By Ox Drover
Yet Being Someone Other is the title of one of my favorite books and sometimes I think that title applies to me as well, at least since I recognized the post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that has become such a part of my life these last six years. Now I’m “someone other” than who I used to be. I’m not the same person at all. I no longer think like that other person did, that FIRST ME as it were. The NOW ME is different.
This was a very disturbing thing for quite some time as I had to get used to things being gone that I had depended on previously. I had to make adjustments to the changes in myself, sort of like a teenager has to make adjustments to larger feet and longer legs, and for a while becomes quite clumsy as they learn to use these appendages which have suddenly changed in dimensions. I felt very clumsy for a while, and still do to some extent. In other ways, I feel like an amputee that is having to relearn to walk with only one leg, or to use a prosthetic leg. To me, this is quite unsatisfactory. I want the old me back, the familiar me.
Worst of all I think, is that my mind doesn’t work the way it did, and it keeps on changing. At first I couldn’t read at all, not even one sentence, as I was in shock and couldn’t retain the words from the first of the sentence long enough to add them to the last words of the sentence in order to make sense of it all. That was frustrating and scary. I’d watch a movie and enjoy it, and then put the same DVD in the next night and not realize I had seen it the night before until maybe near the end when some specific line would make me realize I had seen it. Then I would feel so stupid that I had watched it again, not remembering.
I talked to my psychiatrist about this and she reassured me, “It will get better, it will come back,” but I didn’t believe her, and even after six years, she is only partly right. It has gotten better, but I realize and finally accept that it will never be the same. I am Someone Other than who I was before. I still have word finding problems like a stroke patient, seeing the image of a tree in my mind, yet not being able to find the word “tree.” It is as if my brain is now made of Swiss cheese, with large empty holes at random within it. I stutter when I talk, trying to find the words I want to express myself, and sound to others as if I have the early onset of dementia. I apologize to them for not being able to find the word I am seeking, and explain why, or try to, but not really knowing if they believe me or not, or if they are simply humoring me to be polite. I don’t talk as much to strangers now, the New Me doesn’t want to have to explain. The Old Me never met a stranger, or was reluctant to exchange conversation with someone they just met.
I have found that for some strange reason the muscle memory of typing which the Old Me always did well, though not quite intact, is actually better for producing words and thoughts than verbally doing so. Though I now have problems spelling, and will use the word “here” instead of “hear” and not realize it until I read back through the typescript. Sometimes my spelling is so bad on more complex words that even spell check doesn’t know what I am trying to say to fix it, so I have to go back and find a simpler word that I can still spell, so my vocabulary has decreased by a large percentage.
Reading, which has always been one of my passions, is still a passion for me, but now instead of reading at breakneck speed, reading by phrases at twice or three times the rate most people read, I am again reading word by word at about 200-250 words per minute which is about average speed. I also know that my memory of a series of numbers, which was once quite extraordinary, can’t even extend to the seven digits of a phone number long enough to dial it.
Through the last six years the Now Me has gone through many changes, some quite painful, and has had to navigate through the rapids of multiple episodes of grief, make decisions while not fully functional as far as logic is concerned, and reinvestigate what my core beliefs are, and which direction my moral compass should point.
The feelings have been sometimes like that feeling of unreality you have inside a house of mirrors at the county fair! You end up holding out your hands in front of you to touch the things you think you see in order to navigate because you learn you cannot trust your eyes to navigate your way out. The Now Me must learn to use other senses besides sight to move by. Sometimes I’ve had to close my eyes and grope in the dark to find the path out of the maze because if the Old Me tried to find her way out by sight, she would confuse the Now Me.
Time has helped to calm the fears of things being different, of be being Someone Other than the Old Me. I’m learning to adjust, and to accept the Now Me and not grieve the way the Old Me was. There is really nothing in this life that is constant except change, and though the PTSD does seem to cause this change to accelerate at what seems like a breakneck speed, in many ways the Now Me has adapted well to these changes and is learning to care for herself in ways that the Old Me never was able to.
I saw a video a while back of a two-legged Border Collie working sheep at a dead run. One of the things I’ve learned in my years of having and raising collies is that they are a “can do” breed and ”working,” which to them is play, is very important to them, and if there is any way they can succeed in doing that, they will find it. I didn’t see that two legged dog sitting down whining on the side lines, but running as hard as she could go, doing what she loved. It was only when she sat down that she fell over, so I intend to keep on running and being and appreciating that the Now Me, while not identical to the Old Me, is still able to do what I really want to do.
Shana:
Thank you for writing about your feelings!
Your honesty and courage are commendable about your journey on all sides of the ‘fence’, and what you have done with all of the lessons you’ve learned along the way.
If we ‘get’ the lessons life teaches us……we don’t see it come back around again.
Thank you again for your courage to share.
To me, This is what LF is all about…..learning through others….and support along the way.
” sometimes God thumps us on the head. BUT if we ignore him, he gets out the 2×4.” Is that from Katy 11;19 ?
🙂
ErinBrock!
No… it was from KatyDid’s personal 9:11. (I’ve had enough 2×4’s to build the ark!)
Well…..at least you’ve got some buoyancy to float with now when needed huh?!!?!
Hiya Katie Did
I’m kind of ‘with you in some ways’ but a bit uncomfortable too with your last post – it’s a bit too much blaming the target for me. Of course i think that ‘being married’ is a major red flag, but a red flag amongst many I suppose. Am especially wanting to promote a bit of peace and luv after my little spat with Erin 72 who I’ve always liked v.much – and want to make sure that everyone is welcome on LF too.
I guess also I’m not a person with Christian beliefs and don’t feel comfortable with the concept of ‘right and wrong’ being too closely tied to the concept of a Christian God.
Sorry Wini and others who are deeply Christian, but something about this is jus a bit ‘off’ for me personally. It’s not the content more the ‘tone’ – maybe that’s my British ‘reticent’ style coming out.
If anything I’m a Bhuddist. Met the Dalai Llama once and it was a genuine feeling of being in the presence of an enlightened being. He made me laugh my ass off – but then I went home and cried alot.
Also had some strange spiritual experiences on the ‘burning ghats’ at Varansi in India. Worked as a volunteer in the places where peeps go to stay as they’re dying and Hindus believe they’ll depart the cycle of life and death if they die at Varanasi. Went every morning for a month to hear the ceremony and repetition of Bhudda’s 3000 yr old pearls of wisdom at the spot where he was supposed to have obtained ‘ping’ enlightenment. It’s pretty funky jus being somewhere that’s had a temple for 3000 yrs fer a start.
Anyway I digress. Don’t follow me on religious discussion I’ve not the patience and certainly don’t have the knowledge to debate it logically!!!
Anyway – I’m getting bored of the sound of my own voice today!
Much love to all LFrs
Delta 1
Okay ladies……EB’s gotta run and get her bouncy hair on.
I’m getting good at bouncy hair now! My gf hair stylist is thrilled!
Got a date!
Delta1-(nudge): I am sorry that I offended you by posting in capital letters this morning. I was angry. I’m sorry. One thing that I realized afterward is this–my emotions are very labile right now and I am not myself. I can’t do anything about it. I have post concussion syndrome. I am not trying to make excuses by telling you that but I will tell you that I do know from experience.
Back in 2005, I was in a relationship with a totally single and unattached person but I was being cheated on. This ex got into a car accident while going to visit “the other woman”. The ex was diagnosed with a concussion. I didn’t know at the time that I was being cheated on. I didn’t find out until the relationship ended. I thought everything was fine. My ex had also very labile emotions after the concussion. That night we had a disagreement over something small and stupid in he said some really mean and horrible things that came out of nowhere and then dumped me. I was upset but got over it. A month later when concussion symptoms subsided, ex realized that he made a big mistake and began begging to get me back. I refused. The hateful things that he said and admitting that he was cheating sealed it for me. I was not going to be treated like that. My point is that people with head injuries can act outside their usual behavior without meaning to. I believe that is why I was so strongly affected by Katydid and your consecutive posts asking me the same question. Now that I am calm and had some sleep, that is my assessment of the situation.
I am sorry that I offended you by yelling. I am going to say that this misunderstanding is between you and I and I am not going to entertain the several others who have chosen to jump in on it and go off on me. I am fully aware that prior to last night, you and I had a good relationship on here. I appreciate that you were really supportive of me. I would like to consider you a friend. I am sorry that I made you feel like “less a friend” because you are on-line. I wish you would understand that I have lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends over what I did. I don’t trust people very well right now-period. I don’t know if you have read many of my old posts on other threads but I want you to know that even though I have so much going for me, like I said on my prior post, I have terribly low self esteem. I have despised myself since I was 10 years old and now I am going on 38 next month. I am just learning HOW to like myself and that makes me not very good at making friends. I live in a city that I love but it’s far away from family-except my narcissistic drug addicted aunt who I don’t associate with anymore. I am very lonely because I don’t make friends well. I am not trying to make excuses but that is why I don’t trust people.
Prior to this malignant narcissist in my life, I was terribly naive and way too trusting. One thing that I learned from it is that people have to earn my trust. I would like to trust you as a friend. It just really hurt my feelings whe you said that I was blaming you and Katydid for what the spath did. It hurt and made me angry because it was true what I said in capital letters-he and I are the only ones responsible. I am grown and I own my mistakes.
As to the questions that were asked to me, I truly cannot answer them. They are too painful for me. I understand that those of you who were cheated on want the answers to those questions but I just can’t. Maybe someday I’ll be able to but now it is outside that realm of possibility for me. It has been 15 months since the discard. I was told that it will take minimum 18 month for me to get over this-because he and I were together for a year. I posted in other threads about what happened when he discarded me and I don’t have the emotional energy to repeat all of it but I will re-tell some of it.
He and I were together for a year. He told me that he wanted to be with me forever. At that point, he said that he couldn’t divorce her because financially she would clean him out completely. If she hadn’t gotten hold of his phone that night and found out about us, it is possible that we would still be together, although it was getting very painful for me that he was going home to her when he was talking about having a baby with me. I thank God now that she found out, but when it first happened, it was a disaster. I was about three weeks out from starting the police academy. The spath had supported through all that and was planning to be my support system throughout my training.
When she found out, she began repeatedly calling my cell and I wouldn’t answer it. I was totally freaked out and humiliated. I finally took her call because she had a crazy drunk friend from out of town who she also had calling my cell and threatening me. I didn’t know this woman. I was in tears when I spoke with her and told her how sorry I was. That’s when she informed me that he had done this to three other women prior to me. Her coward narcissist husband refused to talk to me. I heard her talking to him while we were on the phone. She told him–“A***, you are going to go over to this girl’s house and be with her. I am divorcing you and that is decided. You are going to be a man and go over and be with her because you devastated her”. She was feeling sorry for me. Hours later he shows up at my house and he’s crying and saying how he couldn’t believe he ruined everything. He couldn’t believe that he messed up his marriage and made me feel like HELL too. When she found his phone and found out, he lied to her. He said that I was just a nurse from work and that we were only friends. Here was his lie–He told her that I was a lesbian and that my girlfriend’s number was only one number off from his and that I was texting HER to tell her I loved her but I texted him by mistake–BULLSHIT! He had emailed me during the night and told me that this was the lie he told her and that will I please go along with it so she will believe it and everything will be fine. I refused to go along with the lie.
She called while he was at my house and demanded that we both write letters claiming our relationship so that she would have them for her attorney. She told me that if either one of use refused, so would go to both of our bosses and take us down. We both complied. She told him to come home and get his stuff out of the house. He showed back up hours letter with practically everything he owned-including three cats. His wife demanded he take them but refused to let him have the two dogs. He moved in with me. We were going to work this out. I knew he lied to me and we talked about going to counselling together. His emotions were all over the place. He got angry with her and was preparing for divorce as well. We started planning our lives together for after the divorce. He was going to live with me until the divorce was final and financially support me during the police academy, since the wife had blackmailed me into quitting my nursing job. I needed that job to support the paycut that I was taking for the academy. It took several weeks to come out of denial and finally see an attorney. He came home that weekend and we were looking forward to having it all to ourselves because he wasn’t on call at the hospital. He is a trauma surgeon. We were having a quiet dinner and he started crying and telling me about his visit with the attorney earlier that day. He got angry and said “that bitch is going to take me for all that I have”. I finally just held him and calmed him down. We spent a nice evening sitting in front of the TV watching Criminal Minds and planning for our future. He asked if he got the house would I be willing to live there? I told him I didn’t know and he agreed to table it until after the divorce. We went to bed, made love, and fell asleep tangled up in each other, as usual.
He woke up in the morning acting strange–very anxious. His phone rang and it was wife. They got into it. He said that he had to go over there because she demanded he fix the fence cuz the dogs got out again. She also demanded to have the cats back. I objected. It was our weekend. He promised that he would get home as soon as possible. He was gone for hours. I called him to tell him that he left the cat’s medicine here. He said he didn’t want to talk then cuz she was around. He was gone for hours and hours still. It was getting close to dinner and I was cooking for him. I called to ask when he was coming home and he said that he was coming, but he was getting all of his things and moving out. I begged him not to do it but he said it wasn’t up for discussion. I was hysterical and mad and crying my eyes out. I had all his things on the porch waiting for him when he showed up. Keep in mind that I had been completely taking care of this man for weeks-doing all his laundry, cooking, taking care of his cats-feeding them, litterbox, giving insulin injections for the diabetic one. I always through our relationship kept all of his white doctor coats, cleaned, pressed and starched to perfection, bringing him dinner and cold drinks when he was on call, bringing him coffee and breakfast. He showed up to get his things and was instantly-Mr. Hyde–screaming at me, calling me names, telling me that I was crazy and saying that he never loved me, he only used me for sex and that I was trash and he never wanted to see me again and yet I was begging him not to go and telling him how much I loved him.
Then he was gone. She was cuddling up to me by phone and email wanting me to testify in her divorce. Informed me that she had moved out of the house and that he was showing up at her work crying and begging her and bargaining with her to get her back. That’s when we had the discussion about why I was able to do what I did. I was devastated. Then she began telling me all the hateful things he said about me and she wanted to know what he had said about her. When I told her everything, she flipped out and then she became my enemy. That’s when she began threatening me. She threatened me for months until I changed my phone number and email.
I don’t want to talk about the drama anymore today. I want this out of my life. I am working on getting my life back the way I want it. I am getting my integrity and my honor back.
Erin1972!!!
I read your post, and esp this: I want this out of my life. I am working on getting my life back the way I want it. I am getting my integrity and my honor back.
GOOD for you. Bravo. You MUST know that you deserve better. Not hope for or maybe better. KNOW it with every fiber of your being that you DESERVE BETTER.
You already know what HE was. You can’t do anything about him. I am so happy he is out of your life.
But like the rest of us, you have grown into something other, something MORE, and b/c of that, you have a unique gift for everyone you touch in this world.
Whenever you get upset, remember WHO you are and embrace yourself as a woman of new knowledge and renewed integrity and honor.
When I was upset, it was hard for me to remember WHO I was. I had what others might think a silly solution, but it worked for me. (hey! I was alone! And a wierdo, so yep, it was silly…!)
My solution:
1) music – a cd played ONLY at upset times
2) a doll, a Mini-me to tell her what I claimed for myself: my dignity, my compassion, my self responsibility, etc. To my Mini-me, I gave compassion b/c for a long time, I couldn’t feel any for myself. I did the Mini-me and music routine until I could tell myself directly. Silly, isn’t it. A doll? As old as I am? But it got through my brain via the back door. Find what works for you. You’ve paid a terrible price, now is the time to STOP punishing yourself AND like you said, you’re working on getting your life the way YOU want it.
I am so happy to read your growth into a woman who is “being someone other”. Bravo.
Delta1,
I wasn’t trying to get religious, only that I have formed my own philosophy with God as a lifecoach. Taking stock of Personal self responsibility is part of it.
It’s NOT Blame-the-victim (remembering the cheated on is victimized by s-path and the honey) but growing as a human includes accepting (not denying) the full scope of all behaviors (yep. was HARD for me to accept that I participated in my own abuse but TRUE nevertheless!), learn the lesson (hopefully the first time. I was someone who repeated the repeated the repeated), CHOOSE better, and restore compassion and caring.
When I stopped participating in my own abuse, my s-path lost his control over me.
KatyDid, who is not so religious as philosophical.
OX Drover!
Hey! Well, the only thing we can count on is change!
I am transitioning from Southern Belle to Prairie Pioneeress. For the labors it took to get here, you’d have thought I came by Conestoga Wagon!
My son has announced to his father that he will staying here. It was a harsh but astoundingly mature conversation. The kid is a ROCK.
The past is somewhere in a farm field far, far away in a place that looks nothing like this. I literally can not recall the man whose presence and subsequent departure provoked all of it. Yes, in every respect I am far from where I was. Worlds away.
Its is my doing and the doing of fate and circumstance. I am here not there and that is what it is. Sometimes I wonder about the forces that carry us from point to point through life. There are strange rivers in deed. There is also an old Indian Curse that says they who come to this place will never leave. I wonder if maybe that isn’t what brought me back. Well, its the romantic approach to telling the story. that is for sure…
The world is nothing like it was. And the world is real – earth, sun and GOATHEADS… they are the gnarliest damn weeds! Can puncture car tires! No more barefoot contessa for me!
There is no time to muse over the insult. Life’s moving too fast and every minute is filled with immediate action. It hasn’t stopped since my son arrived. We’ve been in high gear for over a month.
Will it ever slow down? Einstein would say no. Me, I’m willing to bet I get a break and a brandy by the fire when the snow flies…
Really sorry to hear about your dog. My son wants to get another one. He wants a GSD and I’m up for that.
If I had a second to look back, I’d be reminded of an old song by Elizabeth Cotton – “Oh Lordy me, didn’t we shake Sugaree”….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urgDb-XvHxg&feature=related