Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Just wanted to say that I had to come back to this post today. As I posted before, now being in a normal relationship with a non-P, I have to remind myself he is NOT a P and that he can make mistakes, including huge financial mistakes, but he is not a P. I know that, but I have to remember that some people have a right to be forgiven, do make honest mistakes, are human, etc.
this was an important blog for me, so thank you again.
Dear JAH,
I don’t thinkk anyone has a “right” to forgiveness, forgiveness, which ALSO includes restoration of TRUST is EARNED by a CHANGE in behavior.
The kind of “forgiveness” I extended too my Ps was for ME and it did NOT include restoration, but was getting the bitterness about their deliberate actions out of MY heart. For MY sake.
Yes, people do make MISTAKES but a mistake is NOT a self serving DECISION to harm another. A mistake is a bad decision that may have bad consequences, but it is not to deceive another, or to hurt another for your own gain.
I’ve made PLENTY of bad decisions, based on GOOD intentions or faulty logic, but none of these were deliberately made bad decisions. Yet, I had to FORGIVE MYSELf and that included learning to TRUST myself again.
Having been wounded DELIBERATELY by Ps, it is easy for us to fall into “blaming” others intentions as non-caring or deliberately bad because we have had this experience previously with the P. This is part of learning to trust OTHERS again and trust ourselves to not get hooked by another P. To distinguish normal mistakes from P’s deliberate abuse.
It is a process, and sometimes a difficult one. I use a “yard sttick” of HONESTY to distinguish the Ps from the normal people (who all make mistakes) and if a person is DISHONEST then I don’t need them in my life, P or not. I realize that may be a high standard, but it does keep me safe from the P’s dishonesty.
I think it is a good standard. I think good people can sometimes be dishonest when cornered or in the grip of an addiction, and of course children are given a pass as they learn about honesty….but a non-P will feel genuine remorse, want to apologize, make amends, feel badly, take steps to make sure it never will happen again, won’t ask you to then blindly trust them etc. If someone is already in my life with a VERY good track record, then I can cut them some slack, given true remorse and a resolve to change, and my understanding of what caused them to head south temporarily.
Dear JAH,
Yes, I agree with you on the LONG TRACK RECORD OF HONESTY, but last spring I dumped a “friend” with a long record (23 years) of friendship and a “give and take” when he suddenly started to get greedy, not over “big” things, but just sort of a little show of greed. Then the really got me when he went back on his word entirely (over a small thing worth about $50) without any prior notice. Then, when I challenged him about going back on his word, he said, “No, I didn’t renig on my word, I just CHANGED the agreement!” LOL
Then he became very angry and started to call me a liar and shout at me, and I cut him off, told him to leave my house and that was the END of our relationship. I realized that I HAD cut him some slack over several instances of MINOR greedy behavior, and no longer wanted to associate with him. He is NOT a P by any means, he is a normal human being, BUT, I don’t want ANYONE in my life who is not reliable and who would act so inapproiately and NOT apologize, but instead, “Make excuses” for his behaviior and to try to PLACE BLAME ON ME. Just don’t need that. Plus, I wasn’t in an intimate relationship with him, but I think I would have done the same even if we had been.
I realize that some “good” people may be baacked into a corner where they feel that in order to protect themselves they might lie, but I don’t “do lying” and those that are close to me KNOW THIS….so while it is possible that I might be able to restore trust with appropriate apology, acknowledgment of the lie etc. it is not a “given” that I would, it would depend on the circumstances, the track recdord and the closeness of the relationship and what the lie was covering up. or attempting to. Over all, though, lying to me means that YOU DON’T TRUST ME to know the “real” you. And if you don’t trust me, why should I trust you?
Plus, was the “problem” someting that they concealed from me because they knew it was WRONG to do or that I would object to it? Or was it an open thing that just happened to turn out badly? People behaving “secretly” about their behavior and acts disturb me a lot. I’m DONE with “lets keep secrets.”
Hi Ya’ll,
I got a call from my ‘mother’ tonight. No mention of the holidays….just called to say she sent a package……I said….Oh, it must be the 40K i need for the house! She said….Ha, ha…..
She went on to say…..I got a call from the S. She said she didn’t have her glasses on and answered the phone, he said Hi, it’s S. She said she immediately hung up. He called right back and left one of his famous….llooooonnnnngggg negative messages, I got to know oh so well!
She said S went on and on about how he has now lost all respect for them, he had thought higher of them…..but now he has NO respect left for them.
I asked her what she thought of that? She responded, Oh, I don’t want to be in the middle of it!
IN THE MIDDLE OF IT…..WTF….I’m your daughter!
She said she asked the S in May to not contact them again…..
Oh, I see…..hmmmmm……an S will not respect others requests, but when he doesn’t get HIS way (like having access to them, to con again) he gets all pissed off and LOSES RESPECT!!!
OOooohhhhh that hurts?
Does he really think he can bully people into talking to them…..YES….they do!!! It’s the M.O.
He had before….he was slick with the con, had them where he wanted them…..they were more than available to listen to all his lies, manipulations and cons…….and now they won’t give him the time of day!!!!
I know he thought he had them forever…….wherever he wanted them, whenever he wanted them……..
BUT…..he forgot…..ROBBING someone IS A VIOLATION…..and he NEVER thought they would suspect HIM!!!!!
That’s how good he thinks he is!
What I found suspect, is that WHY DID IT TAKE MY MOTHER A MONTH TO TELL ME?
WHY if the message was so disturbing to her, did she not call me and let me hear the message ……..if it would help me to keep him away….a possible violation of the stalking and harassment order????
This ‘move’ shows a control and power play by the parents.
Like….we’ll let her know….but only if she calls us. When it became clear I don’t call them…..she ‘mentioned’ it.
And it was mentioned in a way……of ……aren’t you proud of us…..we didn’t talk to him……we did what YOU requested…..
Baring, saving the message and letting me know sooner.
She also said….well…..he called from his cell phone, so we didn’t know where he was….
I said to mother…..did you find it odd how abusive he sounded, when you didn’t do as he wanted? Did it strike you that HE didn’t honor your request to not be contacted and now that you won’t speak to him…..HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU????
Did any of this hit you wrong????? She responded…. I never thought of it that way?!?!?! I erased the message because I didn’t want to hear his negative words on my VM.
HEEEELLLLLLOOOOOOO….D-E-N-I-A-L…….
My main concern is when he will be back to town and to keep us safe and remain aware…….he was here a few weeks ago and back in the island now…..He’s coming back again…..
He writes EVERY MONTH……on the Child support checks….notes on the memos……
Dec. check he wrote:
hi girls…….waves are great 16-18ft…..be back in town soon, see ya then…..
every month is a new message……
It just surprises me that when someone doesn’t want anything to do with them……an S……they will NOT go away….S’s always get a ‘note’ in somehow……
Normal folks…..when someone doesnt’ care for us….we just accept it and go away….I have NEVER tried to force myself on anyone…..if someone doesn’t want to be a part of my life…..move along….
I woke up this morning and noticed tracks in the snow….is a very peculiar place……they went from the street, around the boys side of the house and out back……..around and back up to the street……we got 2 feet of snow yesterday/last night and these tracks were made at some point during the night…..they were fresh and not ‘blobs’ in the snow…..they were human foot tracks not an animal……my eldest (the PI of the group) asked me this am, if I had seen them? Who was walking around the property during the night?
Anyways……this is the latests in my life!
Dear Erin, How about motion sensor lights around your house, wired to a siren so that if someone is there at night and the lights go on, the SIREN blares.
These are fairly cheap at Radio Shack AND are GREAT! No big deal to put up either, doesn’t take a rocket scientist or an electrical engineer to hook up either.
I got my home alarm system at radio shack years ago, and now they are so much better (mine still works) you can also add cameras that see in the dark or light for like 20 bucks each, and if you had one on each corner of your house along with a motion sensor to turn them on with motion, you would have him or who ever walked around your house NAILED and on FILM as well. You might also put a SIGN up in the yard (or several signs) that says “This property protected by Smith and Wesson Security” LOL
ps Erin,
On your “egg donor’s” behavior, if she had called you immediately on his nasty VM she would have been admitting that he was a “threat” to you after all and that YOU had been right about him being a “threat”—therefore, she would have been admitting that YOU were right before and she was WRONG—and you know that’s not going to happen. Her denial is to protect HER POOR JUDGMENT, even at your expense. Are you sure our “egg donors” are not sibs? LOL
Guys I could really use some support right now. Please pray for the situation that is going down right now. I believe I need to just let go and whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Please pray for me that I am able tomake the right decisions.
Dear Witsend,
You know you are always in my prayers! ((((hugs)))) and all my prayers!
Witsend:
I don’t know what is going on, but I am SURE you will make the right decisions for your situation.
You always do.
You are a strong, resourceful woman, and you will get through this, one way or another.
I said a prayer for you after reading your above post this morning….actually, I said one for ALL of us.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy & PEACE.
Witsend, I wish you and your son peace & love during this Christmas season, and throughout the coming year.
~Even though you may think that is impossible right now (and maybe it is), that is my Christmas wish for you, anyway.
Blessings to you.