Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Stargazer
SC, was that typo intentional: relationshits ?? LOLOLOL!!!! You guys are just cracking me up tonight!
skylar
yeah, Star, the boundary thing with my parents is good practice but it triggers me sometimes when I let the guard down. That’s my nature, to be open but I need to practice boundaries. At this point, this is my best option.
The only thing keeping the P-parents in line is the fear of my xP and also, they hope that I won’t reveal them to the extended family. The veneer is of utmost importance to them, since they have nothing else. I’ve expressed how perfectly I understand the narcissists personality disorder. My mother listens with rapt attention when I explain the disorder. They now understand that 25 years ago they bit off more than they can chew. They’re just trying to keep their lives from coming unraveled. Sick huh?
JAH,
my P never flirted. He seemed so faithful to me. He doesn’t drink either. He’s just your typical P: hate, envy, subtle manipulatons, poison, slander, and sabotage. Oh, and LIES.
He would come home smelling like sex. Who knows what he was doing.
Stargazer
Sky,
Here’s a question for you. Why do you feel you have to live with narcissists and psychopaths? Think before you answer.
skylar
SC, I hope your parents loved you. That is how it should be. but what do you think makes you feel like you can’t ask for anything from men you date?
I know that my parents lack of love drove me to date lots of pedophiles when I was 15/16. the guys were as old as 40. bizarre huh? When you are that young you don’t understand authority and you think it has to do with money or age, and you want to escape the crazy making life your parents have so you look for something that will resemble it but where maybe you can finally feel like you’re winning.
So my relationshit with my FWB is not that great. I mean it’s fun but we don’t communicate so much. just physical stuff and some movies. I don’t really get what he wants. He’s kind of distant. But it feels safe. We have lots in common (computers, movies, video, literature, cats) but he doesn’t really talk that much about himself. It’s like he’s hiding his real self. What’s that about?
Stargazer
I envy you, Sky. I cannot do a FWB. I get too emotionally attached and want more.
skylar
Star, it’s finances.
I’m broke and haven’t had a job since 1989. My P was poisoning me and I couldn’t work during that time. More than that, I’m still reeling from this new found realization about P’s so my brain doesn’t work so well concentrating. It’s always processing P-type data. So now it’s only at about 20% capacity.
Eventually I’ll have to get a job and hopefully the housing market will improve so I can sell the house.
I’m hoping God will step in and save my ass. He always has before.
Stargazer
You don’t have a single non-P friend you can stay with?
When I had a horrible breakup with my most selfish ex of 3 years, I had nowhere to go. I ended up sleeping on the floor of one of my massage clients. We ended up becoming good friends. 8 years later, she has moved to CA and we are still good friends.
I guess I’m wondering how you can heal from a sociopath and get yourself in a good place when you’re living with a bunch of bad people in a loveless household? I know there are some very caring people out there–even strangers. Heck, if I had a spare bedroom, you could stay here.
hens
Star you are a RIOT – I am sure who heard about the old women that went to the pharmacy trembling and suttering and shaking and asking the pharmacist where the off switch was on the vibrator she bought there the nite before?
Stargazer
Henry,
How did that story leak out about me and the vibrator? ha ha ha ha
P.S. It really wasn’t a vibrator. It was a massaging skillet. With multiple uses. LOL
skylar
Star, if there was a job opening in your city, I might move to your floor, oh wait, no, you have snakes. Thanks anyway 🙂
No, during my time with my xP I broke off with most of my friends and the only ones I still have left are terrible P’s. My FWB, is not close enough to ask for favors. Then there’s the 5 cats…
Henry, don’t laugh, it could happen to anyone! LOL!
OMG a massaging skillet! that’s a great idea, those would fly off the shelf! All the LF readers would want one.