Editor’s note: The following essay was contributed to Lovefraud by Kenneth Royce at www.javelinpress.com. Ken discovered that a “friend” was a pathological liar, serial thief and con artist. “Though he made off with over $10,000 of my property in a very complicated scam,” Ken says, “it’s had the ironic benefit of outing him for the sociopath he is, and thus warning many other unsuspecting people.”
Autostereograms produce an illusion of depth using only a single image. The image is usually generated by computer, by repeating a narrow pattern from left to right. By decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations, a viewer is able to trick the brain into seeing a 3D scene.
How to see a 3D autostereogram
With your face about six inches from the image, look through it as though it were a window (and your trying to see something beyond it) and then move slowly back (keep the same beyond focus). You will see a 3D image come into view.
This is called “parallel viewing” because your eyes are unfocusing slightly (i.e., diverging towards parallel) as if seeing something beyond the 2D image. The muscles inside your eye that control the focusing lens relax. Various autostereograms are at www.vision3d.com.
The sociopath’s autostereogram
Sociopaths train the unsuspecting to see differently. They train us to see the autostereogram image of their story.
Of their lie.
The mind muscle that controls mental focus is coaxed into relaxing. In the hands of an experienced sociopath, we do this unknowingly. Their goal is for us to transpose reality (the flat 2D nature of their shallow lives) for a mirage (their fictitious 3D image of accomplishment, success, bravery, generosity, integrity, etc.).
We are taught to not only see their mirage, but transpose it for reality—and keep transposing it until we forget what the reality ever was. The more relaxed your focus, the more intense and real the mirage will become.
Another helpful parallel is that once you’ve seen a particular autostereogram several times, it is much quicker to see that image than any new autostereogram. You’ve conditioned your mind to expect what it has already seen, and you will almost instantly bypass the 2D for the 3D.
You now seek the lie. Over time, and without conscious effort, you will
routinely forsake reality for a mirage.
You can blink, or even close your eyes for several seconds, and not lose the mirage because”¦you’ve…retained…it…in…your…mind. Your focus has become so casually relaxed that you’ve lost focus altogether.
To act within this mirage as if it were reality will confuse your friends and family, and they will question your judgment, loyalty, and even sanity.
At that point, you are fully operating within the sociopath’s construct, a dreamworld created solely for his enjoyment and benefit. He controls the rules and pace of the game, and thus the outcome.
He takes. You give. He wins. You lose. That is the probable outcome, and you won’t figure out that you’ve even lost until long afterwards. It may take months or even years to fully realize the hugeness of the lie you lived in. Once you do, you will be ashamed at what you retrospectively see as your own foolish trust.
How do I avoid the sociopath’s mirage?
By knowing how it feels when your mind’s focus is being relaxed. It’s a brief odd sensation, like putting on somebody else’s glasses. If you comport yourself past that sensation, you will lose your own focus. Remember, “decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations” is the 3D trick.
This odd sensation is your B.S. detector, especially when they are acting.
The “Hey, wait a minute!” reaction is your subconscious trying to get your active attention that something is wrong, untruthful, contradictory, dangerous, or even evil. Whenever “something doesn’t add up”…trust it!
Whenever you feel it, immediately stop listening to the speaker, mentally step back and regain perspective. Instantly challenge the prima facie untruthful and exaggerated. Don’t be shy—cry Bullsh*t! Seek independent corroboration. Consult with his/her former friends, lovers, business partners, etc. Sociopaths usually have extremely bad credit.
Keep your eyes open. It is possible to spot them before they strike. Selective distrust is the parent of security.
Once you’ve confidently identified a likely sociopath, coolly disengage ALL contact, and quietly warn others to beware.
What if I’m already in the mirage? How do I get out?
The sociopath’s 3D lie can only be seen from only one vantage point—the one you’ve been slyly placed at (through trust and gullibility) and subsequently anchored to (through familiarity and loyalty). If you shift (even slightly) your perspective…the image will vanish.
Usually, somebody will say that one thing that finally jolts the return of your mental focus—if only momentarily. The mirage will then vanish, if only momentarily, and that is your chance to maintain your focus by piecing together the lies told to you.
These mirages are fragile things. They require constant vigilance by the sociopath to maintain the viewer’s limited perspective and relaxed focus. (This is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can do only one or the other.)
Escaping from the sociopath’s mirage and returning to reality is an uncomfortable process. It will take much time for your mind to reorient itself. This often engenders considerable confusion.
Time away from the sociopath can allow your mind to regain its focus, but usually that isn’t enough. You will need the surrogate focus of your friends and family who haven’t been fooled by the mirage. Give what they say (no matter how painful or embarrassing) a chance, and hear them out.
Contact others who have been conned by the same sociopath; you will validate each other and this is incredibly relieving and comforting. Soon, the mirage will no longer have any influence over you, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed it at all.
My hunch is that one’s opportunity of seeing through a sociopath is most keen at the very beginning. Once you’ve let your mind go “cross-eyed” in order to “see”/believe the lie, it’s too late. You’ve already reprogrammed your vision by then to see differently, which makes seeing the truth very difficult. A good jolt is usually required to “snap out of it,” but by then the damage has already been done.
The eyes see only what the mind has prepared itself to observe. “Hear hoof beats. Expect horses, not zebras,” as sci-fi author Robert Heinlein once wrote.
In short, people see clearly only at the very beginning, or at the very end—and very rarely during the middle.
You’ll avoid incalculable grief if you learn how to consistently see clearly from the beginning.
Common Law Copyright 2007, Kenneth Royce. All Rights Reserved.
LL,
I only say PD because I’m trying to understand where my thinking is going wrong. Obviously I can look at a spath and tell him that his thinking is disordered in several ways and point them out. I wish it was that easy to do this for myself.
Even after pointing them out, one has to FEEL differently to ACT differently. Well not really, but it would be nice if the two states were congruent.
What you’re saying about yourself is that basically you have lived your life responding to how other people view you. Depending on who it is, you will attempt to either prove them wrong or to please them. With a spath, of course, you can’t win. I think I’ve been doing the same thing.
For so long I’ve been responding to other’s needs, that I can’t get in touch with my own. Don’t really know what I want. Or maybe I don’t want to know, because if I know, then someone else might find out and sabotage it.
Subconsciously, I must have known what my spath was from very early on, because when I first noticed the over the top lies, I got the book, “People of the Lie” from the library. But I would only read it when he wasn’t around and I would hide it otherwise. I also shredded my diary and put it in the dumpster. I didn’t even use the trash can at home. I went out of my way to use a public dumpster. And one day, when we had broken up, I wrote him a heart felt letter about how he had hurt me. Then I panicked and burnt it. I ALWAYS FELT AFRAID to let him really KNOW my feelings. Thank God that I did that. It is a survival strategy that makes no sense unless you are living with spaths.
Spaths are what make the rest of us personality disordered and neurotic.
Sky,
I’m having an unbelievably difficult day today. it’s nowing and all the warm fuzzy stuff…went and had coffee with a friend and she went to the store with me…I don’t do snow!!
Distractions, but he comes to mind. I miss him right now, particularly with the weather the way it is.
Damn him. Damn me.
LL
So that creates a situation in which I’m hopeless to assist, but I do know what you’re saying.
Oh, lucky, lucky me – guess who I heard from today? He’s blocked from calling/texting, but I didn’t block e-mail because he never really sent me any. Didn’t even think about it – and because I was so surprised like an idiot I opened it and read it.
Here are a few highlights, with my questions/comments in parentheses:
I realize you are probably still mad at me and I don’t blame you at all. I just wanted to say a few things and if I get a response then great, if not then I know the answer. (Does this mean he won’t try and contact me again since I’m not responding?)
It has been over a month and I am still very, very, very sorry for hurting you. I had no reason to do it and I can only say sorry over & over again. I haven’t contacted you not because I didn’t want to, I wanted to everyday but was ashamed for my actions. How I was an ass the last time we talked is truly regrettable. Again all I can say is I’m sorry.
I miss you like crazy, I still tear up every time I see our pics on my phone & computer. I have nothing but good thoughts of our times and I would not change anything you did. As for me I feel much better about myself. (Not sure what that last sentence is supposed to mean?)
My son misses you too, he asks for you every time I pick him up and the first valentine he made was for you. (ahhh, there’s my weakness…)
The reason I’m sending this is something is sending me messages to contact you. (Cosmic vibes!!!) Today I kept hearing your name, heard “our song”, passed by the restaurant you wanted to go to, and saw a TV show we liked to watch.
I am reaching out to you because you may never want to be my girlfriend again but just maybe you will be part of my life and my son’s life, just an awesome friend and role model for us.
It’s killing me, it really is, because even though I know it’s all lies, well you all know how hard it is to stay NC. I thought I was moving on, but it is going to take all my strength not to go backwards. I have a few things in my favor – internally, I’m STUBBORN and PRIDEFUL. Externally, I have friends, family, and neighbors who would kill me if I let him back. And of course support from LF friends.
Please send out good NC energy – I need it –
LL,
I totally understand, I had triggers yesterday. Today is better but I didn’t go to the cabin again and I’m worried the pipes will freeze. But don’t care too much about anything and I’ve very tired today too.
The one thing that really seemed to help in the past was accupuncture. I really need to do that again.
Valley,
Yicky, their BS lines all sound exactly alike.
Now he wants to be your “freeeeiiiiinnnnd”, read that “frenemy”. Is he running out of people to torture and slime?
Save that email. He admits that he had no reason to hurt you but did anyway. It shows that he is insane and acts without reason. You never know when you might need it. Besides anyone who reads it can see the manipulitive behavior when he uses his son’s valentine to get to you.
NC is the only way to stay clean of their slime.
Valley,
Truthfully? I would DIE to have gotten an email like that from exPOS right now. **sigh**
At least I would know I was at least on his mind.
It’s a good thing that he doesn’t contact me and has a new gf.
Perhaps yours is not “attached” yet?
Stay NC, Valley. While I’m stuck in the “mirage” today, tomorrow, I’d probably tell you that if you don’t stay NC, you get back on the merry go around…………well, ya just go another round with the bastard…..only next time, you’ll be sicker than the time before because the go around WILL be faster than ever.
LL
Sky,….
I so hear ya. I think we really “Get” each other here and I so appreciate you. I feel a lot of love and support…..
So how can I support you when I feel like shit right now?
GO back to acupuncture? I”ve never tried it but I hear from those who have that it does WONDERS.
LL
LL,
Yes, it’s kind of sick and twisted that in a way I was glad to hear from him. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ALL LIES. Thankfully I found LF otherwise might have fallen back into his trap.
You may be right, he does not appear to be “attached” yet. Wonder whatever happened to the woman he was involved in while our “relationship” was ending, maybe she’s still on the backburner.
I’m ashamed to admit I have been in stealth mode observing his activities on on-line dating sites and he has been trying very hard to attract his next victim. His tone seems to have gotten a bit more desperate lately.
Which is why he’s contacting me – out of desperation. Huh, that’s actually an insult when you think about it –
Sky,
“He admits that he had no reason to hurt you but did it anyway” – That whole section, he’s sorry he hurt me, etc. – I don’t even think he knows what he he did to hurt me, or what there is to be sorry about. It’s so generic – hardly even counts as an apology, does it?
This is all about him, not me – he doesn’t say what is is about ME that he misses – my smile? my gourmet cooking? A few weeks ago I would have probably not even realized that HE is the focus of this letter, not me. The blinders are off, baby!
When we broke up in December, I was so devastated, and when he wanted another chance 2 weeks later, I gave him one. NO THIRD CHANCE.
Val,
You named it correctly. Its’ not even back burner girl to him. It’s “desperation” girl time. What a BASTARD if you think about it!
They say NC is the worst thing you can do to them. I suppose in some cases that is true. But not all. Many times, they’ve moved onto the next victim and don’t give a SHIT about you…NC is more for you than it is for them. They could give a shit if they have a new victim, val.
BUT this is YOUR opportunity to SHINE in your last “discard”…staying NC, ignoring HIS ass!! You have a PRIME opportunity to have the last word!
MIght hurt like hell. It just might. But keep in mind, that everything he said is nothing but bullshit meant to suck you in because he has no one. I think when we are not quite “over” them yet, it’s natural to get “excited” and think they “want” us when they contact……but truthfully? That is projecting YOUR feelings onto HIM. He doesn’t feel that way. he could care LESS…….it’s just that his “dates” online haven’t worked out yet.
Stay NC. Have the last word. Let YOUR last word be about your strength. He’ll land another victim soon enough (mine did, just like DW, in two months!).
It doesn’t mean shit to them.
YOu can’t “hurt” him dear.
You can only hurt YOURSELF if you RESPOND!!
LL