Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
ann1961
Sky and Gem, thanks for the info. I have had lots of symptoms of immunosuppression, so I figure that is involved in this bursitis that will not go away. I have had sores in my mouth, low grade fever, etc, which tell me I am immunosuppressed, it is worth a try to get off wheat for awhile, cant hurt anything.
The flu bug being in the joint is quite interesting. When I went to the doctor on Monday, I asked him “Why don’t you just take some of that fluid off and have the lab analyze it”. Because there is obviously quite a bit of fluid on the knee. Instead, he sent me to the lab for blood work. It doesn’t make sense to me, when there is obvious swelling AT the site of the pain, why don’t they just analyze it? To me, that would be the most practical thing to do. In the end, I bet they have to do it anyway, because nothing is helping this bursitis, not the NSAID, not the leg elevation and rest, not the ice and heat combo, nothing. Not one bit better. I am going to have to call my doctor on Monday and just say it: Take some of the fluid and analyze it. I am going to have to get pushy, because they keep blowing me off, and I cannot sit another week like this, unable to walk, and I am going nuts this way.
Thanks Sky and Geminigirl, SO much! Thanks for caring enough to give me your suggestions, which are good ones! I have a brother who is a physician and I have emailed him a number of times about it, but he doesn’t want to be bothered with it. (My brothers fit many of these S and P traits, by the way, and they are BOTH doctors) maybe that is why when I met and married my husband, he felt so ‘natural”, just like one of my brothers. They are ALL selfish and narcissistic, I know that for sure.
Thanks again!
geminigirl
Good for you Anne, Way to go! Sometimes we have to take charge and get pushy. I bet they find bugs in that synovial fluid. Anyway, it cant hurt to get it analysed.More power to you, girl! Love and {{HUGS!!}}} xx gem.
pollyannanomore
Skylar and Ann – I was diagnosed with fibro six yrs ago. I researched a lot and was pushing to try low dose antibiotic treatment – sometimes fibro is caused by systemic infection with mycoplasma or viruses or bacteria. I went to a rheumy but he got me tested for Vit D deficiency and it turns out I had a very serious deficiency – being treated with calcium and vit d now. It can mimic the pains of fibro as the pain is bodywide. Both these avenues can be tested for. I have quite a few resources for the antibiotic treatment and tests for it if anyone wants to look into it.
ann1961
I would like to know more about the antibiotic treatment and tests Pollyanna
ErinBrock
Has anyone seen this?
I will post the answer in another posting.
PSYCHOPATH TEST
Read this question, come up with an answer This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. Few people answer correctly.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know or recognize.
She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much so, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him again after the funeral.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
struggling
I’ve seen it, Erin!
I’m not sure I remember the correct answer, I think I do.
I haven’t caught up on all the posts but my boys are after me to get going and I just wanted to say that I hope everyone is doing well today!
blueskies
Erin- what was the answer?:)x
witsend
Erin,
To have another funeral?
ErinBrock
Sorry guys, I searched and searched for this thread and it disappeared! 🙂
YES…..Witsend…..to have another funeral!!!!
YIKES!
witsend
God it scares me that I understood this.