lf2

On Being Someone Other

By Ox Drover

Yet Being Someone Other is the title of one of my favorite books and sometimes I think that title applies to me as well, at least since I recognized the post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that has become such a part of my life these last six years. Now I’m “someone other” than who I used to be. I’m not the same person at all. I no longer think like that other person did, that FIRST ME as it were. The NOW ME is different.

This was a very disturbing thing for quite some time as I had to get used to things being gone that I had depended on previously. I had to make adjustments to the changes in myself, sort of like a teenager has to make adjustments to larger feet and longer legs, and for a while becomes quite clumsy as they learn to use these appendages which have suddenly changed in dimensions. I felt very clumsy for a while, and still do to some extent. In other ways, I feel like an amputee that is having to relearn to walk with only one leg, or to use a prosthetic leg. To me, this is quite unsatisfactory. I want the old me back, the familiar me.

Worst of all I think, is that my mind doesn’t work the way it did, and it keeps on changing. At first I couldn’t read at all, not even one sentence, as I was in shock and couldn’t retain the words from the first of the sentence long enough to add them to the last words of the sentence in order to make sense of it all. That was frustrating and scary. I’d watch a movie and enjoy it, and then put the same DVD in the next night and not realize I had seen it the night before until maybe near the end when some specific line would make me realize I had seen it. Then I would feel so stupid that I had watched it again, not remembering.

I talked to my psychiatrist about this and she reassured me, “It will get better, it will come back,” but I didn’t believe her, and even after six years, she is only partly right. It has gotten better, but I realize and finally accept that it will never be the same. I am Someone Other than who I was before. I still have word finding problems like a stroke patient, seeing the image of a tree in my mind, yet not being able to find the word “tree.” It is as if my brain is now made of Swiss cheese, with large empty holes at random within it. I stutter when I talk, trying to find the words I want to express myself, and sound to others as if I have the early onset of dementia. I apologize to them for not being able to find the word I am seeking, and explain why, or try to, but not really knowing if they believe me or not, or if they are simply humoring me to be polite. I don’t talk as much to strangers now, the New Me doesn’t want to have to explain. The Old Me never met a stranger, or was reluctant to exchange conversation with someone they just met.

I have found that for some strange reason the muscle memory of typing which the Old Me always did well, though not quite intact, is actually better for producing words and thoughts than verbally doing so. Though I now have problems spelling, and will use the word “here” instead of “hear” and not realize it until I read back through the typescript. Sometimes my spelling is so bad on more complex words that even spell check doesn’t know what I am trying to say to fix it, so I have to go back and find a simpler word that I can still spell, so my vocabulary has decreased by a large percentage.

Reading, which has always been one of my passions, is still a passion for me, but now instead of reading at breakneck speed, reading by phrases at twice or three times the rate most people read, I am again reading word by word at about 200-250 words per minute which is about average speed. I also know that my memory of a series of numbers, which was once quite extraordinary, can’t even extend to the seven digits of a phone number long enough to dial it.

Through the last six years the Now Me has gone through many changes, some quite painful, and has had to navigate through the rapids of multiple episodes of grief, make decisions while not fully functional as far as logic is concerned, and reinvestigate what my core beliefs are, and which direction my moral compass should point.

The feelings have been sometimes like that feeling of unreality you have inside a house of mirrors at the county fair! You end up holding out your hands in front of you to touch the things you think you see in order to navigate because you learn you cannot trust your eyes to navigate your way out. The Now Me must learn to use other senses besides sight to move by. Sometimes I’ve had to close my eyes and grope in the dark to find the path out of the maze because if the Old Me tried to find her way out by sight, she would confuse the Now Me.

Time has helped to calm the fears of things being different, of be being Someone Other than the Old Me. I’m learning to adjust, and to accept the Now Me and not grieve the way the Old Me was. There is really nothing in this life that is constant except change, and though the PTSD does seem to cause this change to accelerate at what seems like a breakneck speed, in many ways the Now Me has adapted well to these changes and is learning to care for herself in ways that the Old Me never was able to.

I saw a video a while back of a two-legged Border Collie working sheep at a dead run. One of the things I’ve learned in my years of having and raising collies is that they are a “can do” breed and ”working,” which to them is play, is very important to them, and if there is any way they can succeed in doing that, they will find it. I didn’t see that two legged dog sitting down whining on the side lines, but running as hard as she could go, doing what she loved. It was only when she sat down that she fell over, so I intend to keep on running and being and appreciating that the Now Me, while not identical to the Old Me, is still able to do what I really want to do.


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still trying to understand

Ox Dover,

This is my first time to ever post anything on Lovefraud, although I visit the site regularly to read and gather as much information as I can…searching for closure!

It is so difficult to explain to people what PTSD is/feels like/does to one’s mind, much less what it is like when a Sociopath has infiltrated your life, but this post explains it perfectly for me!

I have yet to find a story similar to mine. My husband and I are a little over two years out and away from the Devil who almost destroyed us and our children (especially or son). I have sat down numerous times to write Donna about my experience with my Sociopath/Narcisit many times but have never been able to finish the letter.

Anyway, just wanted to say ‘well said’ and thank you!

Still Trying to Understand!

That is the crux of PTSD missing what was familiar even when it was bad..being forced to take a different road in order to survive, missing what your leaving and fearing it simultaneously..I am better than I was now that I know who I am..and like Ox I can express myself on the keyboard, in person I struggle to find the words. Good Article Ox

Welcome Still Trying to Understand…I would like to read your story I hope some day you can share it here.

I am brand new to this site, i hope i am posting on the main blog, had hard time getting signed on and registered

I just ended a relationship that i have been struggling so hard to get out of for the past yr and a half and i finally got out and the pieces all started to come together from reading all of your comments! thank God for this site. You have enabled me to break free–all of you and i’m not kidding. no one else would believe me! Thank God someone else knows the truth of these demons.

I broke up with him 1 month ago after his last dangerous outburst. He has been calling. I have not returned the calls doing as I was told to do from this site.

He came over a few hours ago trying to break in banging on all the doors for atleast 45 minutes. Cops took their sweet time getting over here. 3 hours later i sit writing this he is gone and so are the cops.

2 of the cops were female blamed me & believed him! I said don’t you know anything about psychopaths? They started raising their voices I was already traumatized hiding under my kitchen table, he was just inches away from me banging on the glass door i was so scared!

In short-he told them he was trying to break in because he thought i had killed myself! How convenient!

I said just look up his criminal record-it will tell you everything. Finally I asked them to leave they just made things worse.

I am shaking, crying and so glad I found all of you!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinallygotthelesson – girl, i am glad you are here.

he’s a lying piece of crap. and i am glad you are free. good job.

do you have anyone who could come and sit with you tonight?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

a beautiful essay oxy.

‘in many ways the Now Me has adapted well to these changes and is learning to care for herself in ways that the Old Me never was able to.’

this is true for me also. thankful for that.

Dear 1 Step:

Thank you so much for writing! I am not doing well, don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. I was having such a great day, right before he started all the banging and hollering outside, i was sitting here saying gee i am so happy to be away from him i can’t believe i am finally free after all this time! And then-Boom-the devil shows up.

It took me SO long to get that this was what I was dealing with. He is a lying piece of crap, this one is a smooth one, even telling the bonehead cops about his violent record, prison record, asking them to listen to all the obsessive calls today, telling the cops that he is not allowed to carry firearms anymore—no they wouldn’t listen to me at all I told them to get the hell out of my house i could see where this was going-blame the victim! How do we protect ourselves? I thought I was doing everything right by finally breaking away and not answering his calls. The male cop said that psycho said i never broke up with him and cop said i should have answered the calls!

Can someone help me?

A friend stopped by earlier, i just want to be alone now. My trust of people in general is a big zip-o!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally (girl, you need a shorter name!) – i just want you to be physically safe, so you do what you need to to be safe tonight.

tomorrow, go to the police and file a complaint against him. be stone cold with the cops. don’t try to get them to beleive you, just file a report. you need to build a paper trail about his actions. is there a domestic violence group or shelter there? they may be able to offer some help re the right cops and lawyers. the idea is that you want to get a restraining order against him. if there is no record with the police then you need to build a record. stalking is against the law. people can’t just show up at your place and do this shit.

can you afford to buy a video camera? can you get some motion sensors with lights? there are many things you can do to protect yourself, and let him know he will not get away with this shit unhindered.

block his phone numbers. change your email. get a BIG dog. nope, not kidding.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

and ifinally – you did the right thing by leaving. absolutley. good for you. getting away from these people is a bit more complicated though – you will need to give him NOTHING – no words, no text, no calls, no confrontation – NADA. they feed on whatever is give to them.

he’s smooth alright….just like exlax.

Thank you so much 1 Step.

I am locked in here, but think i’ll sleep with 1 eye open.

Thanks for all the suggestions and validations. I will go to the police tomorrow and file a complaint, I wonder why they didn’t at the very least do that? Does this happen a lot?

I am more afraid now than ever. I’ve read on here that these psycho’s are all about winning! Gawd what next?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

don’t know where you are ifinally – but yes, the police are often not very useful, or down right useless. sad, but true. but you need to know there are some KICK ASS SURVIVORS here, and we will walk you/ talk you through this process.

i am so sorry you are scared tonight. there will be people here posting for a while yet, so keep writing. and do some reading if you can – whatever will help break the trauma shock. the hormones need to have a way out of your system – if you can do a bit of physical movement or exercise (like maybe you could lift a car….) it will help.

keep writing

p.s. they might be about ‘winning’ but WE NO LONGER HAVE TO BE ABOUT LOSING.

ifinallygotthelesson, do yourself a favor if you don’t have a weapon to protect you. Buy several large cans of hair spray. Leave a can next to your front door, back door, by the window, beside your favorite chair or sofa, next to your bed, in your car. Get a smaller compact can of hairspray for your pocket book. This way, if he or anyone breaks into your home, spray them directly in the eyes, then run like hell away from the attacker.

Peace.

OneStep, actually, none of us lost except loosing the looser out of our lives.

I’d say that is our victory!

Oh goodness 1step thank you for that post. Very helpful. I want to feel strong and empowered not defenseless! It is an awful place to be in.

I am glad you wrote that ”we no longer have to be about losing! ‘ Good to know. I always feared he’d kill me, i was crowched down under my kitchen table i thought he was going to come thru the sliding glass door. Thank God the ac was on, windows were shut. I didn’t have to see his face. When the cops arrived out front he was schmoozing them away. I yelled out the window to the cop-i want him arrested a lot of good that did

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – there may need to be a complaint filed against he police also. but you might want to talk to a lawyer about that first.

the general cop is less wily than the general spath, and that is a problem. but when you find a cop who gets it, they really get it. did the cops ask him to move on, or just give you those idiotic, completely misplaced suggestions?

keep your place locked down – 24 hours a day for the next while. there are a lot of things you can do to protect yourself. and you’ll feel strong and empowered sometimes and defenseless at others…but we will help…and there is no reason to expect you will always feel like you are equal to this fight – it is hard and it is draining…’weak’ or powerful, we still get through. and i think we get through it with greater compassion for ourselves.

1Step-

Thank you so much! You are helping me come back to center again.

I will find out how to file a complaint against a cop. I think all cops are sociopaths in disguise and they protect their own-hence today’s demon.

It is good to know that if you get a GOOD cop he “Gets” it. I am losing all hope in humanity. I am hyper paranoid about people right now. I am very jumpy. That is good tho, I guess.
Need to get a stronger shell.

I am so drained right now. It’s so good to know I am not the only one and that you “get” it. Worth everything. I think we get get through it with greater compassion for ourselves-funny as i vacuuming earlier today that very thought popped into my head.

You know the part that disappoints me the most? Is that I was doing all the right things-not answering calls, not speaking to him, not going out today to talk to him. I was giving him nothing-no more fuel, I wasn’t taking the bait this time for the 1st time in a yr and a half. But I have peace in knowing that I am out now and will never fall victim to the bait ever again.

He probably thought he was losing control since I wasn’t playing anymore, I wasn’t giving him anything-no ammo.

And look what the result was!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – 🙂

anyone who can think ‘compassion’ and vacuum at the same time has it going on!

you do need to be careful about the cop complaint, you need to get them on your side. talk to a lawyer first. this all has to be tactical. look to the bigger picture. we’ll help.

paranoid is about right and to be expected. jumpy too. i have PTSD. crazy as bat shit at times. and just different than i have ever been. I am getting neurofeedback for the PTSD and it is helping me a lot. i do intend to get through this wiser, bigger and move into who i am now with as much compassion and authenticity as possible.

No doubt you have PTSD – and are in the ‘shock and awe phase’. High drama, high trauma. one day at a time…you’ll move out of this stage. i have been on lf since last november (? or dec). i think i am almost completely out of the shock and awe phase…at least on the outer levels. deep inside it is harder.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – yup, you are doing the right things. def. but when they start to lose control, they up the anti. this is the way it goes.

now, you have to learn to ‘spathback’ – you keep giving him nothing; you get all business with the cops; you record every little thing the spath does; you get a voice activated tape recorder and you wear it all the time; you get a lawyer and a big dog. and you never let him know what you are doing. you spath back.

i know it sucks. but this is the reality of it. your hyper- vigilance is not good for your adrenal system, but it is damn good for keeping you safe.

Do they ever go away for good and leave you alone?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

yes.

sometimes it takes some time. and sometimes they try to come back.

it’s one step at a time, you can get through it all.

ifinallygotthelesson, they only time they go away is when another victim takes their focus off of you. Sad, but true. Until they focus on someone new, this robot will hound you. They don’t like when it’s over when you say it’s over. It’s only over when “they” call the shots that they are through with you.

If you can move again. I suggest you do so. If you have to stay in the area due to work or family, make sure you never go directly to your new home. Take alternate routes to your new place … and always look to see if someone is following you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be him. Most likely it is … but, he could bring in backups. If you notice license plates of a car that seems out of place, jot down the number, dates and times you saw such and such a car. Contact the police with any/all information … even if you feel that you are being a nuisance. You have a right to keep your police report growing. If the cops don’t like it … too bad for them. Always get a copy of the updates on the reports and make sure a cop files it. Get all the badge numbers, names and dates you spoke with an officer or saw them in person. That’s called getting your ducks in a row.

Stay safe.

let’s hope he finds a new victim

sad to believe that another 1 will have to go thru this

do they always get away with murder?

is there no justice?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

nope, they don’t always. but you have to be patient and stealth.

sometimes there is some justice; but only sometimes. mostly not. we have to make our own best lives, and get on with it.

will these folks there is ALWAYS another one, and one before, and usually one or two at the same time.

how are you doing?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – you keep an eye out for erin brock here. she will have very good advice for you.

getting rid of a spath is more difficult is you are married to them (divorce proceedings are some sort of spath pro/am event); or have kids with them (known as leverage) – aka things to ‘win.’

most important thing tonight and in the coming days is your safety. make it your first priority.

that’s just it, i don’t feel safe. i feel like a sitting duck. i’m petrified he’ll come back tonight.

i am scared he’ll come thru that slider window

and come back madder than ever now

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – do you have a cell phone you can sleep with? put the cops on speed dial.

is there a domestic violence hotline you could call?

do you have a gun?

do you have a can of oven cleaner, hairspray, bug spray?

do you have something you can wedge in the slider window?

how about calling the cops and telling them you fear for your life?

how about going to someone else’s house or a shelter?

you have to take some measures to keep safe.

calling the cops-look how that helped!

yes, i have a wedge in the slider-solid oak wood thick stick

i have bug spray

have no cell

have regular phone

domestic violence is closed and worthless i’ve tried early on in the relationship and i was told that they only offer group classes that you pay out the nose for

i don’t have a gun and don’t want one they scare me

ifinallygotthelesson, you have to keep your keys to your car with the remote button to your car alarm on your bedside table. This way if someone breaks in to your home, hit the alarm button on your key chain. The honking alarm on your car will wake your neighbors and they will eventually come out to investigate or call the cops to get the noise to stop.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

okay – bug spray is good.

2nd call to cops – might get diff cops. right!? you must call if he comes back. immediately. no choice.

keep the phone close. and the bug spray.

i don’t have a remote button nor a car alarm

Baseball bats are a must have for the single person living on their own. Put a bat by each of the hairspray can locations too. Just in case. Bat in one hand, hair spray in the other. Bat in car. Cops can’t arrest you for hitting a few balls (LOL).

You go girl!

Ask a neighbor if you can use the spare keys to their car. I’m sure someone won’t mind you holding a spare key to their vehicle. It’s always good to ensure someone has your back.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

ifinally – i am sorry, wish i could stay longer with you, but i have to go to sleep.

take care and call the cops at any provocation.

i’ll be back later this weekend. keep posting and keep reading. it will help.

best,
one step

i have a baseball bat but i’d never use it against him he is too dangerous.

Trust me!

He would invariably use it on me.

thanks for trying tho

this one is the most dangerous person i have ever met in my life-no joke

one/joy_step_at_a_time

sprays are harder to get out of your hand.

if you need to use it aim st8t for his eyes. show NO mercy.

good advice onestep and wini…the car alarm button is right on. But I agree with onestep you need a shorter name..Welcome Finallygotthelesson..Dont hesitate to call the cop’s and remember when seconds count the cops are just a few minutes away, get oven clean, wasp spray. The cops probably told him to not come back there again. file a restraining order tomorrow….Keep safe.

Thanks.

But the cops took 45 min to get here while I was crowched under the kitchen table shaking and crying and couldn’t take a breath. Sinister one was just feet away from me pounding at the slider -i was so scared

going to bed now

thanks for all your support. i mean it.

i like the wasp spray idea.

NOT ALL COPS ARE SOCIOPATHS–Some may be but they are in every field–particularly the medical profession. Ya’ll all know about my ex spath malignant narcissist. I am becoming a police officer and those of us who have been duped by these personality disordered people will be much better police officers. Some people have had trouble with police officers but it is NOT fair to make generalizations and say that all of them are sociopaths. Being an officer is my dream career and I am busting my ass to get there, so I take offense to that.

Hi ifinallygotthelesson,

I’m also new at LF, but left the ex-husband/spath about 11 years ago. What you’re going through is so familiar to me.

As far as the cops, I read that about 40% of police and firefighter families have domestic violence, so I can see how some cops are not going to be very helpful to the victim.

My ex had been a firefighter, and he could do some pretty good schmoozing of the cops. They believed him at first when he told them I had “mental problems.” I had one cop who I had talked to tell a friend of mine that I needed to be on heavy medication because I was “shaking so much”!! Can you believe it?? Here I was, frightened out of my mind and trying to run from my husband,who was following me, and he thinks I’m nuts–as opposed to scared out of my mind??

That cop learned the truth when he found out I had taken the kids and gone into shelter in a place about 1 1/2 hours away from home–because my ex was so well-connected in the county we lived in and was now working for the mental health dept.(!!!!!)–he would have known where the local shelter was.

The good thing to keep in mind is that when you give these jerks enough rope, they generally hang themselves!! And this did happen with my ex. Once I returned to town and filed a restraining order, the cops could hear my story and the TRUTH, while they caught my ex in LIE AFTER LIE. After that, the cops were a lot nicer to me and became helpful.

One thing I did was to tell the neighbors what was going on, also friends and family. The more people who know the situation and can keep an eye out for your safety, the better. Later, I also got a new, big dog. I was able to put in an alarm system, too, with help from my parents.

Oh, if you can, keep your car in the garage. I think my ex tampered with one of the old cars I had to drive (while he got the brand new one). Well, when I took the kids and one car and left town, the other car was left at home. Once the kids and I returned home, after he was out of the house with the restraining order, I began using that other old car. And do you know what? One night as I was driving my kids to an appt., the car broke down. I found out from the shop some days later that one axle was broken, and the second one was almost broken. I’ve been told my several people since then that having BOTH axles go out at the same time is HIGHLY unlikely. So I’m pretty sure my ex tampered with the car, hoping I’d have an accident. What a sicko!

I think I also began carrying mace with me, though never had to use it. I also kept a bat nearby. I had extra lights put in on the porch and around the outside of the house. I started screening my calls and using the Caller ID on the phone–if I didn’t know the name, I didn’t answer the phone.

If you have pets, try to keep them indoors, except for potty breaks that you can oversee. The day I took the kids and dog and left home was the day I found the dog’s water bowl floating a bottle of Armor All and a can of Lysol cleaner; the water was grey and oily, and I KNEW those items didn’t just happen to fall into the dog’s fresh water!

If you have friends or family you can either stay with or have come stay with you, you might consider it. During this period of time, I didn’t want to be around other people outside of the home. Yes, I felt paranoid and jumpy. There seemed to be so many strange phone calls, I stopped answering the phone. I didn’t know it was PTSD at the time, but learned a lot about it later.

Hang in there, and know that you have our support. Be careful and safe.

You will survive!

erin1972,

You WILL be a better cop for knowing what you do about spaths. I have a son who also wants to go into law enforcement, and part of the reason he wants to do this is because of the hell his father put us through. You (and my son) will know much better how to see through the masks these spaths wear, and help the victims of these disordered creatures.

Thank you!

Ifinallygotthelesson:
First off …..you found a good resource in LF. Welcome.
Now….get yourself a digi camera, and a digi tape recorder!
Keep them close to you at all times and USE them, if spath comes back around.
You must remain calm, cool and collected under fire! This is a WAR…..don’t forget it.
The prize is your life back!
You need the police on your side…..if you are hysterical, they will react accordingly. If you are calm…..they will react accordingly.
Muster up all of your energy if he comes back…..to call the police and remain calm. Speak to them the way they expect to be spoken to.
Telling them to get the hell out of your house….isn’t gonna help you.
You must allow them to do their job…..and if you don’t like it……don’t react. You can explain simply, you want nothing ot do with this person, you are frightened of him and for him to please be removed from your property.

It is unclear to me if this is your husband and you both own/rent this property?
If so…..go to the courts and get a sole posession order.
Pack up his belongings…..and leave them in a ‘nutral’ place.
Take a record and document everything….with pics, voice recordings (check your local laws)….save ALL voice messages…and don’t delete ANYTHING. I transfered all messages to my digi recorder, in addition to taking a digi photo of my phone with his caller ID.

This is not an easy process….not quick. They take awhile to go away.
My spath still rears his ugly head 3 years later……2.5 no contact. Not as often, but enough to keep me on alert.

Close your drapes, lock ALL windows and doors and hunker down.

Get a restraining order ASAP….BUT only if your gonna follow through!
You have a right to peace in your own home.

The wasp spray/oven cleaner is a great idea from my compadres here……

You can’t be part of the problem….withthe police….you have to work with them for the solution.

He will portray you as crazy and (already) suicidal……you have to counter control that all with the appearance of complete sanity and victimization……one step to the side of that…..and he will be confirmed…..
It’s just the way it works with a spath.

Expect it to continue……maybe even for several years…..if you are married…..longevity will be a’given’.

Read, read, read….educate yourself on EVERYTHING you can to be safe and learn about Cluster B’s……only then will you be able to counter control what they throw at you.

It’s time to pull up the panties and put on the spiked boots…..and “SHAKE IT UP’….from this point forward……you must make your behaviors UNPREDICTABLE to him. He thinks he knows you…….and he may…..but YOU must make yourself a total stranger to him with your actions.
Mine never thought i would follow through……following through is KEY!!!
Once your out……STAY OUT…..STAY NO CONTACT…..it really is a valuable tool!

Your gonna be on an emotional rolloercoaster…..expect it.
Prepare for it…..and know….tomorrow does get better!

He’s not ‘used’ to you not picking up the phone or returning phone calls…….he ‘upped’ the ante……and got the cops.
This is good for you……..your taking control.

“Manage’ the cops by your behaviors. I can’t stress that enough. They ARE your friend…..think about it??? No one else will protect you……even if it appears they are not……if your spath is a hard nose…..he’ll be back, over and over…..and you can continue to call the coops each and every time…..and INSIST ON A REPORT each time.
As you fill out the statement…….PHOTOCOPY it….or take a digi pic of it BEFORE YOU GIVE IT TO THE COP…….you can provide a copy to a judge as documentation of the date, time, reason you called the police.

1st action item…..FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER…..as part of the process…….it’s not the golden fence…..but judges expect the legal process to be followed in order to eventually punish this person.

It may not happen right away……but if he keeps breaking this order…..HE WILL be arrested.
And you will be validated to the cops, once a restraining order is issued!
File it…..and ask for a 1 year extention.

Good luck, and follow your gut to protect yourself.

Annmarie56:
You sound like you did ALL the right things……
I feel strongly that….eventually, they do expose themselves….they just can’t control themselves well enough…..
But in the meantime…..we must portray our BEST self!
As hard as it is…..

They all say we are crazy….and then we do something totally emotional……and it’s taken as we’re crazy……NOW THA”TS a hard position to gain trust from.
So it’s best to stay on the sane portayal to the ‘public’.
It’s about self discipline and self control……save the breakdowns for alone time! 🙂

Good for you….you’ve got some great advise…..
And welcome to LF…..

Hi, finally,–
I know exactly where your coming from, re cops who wont believe you.
Before I let my ex husband, i was in a no-win situation as both he and my spath teenage daughter had been violent to me.
This particular morning, my spath Daughter was screaming abuse at me, and hurling heavy encyclopedias at my head a s if they were confetti. My ex was verbally abusing me as usual. I ran in my nightdress to the old lady next door , and asked to use her phone to call the cops. When they arived, my ex calmly said to them.,
“Youve got it all wrong, Officer, My wife abuses my DAUGHTER not the other way around.Also she is mental, and “on the game,”{ie, a prostitute. Untrue of course!}
All they said was,
“We quite understand, sir, well leave now.” And they did!
So much for police protection!
Good Luck!
Mama Gem.XX

one/joy_step_at_a_time

beautiful erin72 – the concussion is affecting you. don’t doubt it. you need to walk through these next few days not taking anything to seriously that is arising for you. do you know what i mean? like when you have the flu and you feel really down for the first day in bed…it’s like that and you need to treat yourself like that – compassion, do easy pleasant small things. be loving to yourself. very loving.

you have been meeting a lot head on (no pun intended ;)) you have been working on your healing and your future goals. you have been doing a very very good job. now, at this time, your next good job is to be loving to yourself when you have a head injury and may also be going through a bit of an internal healing; you know how we do a lot consciously, but there is always unconscious things happening that we are not so aware of? maybe this is one of those times…and if you can just be with yourself through this you will know what is happening and that it IS a purge and a healing.

be gentle and patient. and keep getting the right medical help. can you call a clinic and ask a few questions about the emotional impact of head trauma or do some googling? you know i am challenged by chemical/ enviro sensitivities…since i started my new job, and am in a failry safe building every day my toxic detox has diminished…and my thinking, focus and emotional stability has improved. no doubt the head trauma is having a big impact.(again, no pun intended.)

best,
one step

Morning Gem and ev1..Back when the evil one was here, one nite he went into a rage and was threatening me and kicking holes in my wall and tearing up my house etc. I called the police and explained what was going on, the officer on the phone said they didnt like to get involved in homosexual disputes and if they came out they would probably take both of us to jail.. It was very difficult to get him out of my house. It wasnt until he had a new victim lined up that he left, but even still he kept coming back to harass me, wanting to know why I changed phone numbers etc.. he would scream through the door at me “your so fuckin crazy OPEN the door I just want to talk, please dont act like this” he didnt know I was holding a gun on the other side of that door, it really pissed him off that he couldnt play with my mind anymore, I took back my power by staying no contact..I will say it again..No contact is our only weapon and ultimate salvation…seems almost weekly i here news of another murdered woman fleeing from an abusive physco, the protection order didnt save them,,I think it takes a personal involvement with a disordered person before a cop or anyone knows what we are talkin about..

onestep-part of it may be the concussion but mostly it is my love of doing what I love. I have wanted to be a police officer since I was a young girl and I have been stuck in this career that I hate for so long. I was thinking of moving out of state but I just can’t do it. I have been talking to my police captain a lot because she is the one checking in on me because of my head.
I saw the clip from yesterday’s academy graduation and I have to be there in 2011. He said he will be hiring again. It will complete the circle for me in terms of my healing. When I had to withdraw from my class in 2009 because of my ex spath narcissist, I literally felt like part of me died. I could barely get through the process and the instructors knew that I was about to start crying. It was devastating for me. I felt like I finally had my dream.
The ex is gone now. I was reading some old emails from my friends yesterday from last summer–when I was so devastated from losing him and the police academy. My friend said the best revenge I can get is to fulfill that dream. She wants to see my graduate so much. I have been deleting all old emails from my computer to have more space on it. I am so ready for it.
I sat down with the money and it will work. The only thing keeping me out is my body. I woke up this morning and I just wanted to run–literally. Go outside and run my ass off until I couldn’t run anymore. I can’t exercise or shoot my gun until I get cleared by the Neurologist on Monday. One of my friends was on the news clip of the graduation and she looked so amazing in her uniform. It’s killing me that I have to wait. I am going for it though. I am going to make it happen! I am more emotional about it though, due to the concussion. I am crying as if I were on my period and hormonal.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

erin – i lost my business in 2006 due to injury. a business i worked very hard in and LOVED. i will NEVER be able to do that line of work again. i understand what you are going through.

i’d take a real hard look at what is fueling ‘It’s killing me that I have to wait’. I know a great deal about my loss of my business and line of work – what it meant to me and why it was so important. if you can find ways to partially fill some of those needs while you are working toward your goal, it will be easier. being in a all or nothing quest has a lot of energy, but it is also incredibly fraught.

take good care oh weepy one. be patient with this day.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

good morning hens…the police used to say a similar thing to st8t women, and they flat out refused to believe a man was being abused by a woman – so not so hard to see how a certain mentality would view dv situation between two men as ‘consensual’…

social change is the only thing that will ever change these regressive attitudes. and that’s why it is so important to work for social change around dv, spathy, misogyny, racism, classicism and homophobia …all the minute ways that people are marginalized and dismissed in society when dealing with the police. even in north amaerica police forces are not the most progressive orgs. they aremilitaristic, hierarchical, secretive and entrenched in regressive rites and traditons. that’s why erin72 needs to be on the force. wish we could figure out how to get EB involved – maybe if there is a civic advisory committee or police/community liaiason committee. and oxy advising with the prisons on a high level…some small parts of the states would be safer places.

but, okay, what are WE gonna do? I am going to contact the police services program at the local college and see if i can come in to speak to their classes, and maybe the abnormal psych folks too.

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