Editor’s note: The following essay was contributed to Lovefraud by Kenneth Royce at www.javelinpress.com. Ken discovered that a “friend” was a pathological liar, serial thief and con artist. “Though he made off with over $10,000 of my property in a very complicated scam,” Ken says, “it’s had the ironic benefit of outing him for the sociopath he is, and thus warning many other unsuspecting people.”
Autostereograms produce an illusion of depth using only a single image. The image is usually generated by computer, by repeating a narrow pattern from left to right. By decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations, a viewer is able to trick the brain into seeing a 3D scene.
How to see a 3D autostereogram
With your face about six inches from the image, look through it as though it were a window (and your trying to see something beyond it) and then move slowly back (keep the same beyond focus). You will see a 3D image come into view.
This is called “parallel viewing” because your eyes are unfocusing slightly (i.e., diverging towards parallel) as if seeing something beyond the 2D image. The muscles inside your eye that control the focusing lens relax. Various autostereograms are at www.vision3d.com.
The sociopath’s autostereogram
Sociopaths train the unsuspecting to see differently. They train us to see the autostereogram image of their story.
Of their lie.
The mind muscle that controls mental focus is coaxed into relaxing. In the hands of an experienced sociopath, we do this unknowingly. Their goal is for us to transpose reality (the flat 2D nature of their shallow lives) for a mirage (their fictitious 3D image of accomplishment, success, bravery, generosity, integrity, etc.).
We are taught to not only see their mirage, but transpose it for reality—and keep transposing it until we forget what the reality ever was. The more relaxed your focus, the more intense and real the mirage will become.
Another helpful parallel is that once you’ve seen a particular autostereogram several times, it is much quicker to see that image than any new autostereogram. You’ve conditioned your mind to expect what it has already seen, and you will almost instantly bypass the 2D for the 3D.
You now seek the lie. Over time, and without conscious effort, you will
routinely forsake reality for a mirage.
You can blink, or even close your eyes for several seconds, and not lose the mirage because”¦you’ve…retained…it…in…your…mind. Your focus has become so casually relaxed that you’ve lost focus altogether.
To act within this mirage as if it were reality will confuse your friends and family, and they will question your judgment, loyalty, and even sanity.
At that point, you are fully operating within the sociopath’s construct, a dreamworld created solely for his enjoyment and benefit. He controls the rules and pace of the game, and thus the outcome.
He takes. You give. He wins. You lose. That is the probable outcome, and you won’t figure out that you’ve even lost until long afterwards. It may take months or even years to fully realize the hugeness of the lie you lived in. Once you do, you will be ashamed at what you retrospectively see as your own foolish trust.
How do I avoid the sociopath’s mirage?
By knowing how it feels when your mind’s focus is being relaxed. It’s a brief odd sensation, like putting on somebody else’s glasses. If you comport yourself past that sensation, you will lose your own focus. Remember, “decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations” is the 3D trick.
This odd sensation is your B.S. detector, especially when they are acting.
The “Hey, wait a minute!” reaction is your subconscious trying to get your active attention that something is wrong, untruthful, contradictory, dangerous, or even evil. Whenever “something doesn’t add up”…trust it!
Whenever you feel it, immediately stop listening to the speaker, mentally step back and regain perspective. Instantly challenge the prima facie untruthful and exaggerated. Don’t be shy—cry Bullsh*t! Seek independent corroboration. Consult with his/her former friends, lovers, business partners, etc. Sociopaths usually have extremely bad credit.
Keep your eyes open. It is possible to spot them before they strike. Selective distrust is the parent of security.
Once you’ve confidently identified a likely sociopath, coolly disengage ALL contact, and quietly warn others to beware.
What if I’m already in the mirage? How do I get out?
The sociopath’s 3D lie can only be seen from only one vantage point—the one you’ve been slyly placed at (through trust and gullibility) and subsequently anchored to (through familiarity and loyalty). If you shift (even slightly) your perspective…the image will vanish.
Usually, somebody will say that one thing that finally jolts the return of your mental focus—if only momentarily. The mirage will then vanish, if only momentarily, and that is your chance to maintain your focus by piecing together the lies told to you.
These mirages are fragile things. They require constant vigilance by the sociopath to maintain the viewer’s limited perspective and relaxed focus. (This is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can do only one or the other.)
Escaping from the sociopath’s mirage and returning to reality is an uncomfortable process. It will take much time for your mind to reorient itself. This often engenders considerable confusion.
Time away from the sociopath can allow your mind to regain its focus, but usually that isn’t enough. You will need the surrogate focus of your friends and family who haven’t been fooled by the mirage. Give what they say (no matter how painful or embarrassing) a chance, and hear them out.
Contact others who have been conned by the same sociopath; you will validate each other and this is incredibly relieving and comforting. Soon, the mirage will no longer have any influence over you, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed it at all.
My hunch is that one’s opportunity of seeing through a sociopath is most keen at the very beginning. Once you’ve let your mind go “cross-eyed” in order to “see”/believe the lie, it’s too late. You’ve already reprogrammed your vision by then to see differently, which makes seeing the truth very difficult. A good jolt is usually required to “snap out of it,” but by then the damage has already been done.
The eyes see only what the mind has prepared itself to observe. “Hear hoof beats. Expect horses, not zebras,” as sci-fi author Robert Heinlein once wrote.
In short, people see clearly only at the very beginning, or at the very end—and very rarely during the middle.
You’ll avoid incalculable grief if you learn how to consistently see clearly from the beginning.
Common Law Copyright 2007, Kenneth Royce. All Rights Reserved.
QUOTE HENRY: (and Ox)“sometimes we have to be willing to let go of the life we had planned and start living the life that is waiting on us”
Thanks guys, this IS a great article!!!! And what Henry said about giving up the life we had planned, and holding on to the one that we HAVE AND IS WAITING FOR US.
I read the original article and the comments (others comments and my own from back when) and I got to thinking about 99% of my grief has been over WANTING SOMETHING and not getting it…and unfortunately, what I wanted was NOT SOMETHING IN MY CONTROL. The things I wanted so badly and didn’t get and grieved over so much were ALL things in other people’s control, not mine.
NOW I am doing my best not to let my “happiness” depend on something happening that is OUT OF MY CONTROL…I wanted grandkids and had this vision of what my life would be like with these fantasy grandkids to play with—-duh! Well, having grandkids is not something in my control. Pinning my happiness on having these kids is pinning my happiness on something I can NOT control or make happen.
Actually, I realize now, I spent so much of my time living in the FUTURE in this FANTASY world I might as well have been playing WOW on line….I ignored the TRUE things, the REAL life around me, and “lived” in that future FANTASY WORLD instead. LOL
Now, I’m doing my best to enjoy the day to day, mundane, REAL world around me, and savor the small things in life that I enjoy!
I don’t look toward the future much any more with “Boy, I can’t wait until X happens” and I seldom if ever think, “boy, I’d really be happy if I had an X or if X happened” I also don’t spend a great deal of time feeling disappointed that I didn’t do X, Y or Z before now, or that it didn’t come true. Just being in the NOW and making plans for next week rather than next decade seems to fit me and where I am in this stage of life.
Realizing that whatever happens on the OUTSIDE OF ME, the inside of me is going to be okay and do what it needs to do to take care of me. That’s a long distance from where I was, with all of my happiness and well being depending on someone else.
Being able to focus my eyes and mind on what is real versus what the fantasy is also helps.
One step OH MY this is one of my favorite threads – it explained so much about the mind and the mind games they play on us. I can remember catching him red handed at doing something evil to me and before it was all over I WAS THE ONE APOLOGIZING AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS for something he had done, all because of that pity game he played…he really was playing with my brains like play dooh.
Ox werent we engaged back when this thread first came up? Well that never worked out so you can be my granny – hows that?
BE your GRANNY my arse! We are STILL ENGAGED! If you ever go straight, your arse is MINE and don’t you forget it. I ain’t holdin’ my breath though! LOL Besides I ain’t that much older’n you, ya old fart! And you’ve got more gray hair than I have anyway. LOL
Yea it is a great article. And we’ve come a long way, Mr. Henry, since we logged on to LF haven’t we!?
Yes we sure have you old fartress….
Ox,
I wonder if just small part of your ability to live in the present and not looking so much to the future arises from being retired? Do you know what I mean? It’s a genuine question.
I worry A LOT about the future and what I’m going to do because I HAVE too. I have children still left to raise and I need to either shit or get off the pot about school or work or SOMETHING so I can take care of them. I think this is one of the reasons that I feel so overwhelmed in this process. I feel VERY tired and unmotivated about my future, yet feel very pressured to get er done!
There doesn’t seem to be a gray area on this one???
LL
It isn’t just about being retired–because everyone, retired or not needs a REASON to get up in the morning, something to DO and enjoy. I have to make plans for the future of my security just like you do….how will I have enough money to live on? Where am I going to live? I can’t sell my home until my egg donor dies because my husband and I tied it up with the TRUST that includes the farm and until she dies, it can’t be divided….protects me in a way, but also keeps me tied down. So I can’t rent or sell my home until after she dies, so if the P son gets out of prison and she brings him back here to live on the farm??????? Now that’s a scary thought!!! I will fight that but it COULD happen. But I don’t LIVE IN THAT TERROR OR FEAR. I also don’t live in a fantasy world, but I do MAKE PLANS. That’s a big difference in looking at the future as a “I”ll be happy when….” or “I need to make PLANS for the future…” Planning on going back to school so you can get a better job is a PLAN (I hope) not a FANTASY of “I’ll be happy when I get out of school.”
After my divorce I had lots of skills but nothing that would really support me and so I went back to college and finished up with a kid on each hip, cleaning houses between classes, and scraping by but I got my degree and certification as Advanced Practice Nurse and it supported me and the kids. I’m not sure how I did it, going to school, supporting myself and the kids, trying to heal and help them heal from the abandonment of their beloved father and his entire family….we made it though and I’m proud of myself for surviving. I didn’t learn as much as I wish now I had, but that’s the cards and I played them as well as I could at the time with the knowledge I had then.
Oh, I still make PLANS for “if my son gets out of prison I will have to move. Where would I like to go? How will I be able to best afford it? Live in the RV on a lake somewhere4? Rent or buy a house?” But my HAPPINESS is not dependent on any of the answers to those things, those are just the NUTS AND BOLTS of every day life that have to be taken care of…happiness and contentment comes from INSIDE NOW.
And, another thing, as each day that I feel GOOD ABOUT MYSELF passes, and I think “yea, it’s been a good day” the next day I feel stronger (well most days) and if I do have a set back like I had a little over a year ago with son C and the melt down I had then, I get over that melt down a LOT QUICKER than I have gotten over similar melt downs in the past when I “lost” something important to me.
Practice makes perfect. The more we handle problems the better we get at handling problems. The better we learn to deal with loss and grief the easier it is to deal with loss and grief and still be complete in ourselves I think.
So I think when you find yourself thinking “I’ll be so happy when X, Y or Z happens….” TELL YOURSELF TO STOP!!!!!
Our internal self talk is important and if we LISTEN TO THAT DIALOG as we talk to ourselves we can LEARN A LOT ABOUT OURSELVES. Unfortunately a lot of what I “heard” going on between me and myself inside in that dialog actually made me ashamed to admit that I thought that so I would tell myself to HUSH! You SHOULDN’T think that or feel that.
Now, when I find myself thinking something I know isn’t a positive or good thing, I listen and then try to give myself an alternative path WITHOUT FEELING SHAME for having thought or wanted that. That INTERNAL SHAME was keeping me a slave to feeling badly about myself. I think it was probably an extension to my egg donor’s “you must be perfect to be okay at all” attitudes, but I am getting out of that mind set and way of thinking at least gradually.
I hope what I am saying makes some sense and will help you see where I am coming from. It is a difficult concept to grasp for me, and I am only able to do it a bite at a time.
Ox,
First I DO understand about INTERNAL SHAME. I struggle with that on a daily basis.
But what do you mean by you ‘listen and then try to give yourself an alternative path without feeling the shame…..what do you mean by “listening” to that voice? If that makes sense….
I don’t sit around and say I’ll be happy when X Y Z happens, I get ANXIETY in the now about the future because I”m not financially secure. I have an idea about what I want to do and then find that it isn’t within my college budget or is something I would hate doing. I want to get a master’s, but that’s going to cost me A LOT more in student loans. Not sure how I feel about coding anymore.
I’m just not SURE about what to do.
When I was SO SURE two months ago while trying to extricate or is that trying to SURVIVE while I extricated?…..
Somewhere along the line, I lost my passion that was overriding my fear, now my fear overrides my passion and has quelched my motivation. It’s very frustrating!
LL and Oxy,
thanks for having this conversation.
This is where I’m at too and your perspective Oxy, is very helpful.
I have also lost any desire to do anything. I do things that my BF tells me he wants done. He pays me, I pay my horrific credit card debt that the spath left me with. I’m getting nowhere with MY LIFE. But I have no desire to.
I’m not sure if I ever had any desires for myself, or when they got buried. When I was with Spath, I remodeled my cabin a bit, taught myself how to hang drywall, and added some built in cupboards, installed flooring and insulation. I used to clean too. I would do all this when the spath was gone because he made it impossible otherwise. He sabotaged everything. I don’t know how I could have wanted to stay with such a monster when I KNEW that he was creating obstacles. But everything I did, I did because I wanted to make him happy. (no that doesn’t make sense now, but it did to me then)
It’s so bad now that I’m looking for ways to trick my brain into wanting to do things for me. If I could find someone else to make happy, and whose happiness depends on things that are good for me… you know? But I still haven’t gotten there.
What I do feel is that people in my life don’t want me to be happy. My happiness and good fortune is always and has always been envied. I have to hide my success and my desires. If I don’t they will be sabotaged. I hide these from everyone. It’s part of the reason why I’m so still and do nothing but when I do move, it’s lightning fast before anyone has a chance to sabotage me.
Someone posted yesterday that being a spath survivor is like being a soldier returning from a war. The 25 year war has left these survival strategies imbedded in me. I think the reason they are so deeply imbedded is because I didn’t UNDERSTAND what was happening. So I HAD to make them into HABITS which required no thought or evaluation. As long as I implemented these ways of thinking and acting, I had a modicum of success.
In writing this, I just had another breakthrough. I was reading that the personality disordered individual tends to rigidly follow the same strategies even when they stop working. They lack the flexibility to change strategies. I can see that what I just described is a form of personality disorder that I developed to cope with constant sabotage that I didn’t understand and couldn’t control. It seemed like magical thinking that things worked out better for me when I hid my goals and desires. I could not conceive of the REALITY of a sociopath sabotaging me, so I noticed the pattern without understanding and developed a rigid strategy that always worked.
I’ve been so convinced for so long that this is how to be “successful” that the idea of behaving otherwise is extremely anxiety provoking. It’s like the thought of walking around naked in public – unthinkable.
Sky,
You described ME. I just felt a knife like feeling in my chest when you said that.
I have begun to realize that part of the reason I’m so obsessed with success, is 1. in part to my spath upbringing and 2. spath and his constant desire for money and things.
But it’s also a feeling of something I had to do to survive. When I went back to school, I went because I felt I was forced to AND also that i was good in school. What I realized is that it helped me feel good about myself. But spath also tried to sabotage that too. One of the things I’ve realized is that there was this big part of me that wanted to be successful for myself and the confidence it was building, but also because I knew spath was switching his “strategy” to someone who was successful and making money. He wasn’t looking for someone to simply use as a cover anymore, given his debts. His first major love bombing attempted victim made major money and was a credit consultant. He is massively in debt and yet continues to spend as if he HAS the money that he doesn’t. Kinda makes me wonder….I also think he’s spending company funds for private purchases. I wanted to be able to graduate and make money right away to hold onto him…….
But over the course of the last year and a half, I began to see what he was really all about, worse as the divorce commenced. I also began to clearly see my alcohol problem and that he was USING that to sabotage my efforts to continue with school. I wanted to get “healthy”. He did not. He became insanely demanding, even more so the more independent I became.
This was sooooo confusing for me at the time. So much for my fantasies.
Now I don’t know what the hell I want to do and unfortunately, I don’t have much time or money to figure it out. I’ve not worked, I’ve been in school for many years now.
I’ve also realized that I have a tremendous fear of going out into the workforce, although I WANT to get out there and be productive. I don’t think I’m overly bright by any means, but I do believe that I can do SOMETHING…….
After spath was permanently gone, so was everything else, which tells me that my drive to do what I was doing was not wholehearted. That is very troubling to me.
I think this is somewhat a form of self sabotage too. My bio spaths made sure they did everything they could to sabotage every single effort I made to be a success and if I didn’t do it, they would be proven right. I proved them right every time.
This is a frightening place to be. Because I know NOT who I am nor what I want. I’m apathetic to everything. I have to force myself to look at the ONE class I now have that I’m taking and I’m scheduled up for Spring term not knowing if that’s really what I want to do.
Sky, you’ve mentioned personality disorder with regards to yourself a few times. Do you mind if I say that bothers me? I think the term is used way too loosely and from everything I’ve seen in your posts, you are FAR from a sincere form of personality disorders.
Thanks for your post. Always creates food for thought for me.
LL