Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
Sarasims..you just described the EXACT way I and everyone else here has felt. That if he came back he loved me, and if I accepted him for everything that he was and kept taking him back it would prove to him that I was better to him than anyone else ever could be, and that he would eventually realize it and chage. BUT…he will never change!! That I promise you. You are not foolish. We all will miss things about those people as crazy as it sounds, but you hurt and you cry because you are HUMAN. We allow our hearts to feel. They don’t! They don’t feel, they don’t hurt, they don’t cry for us, they don’t love….That’s why they do what they do. Him coming back doesn’t mean he loves you…it means he only loves himself and knows that he can take advantage of your good nature and kind heart, and for the moment he gets instant gratification from it. He will leave again, treat you badly, make you cry..
You take that goodness, and your ability to feel and love and concentrate on you. Be selfish they way he was. This time around you do what make you happy. Surround yourself with only positive things and eventually the pain and suffering won’t have room in your life anymore. As you said it’s as if you meant nothing to him, so don’t lessen yourself to EVER take him back. You are not nothing. You deserve better. Hugs.
Amber, thank you for reminding me of these things and reminding me that we all feel the same. Being human, I can’t imagine how the SPs do the things they do. How can you look into someone’s eyes and make them promise that they will always remember you love them. How can you vow to love someone for the rest of your life and then simply turn your back on them like they mean nothing. How can you be apart from them, and they (the SP) contact you and say “I do love you, I will always love you, but you don’t get it! We can’t be together.” I don’t understand how that works. And most days I chalk it up the past and it will never be again. But today, I have this fear of never hearing his voice again. This intense pain of how he can simply “forget” me.
You’re welcome. And it sounds like we were involved with the same man. He always told me, “I will always love you, but you don’t know what it’s like to be inside of my head. I’m afraid to be with you because I love you so much.” He never loved me. If he really loved me? He would have never hurt me, cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me. No, the only thing he was afraid of was to ONLY be with me. We will never know what it’s like “to be in their heads” or understand how they can so easily turn their backs, but we just have to take it at face value that this is what happened, and they are who they are, and from this point on, it’s up to us to be happy. I missed his voice too (he had an English accent, part of the charm that swept me off my feet) But what makes me not miss that voice?? The lies that voice told, the evil words he was capable of saying, how condecending he could be, the tone when it was angry. I don’t miss it at all anymore. Welcome the new silence. Welcome that he might forget you, because if he forgets you? Then maybe he’ll never show back up to hurt you again. You will get through this. The pain is only temporary. Hugs to you. We’re here for you.
Ijust got a new book today….and it has a section on health in it. It speaks of the three best stress busters for women: number three really caught my attention…it seems when women are stressed they release the hormone oxytocin and we all know what that hormone is: yep….the bonding hormone. This encourages us to seek solace from other people or….in the case of the p…he was the only one that could reduce our stress….or so we thought because he was the creator of our stress. See how this works? It’s a catch 22 situation. No wonder it takes so long to detox……..
TB, very interesting concept, oxytocin released during stress, makes sense, it is a catch 22!!
shabbychic: yeah, it is. That must be what I call ‘the something that is overwhelming’ that keeps us tied long after we logically end it. The ‘pull’….I mean I still feel it some even tho I walked out and ended it and do not want to ever go back…I feel it less and less….but I do still feel it.
TB, maybe that’s part of it, I started reading The Betrayal Bond, it says we keep repeating our trauma over and over, I haven’t quite figured out what my trauma is or how to stop, I guess I have to finish the book, sometimes it’s too intense to read. Could my betrayal be that my dad was not around much, was not emotionally available? So I keep looking for that? Is that trauma? That would be aside from all the fighting and screaming me and my brother and sister and mom did. ugh. I don’t really even want to think about it. I’m already in a big time slump.
shabbychic: well, you know it seemed normal to me…I was experienced in this type of behavior in males….my brother treated me this way[ my dad was gone a lot and my brother was old enough to be my dad and ran the house when my dad was away….]so I was ‘at home’ in it. First time now to not be in it….and I am finding myself. It’s hard in some ways…but still easier than being in that hell. I sleep well at night! 🙂
The thing I can’t stand about the P’s is their subtle manipulations. All the yelling and screaming doesn’t seem so bad compared to the lying and underhanded “niceness” that they present while all the while having an ulterior motive.
It’s sometimes very quickly revealed, but why do it at all?
The sinister part is when it doesn’t get revealed for years and years. I think that is the most destructive thing to someone’s psych: to realize that they have been lied to and conned for such a long time. It gives you a sense of unreality. Furthermore, you can’t get past what possible motivation could exist for such a long term lie. The only possible motivation is a deep, pathogical hatred towards you. This hatred is coming from a spouse or family member that you are giving your heart -undefended – to. And it goes on for years. You realize that they could only hate you more and more as the years went by because people always hate those they’ve hurt – it helps them rationalize and justify their behavior. In the end it leaves you feeling so unanchored because you can’t imagine what you did to cause this hatred. It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that you did nothing, they were just a damaged creature with a wounded psyche and they hate everyone. But they hide it.
sky: yeah, you are so right. Very good description and worded very well. Sure…my x told me he had to hate me to do the things he did….and strangely said he didn’t really want to do them….how odd is that?