Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Riiiiight star…..a massaging skillet…that’s how I’m going to refer to Mr. Stubby as from now on…lol…less conspicuous?? HAHAHAHA…
P.S. FWB is like my new favorite phrase!! Kudos to whoever thought it up!
Sorry, a friend called and she talked for an hour, and I mean SHE talked! haha.
Star, I wish I could take credit for “relationshit” but somebody else started it and I can’t remember now who it was! It’s priceless!
skylar, I never asked for anything because I always felt worthless and was always worried about rejection and abandonment. Could this be because my dad left when I was 13? I was teased mercilessly as a child in school, had glasses, was called ugly… I don’t know what it is. If someone showed interest in me I felt loved and hung on to that person like my life depended on it.
SC, I’m sorry that you were treated like that by other kids. I wish I could hug you right now. (hug) xx.
I felt ugly too because even as a child I noticed the fact that cute kids were loved and I noticed that I wasn’t.
These are the cards we were dealt, so we need to do the best we can with them. Use them to our advantage, learn from them and help others to learn from our pain too.
btw, whoever started relationshit, thanks. It’s perfect!
Sky,
Good timing. My snakes are getting to be the size where I need a second person in the room while I’m handling them “just in case”. You would be perfect! lol
I just took them out individually and let them drape around my shoulders while I was changing their water. I cannot believe how they are growing. One is 5′ and one is 6′. I’ve had them both since they were little tiny babies. They are still my babies, and they know me and trust me. My boy, Jesse wrapped his tail around my arm like a handcuff and rested his head on the bridge of me nose. It was so cute! I was so upset that the camera is out of batteries. Those are the kind of pictures we like to post on the reptile site. Everyone there thinks it’s adorable, while normal people thing it’s….EW Disgusting! My babies are growing up. 🙁
Thank you! 🙂 I decided about 2 years ago that I am pretty. I was the freak in 6th grade who had big boobs, that was when everyone wanted to look like Twiggy, who looked like a boy! I could have used these boobs for great fame and fortune! LOL!!! But I had no confidence.
SC, you are asking some very good questions, and if you keep asking them of yourself, you will uncover the answers, honey. I love the “why” question. It has helped me so much with processing emotions.
Now, about the “massaging” skillet….well it DOES have a handle…..***get mind out of gutter, get mind out of gutter*** ha ha ha
Funny, SC, I was the flat chested one in school. The boys called me “titless”. I used to stuff my bra in 6th grade and lived in fear someone would bump into me and they would go flying. It was quite a nightmare. The only good thing to our family moving so much was that at least I got a fresh start at the new schools and didn’t have to stuff my bra any more. I would have killed for big boobs. I would have killed for ANY boobs!
SC,
You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about large size cups, people PAY for those! But you were blessed!
Star, it might not be healthy to have a FWB but I think it has helped me quite a bit, just because it’s been soooooo long for me.
BTW, I asked this question before but how does your cat deal w/the snakes and vice versa? very curious.
me too about the boobs, star. I was always the youngest in my grade, it sucked at puberty.
Sky,
I see NOTHING wrong with an FWB (either kind :)). I am envious because I don’t have the emotional constitution to be able to do it. I wish I did because these young guys are very hot! I am feeling like if I can’t have it all, I don’t want any of it.
To answer your question, I keep the cats and snakes apart. Occasionally, I am holding a snake and lose track of it and find it crawling on the bed and touching noses with a cat. I have a mini heart attack and yank the snake away! The snakes don’t recognize the cats as prey but when they get bigger, who knows?