I received a text:
I am driving to Middleburg to
sign paperwork. If u can
sign today we will be done
w all this stuff.
Want to celebrate?
My ex husband sent me this text on June 4, 2013. We’d been in court for most of seven years at that point, first for our divorce and then again when he filed for full custody of two of our three children and requested that I have no visitation. He only wanted the boys.
I was working at my computer when the text came in. I looked at the time on the corner of my screen—12:17pm. What, did he want to get a drink? Go out to lunch and blow off the rest of the afternoon together? What exactly did he have in mind?
I went back to working and then picked up my phone to read it again. Then again, one more time. He’d finally signed our custody settlement after two years of strained wishing that he would.
After almost seven years of filing motions against me in court.
And nine years before that of the kind of marriage that took me from being a confident woman in a medical program to a quiet female who made lunch for him and his lover in our home.
And one more year before that of a passionate courtship during which he convinced me he was the love of my life.
Even though I’d known him for years by the time that text came in, I was still stunned. I still couldn’t believe that he could really torture, batter, abuse, and maim other people—even our children—and through deluded thought patterns actually believe that we could still celebrate together when he agreed (on paper) to stop.
He believed it so whole-heartedly that he invited me out to celebrate.
Psychopaths are confusing. M. Scott Peck says that confusion is a sign of evil—that if you’re around someone who confuses you all the time, you should see it as a red flag.
And my ex confused me. Because if he didn’t feel guilty, then did he really do anything hurtful? Maybe he didn’t mean to. When I was around him, I came to question myself daily. Was I making him out to be worse than he was? Could he really be bad when he seemed so nice sometimes? When everyone liked him so much? He presented himself as a victim of everyone and everything, including me. So did that mean he was or is? How did we construct our separate realities? How could our perceptions be so incredibly different?
If he hit me but then happily brought me a glass of wine, ready to celebrate together with no remorse, was he faking his good mood and hiding the sense that he felt bad for what he did? Or not?
Psychopaths generally seem like very happy people.
That text, asking me to celebrate, offers a glimpse into his conscienceless way of being in the world. Even today, I still want him to know that he hurt me, and that he hurt our children. I want him to feel bad about some part of that.
But he never will.
Some people have no remorse.
~This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
Why am I not trusting the love of my life? Part 1 of 4
HGbeverly, of all the articles and comments I’ve read here, yours hits the nail on the head, finally, at least for me. I’ve felt something that I haven’t been able to verbalize even to myself that is embodied in your post.
“if you’re around someone who confuses you all the time, you should see it as a red flag.”
YES! This as a symptom of a serious and dangerous issue of the confuser, not a weakness in the confusee.
“And my ex confused me. Because *if he didn’t feel guilty, then did he really do anything hurtful?* Maybe he didn’t mean to. When I was around him, I came to question myself daily. Was I making him out to be worse than he was? Could he really be bad when he seemed so nice sometimes? When everyone liked him so much? He presented himself as a victim of everyone and everything, including me. So did that mean he was or is? How did we construct our separate realities? How could our perceptions be so incredibly different?”
HG, this paragraph really describes exactly how I felt during my experience with a sociopath. It plagues me today, 3 yrs later. I, too, was confused, definitely questioned myself and made excuse after excuse for his obviously inconsistent, often throwaway attitude towards me. He always acted and looked cool as a cucumber, controlled, definitely had that need to be right which I found obnoxious, but I made excuses for that as well.
Like you, I questioned *myself* even though he was the one acting completely off-the-wall, and yes, confusing me daily. Deadly behavior. So dangerous.
You want your ex to feel badly about hurting you and your children. You want him to know that he hurt you but he never will. Thankfully you have come to understand and hopefully accept that. For me, that has been the hardest part. The fact that there was no remorse and never will be. It is as impossible for some of us to grasp as it is for a path to feel it. I’ve always said they choose well. They have radar for people who question themselves.
Thankfully you won the custody battle after *7* years. My God. And he wanted to go out and celebrate. Nothing illustrates how sick they are better than that. No remorse as you said. Never.
Best to you, HG and thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m certain many have gained invaluable insights from it as I have today.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s the story similar to so many in this community of support. I hope that for all of you, you have come out of the horror of living with a sociopath, with an abundance of gratitude in the release from these sick people. Often we talk about us being captured, blindsided, abused etc. but when we have the blessing of being able to leave it all behind us, we have come out strong with wisdom, insight, clarity and gratitude. If we had never lived this, we would never be able to share and understand each other and be able to help others. And the reality is that we’re not leaving it in this moment, thank God. For me, I lived through what victim advocates with domestic violence call “the 11th hour”…fleeing our home in the middle of the night. The day the divorce papers were signed my ex also invited me over to celebrate andsaid that he had hoped we could become friends and be involved in each others life still. This was after an addendum was put in the divorce by me, that there was to absolutely be NO contact with me or any of my family or extended family..you just have to shake your head, and I actually laughed and just had to shake my head. It’s taken me a while to drive around town and not be looking over my shoulder.it was this community they gave me the assurance that he would move on very quickly and I would have nothing to worry about. So thank you everyone who contributes here.
Catherine there are degrees of physical abuse. From black eyes to crippling to coma to death.
The same applies to emotional abuse. From being naughty and selfish to the extreme. Because the emotional abuse is not apparent, the way acid thrown in the face is, it is easy to blame the victim for not concentrating on ‘recovery’.
My therapist has told me that it is amazing how much I have persevered, considering the abuse. I have been in recovery from the time I realized it was not me that needed fixing. That emotional acid (which leaves no physical scars) was constant and the disability, although invisible, is irreversible.
Empirical evidence indicates that betrayal and sadism can be more harmful physically and emotionally than a straight forward punch in the face, as bad as physical abuse is.
Thank you AnnettePK!
Canuck, before you posted a link of children being abused by their parents. My comments are always from the view of an adult who dealt with one this extremely selfish people but always being an adult, so someone who was always capable of quitting at anytime the relationship. I am not sure if we are talking from the same point of view.
That is the thing Catherine. Evil does not relinquish domination and control over their spawns just because we have reached the age of reason. Especially because we have reached the reason. Exactly like the women who are stalked by strangers, parents who have told their offspring that they have given life and just as easily will take it away, ramp up the punishment when the controlled possession attempts to make the break. There is no line to draw between childhood and becoming an adult.
It is so exasperating trying to explain to those who carry notions of characteristics all ‘parents’ would have. For example, I told father kidnapping and murdering my Old English Sheepdog, out of my backyard when I was in my twenty’s while I was at work, was a crime and he would go to jail. He told me because he is my father nobody would believe me. He was right. The humane society and police thoight I was crazy. Can you imagine how that felt and the lesson? Nobody believes when it is parents abusing you physically and emotionally when you are an adult but if it is a boyfriend you are heard. As long as they are alive there is no escape and afterwards the abuse is by proxy because of the lifetime of gas lighting to all other relations, isolation and gaslighting. I have never been paid for sex yet cousins, whom I had not seen for decades, after my father’s funeral assumed I was a prostitute. A parent would never lie right, that is why his lies were believed. He made a fabulous uncle but as a parent he destroyed me.
You are right, we were not speaking of the same thing. As salvation 2012 stated, the abuse manifests itself in your body, becomes who you are physically -impossible to walk away from.
I don’t agree with that point of view. We do grow up and there is a point when we are able to think by ourselves and we are also able to become independent and leave our parent’s home. I think that after that point we do have responsibility towards our own lives. This doesn’t mean that will never make mistakes or that very challenging and difficult circumstances will never appear, but we do have a responsibility on how we solve them that we didn’t have when being children. Like with sociopaths, when can choose to cut contact. It is always in our hands to say « It was enough » , we should never forget that to set the limits it is our responsibility as adults; the same with parents or with any other abusive person who enters our lives. I am very fond of that proverb that says: “The first time you cheat on me it is your fault, the second time, it is my fault”. But these are my views, and that is how I choose to rule my life. We can all choose what we do prefer to think and do.
Then you have never had evil for a parent Catherine.
I have a friend with abusive parents who left her parent’s home when she was economically independent and never looked back. We can all sever any bonds that do us no good.
Sorry I should have said crippled instead of disability. We are emotionally crippled the same way physically breaking arms and legs (that were never set right) would cripple a human being. Sure the bones would mend, yet not being set right, one would never walk the same. Does that make one stronger and better, compensating when they walk?
Taking my last name and putting it before that of my ex who is a sociopath/psychopath to the max (what a talent to be both!) is a homophone for “remorse.” That alone should have been a red flag. The lying, manipulation, threats and all that BH Beverly describes were there, too.
Several years now of crawling my way back to civilization after my involvement with this person, I live near a town called Middleburg in VA. So I’m a little wigged that quite possibly there’s another one of these remorse-less creatures roaming around horse country.
But here’s my point of logging in and commenting. I am learning, and writing, about the new science around neurology, nutrition, healing. It’s fascinating and consoling what the brain can do, if given hope. The Amen Clinic is one good resource in NoVA for understanding the plasticity of the brain. My go-to guru, Mooji, is another source for me; he says, your thoughts are not you, they may not even be real. I worry that too much of “the secret” and “christian science” belief in the non-reality of the physical world can lead into a s’path kind of behavior, but there’s too much to write here on this topic, and that comment alone might have been too provocative!
I simply want to say here on Love Fraud that I will not allow that chaotic, non-sensical, debilitating experience consume my thoughts and infiltrate the love I want to experience in this world going forward. Sort of like Scarlett O’Hara clutching at the dirt here …
Hi 4Years,
I’m in VA too and my ex psychopath is kind of up your way….
I’m glad you’ve found something that is helping you.
Would that your come back to him would have been ” I sure do and will! But not with you!”
The price for them of no remorse is big because they don’t quit the MO. (No pain, no gain.) They do wither and wear out earlier than they should. And their constant companion is a shapeless sadness that they can never get a handle on.
http://medicalxpress.com/news/2015-01-childhood-adversity-psychiatric-disorders-cellular.html?utm_source=nwletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=ctgr-item&utm_campaign=daily-nwletter
Abuse by a parent, in my opinion, is the worst. I am not sure if given enough time my first husband would have been abusive because my father destroyed any chance of a relationship between us. We were a young couple therefore unable to recognize it for what it was, hence too inexperienced to escape his manipulation. That in itself is a long story. I do know that my choices in life partners, after my first, have not been the healthiest because my boundaries have been all over the place due to the parental abuse.
I have binge sported black eyes to being left for dead due to poor choices in life partners. These events are not even a blip on the emotional radar in comparison to the blood bonded parental abuse. Even the abuse by my stepmother, who entered my life later, I feel blase about. Was a few years into therapy before being left for dead by my ex was brought up.
Think the reason it is so much easier to dismiss abuse at the hands of strangers is because parental abuse creates biological changes on the cellular level as evidenced by the study in the link above.
This comment clarifies many things of your other comments. Thanks.
The article you linked refers to cells aging quicker, which is something that happens at any age due to high levels of stress as it is already known. I reproduce: “These findings indicate that childhood stress and some psychiatric disorders are linked to important cellular changes that may represent advanced cellular aging.”
Abuse by a parent is the worse because the child is not mature enough to put the abuse in perspective and, above all, he/she can not escape.
IMO, what it is important for an adult who was abused as a child is to consciously draw a line after his/her past and identify abusive behavior he/she should not tolerate ever again and to assign the responsibility of his abuse only to the parent or parents who abuse him/her. If the line is never drawn, the people who are to blame are not mentally judged, and the unacceptable behaviors are not identified and set clear boundaries, it is very likely that the person will let the past leak into their future too.
I hope you are better and specially never believe that your state is irreversible, because it is not. You do owe your life, you have all the control of what you choose to do every single day, don’t forget that.
The line could only be drawn after my father’s funeral seven years ago. Not through any action of mine the abuse has ‘leaked’ into the present because gas lighting toxicity does not stop after the prepertrator is gone. It becomes abuse by proxy.
I gotta wonder if my ex-boyfriend is going through tax-foreclosure, or if he is in fear of foreclosure. I can’t figure out if that is what is going on by looking at the court records. But, looking at the court house records in our county, he is behind in taxes for 3 years (and too soon to be behind in taxes for 2014, cause it’s not July 31 2015 yet. So he is not behind by four years in property taxes, NOT YET.
If that is what is going on that would make sense why he sent me a letter of apology recently, and then why he called me on phone.
I haven’t heard from him for over 4 years. Not since he harassed me into calling the police on him. And, he turned it around on me.
I have noticed that he always has a Plan B. A parasitic plan to have someone in line to pay for his living expenses.
I could not find anything on him. It looks like he is still landowner of his property. Of course he never gets caught in his spiderweb, everyone else gets caught in his spiderweb.
I think I may be in a relationship with a sociopath ….I have children with him…can someone tell me where I can post my story and questions please?
Worried,
You can start at “True Lovefraud Stories” on the red bar at the top and then “Tell Your Story” or you can post on the Getting back on track….” thread which is pretty active.
There is a lot of information on this site that can help you. Sadly, if you are concerned that he may be a sociopath he probably is.
Worried momma,
I am in an amazing group on facebook! Friend me there and I’ll add you. It is so supportive and informative! My name there is Tabitha Mathes. Look for me and let me know it’s you. Much love!
Jeannie, the best thing you can do is remain NO CONTACT and try not to keep track of him! You may get sucked back into his manipulation if you expose yourself to him or his life!
I am a sociopath and I have been victim to a female psychopath myself so I can actually have empathy with other victims here. Yes sociopaths have compassion and can take pity, it is the psychopath that does not. That lady abused me emotionally and bled me dry for money. Every day with her was an emotional Rollercoaster either she was the sweetest girlfriend ever or she abused me most severely. After I broke it off she started to extort me for money. That said I do understand and fear the species psychopath myself.
However like I pointed out I am a sociopath and very very functional. What really brought me here is you saying elsewhere on your site that people like me need to be found out and put under medical / psychiatric supervision. Who the Fxxk do you think you are? And you want to force medication into me to make me docile? I take that as a threat to my well-being. “Control freaks” such as you, site author, fear what they can not control. Well let me add to that. I can switch my empathy off and do things the “normal” won’t even contemplate. If I felt it was the right thing to do I could walk into a room with a bucket of gasoline and splash it over people and light them up.. and then go have lunch.feeling absolutely fine. No not arbitrary innocent people but lets assume a room full of child molestors. You will notice I don’t need a gun. I don’t have any inhibition to taking life aside from my judgement who deserves to live and who must die. I alone am the judge of that. I don’t foresee myself doing that any time soon however I do have the option every minute of my life.
So yes, I am out there and not at all willing to submit to your drugs and therapy. So, how does it feel not to be in control? How does it feel to be walking in a minefield full of people like me and my ex? We hide well and in plain sight and if ever only the dumbest of our kind is ever caught and controlled.
I have received reports about the above comment. I am letting it stand, because I think it is an accurate and important look into the mindset of a sociopath.
Actually if you exchange the world “sociopath” and “psychopath” for the name of any evil fiction antagonist it sounds quite funny. No wonder I’ve never liked 3 years old kids…
I completely agree with you Donna-know your enemy. I didn’t like the tone of this arrogant, egotistical, ‘potentially’ violent man… but ultimately I loved the fact that he started his comment explaining how he was NOT a psychopath but then went on to say
“I can switch my empathy off and do things the “normal” won’t even contemplate. If I felt it was the right thing to do I could walk into a room with a bucket of gasoline and splash it over people and light them up.. and then go have lunch.feeling absolutely fine. No not arbitrary innocent people but lets assume a room full of child molesters. You will notice I don’t need a gun. I don’t have any inhibition to taking life aside from my judgement who deserves to live and who must die. I alone am the judge of that. I don’t foresee myself doing that any time soon however I do have the option every minute of my life”.
Now I am no expert….but if someone I knew said that to me (even in jest) I would be worried…I might even call the police! I like the fact this man had a chance to express himself on this site . Well done Donna-brave but totally correct in my mind. Of course we are all at different degrees of recovery and pain and the awful fall-out of a socio/psycho… but hearing from all of you through this site…. and then hearing the rantings of ‘our collective’ enemy (if you know what I mean) gives me so much hope and gladness…. because at the end of the day the only reason these people are ‘hiding in full sight’ is because for whatever reason as good people we wanted to believe their lies- once we saw/see clearly (even through pain and loss) they are no longer hiding in plain sight! I gained a deep personal pleasure in ‘outing’ my psycho.
Perhaps the comment could be moved to another place on the blog with a warning? For some it’s more triggering because it shows up in a comment section where the reader doesn’t expect it. It reminded me of the awful feelings I had when my ex spath’s mask began to slip. You thought everything’s ok, and then it gets all creepy and evil.
It reads like the frightening nonsensical stuff my ex spath spoke, word salad meant to frighten and shock, that really doesn’t say anything.
Mybe it’s the space that I’m in at the moment? I went to court on Tuesday-I didn’t give evidence-and the case was dropped. I didn’t give evidence for my own well-being and it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in the 2 (brief) years with a psycho. He was stuck in a limbo of non-control for the 3 months it took to come to court.
The fact this post came up as a comment was alarming in some ways…. but the sheer arrogance is amazing!! I want it give strength to us all…. here we have in ‘writing’ an example of a psychopath (love the fact he would prefer to be called sociopath and then goes all psycho with the petrol story!!).
Exposure is what they are NOT about-yet this one couldn’t resist!! Exposing my ex’s psycho (didn’t need much with scars etc as evidence) was the worst thing for him! Knowing all my friends actively hated him bothered him greatly. Therein lay my personal power. It’s just where I’m at right now-early confident days.
I think the post is worth reading, as chilling as it is, it’s a lesson on how they ‘think’ and a great example of word salad – what point is the writer making?
Perhaps an introductory warning would be helpful for the recovering victim reader.
A spath would be bothered by people not liking him – he can’t manipulate them as easily.
This may be an actionable threat, based on my recent experience with police and courts, and getting a RO against my ex. He only implicitly and indirectly threatened me. I had always thought that did not constitute a threat. But as law enforcement becomes more savvy about narcissistic psychopaths announcing their intentions in manifestos and on internet boards and social networks, perception of when a threat is a threat is changing.
In my situation, it fell into an expanded definition of domestic violence, for which I am very thankful. FYI, even though in the latest, worst threat he said something that also contradicted the threateningness of it, the police told me I should warn some people also named. So they still saw it as a threat.
Like the above, he fantasized about violent actions and ways for people to die. It was to be a backhanded or non-specific way of threatening, in which nonetheless, the threat was obvious. Like that above, as I read it. So, for all who care, the era of making people afraid by stopping just short of the line, while simultaneously crossing it, are coming to an end.
Glad to hear those news. Actually it is pretty obvious that exaltation of personal capacity to exert violence towards others is a way of telling the other person what they would to with them too, so a type of threat. This person, who is not a 3 years old child, definitely needs medication, not to be “docile” (as he says) but to be an emotional functional person and a person that can coexist in a pacific society.
Yes, it is a threat. Also includes profanity – the ‘f’ word, whether he writes out all the letters or not the reader knows what word he is using. In my state it is called ‘curse and abuse’ and it is illegal.
In my state, showing someone a pocket knife can be a threat.
Thank you for pointing out the threat aspect of this post. I realize that I missed that obvious aspect of it, and that people I know who are not as likely as I am to become victimized by a spath would have recognized it.
I am less comfortable having this post remain in the thread without a warning and interpretation. It would be good if this wonderful and helpful site would remain no contact from spaths, and that it would refuse to enable a spath with a platform.
I find it interesting that sociopath6 is differentiating between himself (a mere “sociopath”) and his abuser (a full blown “psychopath”). A pity play followed by threats to the community? What is his game?
Perhaps he is reading all the comments about his post and enjoying the attention, enjoying that we’re spending time thinking about his post, commenting on his post, and being triggered and bothered by the contents of his post.
Funny, my N/P ex-H sent me an email on his birthday, asking where his “happy birthday” was. We were divorced for 2 years, and it wasn’t pretty. I had pretty much stopped talking to him. Of course, I was not wishing him a happy birthday. Probably more I was thinking I wish he was never born (except for having our kids).
How deluded was he to expect a celebration?! But of course he didn’t. It was just more screwing with me.
Escapefor1
I’m not surprised he called to remind you of your obligation. They do have that mindset that we ALWAYS “owe” them. yep. more screwing with you. And maybe even a type of warning because you are on his radar.