It’s refreshing, and for some people healing, to see an honest obituary for a sociopath. Lawrence H Pfaff Sr. died recently, and the notice in the Florida Times Union reflected how his son truly felt about him:
Lawrence H Pfaff Sr. was born in Belmont, NY, on April 16, 1941. He passed away on June 27, 2022, living a long life, much longer than he deserved. He is survived by his three children, no four. Oops, five children. Well as of 2022 we believe there is one more that we know about, but there could be more. His love was abundant when it came to himself, but for his children it was limited. From a young age, he was a ladies’ man and an abusive alcoholic, solidifying his commitment to both with the path of destruction he left behind, damaging his adult children, and leaving them broken.
Written by adult son
The obituary was written by Lawrence H Pfaff Jr., the deceased’s son. He actually started working on it a year before his father passed. According to an interview with Jacksonville.com, Pfaff Jr. said his father left when he was nine years old, and he didn’t know for sure how many siblings he had. He found some half-brothers and half-sisters through DNA testing. His goal was to speak his truth, so he could heal. Pfaff Jr. wrote:
It will be challenging to miss Lawrence, Sr. because he was narcissistic. He was incapable of love. Lawrence, Sr.’s passing proves that evil does eventually die, and it marks a time of healing, which will allow his children to get the closure they deserve. Lawrence, Sr. can be remembered for being a father to many, and a dad to none.
Pfaff Jr. expected some negative feedback to his obituary for a sociopath, and was surprised at the number of positive comments. Other people, who suffered with their own abusive parents, found his truth to be healing.
Media doesn’t get it
Commentators in the media, in the meantime, didn’t get it at all. The Huffington Post described the obituary as “angry.” First Coast News, the TV station that interviewed Pfaff Jr., focused on offering help for children of alcoholics, as if the main problem were alcoholism.
Gannett Newspapers, which owns the Florida Times Union, apologized for running the obituary for a sociopath in the first place. “We regrettably published an obituary that did not adhere to our guidelines and we are looking into the matter further,” they said in a statement. “We regret any distress this may have caused.”
Disordered parents
In my personal consultations, I speak to a lot of people who, at middle age or even older, figure out that one or both of their parents are disordered. If you’ve come to this conclusion about your own life, what do you do?
The Lovefraud reader, Matt, wrote an article called, Dealing with dying Cluster B parents. His disordered parents treated him horribly, yet when his father, and then his mother, were at the end of their lives, he cared for them. Why did he do it? His analysis is enlightening.
By understanding that you may have been raised by a sociopath, all the pain you’ve endured, and all the fears you still carry, start to make sense. Your eyes are open. Now you can finally see what you were unable to see for so many years. You realize how your mother or father affected you.
Finally, an opportunity for healing
But the intellectual understanding is just the first step. Next, the deep emotional wounds need to be healed. How do you do this? One way is to sit quietly, thinking about a hurtful incident with your parents, and finally allowing the pain, which you’ve kept buried for so long, to rise to the surface. Do this over and over. By allowing yourself to experience the pain, you let it go.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
You can also follow the example of Lawrence Pfaff Jr. Write your mother’s or father’s obituary, telling the real, private truth of how they treated you and others. Even if they died long ago, or even if they may be around for many more years, you may find the exercise to be helpful.
Recognizing how you’ve been broken is the first step in your recovery.
Perspecticide and percepticide: effects of psychological terror
HI Donna, wow, what a topic to cover. Emotions can sometimes rule a decision such as writing a truthful obituary. The pain is real and understandable on all levels. But, from my perspective as a practicing Catholic, we believe, at least this is what is taught in my faith and not meant to correct anyone’s thoughts or feelings– that, for whatever reason (the prayers of others, intercession of a saint) a soul may have repented at the hour of death of all willful, conscious choices that have inflicted harm on self and others. I would regret writing a nasty obituary when this person is being judged not by me when they die, but the Just Judge. Again, this is my faith and what I believe. My emotions would like to speak otherwise though, especially if the deceased hurt or abused me or my children.
WE are taught that we cannot assume where a person is consigned once they pass. If we look at scripture, Jesus called sinners to repent, and some of them became his followers, and even some may have repented at the very last moment! The “good thief” is a perfect example. He spent his life taking what was not his, but there was hope for him. What if his obituary said ” what a jerk, he stole from everyone in Jerusalem, raped and pillaged, he was an awful brother, husband and uncle”, etc…and then, Jesus accepted him into heaven? What do I say then? For me, Jesus knows our hearts and only Him. This is at least the hope I hold on to for those who seemed to have been hardened into advanced years.
Not to say that there is hope for all sociopathic individuals. Most, even at the last hour, refuse to open their heart. I just would not want to say or do anything specifically (especially in an obituary) that would make assumptions that the person is condemned for all eternity. Or saved for that matter. I believe they have condemned themselves and went morally bankrupt at some point in their lives. Were they sorry? As we know with most sociopaths, probably not, but there is a chance they were.
That being said, I would tend to write an obituary absent of any fake sentiments like “loving sister” or “compassionate spouse” and so on. It would be merely facts about date of death, arrangements and burial etc. I also think it is appropriate in situations like these to just announce the death with no other facts included. What irks me about some obituaries is that information can be easily embellished. Sure, the deceased may have been a criminal, but the obituary glorifies them. That’s not good either. I would also like to add that if–on the other hand– someone goes over the top with an obituary, with all kinds of accolades and idolizing language, it could also be a red flag that this person left a legacy of garnering inordinate attention and affection because of possible narcissistic/sociopathic behavior.
I edited this post for more clarity 😊
Joanie – thank you for sharing your interesting comment. I can certainly see your reasoning, from the perspective of your faith.
I suppose one could ask, who is an obituary for? The person who is deceased will not be reading it, so one could say the obituary is for the living. If the deceased was abusive, and the victims could not, out of fear or for some other reason, speak their truth while he was alive, maybe it’s an opportunity to finally say what really happened. The author of this obituary found it healing. Other people found it healing. If the deceased can’t be hurt, and the living can be helped, maybe that’s a good thing.
My former mother in law died last autumn, she was a malignant narcissist at the very least. She didn’t deserve the generous, kind and mealy-mouthed obituary she received but obituaries are for the living.
Family members did make some veiled comments at the time but they didn’t go anywhere near acknowledging the horrible, nasty things she did to the people in her life.
I’m all for speaking the truth, I should imagine it feels really cathartic.
Hello Hafren – good to “see” you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
When my husband died I wish I had the courage to write such an obituary. The world saw him as a church going family man. I experienced him as a cruel, oppressive jailer. The way he acted behind closed doors was nothing like the face he put on for others. He was truly evil, yet if I had said so I would have been ostracized, disbelieved and called crazy. All I could do was quietly celebrate his demise and slowly heal myself. Yes, obituaries are for the living – but what about the survivors of true evil? His smarmy, celebratory obit (written by his family) made me feel even more “wrong”. As Mr Pfaff said, Evil does die. I am no longer very religious – that was lost when I realized the church supported him and told me to be a “good wife” – so I am not sure if anyone is judging a person’s soul. But I can’t believe he was forgiven or redeemed at the last minute — he was evil to his last breath to me. I felt Mr Pfaff’s honesty and heart-rendering pain to my core and admire him for that.
oknow – you bring up a very important point – how the celebratory obituary written by his family made you feel. Even after he died, your experience was invalidated. I hope you’ve moved past it all now. But maybe, for a bit of a healing ceremony, you could write a truthful obituary, and then burn it.