Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Ox Drover
Dear Donna,
A great example of the many little things we do for those we love.
Another thing about your husband’s request that struck me too, was WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO LOSE? A couple of hours of your time.?…it wasn’t like he had insisted you go to some “Bernie Maddoff Investment Seminar” and that you invest your life savings in it.
The RISK vs. BENEFIT, the COST vs POTENTIAL benefit, is another indicator, to me, of “normal” request vs the “conning” request. Sometimes, though, like you with James Montgomery, there APPREARS to be a potential or actual “benefit” when there actually is nothing but a con job.
A “normal” person who actually loves us, does not request that we engage in “risky” financial or otherwise unwilling or behavior distasteful to us.
A very good article Donna, thank you.
skylar
I don’t remember that my xP never actually asked anything of me. I think he just dropped hints about wishing he had something. Then he would look unhappy until it occurred to me that I could make him happy by purchasing it. LOL. He was very sneaky that way.
libelle
Dear Donna, thank you for this timely article. It is very important for me to have positive role models, that there is normal loving relationship possible and actually in progress!
What bothers me is the discerning when “healthy manipulation” on the “Tit for Tat”-rule ends and where “conning” starts. I have so many difficulties in discerning the two, and I may be recoiling from “normal” behaviour too, as I am allergic to EVERY kind of pushing me in some direction I have to do something I do not REALLY like. And what is MY part in the whole game, what kind of signals am I sending out so people think they can “handle” me this way?? Food for thought, anyway!
And thank you for keeping us all a decent, caring, loving, understanding, well behaved, wonderful bunch at LF’s! I am honored to be a part of it.
Sarasims
Donna – what a great reminder to those of us whom are still trying to understand it all. There is “healthy” and giving love….love that returns as much as it is given.
The SP only wanted sexual favors to his liking. Always pushing me to do things “his” way…..do things I wasn’t comfortable doing. It was never about me….although he tried to act as though it was. I can now see that from others posts here at LF. It was like watching himself on TV…..all to boost his outragously huge ego.
And now I’m STILL sorting through the fallout and he probably doesn’t spend a minute of his day that I cross his mind.
lostingrief
my mouth twisted up at the ‘no emotional connection to others.’ strangely, i still have the sense that he does have a deep emotional connections to others. why all the anger? why all the running around with 100 friends and 10 women at a time? i think he just stopped having an emotional connection toward me.
if it isn’t emotions (anger, lust, etc), what is it?
Twice Betrayed
That is something my x hub was generous with….money. Most of the time….I controlled the money. He was/is willing to fork over the money generously for whatever/whomever he deems ‘in need’. He never intended for me to ever leave….he always wanted the home safe where he could return from ‘conquering the world’ and everyone in it.
Twice Betrayed
lostingrief: in response to your question….they don’t feel emotions the way we do. They are very dependent on others for their sense of self. While we reach inside to bring out emotions and self worth they do not do that. They use people to be their emotions and self worth. That is why they ‘collect’ people….always have many waiting to ‘worship’ and give them what they want/need. They feed off people….think: no soul….and basically that is them.
Twice Betrayed
*that’s why when they lose their primary source of supply they flounder until they can attach and attach is the word…to another victim to be their primary ….and then they are up to their old tricks again….’back on stage….back in business’. People collecting……
lostingrief
sometimes i forget. thanks for the icky reminder!
skylar
Yeah, and don’t ever forget to worship. That makes a benevolent god into an angry and vengeful god. Sacrifices must be made, the more the better, the god’s appetite must be appeased. If you forget the ritual sacrifice, they will smite you and go get new worshippers. To whom much is given, much is expected. – Luke 12:48