Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Ann,
When I left him, he called me begging me to come back, “I cleaned the house for you” he said.
2 days later I went back to check on the house and it wasn’t clean. Only the refrigerator had been emptied of food. I couldn’t figure out why. But within a week most of my aches and pains were gone. Now 5 months later, I’m still getting better. My hands had been swollen for 4 years. Chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia for 20plus years. I feel relatively normal for the first time. I know for a fact that he was poisoning me, I just don’t know with what.
I don’t know how long your xP has been gone, but I would recommend that you get rid of any food that could have been poisoned. Anything that was opened when he was there, any food that he refused to eat (mine ate at fast food restaurants, never at home) you should throw out.
Skylar
I never thought of that! He has been gone for 2 months, and I do have all new food. But I have this bursitis in my knee, and I have had it for a month, and it is getting worse. I keep going to doctors, specialists, and they give me MORE anti-iinflammatiories and say “it takes time”. But I STILL cannot put weight on my leg, and I figured when he left, I would start mending. I haven’t, only gotten worse. One of the main reasons I finally stopped this nonsense was so my health would improve. I am not sure what to think.
Ann, what’s your favorite food and what do you eat most?
Sky
I drink lots of water, from a filtered water pitcher, eat lots of peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat, mozerella cheese sticks, cream of wheat, frozen dinners, like lean ccuisine. Most of the stuff is individually packaged. That is all i can think of. My peanut butter and jelly are new, in new jars. My cream of wheat I hve purchased since he left. Everything has been purchased since he left.
Ann, you might have a wheat allergy/intolerance.
If you’re bursitis doesn’t get better, you might want to try eliminating gluten/grains from your diet. As well as cheese.
It doesn’t sound like he could be poisoning you from the items you mentioned.
That could make my joint all inflamed? UGH what will I eat????? Was your man poisoning you??? With WHAT? That is awful.
Ann, there are lots of reasons why I’m sure he was poisoning me. But I don’t know with what.
There are other reasons why I’m sure, but I don’t want to post about them.
Wheat can cause problems with the immune system. As Anewlily and various other people can tell you, once you are under stress, you body can start reacting to all kinds of things. You wouldn’t have to go without wheat forever, just for 2-3 weeks to see if you feel better.
My internist told me that they can induce arthritis in healthy college students through letting them sleep less than they need to sleep. So if you are not sleeping well, that alone can do it.
Anne, just a thought here. you mentioned that you had had swine flu, { I wonder, are you now over it?} and now have terrible Bursitis. Years ago, my husband,[my nice 2nd husband not my old alcoholic crap one!}had severe flu. This was followed by terrible bursitis on his knee. It was so bad, I eventually called an ambulance, and took him to hospital as he couldnt walk, and was in agony. The doctors had no clue as to what was causing it. Having done half of a 3 year Nursing course some years before,{after 28 years as a High school teacher,} I had a brainwave.I said to the young intern,
“Is it possible that some of the flu germs could have found their way into the synovial fluid in his knee, causing it to swell,?” By this time his knee had swollen almost as big as his head! The intern drew fluid off his knee, and sent it to the lab to be analysed. Sure enough, their were millions of flu germs in the fluid. He was immediately put on high doses of intravenous antibiotics, and the knee stared to go down. the intern said to me,”Your diagnosis was spot on! Are you a doctor?’ he was most impressed. The important thing was, once diagnosed, the treatment worked quickly. is it possible you have the same thing? Maybe your flu bugs migrated to the fluid in your knee? Its worth getting it checked out. Ask if they will draw fluid off your inflamed knee and send it to the lab for analysis. Ive found you sometimes have to be quite pushy with so called specialists, dont assume they know everything.Good Luck, I hope this is the problem, and you can get it treated! Love, Gem.XX
By the way, when my nice husband,{who had been so good and kind to my ungrateful P daughters} was in Hospital, I phoned them up to ask them if thy would go visit him in Hospital. One said she didnt have time, and the younger one,said.”Why do you assume that I would want to visit David? he has nothing to do with me! Hes not my father! Forget it, I wont be going!” that was in 1985, and shes worse now.totally selfish, hard, bossy,not a nice person. gem.XX