Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
That was my mistake, I stopped worshipping and I was cast out of fantasy land into the torment of hell. Now all I have is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
ExN was very sneaky in this regard…he was very good at rolling out some of the things he knew I liked. Flowers, or making elaborate dinner for me now and again, and he rained me with jewelry and clothes and shoes (was very proud of his ability to buy me good designer shoes). But when it came to the big things…like fidelity, or truth…couldn’t get those things to stick in his memory as things that might be important to me. I remember early on we had an “open” relationship (read: we fully accommodated his sex addiction) and one of my few requests was that he not wear my favorite cologne if he was going out with anyone but me. Seems easy eh? Within a week or so off he went, wearing it.
How sad that I was reduced to that…you can go do what you want with these women just don’t wear the cologne I like? I’ll settle for that little? Yeesh.
But his being fairly consistent about the other niceties kept me off balance for sure…gee, he didn’t do this…but he *must* be decent because he did do these other things right?
Thanks for a great article, I’ve found myself wondering about this lately as I navigate the world of normal.
I remember just before I divorced my first husband (who was not an S or N I don’t think…) one of the last images I remember was of him out on a lake with our kids – our son was 10 or 11 and really loved to fish. I would go fishing with him but his dad would say – Why should I do something I don’t really like to do – I don’t like to fish. And I’d say ‘you do it because your SON LOVES TO FISH and it would mean alot to him. ‘ When we were out on that lake even our daughter who was only 7 said to her dad – Dad! You’d probably catch more fish if you had a better attitude! And I remember thinking ‘ Boy, if this guy was a date, I’d never go out with him again!’
He is actually a good man even if he is a remote personality. Trouble was, I think I punished myself for finally getting up the nerve to divorce him and then found someone who was more ‘passionate’ but definitely more abusive.
This last man in my life has alot of anger – I can tell he really needed more love from his mother, and his father was an alcoholic and gone by the time he was born – same way with my second husband. Perhaps they really do shut down their ‘connecting’ capacity of loving as a coping mechanism to not get hurt themselves, even children show this early on. Then they act out with people, maybe as a form of revenge – maybe because as we all know, they can’t stand indifference, they need attention – even if it’s negative.
And alot of us have had neglect from our fathers early on so we want that love and attention so much more, and we’ve not been allowed to have a male father figure (reverse this for males here)) who would give us safe and loving care and approval as we grew – and the kind of love that gradually helps us build esteem without the confusion of sexual trespassing against us thrown into the picture.
Mainly, I wanted to mention the anger I’ve seen in these people we’ve all struggled with loving. Sometimes I think they’re snakes, other times strange turtles – they can snap and bite you but they retract, retract as soon as you try to really engage with them. And then I think we learn to over-retract ourselves just for our own protection.
Still makes you too crazy, too broke trying to undo whatever damage has made them who they are, we have to get ourselves out in the sun again. Thanks for reminder, Donna that we can find ‘normal’ love if we’re open to it.
Did anyone see piece on Drew Barrymore last night on 60 Minutes? She had such dysfunctional, self-absorbed parents from time she was a little kid – they were a terrible influence and she had no supervision. She started to drink, smoke, do drugs herself between 9-12 that finally around age of 15 or 16, she decided to go to court to ‘divorce’ her parents – and won her independence! She said she knew she needed to find her own family who would really support and sustain her, otherwise she was going to derail. And she did still flounder in finding her own balance and ‘normalcy’ but I admire her for really using her creative gifts and approaching her life with such optimism and confidence.
So maybe there is no set theory – it’s our own choice to make what we want out of what we’re handed, or discard it and go after something else.
Donna I am curious – has James Montgomery ever taken legal action against you? is he aware of your website and what has he said if anything about it? I love the fact that you exposed him and dont hesitate too use his name. Is he any kind of threat too you?
persephone,
YES! To every thing you said. And YES! I did see Drew Barrymore last night and was soooo struck by her narcissitic family and her ability to survive it. Amazing that a 15 year old girl who was raised by such a couple of selfish assholes could find her way clear of that. She survived and thrived. It’s just phenomenal. She worked at a coffee shop to get emancipated from her parents because hollywood deemed her too fat to get work. Unreal.
Getting back to the subject of normal behavior in relationships, There are two normals – the sociopath’s normal and “normal” normal.
For sociopaths, grooming adult (and sometimes) child victims is normal. For sociopaths, “relationships” are about power and control, not companionship. For sociopaths, there is always a hiding of the true self so that a non-predator’s risk analysis is skewed. Normal behavior plays right into the sociopath’s grooming, and doing the right thing in many cases turns out to be wrong (and in some cases DEAD wrong) with sociopaths.
Another reason why when red flags go up, they should be heeded!
Henry,
James Montgomery has never taken any action against me – even when I exposed him as a military fraud, made him lose his job, and forced him into bankruptcy. Oh, he huffed and puffed to others – insisting to his wife at the time that Lovefraud was all lies and would come down. That was in 2005. But he didn’t do anything. I think it has something to do with the judgment I have against him, which, with interest, is probably over $2 million by now.
Dear Donna,
When you collect, I know that you will keep your “promise” to take us all on an ocean cruse FIRST CLASS! ROTFLMAO I’m holding my breath til you collect! (choke, gasp!) LOL
You know…I don’t mind to be a friend, family encourager, helper etc….but, these p’s suck you dry. I realize that’s what has so depleted me regarding my adult kids too….no matter what you do it’s never enough. I want to be supportive and proud of my successful adult children especially when we have holidays, get togethers…..but, it always turns into a contest of who is the best one etc and I wind up getting sucked dry emotionally and then sick for weeks. They are all so competitive of one another and full of advice that I don’t get any fun time or any personality of my own. You know, I am a nationally published writer, yet my kids have never read one single thing I’ve written. One of my articles made front cover and they would not even look at the magazine cover….my son tossed it on the counter w/o even acknowledging it…my older daughter said….”well, mom, at last you have done something” and my younger one totally ignored the whole thing. And they wonder why I just go nc. [They all say I am just depressed, withdrawn and am a introverted hermit.] Lawd, who needs that kind of ‘relationship’?????