By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I’ve recognized that my son is a psychopath since 2006, and have cut contact with him. Unfortunately, he has not forgotten me, and sent one of his friends to kill me, and probably intended to, one by one, kill the rest of the family, so he could have everything we collectively own.
Every so often Patrick comes up for parole. I have been working with an attorney who “gets it” about psychopaths, and with others, to protest his parole. I have had wonderful support here from the Lovefraud community, many of whom have sent letters to my attorney in support of my parole protest. Many family members and friends have written some wonderful letters as well. Some of the strongest, most meaningful letters are written by hand on lined notebook paper. I have wept when I read some of them, wept tears because it made me feel so loved to read what the person wrote.
But going to people and asking them to write the letters has also been very stressful. It has been embarrassing as well. I had to explain the situation to some people who didn’t know about all this ”¦ “I have a son in prison for murder and he tried to have me killed and I’m protesting his parole. Will you write a letter for me to the parole board?”
Other people have known me for decades, know the situation with Patrick, know he is in prison for murder, know I went into hiding because he sent a former cell mate to kill me. I had no doubt these people would freely write letters ”¦ and some of them told me a resounding “No, I won’t write a letter.” Even though I told these people there was no way he could find out they wrote the letter, since parole hearings are secret, like grand jury hearings, still, they would not write the letter.
Betrayed and belittled
I felt betrayed and belittled ”¦ that they did not take my safety as a priority. I began to feel somewhat like I felt when my son, D, and I ran for our lives, leaving our home and most of our possessions to go live in a trailer parked in a friend’s front yard. At that time, my son, C, my daughter-in-law, and my mother “pooh-poohed” my fear of a convicted pedophile that was living in my mother’s home as her “live-in caregiver,” was a “friend” to my son, C, and a former cellmate of Patrick’s.
During that fateful summer when I first discovered LoveFraud, I spent days crouched over my computer compulsively crying. I haven’t felt that bad since then. But this parole hearing, and being turned down by people I considered close friends for decades, has sent me into a tailspin of emotional turmoil and physical symptoms brought on by the anxiety and stress.
Last time when he came up for parole, we had a large packet of documents and evidence against my son and the Trojan Horse friend of his. We had letters and cell phone pictures from inside his prison cell that he had e-mailed out to his friend, before he got caught with the cell phone. This time I don’t have that evidence to present to the parole board. And 20 years, plus or minus one or two years, is about all the time “life” for murder means in Texas. (Unless it is a cop or multiple murders.)
This chaotic mess sounds like a plot from a bad soap opera. It was so unbelievable that my new therapist that summer actually thought I was a paranoid schizophrenic, and asked me to bring in witnesses to my bizarre story. Frankly, I wasn’t offended, because my story did sound like a nut job.
Re-experiencing the trauma of the past
Over all I have done pretty well. Even still, I still get stressed!
No contact is so important in allowing us to heal and to stay healed. But just like a physical wound that heals and leaves a scar, and is never the same as undamaged tissue, neither is our psyche. When we have contact, even “back door” contact, when we have to dredge up all the old feelings and the old emotional responses in order to deal with a current problem with the psychopath, it re-injures us.
I publish articles here all the time on how to deal with psychopaths, how to stay strong, and yet, sometimes I feel that anxiety, I feel that stress, and I feel that pain again. So just knowing about psychopaths, just knowing the things to do, doesn’t always keep us from feeling the painful emotions.
It doesn’t mean I am a failure; it simply means I am human. I, too, have feelings, and I, too, have needs for safety and peace. Sometimes, just thinking about the situation with my son takes away that feeling of safety. The disappointment I feel when friends I loved devalue and belittle me by refusing to help me with my parole protest, by even writing a letter—well, it hurts. The ones who have written powerful validations of my situation, though, have made me realize I do have some wonderful caring friends.
So I am not alone. Most of the time I do okay. Most of the time I count my blessings, and I have many blessings. But sometimes, I just cry into my pillow for those people I wish had loved me as much as I loved them.
What I’m trying to say by this article is that no matter how well you do, how healed you are, there may come times in your life when you feel like you are re-experiencing the trauma from the past, and falling apart again. It’s okay. It happens, even to the strongest of us, even to the ones who “know” all about psychopaths, because we are human. We do have emotions, and sometimes those emotions are triggered.
When it happens, accept it. Be good to yourself, let yourself feel your feelings, but rest, eat right, and reach out to those who love you. And above all, count your blessings. God bless.
Oxy,
My heart goes out to you. Some of here are ‘luckier’ than others’. What I mean is I don’t have a son, who isn’t going away, and who will likely always come around for parole hearings, beating at the door of my PTSD.
I know you know how to take care of yourself….but I have to say it anyway, Oxy, take REAL good care…and know we all understand.
xo, Slim
Shane, it’s uncompassionate of this woman to try and impose a hierarchy of pain in her comparison of your experiences. It’s not appropriate. Maybe she is too overwhelmed with her problems to be a positive healthy source of support. Don’t jeopardise your recovery staying in contact if so, that has to be priority number one, peace and love to you
Sky, oh yeah. Time for me to grow up and assume full and complete responsibility for me and my life. Very frightening. But not as frightening as sleep walking out of complacency and naivety into the hands of a maniac.
Hi Shane,
I had what sounds like a very similar experience. The woman I knew even introduced me to the idea of psychopathy as an explanation for the betrayal I experienced. She has a brother who is a horrible spath, and drove his mother into a psychotic break.
Long story short, she also thought I should get over it much more quickly, and that it was ‘only’ lovefraud (a broken heart), and not like I was threatened with murder or anything. She even had him over to her house, for another woman’s party, because she couldn’t NOT invite him without it being ‘awkward’. WTF?
I did what others’ here did. I let her go. Have never spoken to her since.
I hope you have other, more accepting, friends in your life that are nurturing and understanding.
Tea,
Everyone here knows that I study the red flags and look for signs or patterns that will reveal the spaths.
Still, what I’ve come to understand is that it starts out with us studying them and ends up with learning about OURSELVES. When we learn to set boundaries, when we learn to insist on being treated well and respected, then we don’t have to know very much about the red flags.
The boundaries demand that EVERYONE treat us compassionately, not just the spaths. We don’t make exceptions.
I had a “friend” online who treated someone else badly, though she was always nice to me. Her excuse was that she was “triggered” and it was her PTSD that made her do it. She wouldn’t apologize to the offended party, she wouldn’t back down. It was all about her.
So I went NC. Later I found out that she did apologize but she was still secretly plotting to hurt the offended party.
Even though she never targeted me, I knew it was not wise to stay in contact with her. If she would hurt others, she will eventually hurt me and I wasn’t going to wait around for that.
Our boundaries should include moral standards that we expect from everyone. These things keep us safe.
Sky, you are so right, if someone will HURT OTHERS, but not you (YET) you can bet your boots they will move up to hurting YOU eventually.
I have also come to realize that a person who is a FRIEND to my ENEMY, is not a FRIEND to ME.
My X BF burned down the house of his last x GF before me. SEt it on fire, and burned it pretty much all inside…ruined the historic house she had destroyed her grandmother’s antiques…and there IS NO DOUBT he did it. Not enough evidence to prosecute him, but NO DOUBT, and one of the “best friends” of the woman whose house was burned is STILL A FRIEND TO the man she knows burned the house. WHAT???
Well, he didn’t burn HER house, but so she is still friends with him. I don’t see this woman very often but she is in my living history group and I see her at some events, but I don’t seek her out as a friend. I would not invite her to a party at my house even if it was one where I invited people from my group, she would not be on the list. It isn’t just that she is “cordial” to this man who is in the larger group, like nod and move on if she sees him at a bit event, but she ACTIVELY seeks him out to socialize with.
The gal whose house was burned is very active in the group and at the larger regional events she sees the X BF and she is “cordial” in other words essentially GRAY ROCK, nods, says hello and doesn’t make a scene.
At the most recent regiional event I didn’t go but my son D went. the X BF came up to D and was being oh, so friendly, asking about the farm etc. and son D was Gray rocking him with one word responses, “fine” “great” “no problems” and then the guy said “You know, I need to come up there and visit you guys and get some of your Scots Highland beef.”
Son D said he turned and looked X BF in the eye and said in a VERY GRUFF VOICE, “That would NOT be a good idea, Buddy”
Son D said that the guy STUTTERED and couldn’t come up with a reply, because apparently he thought just because D spoke to him at all meant there was no hard feelings. LOL Yea, right.
The last time I saw him I did not speak.
The time before that I told him that if my house was struck by lightening and I SAW it struck and knew that was what set it on fire, I would STILL be AFTER HIM and my SONS would be after him.
He did do something nasty to me, but it wasn’t burn my house at least.
We must look at the MORAL COMPASS of someone and if it fails to point pretty much “due north” then we need to pass that person on by. If they cheat, lie, steal, and abuse others, they WILL eventually cheat, lie and steal from us. I found out after I started dating him that my now X BF had cheated on his wife of 32 years CONTINUALLY, and though I thought (for a while) Oh, he won’t do that to ME—even before the wedding, YES HE DID DO THAT. He only wanted a “respectable wife” to keep his harem of women who were scattered all over the place from each wanting to marry him and once his wife caught him and kicked him out, each of these women was wanting to be the next Mrs. P, so he wanted a “respectable” wife not the “whores” he was screwing. A respectable wife to cheat on. What a winner he was. NOT! So glad I didn’t marry him and then have to find all this out.
Same thing with “friends” if they will tolerate people who they KNOW are dishonest, or if they are dishonest themselves, I don’t need them in my life. It’s been a difficult and painful lesson for me because I WANT to trust people.
Thank you so much, all of you! You make me feel so welcome, here and it feels so good to know this. Thank you. Forgive me, as I have been working all day, and have just returned here. Thank you for all of the amazing words of wisdom and support. Truthspeak, thank you for validating how the way I was treated by the person, could be that of a slap in the face. I think that is exactly how I had felt. Actually, my heart fell to the floor. I am feeling so much better, this evening, thankfully.
You wrote: That this person that you’ve mentioned claimed that you weren’t “tainted enough” to continue focusing on sociopathy is a TERRIBLE slap in the virtual face. Whether or not this person is, indeed, disordered and trolling online for source targets doesn’t matter. Anyone who would minimize another person’s experiences and subsequent pain in such a cold, harsh way is TOXIC!!!
As sad as it is, I am so glad to hear you say that this person is toxic. I have been feeling that way, however, I had developed such trust, and (what I thought was) a friendship, or at least as much as you can have with someone, online. It was like the type of friendships that I have observed all of you having, here. So, to learn that this was not the truth of the matter, was very shocking to me, in a sense. Thank you for validating my feeling and what I had perceived of her behavior/treatment. She is actually a blog owner, which is somewhat frightening to think that she could behave in such a way with the wrong person, ie; someone who has just become aware of the dupe, in the initial stages of grief, confusion, cog dis, etc. Anyway, I am moving on from it, and I accept your invitation to come here and spend time with all of you, which is what I should have continued to do, previously, but no should, coulda woulda’s I guess, at this point. I am here now and forever grateful, as I am definitely not finished with my healing process, and quite honestly believe that I will want support, and to offer support to others for the duration of my life. Thank you, again
Ox Drover, thank you for remembering me, I truly appreciate that. You wrote: This “friend” that you trusted is NO FRIEND, and it hurts when someone we trusted lets us down and she did that for sure. Maybe she isn’t a psychopath, but she sure is not a functional survivor, and if she is comparing her own pain to yours and saying “well, you didn’t have as much trauma/pain as I did soo yours is not important” she is obviously MISSING THE POINT about healing.
I thought exactly, that, but it was so shocking I couldn’t help but ask myself, is this really happening? Kind of like the WTF with regard to the ex-P. That same sort of feeling after the love bombing and then the switcheroo, or what ever you call it. It is like being blind-sided, so to speak, but I do know I don’t have to try and explain that, here. Thanks so much. I copy and pasted your wise advise to Word, and I will get the book you have recommended. You actually recommended Kubler Ross’s book on grief to me, a while ago, and it was beyond helpful, so thank you for that and the additional recommendation, I truly appreciate it!
Hi Tea Light, nice to make your acquaintance, and thanks so much for your positive encouragement. You are so right! I went NC right after the incident, by the way, and although I felt I was being hasty, I knew it was right, and today I am feeling relieved. Thanks, again!
Hi Slimone, thank you, and sorry you had to deal with your similar issue, as well. I do have others who support me, so I am fortunate in that sense, however, they have not been duped by a P, therefore the reason I became close with someone who I could share with, that understood on the deepest of levels, but it is now apparent that the trust part of a friendship with her was not there, so I am here, and feeling as though this is a truly great place to be. Many thanks!
Looking forward to reading and sharing more-
Thank you for your kind and generous support,
Shane
Shane, believe me I have run acrooss some real “doozies” on the internet…people I thought were okay and found out they were full on psychopaths in some cases. In fact, I just send Donna an article about one I met on a web site for a “murder victims survivors help sites” and he tried to con me out of money—for “expenses” of course to help me. Fortunately he hit on the wrong BIATCH and I ended up getting his job by getting him to put his requests in writing on E mails and then sending that to the executive director of the group (which is legitimate) and though the director at first thought “this is just a mis understanding” I showed him it was DISHONESTY and POOF! The guy lost his job (paid job) with the group.
You never know were you will meet trolls, and there have been some people who did all kinds of ugly stuff from sex stuff on line, to meeting someone for purpose of murder/rape, so it pays to be CAREFUL people can be “anyone” on the other side of the screen.
Meeting people in person is no guarantee that they are who/what they say they are, but it gives you some better chance, especially if you meet their friends family coworkers, neighbors, etc. but not even then is 100% guarantee. It ;just takes time and observations to tell who and what someone is.
We need to learn the red flags and to honor them, when we see dishonesty or meanness of any kind in a person, RUN!
Shane, something else to consider regarding narcissism: narcissists really feel that they are entitled, that they are right. They feel justified.
The ancient tribes who practiced human sacrifice in order to appease the gods, really believed that they were doing the right thing sacrificing the one scapegoat, to save many. N’s feel the same and you can’t convince them otherwise. They believe that they are right to treat you badly, to be inconsiderate, to slime you with their guilt.
I’m sure that the frienemies who betrayed you and I and everyone else, felt justified. There is nothing you can do about it. You can’t change how they feel because they NEED to feel that way.
All we can do is watch for the red flags of narcissism and know what to expect. Sure, lots of us are guilty of acting badly, but the difference –the BIG difference– is that once we see that we are acting badly, we own up to it, take responsibility, don’t make lame excuses (oh but I have PTSD, people don’t understand me, I misspoke, I would apologize but it would be taken the wrong way!!), and make amends.
So so true, Skylar. You make profound points. And the excuse making and all. And I do think that she needs to feel that way because she was clearly wanting to win what she seemed to see as a victim contest of sorts, but the problem with that was, I am the opposite, and have worked hard to become a survivor and a victor and NOT a victim. Yes we were all victimized, however, who wishes to stay in that position, head space, frame of mind, etc. She thought that who ever was most victimized was the winner, and was the only one worthy of expressing their wounds, I guess. I feel for her. Oh my. Who wants to stay in that place. No, I did not have abusive parents, however, my mother had a narcissistic mother, and we all went through much healing with my Mom, and my mom is the the most beautiful spirit (sorry I am getting off topic). My point being, I didn’t have to be abused by a parent, to understand Narcissism/Psychopathy, and somehow, I too, was duped and became personally involved with a P, 18 months, ago and it was a Hellish experience, especially the hardest parts of the aftermath. Yet, I was told that I am not damaged enough. Not tainted enough to have an excuse to be “dwelling” (which I am not dwelling), on Psychopathy. I have been learning, reading, I was seeing a terrific therapist who works with survivors of trauma and many of those have been inflicted by Cluster B’s. My point being. We all have our stories. No matter how long or short term, whether they only gas lighted, tricked us, or were full blown murderers, we all had the life sucked out of us for at least some period of time, and I believe the symptoms are the same for all of us, for the most part. When I realized the dupe I had the chemicals in my body and brain go wacko, the hormone and adrenal issues, hair falling out, isolation, fear, loss of all trust, then the intensity of anger, humiliation, pain, etc. Maybe I have not experienced Pathology for my entire life, but I have been healing from an experience with the same kind of person as she is, therefore blablabla. I can ramble. If she wishes to feel more victimized, she has my blessings, as I am the opposite, and wish to heal fully. Thank you so much!