The Internet Dating Safety Act became law in the state of New Jersey, the home of Lovefraud, on January 13, 2008. It is supposed to take effect next month.
The law applies only to New Jersey, USA, residents. It mandates that any Internet dating site must disclose to New Jersey members, clearly and conspicuously, whether it conducts criminal background checks. “The disclosure shall be provided when an electronic mail message is sent or received by a New Jersey member, on the profile describing a member to a New Jersey member, and on the website pages of the Internet dating service used when a New Jersey member signs up,” the law states. “A disclosure shall be in bold, capital letters in at least 12-point type.”
“Internet dating companies bear a responsibility to their customers to provide basic screening to weed out threatening individuals,” said Richard J. Codey, president of the New Jersey Senate, one of the law’s sponsors. “At the very least, Internet daters should at least know whether or not their chosen Web service provides such screening. This will open a lot of people’s eyes to the dangerous aspects of Internet dating.”
Cody’s last sentence represents only possible good that will come from this law—people in New Jersey may become aware of the dangers of Internet dating. In reality, the law is bogus. Online dating companies will never be able to screen out threatening individuals, even if they tried.
True.com lobbied for law
New Jersey, I’m embarrassed to say, was the first state to fall for a lobbying initiative by the dating website True.com.
I wrote about True.com a year ago, in Lying, cheating and online dating. True.com claims that it does not allow married people to sign up, and that it conducts a criminal background check of all members. Users should not believe that True.com is safe.
How does True.com screen for married people? It asks them to certify that they are not married.
And how does True.com run a background check? According to the Internet Alliance, True.com provides the names people give when they sign up—without attempting to verify any identities—to Rapsheets.com, which then runs the names through its database of criminal records. Rapsheets.com gets its information from various state governments that choose to participate—and many of them don’t. Plus, state records are notoriously incomplete—many counties do not even report crimes to a publicly accessible central database.
The bottom line is that True.com claims to screen for married people and criminals, but it reality, its screening is almost useless.
The law is, however, a marketing coup. True.com has succeeded in legislating its business model.
Other big players in online dating—such as Match.com and Yahoo Personals—opposed the law. Match.com concluded that background checks were worthless. But many users won’t know that.
“If consumers see a state mandated warning on the page of one company that doesn’t do screenings, over and over again, they’re going to think something is wrong,” says Braden Cox of NetChoice, who testified against the bill during hearings. “They’ll search out a site that does these screenings, and they’ll not read about the failures of criminal screenings because these will be buried in the terms of service. The result—a mistaken sense of safety.”
For more information on True.com’s shenanigans, see Hot but virtuous is an unlikely match for online dating service, in the New York Times.
Falling in love with a fantasy
Online dating is a huge business. According to Juniper Research, an Internet consultancy, online dating represents a $700 million market. Every month, 20 million people visit online dating sites.
Here’s what these 20 million people should know: All Internet dating sites are dangerous.
As Lovefraud explains in Online Seduction, anyone who falls in love with someone over the Internet falls in love with a fantasy. You never really know who you’re talking to. And much of the interpersonal information you usually use in order to evaluate someone—tone of voice, body language—is missing.
Furthermore, background checks on dating sites will never work because:
- It is impossible to find out if someone is married.
- Criminal records databases are incomplete.
- Crimes like fraud are rarely prosecuted, so there is no conviction and no record.
- Domestic violence often goes unreported.
- Many people who do not have criminal records are still predators.
Lovefraud readers have told many, many stories of becoming involved with sociopaths who seemed to be upstanding members of their communities, but were, in fact, emotionally, financially and even physically abusive. Much of this behavior never gets exposed in court, either criminal or civil. Therefore, there is no record.
Report dating ads on Lovefraud
Lovefraud endorses no dating sites. In fact, we make every effort to block dating sites from advertising on Lovefraud. Every time we see one, we add it to our banned list.
Still, you may see dating ads on Lovefraud.com. This is because Google enables advertisers to target ads geographically. So a dating site for Australians, for example, may advertise on our website, and here in New Jersey, we’ll never see it.
If you see an ad for a dating site on Lovefraud, please let us know. Send the url (www.datingsite.com) to terry@lovefraud.com, and we’ll block it.
Listen to your instincts
Dating sites represent a perfect storm for cheaters, criminals and con artists. Predators see plenty of targets who have already admitted to being lonely. Predators can hide their true identities and intentions. Predators can work many targets at once, looking for one—or more—who will give them what they want.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites who just want to meet someone nice. So if you’re going to use a dating site, here’s my advice: Only get involved with people who live near you. This way, you can spend quality time with them—and check them out.
Finally, with online dating, keep your eyes and ears open, be skeptical—not starry-eyed, and always listen to your instincts.
Righteous…
Ever here the saying “come and see my etchings?”
I am still feeling ill. I hope no one falls for this BS.
And all contempt is meant, clear and my intent.
That’s the thing, all the people that want to share their etchings, their music, their lifestyle, a meal, are not predators. Seduction in and of itself, is still part of Human Nature, and desired by the majority of people. It is knowing better that is important to avoid falling into the pitfalls. One Can not condemn the majority. That is like men saying in general that women are looking for a meal ticket in a man, and are good for laying on and not much else. As a woman who is still alive, Who has desires and needs that are perfectly normal, I won’t live like that. It is very sad for me to see attacks on innocent bloggers who stumble upon the site.
I amnot condemning the majority of normal men. I have a great husband, I adore him.
This is not therapeutic- I cannot fathom how it could be- there’s no therapist, just some guy getting a party together.
If this was therapy—taking a HUGE leap of my imagination– these folks would meet regularly and know their therapists.
This is an anonymous get-together meant to act as a shield for swingers. Psychos would love this as “cover.”
Lets hug. Barf again.
It is actually recommended by psychologists for people with intimacy issues. I looked at the site DOUGL referred to and it is nationwide. I know on the surface it sounds unseemly…It is just not your thing…Not mine either…but you couldn’t tell that by the way I was writing. My point was to not attack unknowing visitors to the site….not the cuddle parties.
ps
I know seduction. It’s called I’ll be there when you are sick, insane, lost and impoverished.
I wonder if women are looking for the trappings, they miss the real presents. My husband for one is not suave or flirtaeous. He’s damn interesting, good looking, but not interested in BS. Never has been- I recall on our first dat- I opened the door, he was facing the wall.
But yeah- even I forget he is the present. I fall for the charm, and think why can’t he be like that. I call sexy going to buy me tampons and making me food at 1am. 🙂
Righteous- I am sorry, we aregoing to disagree here, I see these parties as totally lecherous.
Disagree…No…We just have different perspectives…I see yours, but I am not able to convey to you mine. I am open to all kinds of perspectives all the time…whether I chose to go along is a different story. I can guarantee you that I always do it with taste and class.
Best regards,
RW
Wow – I looked up that cuddle party thing – that does give me the creeps. I have not even heard of those yet!
Tho I do agree too with righteous woman – we should be a little more sensitive to the one time visitors that pop in here – we dont want them logging off thinking we are all a bunch of man-bashers. I think we are likely the opposite – we have so much patience, hope, love, warmth and the desire to make relationships work that we forgot all about our boundries and got hurt.
As for the Internet Dating – I tried it two different times in life.. and both were pathetic. I couldnt really tell you with a label, the types of men I met for coffee – but it would be safe to say all 5 or 6 of them I met – seemed online to be the “best of the bunch”.. but upon meeting – I sat there as the red flags were beating me up right and left! I’m done with that method of meeting men. I do have a friend who married a woman from online, and they are relatively happy 5 years now, but that is a rare lucky case.
Its tough to meet men to date – Sometimes I cant even picture it happening again. I know thats probably not true but since my 2 years with my S – I feel like my world has gotten so much smaller. I did buy a ticket for a nice concert at the concert hall in Seattle this weekend ~ at least its getting out and doing something. Going alone tho, which is hard after being so wined and dined by my S the last two years. I have a few girlfriends locally but they are pretty tied up with husband/kids/pregnancy….etc. Seems like alot of self time is on my horizon.
“Cuddle parties?”
Does that mean that you go somewhere and you “cuddle” with a total stranger(s)?
Why would ANYONE want to cuddle with someone they have just been introduced to?
I agree that some people may fear intimacy, but does “cuddling” with total strangers get you “therapy” for that?
Where are the boundaries?
I am a very huggy person and I love to hug those that I am close to, but hugging or cuddling with total strangers sounds to me like some how outside of a reasonable boundary.
I have friends who go to nudist outings and they tell me that I am “inhibited” because I don’t want to walk nude around a bunch of strangers. I know others who thought (this is years ago) that I was some kind of up-tight prude because I didn’t want to be part of a bunch of “swingers” (partner swapping parties for sex). As far as I know none of this is illegal, but it does not fit within my boundaries of what is appropriate behavior for me to engage in. If someone thinks that makes me uptight, prudish, or fearful of intimacy, so be it. The rationales sound sort of P-ish to me. Just my opinion for what it is worth.
Cuddle Parties. YECH!!!
Of course, not all people who attend something like this are Psychos. Perhaps these parties are designed to help people with intimacy issues.. but I do agree that this is the perfect avenue for Sociopaths to position themselves as senstive fellows who just need a cuddle. Call them: Sensitive New Age Psycho.
Imagine the akwardness of turning down the poor guy that no one wants to cuddle… imagine that after awhile, you start to cave to the pressure of the group… because who wants to be a prude… and now you are “cuddling” with some man you really don’t want to.. and you are feeling his enjoyment on your backside. NO THANK YOU.
And how will you feel about yourself in the morning?
this cuddle conversations is very funny to me cause when i first met my ex s path n at work he used to come in and say i need a hug, and hed lunge at me and hug real tight at this stage we didnt know each other outside of work i found it totally weird and i thought as though he was just pressing up against my breasts. it was like he used this to break down the physical bariers woman have a bout a guy touching them he made it seem so innocent like a friend hugging me but we didnt know eachother that well it was a well thought out ploy i bet he uses all the time to get close to someone he wants to know, he probably still uses it. every shift we worked togethr he would say i need a hug and you just sort of get caught . after a while i saw thru it and noticed he did this with a lot of females he knew. wish i had stopped getting to know him then and there. i wont be going to any cuddle parties i think that is something for good friends lovers and family and i think s paths use this sort of thing all the time its like once they break you physically its easier to do the rest of the conning cause you trust them what a nice guy hugging people!!!!!!!!!! wrong . love to you all .