Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
ErinBrock
According to the ‘test’……
It should scare you!!!!
🙂
🙂
I thought this was fascinating…..
witsend
I came up with that answer by first trying to look at it from a logical perspective.
THEN tried to look at it from a distorted perspective.
I mean who in their right minds would even be capable of even “seeing” a man, let alone falling for a man, at their mothers funeral…..
This was my very first thought. Only a P.
ErinBrock
Of course…..
I immediatey got caught up in the ‘romance’ fantasy and confusion of it….
Dang EB!!!
This might mean i’m ripe pickens……
I’ll stick around….always more learning to do!
Sarasims
I miss the sound of his voice today. I can’t remember it. And it makes me feel like I can’t breath. It’s been only “almost” 2 months with NC and it feels like a lifetime. I’m trying so hard but it makes me so sad. He hasn’t tried to contact me. He doesn’t even care if I’m alive or dead. Why today? Why now? I keep thinking about different scenarios and experiences we shared but his voice is fading away. And I don’t want it to. Why couldn’t the things he said to me have been true?
I’m reading Twilight and I feel just like Bella. She truly loves Edward but he’s not human – he’s a monster in a runway model’s body. She cares so deeply for him that it hurts. She’s patient and wants only to help him. She follows his commands and does exactly what he says bc she WANTS to please him. But even Edward (as a monster) treats Bella with more respect than the SP gave me.
Can anyone relate or am I just crazy today?
Ox Drover
Okay guys,
I’m going to put my medical hat on here.
antibiotics are NOT EFFECTIVE against viruses or fungi, ONLY against SOME bacteria.
Stress DOES depress our immune systems (I got 4–count them 4—life threatening bacterial infections after the stress of my husband’s plane crash and death) and the stress of the Ps all at the same time.
Stress does some funky things to us, and one is SLEEP DEPRIVATION and then, of course sleep deprivation does some other funky things to us, like depressing the immune system and healing, and RING AROUND THE ROSEY…..
So, bottom line:
1) decrease stress in any way possible, and that includes as many “changes” as you can prevent, like chaning jobs if you don’t have to, or moving house if you dont’ have to, cause change = stress and you already have enough stress.
2) be good to your self—in every way possible. REST, EAT RIGHT, etc. you all KNOW THE DRILL I don’t have to tell you what a “healthy life style” is
3) DECREASE CAFFINE—or eliminate it. Caffine is a DRUG and decreasing this will help you sleep better. Sleeping better will make you feel better in the morning and increase your energy
4) Be good to yourself EMOTIONALLY —distance yourself from ANY person who causes increased stress or anger, or problems IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.
5) Put YOURSELF first—that is before your kids, your parents, your friends, ANYONE—if you are not OK you can’t take care of even your kids, so SELF FIRST.
6) pick up some literature on meditation or relaxation techniques, simple ones and PRACTICE THIS DAILY.
7) leave the dishes in the sink if you are tired, or leave the floor unswept and take a rest—the world will not come to an end, so eliminate anything in your life that is NOT ESSENTIAL to health or well being NOW…it will be there later.
If you have a spiritual belief, turn toward that, and embrace it.
The bottom line is TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for your peace and healing!
super chic
sarasims, oh yes, I can relate, I cry because I wanted the relationship to be real and for the things he said to be true, and it’s been about 4 months NC for me. I also get upset at myself for ignoring red flags. Becareful sara, when you least expect it he might call, mine did, I know he wanted to borrow money. I DON’T want to talk to him, I have no more illusions left, I miss him, I’m sad, it makes no sense, I’m just going with the flow… I have good days and bad days. ugh.
super chic
EB, very interesting test question!!!!!!!!!!!!
witsend
ErinBrock,
Wow….It is so interesting to hear your take on this.
I NEVER for one minute got caught up in the romance fantasy of it.
The only thing that confused me for a minute was that the word “love” was used.
I read that sentence again and it said “she fell in love with him right there” Yep, only a P.
Falls in love right then and there, at their MOTHERS funeral….thats two confimations right there.
The sentence I gave the least thought to in the end was the one that I thought was KEY in the begining.
“a few days later she killed her sister”
Distorted thinking….of a P = to do whatever they have to do to get what they want.
NO LOGIC involved. I scratched my head while trying to look at this “test” logically. NONE of it would be possible (logically). Not meeting an amazing guy, not falling in love and certainly not killing her sister.
You better put on your P radar when you go out with your G/F’s !!!!
And as far as pathetic me….I am so cynical right now about a guy, he would have to be a biblical saint to pass the test!
amber
I posed this question to my ex and he didn’t even take a second to answer me back with a very cocky, “well to have another funeral of course!” Like duh?? Why didn’t you get that! Sick!!
Sarasims
shabbychic, the really sad thing is that i WANT him to contact me. To reach out. Bc before, even when he was doing all of the crazy things he did to me, every time he contacted me, my heart jumped at the thought “maybe he really does care”. “He just doesn’t know how to show it.” And then it was up to me….accept him or reject him. Of course, I ALWAYS took him back. He would say that he wanted to be around me bc I was the only good in his life. Always accepting of him. I thought my “goodness” could change his way of thinking – his way of living. That by being good to him, accepting him for ever fiber of his being, I was doing the right thing. And for that he would love me….bc no one had ever been as good to him as I could be. Is that how you felt?
I so want to hear his voice and have him reach out. I don’t want to forget how he sounds or his touch. The excitement we shared the first time our hands touched or we kissed. It all sounds so FOOLISH….but today those are the feelings that are making me hurt, making me cry. And the more time that passes, I compare it to how long he went before without contacting me. And I realize the chances grow slimmer everyday that he will ever call again. He’s forgotten me as if I (our relationship) meant nothing to him.