealer’s house or anywhere else. I insisted if he was going to be with me, he needed to end it with her.
He was distressed, but he agreed. He told her no on both counts and that was the end of it until the next day.
I went out with a friend and he began texting me asking questions about when I’d be home. I had a feeling”¦ I told him it would be a while, but in reality, I was heading home at that moment.
He wasn’t there because he was out with the prostitute.
I began packing my belongings in that moment, and told him he might want to get home. We had our first blowout. I cried, yelled, accused, insulted, and continued to pack the whole time ”¦ which was about an hour. That’s how long it took him to convince me he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me and he was only doing that one final favor for her by giving her the ride.
I accepted his explanation and decided our love story was worth the hit to my ego and my trust in him. But things changed drastically.
Silence
There were suddenly blocks of silence where he would answer my questions with shrugs or nods instead of words.
Sex was no longer a daily event for us, he claimed because his headaches were getting out of control (he still has a benign brain tumor that causes problems).
When the weather started getting cooler, he began more frequently staying in bed watching TV or listening to his sci-fi audiobooks (I dealt with them every night because they helped him sleep, even though they helped me NOT sleep).
He began making requests to start eating in bed. I did all the cooking and cleaning and brought him food, picked up milkshakes for him on my way home from work, and other tasks that a caring girlfriend would do.
He still wanted sex, but it was becoming more and more impersonal and a bit degrading at times.
He didn’t work (he’s been on disability due to the cancer, vision problems, and seizure issues) and I was getting more and more afraid the cancer was growing again (a constant concern, or so I thought). He would minimize my concerns by saying it was fine and he would know if something was wrong, but then he would accentuate the pain and suffering he was going through.
I was becoming less happy every day and I had to fight it because I didn’t want him to see it. I wanted to be the one who would stick by him even when things weren’t great ”¦ he had told me many stories about how people have deserted him since the cancer crisis began.
Snow and ice
I was supposed to have surgery for a foot injury but had to cancel due to feeling he would not be able to care for me the way I would need him to. There was a set of stairs leading into the apartment that had no railing and the snow and ice were going to be a big issue for me, surgery or no surgery.
It was a terrible winter, and every day I worked, the amount of snow that had to be removed from my car, those scary stairs, and the long driveway were all on me, as he would stay in bed while I limped and struggled outside so I could go to work.
He never once offered to help me. But he would still show moments of that special guy I had met several months before, just enough to keep me foolishly hopeful. We were still doing things like going out to eat a few times a week, or for a drive, a movie, shopping — nothing too strenuous because he claimed to be too exhausted and sick (although there was no real evidence of sickness).
More blowouts
We had a few more blowout arguments; one right before Thanksgiving and another a couple weeks before Christmas. He would go silent when I needed him to talk, blatantly ignoring me as my agitation would amp up (which is what he wanted because it made it easier to blame me).
Once he had been silent long enough (usually a matter of hours) and I was sufficiently distraught, he would come to me and hold me, tell me he loved me and wanted us to be okay. I would apologize for getting upset and he would express how sorry he was that he wasn’t feeling well and his depression was worse because he so badly missed his kids (even though he did nothing to save money for a visit to Japan, and he wouldn’t do anything to increase the amount of Skype visits he had with them — only 1 per week for about 20 minutes, even though his ex would have been open to more, and I suggested it dozens of times).
That brief mask of annoyance (and what looked like hatred at times) would show up, often when we went out to eat. I would look at him across the table and there was that mask”¦ then the kiss blown to me, every time.
We made it through the holidays and had an amazing New Year’s Eve where we promised each other a special and happier 2015 together, planning great things for the future. It was January 14th, just two weeks later, when he destroyed anything that I believed we still could have had.
The change
He started that day texting someone with a big smile on his face. He also made it clear that he hadn’t removed the password from his computer (something I noticed a couple months earlier but kept letting go because it was easier than looking deeper for the truth).
I asked him what was going on and he ignored me. Later in the day, he appeared loving toward me again and wanted to spend time with me. We watched a movie together, laughed and had a good time, ate dinner, and chatted like we used to.
Then it was bedtime. He began texting again, in bed, with that same smile on his face. I remember staring at him and finally saying (tears pouring down my face) “it’s never going to change”¦ you’re always going to have secrets”.
I told him I was done and he exploded on me, telling me we were over because of my lack of trust in him, my insecurity, my accusations and my anger. It was all my fault. I moved out two days later.
Texting plot
I later found out he was texting with the prostitute throughout that day, and it was all planned with the purpose of hurting me so much that I would make the accusations and he could tell me it was over for him too.
Yet, when I told him I was leaving and he was watching me pack, he tried to change my mind, tried to make me question myself about what I was doing.
I pointed out that it was my decision to end it and that he wasn’t going to be able to stop me. He then began pushing for me to not go “completely—¦ he wanted to keep me tied to him, and he knew using his poor health was a good means of getting me to agree.
I moved out but continued seeing him, talking constantly, and begging him to explain what changed for him and why he did this to me. He blamed his depression, his health, my insecurity mostly, but said there was no real answer.
Talking daily
We continued contact — getting together to eat, go to movies, talking daily — this went on until late March when he had a medical crisis.
He began having uncontrolled seizures and called me for help. I stayed with him day and night at the hospital for the next few weeks taking care of him. He wouldn’t allow nurses to do anything; he would only be cared for by me.
Incredibly affectionate again, he acted as if we were back together. I fell back into it quite easily. By the end of April he was home again, seizures gone, and I was staying with him at first. I tried tapering off the amount of time I stayed with him (no longer sleeping over), but still was there daily.
Woman on the bed
One day, I showed up and the other female friend was there laying on the bed watching TV with him”¦ another set-up to devastate me.
I lost it to the point of demanding he show me everything on his computer or I would be calling the police right then and there. I was afraid he may have pictures or videos of me because I had learned a lot during his hospital stay.
I had full control of his phone, and that meant I had access to his pictures and emails. What I found was disturbing to say the least.
This was how I learned it was the prostitute he had been texting and plotting with to hurt me in January. I also found pictures of her asleep in the bed I had once called mine (date stamped only a couple days after I moved out).
Seeing that he had taken pictures of her asleep, I had instant fears about pictures he may have taken of me in that bedroom without my knowledge. He had no choice but to show me what was on the computer, and that’s when my world caved in.
Preteen girls
What I saw involved preteen girls being shown in a sexualized manner. I later told him as I stood over his shoulder that day I took video and snapped pictures of him opening the computer files.
He begged me not to turn him in or tell his family, saying he would kill himself if I did. To this point I have not exposed him, but that is only with the understanding that I’m watching him and I’ll expose him to the world with no hesitation if I find he’s been seeking out young girls.
One thing I did find in his email was his Craigslist account with ads he had placed ”¦ the title of one stating: older man looking for much younger girl, willing to make ”˜donations’.
The real mask
What I have come to realize is those brief masks that showed up were glimmers of who he really is.
The face I saw most of the time was the real mask”¦ what he put on to charm and trick me. In reality, he is hateful and bitter and clearly mentally ill in many ways.
No matter how much I try to explain what he did to me, I can’t get it to make sense. I have to accept that the love story for those months in the beginning were all a lie, and as time went by, he was less capable of hiding his reality.
Master’s degree in psychology
What I personally find to be one of the most stunning parts of this story is my own role. I have a master’s degree in psychology and I’ve studied disorders such as sociopathy and narcissistic personality disorder. It will always baffle me how I could be so blind and so easily dismiss what was presenting itself to me all along.
Why is it that when it’s someone else I can see it so clearly? But when my own heart is involved I’m as insightful as a brick wall. It’s something I need to figure out about myself as I also try to figure out if I can ever trust anyone again.
As it stands now, I have ended all contact with him but I’m keeping him guessing about the evidence against him in regard to preteen pornography. I can only hope it stops him from seeking out young girls with the idea that I’m watching him.
Still, I think about where this leaves me in the equation, and it is all about needing to accept the reality that a sociopath has used me for nearly a year and a half for his own twisted entertainment.
It is a reality I have yet to comprehend and learn to live with, but I will get there.
Judge throws kids in juvenile detention for not talking to father
Gaslit, thank you for sharing your story…not an easy thing to do but one of the best starting points towards healing. I am truly sorry that you endured this evil man’s hell. HUGS to you. Sociopaths are all so manipulative, my ex h did the same right off the bat with pity play and he laid it on so thick that it made me feel sorry for him & to defend him when normally I would not have felt bad but instead would have wondered what his part in the whole story would have been but he was masterful at turning my head away from his enrollment in his pity me story…ahhh they such scoundrels!!!
I think every victim turn inward and says “what is wrong with me” but there is NOTHING wrong with you as to why you were sucked into to this sick twisted sociopaths con game. They are CON ARTIST!!!
You are normal, yes we all have flaws but the flaws normal person have are so minimal & easy to fix but most of the time these things we THINK we need to change are actually pros not cons but because we are always trying to grow as individuals, to be better people we take a serious look at ourselves and think “ I need to change that or this’ when in fact you might be changing a strength.
Point in case for me is I had a strong radar detector for picking out bad people the second I met them even my ex h but as I got older I thought that I needed to give people more of a chance…well guess what my ex h is the first person I gave this second chance to…now I learn that how I felt & how quickly I felt about someone is a strength not weakness. I should have just known that I did not need to change that aspect. Ohh the lessons we learn haha.
We also as normal people never think “He will never change” until it’s too late. We are taught that “everyone can change”…NOPE not even close, a sociopath or other personality disorder person will never ever ever change…we (normal people) all have our core values our foundation if you will & that will never change. If you are a good, kindhearted person this is who you will always be….and same goes for a sociopath they will always be manipulative and have been manipulative since they were children manipulating their parents, teachers, kids in the school yard.
Pity play manipulation is one of the sociopaths most powerful tools of their tricks & they have learned to play this card right from the very get go. Most normal people would never share their saddest stories with a new stranger. But a sociopath will HUGE RED FLAG if you meet someone from here in out that tells you their pity story and expect you to feel sorry for them RUN RUN RUN FAST AWAY.
ANYONE & EVERYONE will/can get sucked by a sociopath! It’s not if but when. I have read countless stories on this site and other support sites of victims with degrees in the psychology field so you are not alone.
When I was at the end of my marriage before my escape I had a light bulb moment literally that my then h was brain washing me even though I knew nothing of the subject but that is how I felt. When I escaped I found a counselor by chance that was educated on sociopath abuse who told me the truth about my ex not one marriage counselor prior told me who my h was during that time despite me listing every trait of a sociopath i.e. lied, cheated, had no remorse, guild or shame etc. Counselors for the most part are not educate on sociopaths it’s as simple as that.
After my new counselor told me who my ex was I asked if he was brain washing me as that is how I felt around him. YES!!! was the answer. Then I search for more info on how to “undo brain washing” which lead me to Steven Hassan author of Freedom of mind.
Steven Hassan is an expert on cult & domestic abuse who has been on 60 mins, Dr Drew Pod cast (look this up it’s a good talk), Larry King Live, The John Walsh Show etc. Steven Hassan states that anyone & everyone can be sucked into a cult or domestic abuse relationship if the had a resent life change such as a divorce, relationship breakup, a move, going off to college, changing in jobs, death in the family, empty nest etc etc. Why this time? because a persons guard is down because they are focus on the life change. For me it was a move out of state for a new job…I saw who my ex was the first & second time I met him through mutual friends but ignored my gut & then ignored my gut for 12 years of marriage because “marriage is hard work”. Gas light what kind of change did you have during the time you met your sociopath ex?
I would highly recommend that you read Freedom of mInd you will understand my clearer what your ex did to you to control your mind. Scary world we live in!! Love fraud (Donna) did a book review on this book last week so you can do a search here on LF to read her thoughts.
My counselor had me read the book Women who love psychopath by Sandra Brown which was on of the best things I got out of counseling. Must read book Along with Donna Anderson’s books listed in the “Bookstore”up at the top of this wonderful site.
I am happy that you escape this evil sociopaths world. You are going to heal it just takes time. But now you (we all) have a key to how this planet operates and how to spot a dangerous individual but most importantly we have learned that we must follow are immediate gut reaction to a new individual who crosses our life path.
This guy’s child porn is sick & twisted and he has been doing this sick behavior for a very long time. Very scary he is getting away with it. The fact he did not want you to tell his family is a BIG BIG BIG RED FLAG that they too have called him out on it and they might have been the ones to report him to the police.
Glad you found this wonderful site to educate yourself & to heal with all of us.
Wishing you all the best!! 🙂 Thank you again for sharing your story.
Take care
Jan… thanks so much for sharing the Steven Hassan book. I’ll definitely get it.
Like you, I have also noticed that psychology professionals don’t seem to talk much about people with these personality disorders, and I don’t understand why. From what I’ve been learning in the past months (and especially since finding LF), lack of conscience is a much bigger problem than I realized. It seems counselors every day are likely hearing about spaths and narcissists from their patients, but aren’t advising and educating about what they’re actually dealing with. While this is the worst thing that’s ever been done to me, I am glad it’s such a huge learning experience, because now I can help others understand it and get away from these evil people.
You made such a great point about being normal… even though we (the normal people) have flaws, they are tiny in comparison to what these disordered people have going on in their heads. I can’t imagine being one of those people who actually get pleasure from someone else’s pain, and that’s exactly what spaths experience.
Yes, the ex spath is getting away with his sick behavior, and it kills me. That’s the thing that has plagued me the most because I can’t deal with the idea of him actually taking a step further and harming a young girl. It’s the reason I felt the need to lead him to believe I have evidence of what he’s doing. If he’s caught, he will go to prison for years, and that’s what he clearly deserves.
If there was a way I could prove what he’s been doing, I’d make sure he would pay for it. But when I called the police, they said I don’t have real evidence and there’s nothing they can do. So I’ve watched him, meaning I’ve gone on Craigslist to try to find him placing more ads for young girls. I want the evidence so I can turn him in, but I have found nothing because he knows I’m there looking for him to slip up.
This element of the whole situation makes it so hard for me to move on because I feel like I need to do something about it… to stop him from hurting anyone else.
It’s a nightmare I wish I could wake up from. I’m sure everyone here can relate to that feeling! Thanks again for everything you said, Jan. It does help to feel understood and have support. 🙂
Your welcome Gaslight. I think I need to clearly something for you that might help you right now…The most important thing when leaving a sociopath is your safety.
Right now might not be the time to go after this guy’s crime unless you have strong proof. You also need to focus on healing. Down the road you might have better clarity on how to deal with his crime once your mind is clear of the fog that your ex put you under and you have had distance from him.
You stated that you were going to talk to a lawyer about the fact that you saw pictures of young girls on his computer…I think this is wise to talk to a lawyer to find out what impact it might have on you and you are creating a document trail to protect yourself & your career…protect yourself first!!
If the lawyer gives you the advise that nothing needs to be done then go with that advise & you have protect yourself legally by discussing the situation with a lawyer. Also you might want to check with your state counseling licensing board if you are a certified counselor to see what they require a counselors to report even though he was not a client but a ex bf.
I was thinking the same…as hard is it is to know that you were abused by this evil guy it is a blessing for the counseling community that you will be able to help so many others that have been victims of a sociopath.
I wanted to also pass along the book Gift of fear by Gavin Debecker it’s one of the most powerful books to teach every women on this plane to listen to their gut first and foremost.
If you google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” you can watch their interview about his book. Also the book How to spot a dangerous man by Sandra Brown is good it does not discuss specific personality disorders but it is good at education the read on what red flags to look out for when dating.
You are going to get through this painful part of your life and you will come out stronger and more assured of yourself too 🙂
Gaslight, here is Steven Hassan author of Freedom of mind on The Dr Drew podcast discussing mind control & how it relates to cults/domestic abusive relationships. They guy you dated was a mini cult leader & you were his follower, this is why it is so hard to leave abusers.
http://www.podcastunited.com/Health/The-Dr-Drew-Podcast.html?Page=3&Play=132-Steven-Hassan
Thanks for the link!
I couldn’t agree more that he is a mini cult leader. That’s an outstanding comparison.
Dear Gaslit…
It is so true that reading about what a sociopath is and the EXPERIENCE of one are very different, and nearly impossible to truly understand, accept, and steer clear of, unless one has had an actual ‘close encounter’.
Seeing the words and red flags seems to spark a general understanding, but not how the actual machinations of these sorts manifest themselves in their daily lives. This is what makes it SO VERY DIFFICULT to accept, even when we are involved, what we are dealing with. None of it really makes sense. We don’t know that they are lying, being glib, have superficial emotions, cheat, steal, manipulate, and gaslight; because it is all hidden from us. It is mostly in the ‘aftermath’ that we can apply these terms to what we experienced with them. That’s why it can happen to ANYONE.
Their manipulations leave us at such a disadvantage; after all we are constantly being lied to and do not have the real information we need to make an informed decision about what is happening, and what we want to do as a result. If you don’t have the honest facts how could possibly know what to do about it?
Plus, these disordered individuals come in so many different ‘packages’. Some are loud and boisterous. Some are meek and religious. Some are groovy spiritualists. Some are businessmen, garbage collectors, college professors, etc…These different packages also throw us off, as we have a whole sets of assumptions that go along with what we see, and what we expect from certain types of people.
The biggest take away for me, after learning what I was dealing with, was to pay attention to my GUT feelings, instead of digging for facts (which we are not being provided by the abuser). Because by the time you have “facts” about who you are dealing with you are in too deep, and are likely suffering a lot of abuse; making it even more difficult to extricate yourself.
Most of us ‘knew’ something felt wrong about the person we met. But, since we don’t often rely on our gut, or even feel we should, we discount our niggling feeling that something just isn’t ‘quite right’.
It behooves us to learn to honor our gut feelings, and not feel guilty or insecure when we decide to stop any interaction based on those feelings. We don’t have to justify ourselves. It is OK for us to secure our own boundaries, based on our ‘hunches’.
Slim
Slim… you’re so right about gut feelings. If I had listened in the beginning, I wouldn’t be here right now.
There were signs right from the start, but I dismissed so much. I think I did that because he had brain cancer and seizure disorder because of the cancer and surgery, and I knew he was depressed so that played into it too… but the signs were there no matter what excuses I try to make with myself about it. I had the gut feelings that something wasn’t right and I let wanting to believe him (and take care of him, maybe make him better?) get in the way of my own internal warning signs.
Now my worry is that when it comes to meeting new people, I might decide that everyone has bad motives because I’m so jaded from what he’s done to me. I don’t want to be a bitter person, so I’m hoping I get past that feeling. I don’t want to take something as a gut feeling when really it’s just something left over from him. I’m pretty close to the beginning of the healing process right now, so I hope these worries fade in time.
What you said about spaths coming in different packages is so true! They can hide because there isn’t an easily identified type to look for. With my ex spath, he has a lot of medical issues and he’s a very mild mannered guy who comes off as a victim type, but the reality is that he’s passive-aggressive, highly intelligent, narcissistic, professional gas lighter, and clearly always plotting something underhanded. No one would suspect him of being this type of person. It makes it hard for ‘normal’ people to find them and get away as fast as possible!
Again, gut feelings… you’re so right that we need to listen to them!
Me too Gaslit…didn’t listen to my gut. I felt uncomfortable from the very first few minutes of meeting the spath I was railroaded by. And had these very same feelings, along with a string of contradictions and manipulations, for months before I was willing to let go. It’s easy to keep giving people the benefit, and ignoring our own negative feelings, when we don’t have the facts to compare our feelings with. Instead we have lies, and these lies keep us off our center just enough that we disregard our feelings…I know I did. I thought I was being ‘too judgemental’, and ‘too sensitive’, and that I was insecure. I thought I was the problem. HAH!
Now I do pay attention to my instincts. They have helped me avoid other collisions with disordered personalities. One lasted just a few months, long distance. He ended up to be a real doozy. Dodged a bullet for cutting it short. Other times I have no idea if they were in fact disordered, and I don’t really care. I know I would rather listen to ME, than to ‘find out’ if someone is a morally insane abuser.
I don’t worry too much about alienating ‘normal’ people. This is the second guessing that keeps us moving forward when our gut is telling us to back out. Your gut won’t decide that everyone is a suspect. Your heart may for awhile. But your gut knows the difference.
My gut feels like it gets nervous, tentative, unsure, anxious. It is subtle, but it is different than THINKING about something that makes me nervous. When I get the feeling that something is ‘off’, but I don’t know WHY, I have no facts…. I back of anyway.
There are billions of people on the planet to interact with, so I figure letting some of them go, based on a gut feeling, isn’t going to permanently isolate me from society.
I still have friends, met my husband (4 years ago, and after about 4 years out of the abusive relationship), and have a good relationship with family, coworkers.
I did spend a few years being more isolated than I am now. I think, looking back, that I needed that to heal and to decide how I would be in the world moving forward. We have to lick our wounds and be ready to face our lives again.
Healing to ALL, Slim
As one who has a degree in social work, I often beat myself up for the absolute mess I let myself get into, for far more years than your situation. It can happen to anyone, unfortunately. This has offered me an education that is lightyears beyond what a university could ever teach me.
Awakening… one good thing I can say is that I got out without it taking several years. The circumstances made it too clear to keep denying what was right in front of me. I feel so bad for you and for anyone who goes through that kind of abuse for years.
I beat myself up daily for being so easy to fool. I blame him, but I also think I just can’t understand how I could have allowed it. I’ve heard from several people now that it seems a lot of people in the psychology field wind up being the victim of these disordered people. I don’t think it’s that any of us are stupid or oblivious. I think maybe we’re trying to be too understanding? I really don’t know if that’s true, but I want to find the answer to that because maybe understanding it will allow me to let myself off the hook a little bit for my part in this mess.
Gaslit, I still consider myself a newbie as I just found out only 3 months ago my ex is a Covert Narcissist. Therefore, Jan7, slim, Annette, Strong and others have far more experience and wisdom than I do.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to being empathetic to a boyfriend who has an injury/illness. Mine manipulated me with his injury and I fell for all the associated lies of the symptoms and such.
These guys really are fantastic manipulators. You don’t even realize that everything they say and do is a means to an end….our end. We don’t even realize we are being emotionally abused because we are too busy trying to make things better for them; make their lives easier.
Thanks again for sharing.
Amille22… the expertise they have with manipulating us is quite mind-boggling when you think about it. We’re smart women and they’ve been able to twist us around and form us into the yes-girls they want! We had the same type of circumstance with injury playing a big role. Mine went through cancer and constantly led me to believe he had growth of the brain tumor taking place… constant headaches, fatigue, stomach pain, always needing me to do this or that for him, take care of all of his needs (sometimes right down to his personal care), meals in bed, constant need for milkshakes that I needed to drive half an hour to get because the only kind he liked were at Sonic (I suspect because when I was out running for something for him, he could text, make calls, sit on the computer and gaze at his disgusting child porn. Like you said, it was all about what WE could do to make THEIR lives better. Never a concern for us. Just more proof of how good they are at manipulation and emotional abuse. Ugh, I’m getting angry just thinking about those damn milkshakes!! lol
Take care Amille!! 🙂
Gaslit073168, so sorry you went through what can only be described as a nightmare, and total mind warp. Having went through my own at the hands of my husband, there is probably much more that you didn’t uncover, and you probably just scratched the surface of the many layers of abuse to young girls, as well as other victims. It is unfortunate that law enforcement will not investigate. Keep trying. After exposing my husband,I know of a few of his victims that were saved from the pain and suffering of an encounter with him. Peace and blessings to you.
Hello everyone… I have disappeared for a few days and I apologize to anyone who I didn’t respond to. It’s been a rough time, but I’m doing ok. It’s been hard to maintain NC but I’ve done it. It’s like I can’t stand not knowing what he’s doing, and I can’t get over the aspect of being so entirely convinced that he loved me when he really didn’t.
But I’m dealing with it and I’m getting there. It’s been hard but it’s worth it to go through these tough days. I have read some posts throughout the past couple days (not all, I’m sorry, got overwhelmed) and I saw that dammit dolls were involved, birthdays, dates (the healthy kind), and still a lot of sadness and anger for many of us. Someone said she has been waking up and realizing she’s not thinking about him immediately… I think that’s fantastic!! I’m not the only one!! It’s been happening to me too. If only he could fade away to nothing, I would be thrilled. I have lots of anger and those moments where I wish I could have him wiped out of my mind forever, but then I realize I’d lose this lesson about my self-respect and believing in my gut. I want to keep that, and I want to move forward to the new person I’m going to be. It’s just going to take time and struggle to get there. Nothing good is easy, right? 😉
Tomorrow I have a biopsy of an ovary. Not looking forward to that, but I have thought on many occasions that this issue I’ve been having is related to the creep. The pain started at the same time he started to become distant (when the prostitute was out of jail and invading our life, I’m sure with his approval). He has never been concerned about this problem I’ve been having with the ovary until recently when I was beginning to eliminate him from my life… then he wanted to know how I was feeling. All concerned, but way too late! ***This reminds me that I read someone talking about cortisol? Can’t recall who (Jan7?). I know this can cause havoc in a person’s system. It was the subject of my thesis… how couples (especially lifelong elderly couples) dealt with separation using cortisol as a factor to measure. Very interesting study! It does have a tremendous affect on the body when intimate relationships are dysfunctional and splitting up.
I’m rambling again… sorry all. I do that frequently! 🙂
Wishing everyone a peaceful and fun-filled week where we all learn something special and productive about ourselves.
xoxo Hugs to all!
Dear Gaslit:
Please report your ex’s child-porn activity (viewing and trolling Craigslist) to the FBI!
I understand firsthand the frustration of trying to get local law enforcement to pay attention to this kind of internet activity and do something about it = they won’t. The FBI should be more receptive to following up on the issue. This is abusive and illegal. Please see the story posted on LF a few days ago about “sexploitation” of underage girls and the FBI.
Please speak up/speak out for protection of the young ones who were exploited, and may very well be too afraid and/or ashamed to report the activity to parents or the authorities. Contact info for the FBI is included in the story referenced above (posted July 18 on LoveFraud).
We should use caution when encouraging anyone to take actions that will upset their ex to the point where they will be in danger. All too often, a violent person will come after the one who reports them, either before they get caught, or years later. I’ve posted before about women being shot/killed hours after their ex is served a Restraining Order.
In this case, depends if this man will be a danger to kids and take it further. Of course we want real dangers to be prevented, and fear should not rule us. The FBI would take time to try to catch him further, and he may catch onto their attempt. And since he already knows its coming from her… she’s on thin ice as it is.
p.s. I forgot about the Craigslist ad. That’s possible RL danger, ya.
My point is – if you plan to turn someone in… make sure that YOU are safe first. Either go visit an out-of-town place for a couple weeks or find out how you can be secure. Never assume that you are safe where you are, or the police can/will protect you 24/7.
Gaslit:
Thinking about you, hoping you are doing OK after your ovary biopsy. You asked in a post about cortisol in relation to effects of abuse, and the answer is YES, having the fight-flight-freeze response triggered over and over and over definitely plays havoc on the body, specifically cortisol and adrenals as well as ovaries. A book I found helpful is “When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress/Disease Connection” by Gabor Mate, MD. Talks about effects of abuse and other emotional trauma on the body.
Justkeepswimmin… thanks so much! I wound up not getting the biopsy, but it’s rescheduled for next week. I’m scared about it, but also VERY glad I’m no longer relying on the unreliable one to support me. He never asked me how I was feeling. I would say “I’m fine… I’m sure you were wondering” and he would laugh and say of course he wanted to know I was ok. He should have been supportive because he knew he was the only person I was confiding in about the issue. My fault because I relied on someone who has no ability to even slightly care.
I need to figure out how to get past the hurt. I’m not doing so great on that these days. He’s a horrifying nightmarish monster for what he’s secretly attracted to (preteen girls) and yet I’m still heartbroken because he didn’t (couldn’t) love me. I feel like I’m the sick one for being devastated about losing the love I thought I had. Yuck!!! It’s hard to admit I still feel love for this horrible creature even at the same time that I feel hate and disgust for him! I wish I could have him put away in prison where he can never hurt anyone again, but the key to it when I think about it is that he would know I put him there, and that makes me happy. My need for vengeance… I wish that would go away. I’m not that type of person, but the anger is getting to me these days. I need to work on that.
Thanks very much for the information about the cortisol, adrenals and ovaries. I do believe the connection is there… it will be great to read this book to confirm what I’ve been thinking! The fight-flight-freeze response is so interesting, and it’s something I hadn’t really given a lot of thought to, but it’s very important information for me to look into right now. It makes a lot of sense! I so appreciate you sharing it with me.
Hugs to you!! Hope you’re doing well 🙂
Gaslit…your response really struck a chord with me on a number of levels. I can so relate to your statement “I’m no longer relying on the unreliable one to support me.” I was stuck for far too long waiting for my ex-narcopath to follow through with a promise, show some concern, care about myself and the children even a LITTLE bit – never happened. I don’t think I will ever be able to wrap my mind around the reality that, as you say, these creatures simply have “no ability to even slightly care [about anyone but themselves]”.
Try not to get too down on yourself for not moving more forward more quickly on your journey towards healing. It’s going to take time, and you are certainly not alone! You will find a lot of support here on this forum. For me, I am years into the process of trying to heal, and have come to terms with the reality that I have a long way yet to go. And that’s OK!
I am going to share with you some favorite resources that I would recommend as good places to start based on what you’ve shared about “where you are” and what you are struggling with at the moment.
About anger:
“Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge” by Laura Schlessinger.
Youtube videos by Ollie Matthews: “Narcissistic Abuse: Dealing with your Anger”; “Stored Anger from Narcissistic Abuse”; and “Righteous Anger from Narcissistic Abuse”
You Tube video by “Narcissist Support”: “How I Handled the Rage After the End of My Narcissistic Relationships”
The videos above talk about “Narcissistic” abuse, but really the content applies I think to anger over abuse at the hands of any Character Disordered individual (narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, etc)
On the body, health effects of abusive emotional stress:
Dr. Lam, Adrenal Fatigue and Adrenal Exhaustion. He is a recognized expert in the field, has books that I’ve read, info on the web, and informational videos on YouTube. Here’s the title of one of his videos I think specifically addresses your present issue (sorry, don’t know how to put as a link); google this title and you should be able to pull it up for viewing: “Ovarian Adrenal Thyroid (OAT) Axis Imbalance and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome”
Dr. Gabor Mate, author of the book I already recommended to you, has videos on YouTube as well. Google “youtube gabor mate stress disease”
Finally, a gal who has a great website as well as youtube channel is “Narcissist Support”. She has a series called “Ask A Question” that I think you will find really helpful. In addition to watching the videos, be sure to read the comments as well – like a virtual support group that she is the facilitator of. And you can send in your own comments and questions for feedback from others.
Hope you find all of this helpful and not too much “information overload”. 🙂
Hugs!! Hang in there