Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
BoPeep, Keep that email. If he does that, you might be able to use it in court or show it to the media.
But he isn’t going to do that. He is just gaslighting you. He’s trying to keep you living in fear because what they love most is the emotion of despair. They suck on it.
Bopeep, that is verbal intimidation and threats….you need a restraining order. They always use this type of fear…but to keep him from possibly trying to do this type of harrassment…I would get a restraining order against him.
Donna
Unfortunately, I believe this dupe is on the rise, and “normal”
I cannot trust a man at present and move through my day like a fugitive. I am looking at my mother and asking myself ” is she the psychopath who set this up ?? I’m very puzzled about it all.
You were very loyal (if you had been lucky to really meet someone capable of appreciating you) You were trusting, loving, hugely invested in the love of your life, the future together….and that’s what leaves me stumped.
The myths they told us endlessly how we would meet our “love” and we would get married and have children and live happily ever after….terrible bullshit as it happens.
I kind of “don’t care anymore” I had given up on men before I met the psychopath, I put extraordinary effort into suspending my suspicions…but when he asked me to marry him I said No…but I helped him financially, emotionally, sexually and spiritually….but I could not marry him…why? I didnt trust him fully. I held back. So do you think I will ever let go again?
He has fleeced me, skipped off into the sunset with my money with another woman….and I am sitting here, stunned….just about to give up or surrender or something…..I just feel old, ugly, bitter and finished…..until another day
Donna,
Thank you for this post. It is important to remember that a woman can be engaging in what would be healthy ways normally, and get terribly hurt. The natural tendency for me, at least, was to say what did I do wrong. And in asking that, I came up with some legitimate answers, but I also realized that MOSTLY I did the kind of things that a person does in a loving relationship. My error was in believing I was interacting with someone who loved me, was “chit together”, caring, loving, empathetic…..and wanting so much for the “dream” to be true that I kept ignoring signs that it was not true. And then the hurt from that went extra deep, because it touched hurts from childhood. In other words, I took his knife he stuck in me and then stabbed myself over and over. But bottom line, with a normal person, my behavior would not have gotten me into the emotional pain that it did with a P, there would have been no knife.
Thank you for confirming that with a great example.
Recently I was challenged in my marriage with my husband exhibiting some very P like behaviors in trying to deny a drinking episode. I immediately went to the therapist who said a) my husband has a 50 year history of being an alcoholic, not a P b) he did apologize and express true remorse and backed it up with already meeting with a therapist to work on why he fell off the wagon, and is coming up with her help some new actions to take c) he expressed in writing how what he did went beyond lying into gaslighting and how wrong that was d) his behavior triggered in me all my “P” reactions… and I totally panicked.
A good person can have a bad day. My husband had a bad day. That is not being a P, my therapist had to remind me.
Donna,
Thank-you for this validating post.
I also have the experience of being in a loving 13-year relationship.
This relationship ended less than 5 years ago. And even though it ended, it was not a failure and never were my loving behaviors abused, or used against me. I accomodated to many of my partners needs, as he did mine. We treated each other with respect, caring, kindness, honesty, and still came to understand we would be better going our separate ways.
While we were deciding to separate we did not cheat, lie, hold back, go into silence, or degrade each other. It took us over a year to make this difficult choice. We argued and worked hard to find solutions. But we never disrespected one another. In the end, we let go….with love.
When we parted each of us felt heard and seen. I knew what he wasn’t proud of, what he felt great about, and how much he cared for me. He knew the same. We still sometimes talk about new things we understand about relationships; our connection continues to enrich our understanding of ourselves.
We are still friends.
Though I too (as JAH writes) examined my own beliefs, conditionings, and behaviors, in an effort to increase my self-awareness and contribution to my own suffering, understanding the part the p/n played has been essential in my moving on. Because I generally accept my own contributions to any situation fairly easily, it felt to me that the lack of honest sharing became MOST clear when I was left to figure out why it went the way it did, without any honest input from the p/n.
We are left HAVING to figure it out on our own, because the disordered person will not examine their own behavior and share it with us. They don’t open themselves up and allow themselves to be ‘vulnerable in love’. So we are left holding ‘our part’, and wondering WTF their part is. Or worse, believing their projections and that we are unlovable people.
It was so much easier with a sweet and honest person. No obsessing, wondering, excruciating self-doubt, humiliation. There was alot of grief, for sure. But I KNEW what I was grieving, and I wasn’t ashamed. It felt like a totally different process.
Of course this doesn’t speak to the fact that I have been involved in short term relationshits with quite a few of these disordered people. BUT, now that I KNOW what they are, it is a different world. I am different. I can honestly say I do not believe it will ever happen again.
This is a great post to remind me that I will hold on to my loving heart, and my ability to respond to the needs of others. And I will listen to the responses of my body, and ‘quiet’ internal voice that tell me when it is time to shield myself and move away.
Thank-you Donna, for this wonderful healing place.
Slim
Thankyou for this post – so much of what I read here is succinctly said and explains what I struggled to find words to express for years in the horrible marriage that lasted a decade.
Many thanks for all your comments as well. I read down them all and many resonate with me but obviously I cannot respond to all 35!
Their behaviour is abnormal definitely but it takes some time to see it. And then you get the excuses. And then some lies. And then it gets blamed on ‘male priviledge’ and societal conditioning. The truth is, I gave far more than I ever got. Not that I gave to get, but he bled me dry and then still kept sucking and screamed ‘Is that all you got?’
He just couldn’t behave as I did because he didn’t care. When I loved him, I was always thinking about ways to make him happy. He, too would be passive aggressive in articulating what he wanted so he would drop hints and I would race out and run up my credit to get it for him – anything to make him smile. Anything that might make him love me a little more. How pathetic of me to try to buy his love and attention in this way. He never paid me back.
He would occasionally bring me a gift out of left field – not something I wanted. Like one day he came home with vouchers for a very expensive makeup company. I was really angry about it because I was even buying my makeup on sale and the amount he gave me although it would have bought a lot of a regular brand, could not buy much with this brand. It was a waste as far as I was concerned and he was just impressed withe the label. Of course when you wear makeup though nobody can see a label! He also wasted money on flowers while I struggled to pay the power bills – that really used to make me angry. I think he blamed me as the reason he couldn’t save to go see his parents for a decade – lies of course. He never planned his spending and wasted hundreds of dollars on soft drinks 🙂
I had to buy everything for the house with my money alone … towels and bedding, furniture, appliances and kitchen items. He considered that beyond one towel and one set of bedding these things were a waste of money – he never said it = I just knew that was his attitude. He never bought a teaspoon, a pot or a fry pan despite the fact he often wore out kitchen items and they tend to wear out eventually anyway. Towels don’t come with a lifetime guarantee. So because I was buying EVERYTHING I learned to buy things on sale quite quickly – the net effect of that is that nothing in my house matches. I have everything I NEED but it isn’t what I wanted – it is what I could manage at the time. He had no respect for anything I bought and frequently broke or damaged things – including stereos and other electrical equipment. He would swear it just happened while he happened to be using it, but it was a bit coincidental. I also saw a pattern of sabotage when he was asked to do something in the house – for example breaking window panes when asked to scrape the flaking paint or breaking plates when asked to dry the dishes.
I bought him so many things – lots and lots of technology – cables and cords and storage solutions, a laptop, a video camera (both not looked after and discarded in broken states when he ‘upgraded’ and bought much more expensive equipment for himself on interest bearing credit) Coincidentally that credit was the reason he couldn’t contribute to the household when he crawled back the second time. I had to pay all the bills, all the pets needs, all the insurances, all the utilities. he just paid half the mortgage and brought home the occasional bottle of milk – pretty sweet deal!
I also bought all his clothes throughout the entire marriage and relationship. This was particularly manipulative. He would never buy his own clothes and would say ‘I don’t need anything.’ He would then wear un ironed and sometimes unwashed clothing that was going into holes … to go to work and professional functions. He did buy a couple of suits but never bothered to get them dry cleaned and left them on the floor after wearing for the cats to sleep on. When I bought clothes he would tell me off saying I shouldn’t spend my money that way but would then wear them all the time. No enthusiasm though – no big thanks for getting them – even if his friends complimented him on what he was wearing – he would tell me about it almost as though he disagreed with them – weird. The clothing was quite a lot – all shoes, socks and underwear, all casual and dress clothing, all hair gel, deodorant and special shampoo. I knew I was responsible for these things as well as everything else so I tended to shop very carefully – I would pick up a few items here and there when I saw a sale. Sometimes that meant a few items a week for him. I am done with it now. The last shop was a wardrobe for him to go overseas and see his ‘sick’ mother. I haven’t had a holiday in ten yrs of working like a slave thanks to him. I should have just let him dress like a bum – I see that now, but I couldn’t cope with anymore shame and humiliation at the time. It was bad enough he was behaving like a f***wit at home without him broadcasting the fact to the entire world. I had a professional role in a small city and didn’t want my reputation besmirched by association to him dressing like a bum. For that reason I often laundered and ironed his clothes too. Lazy so and so.
I think what really brought home to me that he didn’t care at all though was his response to my grief about the baby. He had no response at all. He didn’t try to comfort me, hold me, listen to me – nothing. If someone I love is upset about something, I am liable to independently go google about it to get some learning so I can better help them. He never did this. He didn’t even read what I had printed out. What an idiot I was.
Skylar – you said this and it made my heart thump when I read it:
” He’s trying to keep you living in fear because what they love most is the emotion of despair. ”
YES YES YES!! That is the word – despair means no hope of a better day. Despair is exactly the state I was in for so many years – couldn’t do a thing to change the situation. All while he manipulated every element of my reality then denied any awareness of the pain I was suffering. Despair is what drove me to contemplate taking my own life. There was no hope of a better day because he had me convinced I needed him for my very oxygen and there was no way I could change him even slightly … so despair is the perfect word indicating stalemate and giving up fighting the control.
Here is a definition of despair:
A state in which all hope is lost or absent
Abandon hope; give up hope; lose heart
Thankyou to everyone who shares the horror of their own experience that others may recognise their stories within it.
This is SO true:
skylar says:
Yeah, and don’t ever forget to worship. That makes a benevolent god into an angry and vengeful god. Sacrifices must be made, the more the better, the god’s appetite must be appeased. If you forget the ritual sacrifice, they will smite you and go get new worshippers. To whom much is given, much is expected. – Luke 12:48
WOW this is exactly what happened to me! I gave and gave and worshipped for so many years that I have become physically ill. When I got sick and could not ‘worship’ to his high standards anymore, he found new worshippers and I was ‘devalued and discarded’. Just exactly like a piece of garbage.
me too, there was nothing left to sacrifice on his alter. LOL.
Well, that’s when the mask came off.
He had taken all the money, he was poisoning me so my health had been failing for 20 years, his lies embarrassed me so I could no longer socialize with his friends. I stopped trying. That’s when it all fell apart. A normal person would have said, “honey, what’s wrong, you are obviously depressed and I want to help”. But a P says, “you can’t depend on me to make you happy, that’s not my job, that’s your job. BTW, unconditional love for me is also your job. and don’t forget to give me money and change my DIAPER.”
It is a crazy experience reading what people write here — it constantly has me jumping up and down shouting inside ‘Yes! That happened to me too!’
I second about the poisoning so health failed, him spending all the money, being embarrassed by lies and unable to socialise with his friends and others. I also went through a period of not trying and HE LEFT ME THERE. He didn’t care. I realised over that darkest period he had no regard for me and I needed to pull myself up. He liked it. It suited his agenda to have me in that suicidal state and unable to fight it and unable to explain it to anyone outside. It was like the ultimate checkmate. He had me cornered – here I was suffering so … and for what? He hadn;t done anything bad – there wasn’t any disaster or betrayal – in fact there was no string of events or ambient abuse to cause these symptoms. So I must have been depressed all along. . .
And wasn’t he a good husband to stay with me and ‘look after’ me?
No wonder I couldn’t bear to socialise or even bang into his friends or people we knew together. I could take an educated guess at the lies he had told them. because he told me some absolute whoppers. WHat a mindgame. How could anyone not go mad in such a contrived and boxed false reality with no objective observer to support a view it was terribly toxic. I am just stunned at the design of the personality disorder. What an incredible advantage it gives someone in communication and any social relationships.
We must have been married to identical twins Skylar. When my husband left, he said “i am not responsible for you, you are reponsible for your own happiness and self, you can’t depend on me anymore”. I am left here with severe health problems. Compounding the fact that I am in the initial stages of NC, I am sick with bursitis, I cannot even bear weight on my leg to walk. All of these health problems are a result of immunosuppression, I know that. I have all the signs. But not only am I trying to deal with him being gone, which was my choice, but is hard after 30 yrs, I am jobless because of my health. I am an RN and have worked my entire life, I WANT to work, but I am constantly sick. I have had the Swine flu for the last week and this knee thing and it is always something. It is scary because I am too young and have too much ahead of me to have all of these health problems. Has anyone else had this to deal with? I wish I could get healthy so I could get started with my life. I am just drowning in ….crap! Thanks for listening.