Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Leslie Ann.” The names in this story have been changed.
I met Matt. I was tired of dating and definitely tired of dating jerks.
Matt was stable, not as good looking as the men I had dated before, in fact he seemed a little awkward. He was very kind and polite.
I was ready to get married and settle down.
He said he had been divorced for 8 years and that his wife has lived in another bedroom for their 18 year marriage and was cold to him but that they had a peaceful marriage. He was starved for love and was so wanting to find his soul mate. He had dreamed of finding woman who looked like me.
I’m petite and blonde. His friend and family eventually confirmed that I was physically his dream girl.
I had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years with a sociopath but had been divorced for 13 years. I could spot them a mile away.
Matt was so kind, and sweet and would always say that he was like Richie Cunningham … never cheated or lied or went to bars He was not the charming, smooth type. Rather socially awkward. But rather like a Boy Scout.
Everyone loved him … the guy anyone could depend on. Same job for 25 years. He told me from the beginning that I was his dream girl. That he would always keep the romance alive. That he would never hurt me like other men.
There were no addictive behaviors in him or his family. He had a large family and they were all happily married. He let me meet them all.
I had finally found a guy with character.
He seemed a little inexperienced in the bedroom at first. He wanted to use a vibrator but did a big show about how he was afraid of them. I asked him to do a little spicy talk he said he’d never done that before but he’d try. Next time we were together he was an expert. He said he’d studied YouTube videos on the subject. He shortly became the best lover I ever had.
After a rather short time all of the romance that he promised became short lived. I’d ask him why he seemed to be so intimate in the bedroom and distant outside the bedroom. He’d clean up his act for awhile. He was excessively stingy with his finances and accused me of trying to manipulate him for his money. I had never asked him for a cent and we were hardly ever going out, just having sex.
It took me awhile to notice this pattern. I broke up with him. I put up a dating profile.
He called me distraught and said that he wouldn’t be able to date for months since we broke up. I apologized for hurting him and we reconciled.
I found his profile up weeks later. He claimed he had it up to search for mine and he didn’t know how to take it down.
He gave me a commitment ring. He received a text at midnight that night and said it was from his best friend, Chris. Chris would tell me that Matt was true blue, never ever lied or cheated. Please note Matt was not charismatic. He played himself as awkward and non-social.
Fast forward. Matt would repeatedly say to me … “you do so much for me what can I do for you?”
He was working long distance so I’d ask him to call or text sometimes. Of course, he wouldn’t. It was a chore. Very confusing to me since he said he was going to be so romantic.
Next he brought out his fetishes. Long nails, latex, pornography. He wanted me to wear this in public. I refused. I did wear it in the bedroom. If I didn’t he pouted or was passive aggressive.
He would insult me in front of others. I found out that he was having an affair with a woman in LA where he was working. He told me that he was devastated by his behavior. She was very homely. He said he would stop the affair. He said he had never cheated before in his life and had been tormented by his behavior.
I ended up degrading myself and checking his phone. A woman that he claimed had been a long time friend that I never suspected because she was very unattractive had been repeatedly calling him. I listened to her messages. They were obviously involved also.
He had not broken off the affair as I saw by the fact that he was texting her. He had also written her emails telling her the same things that he told me in the beginning of our relationship.
I confronted him and said to end it. He said no one gives him ultimatums and he wanted to take a break but he would still communicate with me. He called once.
I called him for an airline ticket and asked to see him after three weeks. He jumped at that chance.
Before I did I saw my therapist who pegged him as a sexually addicted sociopath. I cancelled.
He called and begged me to call him. I did not at the advice of my therapist who explained that he would just be trying to seduce me.
I was telling my friend this story soon after the break; she asked his name. When I told her she said: My friend from college was engaged to him!!
In an hour I was talking to his ex fiancée who informed me that he had been calling her throughout our entire relationship trying to date her, telling her we were broken up.
The night that I got the engagement ring, she was the one who texted trying to give me a heads up that he was cheating. He did the exact same pattern with her. When they got engaged at the six month mark, he stopped flying to see her (they were long distance). The same girl that he was cheating with was in the picture with her and she missed it also because she was unattractive. She also had been married to a sociopath and could spot them a mile away but we both missed it with this guy because he presented an awkward, unassuming demeanor.
Not all sociopaths are charming and polished.
I knew that he had hundreds of thousand of dollars in the bank. She did not.
He told her he was just a blue collar worker and had her paying for their vacations, her own Christmas gifts (claiming he’d reimburse her), etc.
He is currently working his magic on a new victim. He hides the truth from his family and even his best friend. They all think that he is the salt of the earth.
Husband indicted for wife’s deadly fall off Rocky Mountain cliff
My ex husband of 20 years was a N. Nobody would have guessed it. He was straight laced, had a stable and lucrative career and did all the right things in public. Behind closed doors he was an emotionally and psychologically abusive monster.
After my divorce I unfortunately dated quite a few bad seeds. One of them seemed kind of awkward and nerdy and presented himself as having been unlucky in love. Another was younger, again, slightly on the nerdy side and pulled me in by talking to me about the recent death of his mother. Another was a hard working musician who seemed to be well known, popular and well liked but wasn’t conventionally good looking or polished.
All of these guys eventually exhibited classic psychopathic behavior. They couldn’t have seemed more different from one another at first but ultimately could have been the same guy.
Just goes to show they come in all shapes, colors and sizes and from all walks of life.
OMG THIS IS MY EX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m hangin on guys, LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!! xoxox
Penelope67
You are so right! In spite of superficial difference, they come in all shapes, but the controlling cruelty comes out in the strangest ways… classic sociopathic behavior. Who knew?! I didn’t.
I would have said my ex was just a country boy. But I found out that was just his schtick, his routine to dupe his prey. He’d adust his routine depending on his prey, but basically he’d follow the 48 Laws of Power. “Conceal intentions” “Say less than necessary, let the prey fill in the blank” “Get people to be dependent on you” etc etc
The women he wanted to capture were mostly solid, very connected community service women with a young child, educated, dedicated, intelligent… women who had overcome bad childhoods to be everyone’s definition of successful. Such women are wary of smoothtalking arrogance. But the gentle, non threatening funny intelligent, humble man who wanted a solid family life, oh boy… He played that to the hilt.
It’s only after she has finally let down her defenses and fallen in love that he would do bizarre cruel, seemingly out of character disparaging public humiliations that leaves his target victims confused, embarrassed, hurt. Eventually, instead of being a one-off “misunderstanding”, his behavior turned constantly ridiculing, sneaky, scamming, draining the finances, spreading rumours that she was a crazy woman who wouldn’t let him go, that he was afraid of her… and the good natured community turned on her.
My ex has the reputation of being SO goodhearted but with a bad picker, that he’d pick women who pretended to be good hearted too, but they were just after his money, gold diggers… these women who were successful in their careers, who gave up their careers to focus on being family and small town community oriented, only to end up dumped and penniless, scared and a shell of their former selves… but when they recovered, when they found themselves again, they were still the kind, nurturing, compassionate, giving women they’d always been. And they saw he was pulling the same schtick on a new woman, who was sure that he had bad luck but SHE was different!
What I found out AFTER my nightmare was YES, lot of people thought my ex was well loved by many community members. But there were a few who knew the truth, only my ex made sure I did not meet them, he smeared them to me so I wouldn’t want to meet them. I learned my ex could fool some of the people ALL THE TIME, they were the bit players in his routine. Even when I thought he was too good to be true and I tried to find the truth, I was chastised for not accepting my good fortune, my “Prince”. I had NO idea the meaning of those incidents that seemed a little off were in reality HUGE RED FLAGS.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe – It sounds like he had his routine down. How many women do you know of that he targeted?
An “awkward, unassuming demeanor” describes my ex perfectly”he was anything but polished, but he could be so, so charming if it was what he wanted.
He used that supposed social awkwardness to his advantage with me, as proof that I would never have to worry about him cheating, since he would have been too shy to approach a woman. He oozed charm with women (such as bartenders, grocery checkers, etc.) when he was with me, and he said it was because he felt confident when he was with me. I bought it all”after all, we were building a life together.
We worked together for several years before we started dating, and this “soccer dad” persona was very consistent. I left that job after we started dating, and we were together for seven years. Only after the final discard did I find out that he had been “dating” many women from the office the entire time, as well as others outside the office. He was in no way awkward and unassuming. He culled me from the herd, ruined my career, created situations that caused me to lose my financial stability. He gaslighted me, goaded me and when I reacted, told me that I had a personality disorder. All the while, he was feathering his own nest, and got married shortly after he discarded me.
I spoke to more than one of the women who had been abused by him. She commented to me that he had made the rounds of many women in the office, and treated them all some version of the same way: come on strong with the love bombing and idealization followed by cruel treatment and punishment if they dared to walk away (up to and including him using his position to cause them to lose their jobs) rather than sit meekly to be discarded. It was common knowledge in the office, yet there was always another woman willing to get involved with him. Meanwhile, I had devoted my life to “us”, and all this was going on behind my back. He is evil, pure and simple.
Oh yes, I call it his pity ploy and he can be convincing. “I’m just a boy and boys don’t know anything about all of this girl stuff and wedding plans, so I will let you and your mother do all that and I will just write a great big check” regarding our daughter’s wedding. Well, the great big check did not even cover his half of the wedding costs. It came right out of Prissy’s (Butterfly McQueen) line in Gone With the Wind “I don’t know nothing about birthing babies!”
He uses equal amounts of charm and pity ploy. Of course, they cannot mimic real feeling so they use charm or pity ploy to lure in their victims. Either one is fake.
Oh yes, I call it his pity ploy and he can be convincing. “I’m just a boy and boys don’t know anything about all of this girl stuff and wedding plans, so I will let you and your mother do all that and I will just write a great big check” regarding our daughter’s wedding. Well, the great big check did not even cover his half of the wedding costs. It came right out of Prissy’s (Butterfly McQueen) line in Gone With the Wind “I don’t know nothing about birthing babies!”
He uses equal amounts of charm and pity ploy. Of course, they cannot mimic real feeling so they use charm or pity ploy to lure in their victims. Both are pure fake.
I have just commented on ‘my story’ re Warning the next victim…
Every post on this page reminds me of what my spath was like. He was charming, engaging, and had this voice that I initally thought was British until I realised it was his posh accent he used alot.
Like many of you I was fooled and tricked for six years to this classical muso who thought he was the bee’s knees and could do wrong. Up until I met him he was a househusband, played in orchestras when the work was avaliable and basically he lived off his wife’s hard earned earnings for fourteen years before she turfed him out.
Sex at first was akward, he reckoned his ex never liked it and he only got it on special occassions and when he met me, everything deflated like a balloon until we got medical help for the first six months. When the relationship went sour he told me that there was more to life than sex.. it was as if it was dirty to him or something that did not bother him either way.
To many around him, he is the life of the party, someone who could be very engaging to the right kind of audience and someone who also could snob you and act as if he did not know you if he wanted to. We went to a mutual friend’s birthday and when I spoke to one party guest he was amazed to realise I was this guy’s girlfriend…our end of the party table went as quiet as a mouse when I said it, people did not realise that we had been together for at least four years by that stage.
Charm was something that came easily to him and even when he was with his daughter there was always this kind of ‘act’ or script between them that my articulate friend from UK described as a “Badly scripted television drama”. It felt as if he had to be on show and at the corner of his eye my friend saw that my spath was watching him as he continued to act away as if the behaviour was normal between a father and his daughter…
I could write sooooooooo much more!
First off, Leslie Ann, what a horror story. All of that high-energy deception, being on such an emotional roller coaster, well, it’s got to be just plain exhausting, physically and emotionally. It’s unbelievable how much more energy for badness paths over empaths. It does make sense since they are stunted emotionally and don’t have to deal with conscience, empathy, guilt, basically feelings of any kind for others.
The path in my life always looked fresh as a daisy. It didn’t matter that he was losing his big job, that his marriage was going down the tubes and G-d knows what else, I believe he had some legal troubles as well, and still does. He told me he had learned to compartmentalize per his therapist. Hahaha. What a cruel and brutal joke. The guy never looked tired, always bright-eyed, calm as a cuke while the world crumbled around him, at his own hand. But it was always someone else’s fault, right? The wife, the family who was always bothering him for help, the inability to work because of personal problems, etc. I only saw him upset once and it was after he had finally gotten caught preying on one too many women and he lost it all. We spoke at this time and he was insane, lying, freaking out, like a little boy. I tried to tell him how it felt from my perspective and he looked at me like he didn’t even know who I was. And this a guy who wanted me to go away with him, who also said to me, “What can I DO for you?” Etc, etc, etc. Thankfully it was never physical.
He also had that little boy, innocent charm. “I’m just a regular guy workin’ on the house.” I remember thinking, “Regular guy, huh? You mean regular like say, Jeff Dahmer?” When I told him he seemed psychotic, (I had not learned about socios yet, just knew his behavior was off the charts crazy, evil and to be avoided) and I didn’t want to be “friends” or whatever any longer, he said he was complicated.
He also told me once that he was “So forgivin’, it was ridiculous.” Sometimes he’d email or call me, and just say angrily, “Guess where I am? At a HOTEL!” Whaaat? I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Later I realized the wife prob kicked his sorry a out. I really think these sick, sick, sick things have the maturity of a toddler. They just don’t see beyond their own needs and selfish wants. For the prey, this can do anything from confuse to crush. But when you consider the source, it makes sense. They are just horribly insane. The more light that can be shed on these predatory beasts with the mind of a very sick child, the better.
Beware the charming innocent.
Keep in mind that Cluster B is comprised of a variety of anti-social personality disorders. There’s the blatant Psychopath that harms victims simply because (s)he enjoys doing so. Then there are Narcissists who have very little self esteem and look to throw you under the bus to achieve self-aggrandizement. There are people who have Borderline Personality Disorder who flip out over nothing and try to discredit your at every turn, because they have an unreasonable fear of abandonment.
At the heart of all their behaviors lies one basic characteristic…. they have no emotional empathy. Life’s impacts lead them down a different, but centrally connected path and they are toxic, no matter what form their disorder takes.
But because their motives differ, their personality traits can’t be the same either. While “glib and good looking” could characterize a sociopath, nerdy and quiet could be more frequently descriptive of a Narcissist.
No matter what type of character disorder they have, however, they are harmful to the max!
Joyce
yeah it rly doesnt matter if hes a narc or bpd or a blend of both for godsakes. hes evil. and hes extremely dangerous to me.
one day he will rip my heart out while im breathing.
for whatever reasons his sickness of the moment demands.
if i dont stay away.
No matter how they make you perceive it, they are playing a game with you.