Editor’s note: The following essay was contributed to Lovefraud by Kenneth Royce at www.javelinpress.com. Ken discovered that a “friend” was a pathological liar, serial thief and con artist. “Though he made off with over $10,000 of my property in a very complicated scam,” Ken says, “it’s had the ironic benefit of outing him for the sociopath he is, and thus warning many other unsuspecting people.”
Autostereograms produce an illusion of depth using only a single image. The image is usually generated by computer, by repeating a narrow pattern from left to right. By decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations, a viewer is able to trick the brain into seeing a 3D scene.
How to see a 3D autostereogram
With your face about six inches from the image, look through it as though it were a window (and your trying to see something beyond it) and then move slowly back (keep the same beyond focus). You will see a 3D image come into view.
This is called “parallel viewing” because your eyes are unfocusing slightly (i.e., diverging towards parallel) as if seeing something beyond the 2D image. The muscles inside your eye that control the focusing lens relax. Various autostereograms are at www.vision3d.com.
The sociopath’s autostereogram
Sociopaths train the unsuspecting to see differently. They train us to see the autostereogram image of their story.
Of their lie.
The mind muscle that controls mental focus is coaxed into relaxing. In the hands of an experienced sociopath, we do this unknowingly. Their goal is for us to transpose reality (the flat 2D nature of their shallow lives) for a mirage (their fictitious 3D image of accomplishment, success, bravery, generosity, integrity, etc.).
We are taught to not only see their mirage, but transpose it for reality—and keep transposing it until we forget what the reality ever was. The more relaxed your focus, the more intense and real the mirage will become.
Another helpful parallel is that once you’ve seen a particular autostereogram several times, it is much quicker to see that image than any new autostereogram. You’ve conditioned your mind to expect what it has already seen, and you will almost instantly bypass the 2D for the 3D.
You now seek the lie. Over time, and without conscious effort, you will
routinely forsake reality for a mirage.
You can blink, or even close your eyes for several seconds, and not lose the mirage because”¦you’ve…retained…it…in…your…mind. Your focus has become so casually relaxed that you’ve lost focus altogether.
To act within this mirage as if it were reality will confuse your friends and family, and they will question your judgment, loyalty, and even sanity.
At that point, you are fully operating within the sociopath’s construct, a dreamworld created solely for his enjoyment and benefit. He controls the rules and pace of the game, and thus the outcome.
He takes. You give. He wins. You lose. That is the probable outcome, and you won’t figure out that you’ve even lost until long afterwards. It may take months or even years to fully realize the hugeness of the lie you lived in. Once you do, you will be ashamed at what you retrospectively see as your own foolish trust.
How do I avoid the sociopath’s mirage?
By knowing how it feels when your mind’s focus is being relaxed. It’s a brief odd sensation, like putting on somebody else’s glasses. If you comport yourself past that sensation, you will lose your own focus. Remember, “decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations” is the 3D trick.
This odd sensation is your B.S. detector, especially when they are acting.
The “Hey, wait a minute!” reaction is your subconscious trying to get your active attention that something is wrong, untruthful, contradictory, dangerous, or even evil. Whenever “something doesn’t add up”…trust it!
Whenever you feel it, immediately stop listening to the speaker, mentally step back and regain perspective. Instantly challenge the prima facie untruthful and exaggerated. Don’t be shy—cry Bullsh*t! Seek independent corroboration. Consult with his/her former friends, lovers, business partners, etc. Sociopaths usually have extremely bad credit.
Keep your eyes open. It is possible to spot them before they strike. Selective distrust is the parent of security.
Once you’ve confidently identified a likely sociopath, coolly disengage ALL contact, and quietly warn others to beware.
What if I’m already in the mirage? How do I get out?
The sociopath’s 3D lie can only be seen from only one vantage point—the one you’ve been slyly placed at (through trust and gullibility) and subsequently anchored to (through familiarity and loyalty). If you shift (even slightly) your perspective…the image will vanish.
Usually, somebody will say that one thing that finally jolts the return of your mental focus—if only momentarily. The mirage will then vanish, if only momentarily, and that is your chance to maintain your focus by piecing together the lies told to you.
These mirages are fragile things. They require constant vigilance by the sociopath to maintain the viewer’s limited perspective and relaxed focus. (This is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can do only one or the other.)
Escaping from the sociopath’s mirage and returning to reality is an uncomfortable process. It will take much time for your mind to reorient itself. This often engenders considerable confusion.
Time away from the sociopath can allow your mind to regain its focus, but usually that isn’t enough. You will need the surrogate focus of your friends and family who haven’t been fooled by the mirage. Give what they say (no matter how painful or embarrassing) a chance, and hear them out.
Contact others who have been conned by the same sociopath; you will validate each other and this is incredibly relieving and comforting. Soon, the mirage will no longer have any influence over you, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed it at all.
My hunch is that one’s opportunity of seeing through a sociopath is most keen at the very beginning. Once you’ve let your mind go “cross-eyed” in order to “see”/believe the lie, it’s too late. You’ve already reprogrammed your vision by then to see differently, which makes seeing the truth very difficult. A good jolt is usually required to “snap out of it,” but by then the damage has already been done.
The eyes see only what the mind has prepared itself to observe. “Hear hoof beats. Expect horses, not zebras,” as sci-fi author Robert Heinlein once wrote.
In short, people see clearly only at the very beginning, or at the very end—and very rarely during the middle.
You’ll avoid incalculable grief if you learn how to consistently see clearly from the beginning.
Common Law Copyright 2007, Kenneth Royce. All Rights Reserved.
This is an interesting and useful analogy far better than the genetic explanations as this offers us behavioral and cognitive resources from which we might rescue ourselves! It is extremely useful.
I really like the insight into the fact that it is impossible for the mind to simultaneously pity someone yet suspect deceit! This is a breakthrough concept, at least for me. And it makes perfect sense that it is impossible to pity someone and maintain your own defenses at the same time.
I too was amazed at this analogy…It was an interesting perspective on the mind of the sociopath and how they target their innocent victims.
It brought me back to my relationship with my sociopath and how clouded my sense of reality was. At times I could not believe the things that my sociopath took for granted and had no hesitations in asking me for. The main thing being money and clothes. He felt entittled to things and I couldn’t believe his audacity!
He didn’t work and I paid all the bills yet expected to go out for drinks, get new clothes, get cigarettes ect… In my world it is common knowledge that if you personally can not afford things than you don’t do or get them its as simple as that.
I started to think that I was crazy. That this person had the balls to ask me for these things. Esp after all the hell and drama he had put me threw already.
I guess the sociopaths no chalant manner is a mind blower. you think how can they think this is normal. In turn this throws our mind for a loop.
Brilliant!
And I agree that (despite all the pain) the whole experience has benefited me in a way…
BUT I’ve been a bit reluctant about “outing” my conman to others in too big a way due to a fear of reprisal from him. I know I have a moral responsibility to do so, but on the other hand I’ve “suffered enough”.
What are other people’s experiences regarding this aspect of things? Do they tend to retaliate if you expose them? I’ve analysed and analysed my sociopath and tend to think he’d just disappear from this area never to be seen or heard of again, but I need to be more certain.
They the conmen, are like cockroaches, when you out-ed them you shine a light and they, the conmen scatter from the light like cockroaches, running for cover of darkness.
Use a flashlight of truth and the con man, like the cockroach, will run away from you not toward you.
The con man lives for the 9 out of 10 humans that will not make waves, fight back or out-ed him, the con. It is the 1 in 10 that will speak out that the con man fears the most. Attys have told me drug dealers have money reserves just to legally defend themselves from the 1 in 10 cops, citizens and prosecutors, people in general that the cons cannot intimidate with thier bully and buffalo threats or silence with bribes. If you speak out the con will avoid you like cockroaches avoid the light.
THIS is very interesting. Funnily enough, the days that this blog topic was started and discussed (20-26 May) is very significant for me. I got in my car and drove away from my psycho on 18th May after a three week period of intense emotional trauma. (long story which I will post in due course) The confusion and mental anxiety was unbelievable.
This explanation of the sociopath’s autostereogram life made a lot of sense to me and now appears as one more bizarre thing about my experience (I was in the twilight zone!!) . My psycho actually creates similar images of the 3D visuals as her profession. Astounding beauty created by using crystals in kaleidoscopes are her “bait”. Colourful patterned images are projected onto the human body in the name of “healing”. She has recently, in the past two months, teamed up with a Hypnotist. She is targetting children with learning disorders (ADD, ADHD, etc) through the schools ….. Why would a Hypnotist be brought in as her counterpart? … Yes, I do have access to a contact list of every school in the country and yes, I will be sending an email to each one recommending that a strict policy is implemented to validate and verify the credentials of any people visiting the schools. I do know that she has no legitimate credentials of her ‘profession’ and with some luck her intentions will be halted!!
I am adhering to the No Contact policy but I don’t need to contact her anyway. Sometimes the anonymity of the internet is a blessing 😉
Going back over these archives I am finding so many wonderful essays and comments upon them.
My son C, whose psychopathic X wife of 8 yrs tried to kill him when he discovered her affair with the P “of her dreams” who is also in prison at the present time, she just got out and their divorce is final.
Son C, though knowing that his P-brother, my son, is a psychopath is having some difficulty realizing that his X-wife is also one, and that she had been conning him from the start of their relationship. He met her on the internet at a particularly vulnerable time in his life.
She has so many of the “traits” of the garden-variety disordered personality, but not all, and I gravitate and swing between Borderline PD or Psychopath PD, but which “clinical” diagnosis she has isn’t really all that important in the end, as the over all view of deceit, theft, attempted murder, etc are all there. Enough that she did 7 months in jail and pled out with 5 yrs probation while her lover got 3 years in jail on a plea as a felon in possession of a hand gun. The overworked DAs office dropped the other charges for a plea.
The autostereogam analogy is very real, I also call them “holograms” and someone on a post on a blog called them “Hollow-grams” which I thought was very clever, and so true.
In my own acknowledgment of the Ps in my life (several in my immediate FOO) it has been very difficult to “label” them all for me emotionally. But there comes a point that to not do so makes you in great need of a “reality check.” Until you finally get to the point that you can get out of denial and accept the REALITY that the IMAGE is NOT REAL, you can’t “fix’ the problem by NC…which is the only FIX available.
You know it’s funny the sociopath loves autosterograms. He even thought a workshop on them! Ha-ha!
This makes so much sense to me. It is the best analogy I have seen/read to describe the “fog”. It’s like when something happens and you know it doesn’t feel right and you react in a negative way, knowing in your mind that they are snowing you yet the pity ploy and tears and lies appeal to your heart. It just makes me feel more human right now for feeling sorry for him each time he cried and lied to me and I believed him. Understanding this helps me to forgive myself. This is the part that is so psychologically dangerous that is not easily explained to ourselves let alone others. It’s how ANYONE can be conned regardless of our IQ, EQ, or SAT score!!
This helps.
AMAZING analogy. That’s it, thats exactly how it feels. At the end I started crying BS, he didn’t like that. It feels good to know at least at some points I raged at him, confident, my old self, saying “NO, thats not true, that doesn’t even make sense!”
KeepingFaith and Eliza – I am glad to see this thread again, this helped me so much when I read it almost a year ago. I thought I was living in the twilight zone and in a way I was, but reading this article helped so much, and one sentence hit the nail on the head ” It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously feel pity, yet suspect deceit at the same time, the mind can only do one or the other ” and I think the spath’s must know this and they use this tactic to mess with are mind’s…