Editor’s note: The following essay was contributed to Lovefraud by Kenneth Royce at www.javelinpress.com. Ken discovered that a “friend” was a pathological liar, serial thief and con artist. “Though he made off with over $10,000 of my property in a very complicated scam,” Ken says, “it’s had the ironic benefit of outing him for the sociopath he is, and thus warning many other unsuspecting people.”
Autostereograms produce an illusion of depth using only a single image. The image is usually generated by computer, by repeating a narrow pattern from left to right. By decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations, a viewer is able to trick the brain into seeing a 3D scene.
How to see a 3D autostereogram
With your face about six inches from the image, look through it as though it were a window (and your trying to see something beyond it) and then move slowly back (keep the same beyond focus). You will see a 3D image come into view.
This is called “parallel viewing” because your eyes are unfocusing slightly (i.e., diverging towards parallel) as if seeing something beyond the 2D image. The muscles inside your eye that control the focusing lens relax. Various autostereograms are at www.vision3d.com.
The sociopath’s autostereogram
Sociopaths train the unsuspecting to see differently. They train us to see the autostereogram image of their story.
Of their lie.
The mind muscle that controls mental focus is coaxed into relaxing. In the hands of an experienced sociopath, we do this unknowingly. Their goal is for us to transpose reality (the flat 2D nature of their shallow lives) for a mirage (their fictitious 3D image of accomplishment, success, bravery, generosity, integrity, etc.).
We are taught to not only see their mirage, but transpose it for reality—and keep transposing it until we forget what the reality ever was. The more relaxed your focus, the more intense and real the mirage will become.
Another helpful parallel is that once you’ve seen a particular autostereogram several times, it is much quicker to see that image than any new autostereogram. You’ve conditioned your mind to expect what it has already seen, and you will almost instantly bypass the 2D for the 3D.
You now seek the lie. Over time, and without conscious effort, you will
routinely forsake reality for a mirage.
You can blink, or even close your eyes for several seconds, and not lose the mirage because”¦you’ve…retained…it…in…your…mind. Your focus has become so casually relaxed that you’ve lost focus altogether.
To act within this mirage as if it were reality will confuse your friends and family, and they will question your judgment, loyalty, and even sanity.
At that point, you are fully operating within the sociopath’s construct, a dreamworld created solely for his enjoyment and benefit. He controls the rules and pace of the game, and thus the outcome.
He takes. You give. He wins. You lose. That is the probable outcome, and you won’t figure out that you’ve even lost until long afterwards. It may take months or even years to fully realize the hugeness of the lie you lived in. Once you do, you will be ashamed at what you retrospectively see as your own foolish trust.
How do I avoid the sociopath’s mirage?
By knowing how it feels when your mind’s focus is being relaxed. It’s a brief odd sensation, like putting on somebody else’s glasses. If you comport yourself past that sensation, you will lose your own focus. Remember, “decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations” is the 3D trick.
This odd sensation is your B.S. detector, especially when they are acting.
The “Hey, wait a minute!” reaction is your subconscious trying to get your active attention that something is wrong, untruthful, contradictory, dangerous, or even evil. Whenever “something doesn’t add up”…trust it!
Whenever you feel it, immediately stop listening to the speaker, mentally step back and regain perspective. Instantly challenge the prima facie untruthful and exaggerated. Don’t be shy—cry Bullsh*t! Seek independent corroboration. Consult with his/her former friends, lovers, business partners, etc. Sociopaths usually have extremely bad credit.
Keep your eyes open. It is possible to spot them before they strike. Selective distrust is the parent of security.
Once you’ve confidently identified a likely sociopath, coolly disengage ALL contact, and quietly warn others to beware.
What if I’m already in the mirage? How do I get out?
The sociopath’s 3D lie can only be seen from only one vantage point—the one you’ve been slyly placed at (through trust and gullibility) and subsequently anchored to (through familiarity and loyalty). If you shift (even slightly) your perspective…the image will vanish.
Usually, somebody will say that one thing that finally jolts the return of your mental focus—if only momentarily. The mirage will then vanish, if only momentarily, and that is your chance to maintain your focus by piecing together the lies told to you.
These mirages are fragile things. They require constant vigilance by the sociopath to maintain the viewer’s limited perspective and relaxed focus. (This is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can do only one or the other.)
Escaping from the sociopath’s mirage and returning to reality is an uncomfortable process. It will take much time for your mind to reorient itself. This often engenders considerable confusion.
Time away from the sociopath can allow your mind to regain its focus, but usually that isn’t enough. You will need the surrogate focus of your friends and family who haven’t been fooled by the mirage. Give what they say (no matter how painful or embarrassing) a chance, and hear them out.
Contact others who have been conned by the same sociopath; you will validate each other and this is incredibly relieving and comforting. Soon, the mirage will no longer have any influence over you, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed it at all.
My hunch is that one’s opportunity of seeing through a sociopath is most keen at the very beginning. Once you’ve let your mind go “cross-eyed” in order to “see”/believe the lie, it’s too late. You’ve already reprogrammed your vision by then to see differently, which makes seeing the truth very difficult. A good jolt is usually required to “snap out of it,” but by then the damage has already been done.
The eyes see only what the mind has prepared itself to observe. “Hear hoof beats. Expect horses, not zebras,” as sci-fi author Robert Heinlein once wrote.
In short, people see clearly only at the very beginning, or at the very end—and very rarely during the middle.
You’ll avoid incalculable grief if you learn how to consistently see clearly from the beginning.
Common Law Copyright 2007, Kenneth Royce. All Rights Reserved.
Yes!!
WOW and I”M BITCHING? I’m a spritely 47 lol! So maybe we can work on this together 🙂
I don’t know if you’ve had your thyroid checked, but mine is BAAAAD and i’m checked often now because of how BAAAAD it is and I know A LOT of that is stressed. Hair fallin out? Oh yea! horrible dry skin, depression, exhaustion the WORKS. My thyroid is being checked again this week just to make sure I’m in balance because I went quite awhile for a time while with spathy NOT being checked and boy when it was I was SO SICK!! No matter what I tried to do, I could NOT do it. So maybe there will be some good news for you there in that if something is wacked out within the bod, it will be taken care of with medications or something to stabilize you. I’m also going through menopause right now. NO BUENO! On top of going through this, I’m the biggest BITCH on the planet. I know a lot of this is HORMONAL too, so I’m being checked for that as well.
UGH!!!
I’m glad you’re not giving up. I think we BOTH can get off our asses and do something about it!!!
Oh Ox? Have a BLAST!!
LL
I was hell on wheels at 47, LL! (Literally, after I got my Harley at 49.) And that was after my 6 yr marriage to the psychotic had ended when I escaped at 40, then my next very brief marriage to a good friend (who’s still a good friend) ended, & was spending my 14 yrs living blissfully single & alone. Totally independent. Totally engaged in life in every way. Probly the best 14 yrs of my life.
Then I was presented with an Optical Illusion when I was 57. It was a remarkable illusion, because none of it was real or (as I look back) was created by a real person, but I believed it & swore by its beauty & wonderfulness for 8 yrs!
This analogy of optical illusions & sociopaths is (literally) eye-opening! As are so many of the articles & posts here at LF. Yes, it was a dream-state I was in….like being slightly stoned for 8 yrs….seeing life thru a fog.
Even when presented with what a “sober” person would’ve seen were facts, I just dreamed along. He was perfect even with all his flaws. He adored me & I was perfect for him & he accepted me with my flaws. We were so good together in spite of the obstacles in reaching our dreams, but we were happy with each other & were going to be even happier & live in joyous adventure for the rest of our lives.
Oh Yeah. THAT WAS THE ILLUSION!
What a slight-of-hand. I’m STILL running across artiFacts that tell about his double-life! I found receipts this week for one of her laptops she’d bought in 2007….that was one of the TWO laptops he gave ME in 08 & said that his biz partner had given him!
I talked to an old friend this week…hadn’t talked to him in awhile….I told him the story about J. He said, “I TOLD you about him all the time. He was a conman. You wouldn’t believe me.”
No, I wouldn’t believe anything negative anyone said about him. I just said, “You don’t know him like I do.” And I believed I was right & they Just Didn’t Understand.
So it all came crashing down & my sense of confidence/self-esteem/self-worth got crushed underneath it. Who I Am is just a pile of rubble now, & all I can do is keep digging thru it, trying to claw my way down & rescue ME.
And THAT’S why I can’t celebrate my maturation, Oxy. I saw life & myself just like you do now—I had total belief in life & the future & that I’d never ever become a caricature of an old woman. I was gonna be YOUNG all of my life, & that’s the way I approached it. Living with J, sitting & waiting with him while he worked toward our dreams, instead of living my life & enjoying all the things I’d done before him because he was only focused on his work & his travels……I let my life slip away from me. Now it’s beastly hard to get back out there & jump back into the local scene (it’s especially hard now with my bald patches!). I go to listen to music & have dinner with friends—-but I can only do that because they’ll always pick up my tab. And that makes me so uncomfortable. I hate hearing myself say, “I’d go, but I can’t afford it.”
But I hear what you’re saying, Oxy. And I’m trying to get out of this maze & get back to who I am & forward to where you are. Thanks for the encouragement. And I hope you’re having a great time tonite! I am going out with friends to hear music tomorrow nite…..since it’s dark at the club & no one can see the bald patches in my hair!
No, LL, I’m not giving up, & I know you’re not either. We both CAN get off our asses & do something about where we are! It’s not easy to get there from here….it takes a lot longer & a lot more sustained effort than it takes a “normal person” (one who hasn’t been flattened by a SP enounter!) But yep, chins up, face forward, step by step. Right?
Candy, thanks! It’s so kind of you to reach out after my last post. I have not followed your story much because I generally only have the energy to keep up with a few people at a time and make a few friends slowly over time. But I will make the effort to follow your story a little more closely, too. The “condo” I spoke of is the one I live in that I bought at the peak of the market, right before it lost most of its value. It’s a cute one-bedroom condominimum that has a nice greenbelt, pond with fountain, and pool outside my patio. It’s a little overpriced. However, it serves me to stay here for now and have my three jobs so I can travel overseas and take care of some minor health issues. At some point I may be able to save a little more money and just get in my car and go. Or maybe even move overseas. All my stuff – furniture, etc. – doesn’t mean much to me any more. I remember when it was my life dream to own my own home and furnish it with nice stuff. Funny how your priorities can change on a dime.
LL,
You are so articulate and wise! Amen to everything you said. And if I ever come off as preachy or patronizing, like you should do it my way, just let me know. I welcome the feedback.
And speaking of health issues, I have a nasty case of winter eczema. There are itchy bumps on my feet and ankles, knees and neck. If anyone knows how to fix this, I’m all ears. I have a humidifier and use good non-scented lotion. But I do take long hot baths every day, which I probably shouldn’t. I would like to get this cleared up before my trip. I’m embarrassed right now to put on a swimsuit at the gym because of it.
Oops. I spelled condominium wrong, and I’m too lazy to go back and change it. 🙂
Yes,
Welp, I’ve been spathed twice now in the last twenty seven years in relationshits. I think my hell on wheels, got up and went without me 🙂
Yep, we WILL get through it!!! Hair fallin out and all, right?
You had a HARLEY? I love riding, Yes. ExPOS had two bikes. Not Harley’s though. ONe that hauled major ass (couldn’t tell ya what it was now, other than a yamaha, that lasted a year with regards to his “enthusiam” about it), and a V-Star (That he dropped a stop sign leaving my house one day I just about died in laughter lol), stupid bike was BIGGER than he was lol! ExPOS was only five one or two. I refused to get on a bike with him. He was not experienced enough to ride safely with someone on the back.
BUT my first bf….OMG……….he was an EXCELLENT and avid rider. The best motorcycle ride I have ever had was with him. He took corners with both of us on the bike gracefully, but looking at the pavement. It was AMAZING! Haven’t had a ride like that since!!!
Aren’t bikes fun? Do you still have yours? Maybe you could pick up riding again?
Anyway……you have a good spirit, Yes, I see it in your posts! You’re going to be OTAY!!! I just know!
Even if you feel like you’re not, whatever was there when you were 47 in spirit, is sure what I wish I was now. 🙁
We’ll get there! Please keep posting! You lift my spirits!
LL
Thank you, LL!
You just lifted my spirits, too!
Yep, I still have my Sportster. She needs work…..a new carb, & now, after being in storage for 9 yrs, needs a total refurbishing. When I had the $, when J was here, I didn’t have a need to get her going…..a Sporty is just too small for a man to ride with a chick behind. And I wasn’t gonna ride without him. So there she sat, & there she sits….& now I don’t have the $$ to get her going. One of these days…..when my ship comes in & my hair grows back!
Thanks for the boost, LL!!!
i read the other blog that donna mentioned this am – i don’t remember what it was called – but the woman wrote about how much fun conning people is for the spaths, and that n’s do it for the attention. and somehow, just the way the writer phrased it, i really got (yet again!) what an evil person the spath is.
all that trauma, ’cause it’s fun. i am going to work myself back up to wanting to whack her, if i am not careful.
i have been wanting to cry. i feel lousy so i am weepy, but you know i have not cried enough over this…i am all bottled up still. i endured such horrible cruelty, and not one of my friends held me or cared for me through it. can’t cry tonight – makes me cough..rats.
you folks – you folks cared for me. i wonder how Witty is. I miss her gentle voice here. Polly, Witty, silver and CAmom- you held me up. EB and kim – the women who can stand in the face of anger and not flinch. the late night partiers, eb, hens, kim, and a host or revolving characters who get spathed humour, tequilla and truffles – and Gem, who was so upset with my cussing that she told me i was acting like a spath and reported me to Donna…and then she found her anger, and we are oh so good. and she is oh so healing (and has a wicked humour). Sky an dStar – somehow you two are like twinned/ mirrored stars to me – sparkling lights in the constellation. And gentle shabby, who will form now on, be only ‘Chic’. and those of you who have ticked me off, and who i have pushed back against or stood my ground with – you have a special place in my healing. Hopeforjoy and Warm summer flower – i am so proud of you both, i know we are close in age LL – but somehow both you and Hopeforjoy feel like younger sisters to me (and i might add y’all WAAAAY better than the sib i got!), and i have great confidence that you will be just fine! oxy – who i can always count on for some outrageous story of her killing something, and saving her own life.
and to the stupid spath who called me a *c* one night while i was busy rotating tires and matching socks…thanks for the laugh. 🙂
Yes, It’s me!
Ended up not going—it is tomorrow night too—had people drop in so visited here at home. Still got some laughs. My bread turned out okay, (machine bread) and I put a stew in the crock pot and watched Dateline….
Oh, I want to tell you about last night! I have this really cool plaid jacket/pants set that is deep red, and I had gotten way too thick through the middle (read: fat) to zip it up, and last night when we went to the scout banquet I wore it and it was actually a bit loose! I’m down 30 pounds now and looked really cool, and even got compliments on how well I was looking! (with my bouncy new hair cut!) I did lose one of my two turquoise rings last night that my husband bought me in 1981 in Phoenix—I think it slipped off when I washed and dried my hands after dinner. Oh, well…and you know, while it was one of my favorite rings and I’ve had it for 30 years and it was special because he got it for me—I realized it was gone, but I didn’t melt down over it. I mean I’m sorry I lost it, but nothing I can do and no reason to melt down about it….I actually would have expected myself to have melted down about it.l
I lost a gold filigree ring about 5 years ago that I treasured and I melted down over it, and really that ring wasn’t as prescious to me as the one I lost last night was. So don’t know if I’m handling things better or what.
It’s interesting to me about how we react differently to two events that are pretty much the same depending on the level of strength that we have to work with at the time it happens.
Well, children, I’m off to bed, got a really good book I’m reading!
Hey, One, I’m so glad I can be counted as a member of your healing family because you certainly have touched my heart too, even though I have never met you and never heard your voice. Sometimes we need others to hold us up when we just cannot do it for ourselves. When I am in my deepest well of pain, I know my real life friends don’t have any clue what I have been through and what I go through.
Oh, Oxy, I’d kill to see what you look like! I have a picture of you in my mind, but your hair is long. Okay, I wouldn’t actually kill anything, but I’d still like to see a pic.