Dear Ms. Abedin,
People are perplexed. Your husband, Anthony Weiner, has humiliated you again. Yet at a press conference last week, you continued to support him, and his candidacy for mayor of New York City. “I love him. I have forgiven him. I believe in him,” you said.
Why would you do this? Speculation by media pundits, New York City voters and average citizens usually follows three themes:
- You want to keep your family together at all costs.
- You believe you can help your husband overcome his problems.
- You are a political animal and will do anything to get your husband elected.
Read: Why does Huma Abedin put up with Weiner?, on CNN.com.
I don’t know you personally, and what I know of your situation comes only from watching you and Weiner in televised interviews and from media reports. But what I see and read is uncomfortably familiar, so I think there is another explanation for your actions.
Your humiliation
Anthony Weiner was once a congressman from New York. But in 2011, less than a year into your marriage, he sent a photo of his crotch to his 45,000 Twitter followers. It was a mistake, because he meant to send it to a woman with whom he was having an online affair—while you were pregnant with his child. First he claimed his Twitter account was hacked. He finally had no choice but to admit the truth—it was him. He did it. Weiner resigned in disgrace from Congress on June 16, 2011
Then, he did it again.
Last week, Sydney Leathers, a young woman from Indiana revealed that she had an online affair with Weiner. According to TheDirty.com, Leathers first started talking to him in July 2012 after he resigned from Congress, after you had forgiven him and after he sought therapy. By August your husband was having regular phone sex with the girl—telling her that he loved her and would buy her a condo in Chicago. By November 2012, the relationship “began to fizzle out.”
Leathers wasn’t the only one. At another press conference last week, Weiner admitted he sexted three women after he resigned from Congress. Why would he behave in a manner that is not only disrespectful to you and your marriage, but downright stupid?
Ms. Abedin, your husband has a problem that won’t be solved by therapy. He has a personality disorder. He is a sociopath.
Sociopathic behavior
If you’re like most people, you may think that a sociopath is a serial killer. This is occasionally true, but in reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone.
Sociopaths have enormous egos, inflated self-esteem and an unbelievable sense of entitlement. They are smooth talkers, and prolific liars. They are sexually promiscuous. They are aggressive, impulsive, reckless, and when caught behaving badly, defiant. Does this sound familiar?
Sociopaths blame others for everything, including their own bad behavior. Your husband did, after all, blame his sexting on “a rough time” in your marriage. In other words, it was your fault that he was forced to seek companionship elsewhere. This is, I assure you, typical sociopathic justification.
You are the perfect target
You may think that the people who are exploited by sociopaths get in trouble because they aren’t very smart or suffer from low self-esteem. Again, this is occasionally true. But research by Dr. Liane Leedom shows that women who love sociopaths share three distinctive traits:
1. Extraversion. Extraverted women are competitive, outgoing, action-oriented, curious, ambitious, excitement-seeking and sometimes impulsive. They like men who have the same qualities.
2. Invested in relationships. Personal relationships are very important, and the source of great satisfaction. These women are sentimental and attach deeply to the people they care about.
3. Cooperativeness. Cooperative women are empathetic, tolerant and value getting along with others. They are willing to compromise their own interests for the big picture including the ambitions of their mates.
Again, I don’t know you personally, but from what I’ve read, I’ll bet that these traits describe you.
The seduction
Sociopaths are exploiters. They look for people who have something that they want. You certainly had plenty that a man with unbridled political ambition would want. Not only are you smart and beautiful, but as an important assistant to Hillary Clinton, you have access to power. Real power.
Once Anthony Weiner set his sights on you, he probably followed the sociopathic playbook to win you. Typically they engage in love bombing showering you with attention and affection, wanting to be with you all the time, engaging in over-the-top displays of devotion.
Maureen Dowd reported, “Weiner wooed Huma assiduously, showing up at the Westchester airport in the wee hours to pick her up when she came back from trips with Hillary.”
I imagine that Weiner also painted a glowing picture of your future together, how successful the two of you would be, and all the wonderful things he could do for the public, with you at his side. I heard a similar story from my sociopathic ex-husband.
Here’s one of the most insidious ways in which sociopaths snag you: They find out what your dreams are, and then promise to make them come true. Except they can’t, and eventually it all comes crashing down.
Asking for forgiveness
After the first sexting scandal, I assume your husband put on quite a show of sorrow and remorse. He probably apologized profusely, perhaps with tears rolling down his cheeks. He had some plausible but lame excuse maybe the fact that you were pregnant. He promised to seek therapy. He swore he would never do it again.
You, being your own woman, were furious. But as a woman invested in relationships, and with a child on the way, you probably felt like the right thing to do was believe that your husband would keep his word and stay in your marriage. You worked through your anger for the good of your family, and for both of your careers.
While my ex-husband was burning through all of my cash and credit pursuing his dreams of entrepreneurial success, I asked myself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because his business plans aren’t working out?” So perhaps you asked yourself, “What kind of wife leaves her husband because of stupid texts?”
The texts are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. The real problem Anthony Weiner’s personality disorder cannot be solved.
Trust is gone
I imagine that by now, your trust in Anthony Weiner is gone. As it should be.
I imagine that Anthony Weiner pressured you into appearing at that press conference with him. (By the way, Jim McGreevey did the same thing to his wife, Dina, when he gave his “I am a gay American” speech. McGreevey is not gay. He is also a sociopath.)
I imagine that once again, Anthony Weiner is doing everything he can to make sure you don’t leave him. He is displaying over-the-top love and affection. He is begging your forgiveness. He is promising that with you at his side, he will be elected, and then the two of you will do so much to make life better for the citizens of New York City. He is appealing for your help to overcome his character flaws.
Ms. Abedin, there is no rehabilitation for a sociopath. Your husband will never be honest, forthright, caring and monogamous.
I am so sorry for the embarrassment you have suffered. I hope this information helps you to decide what is best for you to do now.
Donna…WELL Said!! Eloquent, lucid and accurate.
Your angst at the fact that this beautiful accomplished lady has been victimized after being deliberately targeted comes through clearly. Wish I could somehow get this piece in her inbox….
My heart hurts for her….
When our LF readers say we can empathize boy do we ever mean it!!!!
Every word of this may be perfectly true. Sadly, whether Huma Abedin is willing to believe it of her husband is another matter entirely!
Some readers may recognize this line from Sherlock Holmes. In this particular tale, Holmes had discovered that the man who was wooing his female client had been deceiving her. Holmes dealt with this scoundrel in person, but unusually for him, he did not reveal to his client what he had found out about her suitor. This could have left Holmes open to the charge of failing to fulfill all his duties to his client. However, he explained this omission to Watson with the line quoted above, implying it would be futile to enlighten the lady because
This truth is reflected time and time again in real life. Countless people have found that when a person—not just a “woman” either; men are much the same—is “in love” with someone who is “no good” for one reason or another, that’s the last thing they want to hear about their beloved! The well-meaning friend who tries to open their eyes to reality is likely to find himself or herself very unpopular.
Hafiz implied more than mere refusal to believe, and that the unwelcome messenger was likely to be “shot” as well. This is a fate that Holmes may also have been anxious to avoid. That story of course was fiction, but this particular peril was reflected in real life by the experience of Dr. Robert Hare for one.
In Without Conscience, Dr. Hare related how a woman he knew became enamored with a man she’d met at that most respectable of venues, her church. This man appeared just as respectable himself, boasting good business skills in addition. The woman was contemplating a large investment in one of his business ventures. But as luck would have it, this man claimed to have graduated from the same university as Dr. Hare. When Hare met him and tried to share experiences of that hall of learning, he began to suspect that the man had never been there. A swift check revealed not only that his old alma mater had never heard of the fellow, but that he was a swindler wanted in several countries.
Finding his cover blown, this bunco artist did a rapid exit stage left and was last seen heading for the tall timber. Nobody will be surprised at the disillusionment felt by the lady he’d been romancing. However, anyone might reasonably have expected her to feel grateful to Dr. Hare for saving her from what was demonstrably a disastrous mistake. On the contrary, the good Doctor reported that she was angry at him for “destroying her fantasy world.”
Conan Doyle was right. There is indeed sense in Hafiz, and all too often no good deed goes unpunished.
Robert M. Sapolsky suspects Weiner is a sociopath as well. Sapolsky is a professor of biology and neurology, so he has relevant expertise. Here’s his article from last Saturday’s Wall Street Journal, 27 July:
The Appeal of Embarrassment
Redwald – perhaps the key difference is that Huma Abedin has already seen Weiner’s atrocious behavior.
Many Lovefraud readers have had the experience of trying to warn the next victim, but the victim doesn’t believe the warning – until they experience the bad behavior for themselves.
Many other Lovefraud readers have told me that once they realize that there is a reason for the atrocious behavior – that the person has a personality disorder – everything starts to make sense. The disconnect between words and actions, the lies, the manipulation, the inexplicable actions – realizing that the person is a sociopath often makes all the difference in the world, and is the first step towards healing.
Hello all,
Donna, this is an excellent letter. It systematically breaks down each facet of the situation and the anticipated responses by a man who is most certainly a sociopath. I think that your comments about understanding the reason ie: personality disorder, shows an integral part of healing through acceptance and understanding.
Redwald points out another interesting element- denial. It does seem as though some victims turn the other way when they have plenty of information to come to a conclusion on their own, and there are probably many reasons for wanting to continue the ‘fantasy world’ they have created. Maybe, as chaotic and crazy as their world appears to everyone else, to the victim, there may be a sense of comfort in the familiar. And the fear of the fallout and unknown repercussions may be greater than those of their predictable (albeit tremendously unhealthy) world.
And maybe I can introduce a third possibility. What we see in the news is a collection of evidence compiled in a tidy package meant for greatest shock value, but in my experience, I received information more like a slow leak that was easily ‘cleaned up’ and rationalized bit by bit. As dramatic as the events may have been, it seems sociopaths can talk their way out of anything when they are one-on-one, face-to-face with someone they know intimately. When each piece has been put in a place that the mind accepts, it actually takes a lot to bring them all back together to see the big picture. Maybe Huma Abedin is still seeing things through the warped reasoning of her husband. If he can get up in front of the cameras and nonchalantly suggest there will be more photos coming out, so don’t be surprised, as if he’s doing a good thing by forewarning, as if the pictures aren’t of him, imagine how he can twist and manipulate the woman who is most vested in the relationship and the mother of his young child, no less.
My psychologist gave me an assignment, he wanted me to dissect a post by the latespath line by line. It took me 5 days of work to write him back. I have never felt such pain and hurt as I did, doing this. I got physically sick, nauseous, light headed, actually on the verge of tears ( I have not been able to cry in decades).
It forced me to see the latespath, as he saw himself, line by line. To accept or contradict his every word.
I had to be honest, I couldn’t bury my head in the sand any longer. Deny what happened. I had to face the misery I am living because of his actions.
It was similar to what Donna did in this post.
It would be a very positive thing if Huma Abedin would read the post and then write her answer to Donna’s post line by line. She would be forced to see Anthony for what he is, to realize how he is destroying her bit by bit. To see the truth word by word. To see the fantasy that he is constructing and welcoming her to live in.
Donna right on! Thank you helping, even after almost 5 years, I still need it.
Today’s Daily News has a chilling interview with Anthony Weiner. The photos of Weiner are just as disturbing.
He talks about bring dishonor on his wife, how his sexting was a distant event.
More importantly he dismisses his actions in terms of the voters, saying that they don’t care about him as a person, only as a politician.
Yep, definitely a spath. Please Huma, open your eyes. While all of this is in the public, that is not a reason. You have your own life, live it for you, not rationalizing, making excuses.
In my opinion people are taking the Weiner situation FAR TOO SERIOUSLY!
A lot of adults “sext;” at present Weiner isn’t an elected official so if he’s performing these activities without the knowledge and consent of his wife then that is a private matter between the two of them; assuming he has not been in contact with anyone under age eighteen.
He was an elected congressman and resigned due to the fallout from the first sexting in 2011. It’s a repeat pattern.
When you run for elected office, your entire life becomes an open book available for the scrutiny of the public.
Privacy and secrecy are things that many spaths depend on. As long as they feel secure that no one will expose them (no pun intended), tattle on them, they feel invincible and act accordingly.
Donna, is it possible he’s a narcissist and not a sociopath? I know the dividing line is blurry here, but do we really know enough about their relationship behind closed doors to suspect that he’s a sociopath?
I agree with moonwave.
One more thing: There was an interesting article in July 22’s New York magazine (published before the other sexting scandal came out) where he says he “feels like a character in Blue Velvet” which I thought was a very bizarre thing to publicly say for someone who is running for political office. I know New Yorkers are open-minded, but hey…
What a hoot! I don’t suppose Weiner said WHICH character in Blue Velvet he had in mind? (I’m thinking “Frank,” naturally!) 😀
He could be right. “Things” do have a habit of popping unexpectedly out of the closet and hitting him publicly in the face, so to speak… threatening to put paid to his career!