Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Witsend:
I can’t tell you how many times I felt just like that — that I just had to let go and trust that no matter what happened I would be okay. Sometimes this gave me a feeling of inner peace.
I am not one known to pray because I often felt like my prayers went unanswered (especially as a child) but I think praying for someone else will work!!! And so I am praying for you . . . to find peace and comfort and guidance.
I used to scoff at people who were extremely religious until I experienced my brush with the devil — and then I knew that if that kind of evil existed then God and all the rest did too!
Namaste
Velveeta
witsend:
I was thinking about you today — I remembered that this week your son’s birthday is 17 December.
Obviously a lot of things will be happening simultaneously that are both decisions you have to make (will the kid get his one way ticket to LA) and things that will be imposed on you (his school being able to bounce him out once and for all since he has hit the age where compulsory school attendance is no longer an issue).
I wish I had some great bit of wisdom to toss you. All I can say is that this past year has taught me that ultimately you will figure out what is the right answer for YOU and that the answers ultimately come to YOU. At this point it is about you Your son and his decisions are all about him, as difficult as that is for you, as a parent, to accept Keep plodding forward, pal. End of the day, that’s all you can do
Matt,
I am not posting alot of the situation as he evidentally has found this site.
But I did call legal aide and the laws in my state suck basically and I really am obligated to the support/responsibility until 18 end of it but have no recourse to prevent him leaving? (at 17) I do NOT understand how the law can be so GREY for an entire year?
witsend:
That is a legal conumdrum if I ever heard of one.
If you are obligated to have him under your roof until you are 18 — I would disabuse him of the notion that he can sit around and watch TV all day while getting 3 hots and a cot. I wouldn’t provide anything except the absolute bare minimum. I wouldn’t keep food in the house — except the bare minimum for that day’s meals. No TV. No nothing. Basically, you are giving him the incentive to leave and in the process running the clock out so that he can’t come back once he hits 18. This is one of the situations where the law is on your side. Nothing says you have to support him in the lifestyle to which he is accustomed or to which he’d like to become accustomed.
Assuming he left sometime during the next year and you didn’t know where he was, seems to me that there would be no way for you to support him since you wouldn’t know where to send the checks.
Dear Wits,
Matt’s suggestion is one that I made to you (and actually threatened my kids with when they were teenagers and felt entitled)
The law says:
I must feed you. Oatmeal is food.
I must house you: Your room is your housing, a blanket and a pillow is your bed.
I must clothe you: two pair of Salvation army pants, socks, and shirts and 1 pair of shoes & one coat for cold weather, from the same source is clothing.
Anything ABOVE THE BARE MINIMUM REQUIRED BY LAW is GRAVY from the goodness of my heart because I love you. But if you will NOT cooperate with me, I will not be inclined to see that you get anything but the bare minimum.
TV is Not a right, computer is not a right, a pony is not a right, etc.
It says I must educate you, so I will send you to school.
Unfortunately, after he went to prison I was guilted into sending commissary money to my P son. Boy, was THAT ever a mistake.
If he leaves i would make no effort to find out where he is, just turn him in as a run away, when I was in florida I turned mine is as a run away and by doing so I was NOT held accountable for the repayment of damages of his crime since by turning him in I informed the authorities that I was NOT IN CONTROL OF HIM.
You are certainally NOT in control of your son. If he comes back and wants in your door, though, I imagine you might be legally entitled to let him in, but I would as both matt and I suggest give him ONLY THE BARE MINIMUM REQUIRED BY LAW in terms of food, clothing, shelter etc.
I would also turn him in to the social security as a run away, or the other option would be to take the money, keep it and then send it back when he is 18 and they would stop payments anyway. That might be simpler than trying to get it restarted if he did turn up, but I would NOT give him that money as HE is NOT entitled to it, YOU are for the purpose of paying for his housing, food, clothing and education. so if you save it for if and when he comes crawling back on his belly begging for a meal and place to lay his head, you will at least have that money, and I know it isn’t a lot either.
Witsend,
Although I don’t pray as much as I should, you and your son are often in my thoughts. You have so many people wishing you good will, I know things will turn out in your favor. Just remember to stay open minded because God plans for us in ways we can’t even imagine.
Witsend:
I, like Velveeta, have found myself at times needing to trust in God/Higher Power and know that no matter what happened I would be okay, especially when I had done all I possibly could in a given situation.
When it involves our children, it can be tough to know when to pull back since we are responsible for them, but I wish you well in finding the guidance, clarity and peace you seek.
Erin B,
I don’t know all the particulars of your situation, but I have a totally different take on the incident of the S with your parents. You are expecting them to have the same feelings/reaction that you have but they don’t. They are ignoring him, hanging up on him, and not focusing a lot of their emotions on him. Isn’t this a good thing? Or maybe I missed something. If this is their way of going NC, what is wrong with it? The way I see it, you cannot control other people’s reactions to the S. You can only control your own and then set limits with him. If your parents are allowing him into their lives (sounds like they aren’t) you can let them know that as long as he is in their lives, you have to limit your contact with them. Just from what I read in your post (without, of course, the entire story) it looks like your anger is coming from not being able to control what they do or feel. You may need to let go of that control and just work on keeping yourself safe from him without their help.
I understand that it betrays your trust for her not to tell you about the phone call. But maybe from her point of view, she knew you would be triggered if she told you.
I may be way off here, and if so, I apologize in advance.
Star:
Thanks for your response…..
I wrestle with this whole thing.
Is it me? Is it them?
The crux is…..during separation, the S targeted them to alienate me…..from them, kids and other/all family…..
He used mother to ‘declare’ me mentally ill, and I was faking being sick……(cancer, strokes etc…) He set them up and they willingly bought into it…..and when I confronted them…..(parents), they hung up on me and refused to speak with me…deferred me back to the S. (exactly where he wanted it).
The way I was treated one would think i was a wild child, drug laden, drunken neglectful,worthless human…….I have always been an example, lived an honest good life, thinking and caring about others……and conscious of doing the right thing…..I AM outspoken and the ‘black sheep’, and never did exactly what they wanted……they would have expected me to be a teacher, doctor, CPA….a professional….I made my own way in life…..created and developed a creative and viable business……but one they could never understand…..I work with wealthy people managing their lives……my parents have never hired anyone to do anything in their lives (contractors/housecleaners etc)…..so this was foreign to them and coulnd’t understand WHY people would hire ME to do anything. My business is not ‘mainstream’ as they understand……but it is in my town.
Parents bought right into the S’s stories and lies….portrayals and deceptions and allowed S to kidnap the kids (under Mental illness claim) and move out of state and they hid them from me and cut off all access.
At time of separation my therapist was alarmed when I asked his advice on how uncomfortable I felt with S calling my parents……he suggested I ask them to refrain or it would affect our relationship. I did….twice….they continued.
I put the request bluntly the last time…..I said….him or me…..
I didn’t understand why they felt the need to listen to his crap…..I tried to explain what he was doing and splitting me apart from any support……she was in denial….. she did say she would stop speaking to him….but didn’t.
Claimed all along she hadn’t spoken to him, but I had proof…..his cell phone was in my name and I saw the calls on the bill……hours of them…..calls placed to them and calls placed from parents to him. They continued to lie and say they were not speaking to him. To me AND the rest of the family….who were boggled by their actions.
They have never ‘validated’ what we have gone through or recognized how they were NOT there for me during my battle of cancer and the other serious health issues I went through.
I told them at one point, “let’s assume either situation was true….I have cancer OR I was mentally ill and ‘faking it'”
“WHERE WERE YOU?” Either situation was alarming and I needed help….whatever you chose to believe……so where were you????
You left me alone to go through my treatments, fly to houston cancer center for testing…. ALONE…..and participated in the kidnapping of my children. They caused an immense amount of damage by their participation to the kids…..they never sought therapy for kids, just remained in their chosen state of denial.
It never meant a thing to them when he kicked in my front door and broke our sons finger, never meant a thing when he portrayed me as mentally ill, alcoholic crazy woman……(who BTW, like one of the kids said….doesn’t mom have to drink to be an alcoholic?…..I’ve NEVER been a drinker…..maybe a glass of wine a month…..it’s just never been my MO…..BUT THEY DO…..they all projected their issues on ME!)
It never made an impact on them when 5 separate judges issued restraining orders AND extended them for 1 year for domestic violance and Stalking and harassment……it never made them think when he wasnt’ working for years and he was traveling to their town, surfing, bringing them lobster dinners, and schmoozing them….HOW/WHERE HE GOT THE MONEY……never meant a thing to them when he woulnd’t contribute to our community bills financially stating he didn;t have any money……as he’s renting cars and flying all over the US…..talking about his bahamas trips etc…..
They chose to keep the blinders on.
When the family was split up…..extended family….my mothers twin got on her shit for how they treated me, my cousins too….I was ALWAYS there for them……I would drive down to see them and surprise them for Birthdays etc….I was always available to cry on, there when they had surgeries/illness’s…….and in the end….I was available to be shit on!
I have thought about my expectations of thier loyalty, and this is what I still wrestle with…..I SHOULDN”T HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS…….But they are my parents…..and this is a hard pill to swallow…….
There is no ‘mama bear’ type of reaction from my parents…..protect our own at all costs……
I have this…..they do not.
It’s another issue I must deal with…….and I know their actions have spoken louder than any words to me……
I look at others actions and I see no remourse from them……she would be just as happy to pick up where she felt we left off and pretend nothing happened over the past 3 years…..and I WANT VALIDATIONS.
I realistically know I will never get this…..I never got it from them when my brother molested me for 3 years from age 9-11. To this day……it is as if it never happened.
My mother keeps a file on the kids….us……I found my file….and it was all from my teenage years, all the negative notes I wrote to her at 13……her notes of her feelings raising me…..I call it the “I HATE EB FILE”…..
I found it 2 years ago when my brother and i went into the house to hijack email addresses to plan their surprise 50 anniversary party…..(GOD FORBID I PLANNED THIS IN THE CRUX OF HATING THEM, oh I went along and played the ‘loving’ daughter) My brother and I looked through the files and he laughed…..he said, damn she kept everything on you…..none of the loving notes I sent her, nothing positive….just all the shit in one place for her to keep a memory bank on……AND YOU KNOW WHAT……I wasn’t that bad a kid…..I had 3-6 months of cocain use at 18 years old……(got it from the S) and this was a hard period…..and like my aunt says…..they never forgave me for embarrasing them…..I was never arrested, always held a job, always supported myself, never stole anything (outside of the snickers bar at 7) graduated from HS with HONORS, was the star athlete…..played soccer in college……but my life in their eyes…..boils down to 3-6 months as a kid.
I know, because I have been told…..they have never forgiven me for this.
I believe this is why they do what they do…..it’s ‘payback’ for me causing them embarrasment to their friends…….I also never kept the molestation quiet…….If someone asked me…..I told them…….and of course the next question was, how does your parents respond to this? I said, denial…..
So it’s my payback!
HOLY SHIT>>>>>>18 years old?
I do believe their participation with the S was a manipulation to control me…..family called me saying mother had contacted everyone in family requesting no one have contact with me……becasue if I had no one to go to….I would go to them! Some family complied…..some family stated NO….they coulndnt do that……
This was, to me, the ultimate show of control……and very S behavior……
I do believe I get angry because I feel betrayal from them …..I am also angry that I even expect this from them…..
I can’t control them…..or anyone…..others that have recognized our destruction have come to our aid……whatever info they can share……to keep us safe…..BUT NOT THE PARENTS.
I don’t believe they view not sharing things with me as protecting me…..from triggers or whatever…..
I also believe my father called him back after the message….because he always has to have the last word….be the patriarc and put others in their place……be the one that should be feared….(even though he’s a wimp) tell him off…..be in control. These are the things that they leave out……
I see it as continued manipulations……like they will go so far….to keep me talking to mother periodically…..as she is sufficed with my generic answers to her questions etc…..Our conversations are her asking, me saying yes/no. No elaborations……and she is happy with that….because I feel it suffices her guilt.
I don’t send birthday, x-mas or do anything anymore, I spent the rest of my life doing…..to make sure they were recognized and put on the parent pedastal……be the role model daughter….
I don’t believe they do anything to ‘protect’ me……I think its about control, they hadn’t spoken with me since Oct…….and this was a good excuse to call. She needs excuses to call, since I don’t contact them……
I don’t know…..I should really treat them like the S and go back to NC altogether…..
I’m still trying to figure this out….I have a lot to address and confront with the parental side of my life…..the realitys etc….
I know it will be another tough road, very similar to what I am going through with the S……but necessary….I am just not ready to hit that hard yet….but it’s inevetible……
I know the rest of the family is placated when she says we spoke……….
I appreciate your response……don’t appologize…..all input is welcomed!!!
Thanks!
EB
Witsend – I can’t give you any advice but Remember! my Big Bear Hugs are the BEST and you just got one.