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The most heartbreaking dramas that sociopaths create are those that involve children. Many sociopathic parents stand up in court proclaiming that they “only want what is best for the children.” They’re lying. What they really want is to use the children as clubs to beat their ex-partners into submission.
There is no such thing as a simple phone call to find out what little Johnny needs to bring to soccer practice. Every phone call or e-mail is an opportunity for the sociopath to manipulate, denigrate and infuriate the ex, through lies, innuendo and misinformation. For the parent trying to protect the children, it’s exhausting.
A few months ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Penny,” who is in this situation. She wrote her Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath. One of Penny’s recommendations was that parents request that all communications with their former partners go through Our Family Wizard.
Our Family Wizard
Our Family Wizard is a website designed to facilitate communications between separated or divorced parents in relation to their children. It promotes “cooperative parenting:”
Parents can coordinate shared custody and joint custody parenting time schedules, health records, immunization histories, expense sharing, school information, virtual document storage and much more on a website specifically designed to deal with the issues that arise in co-parenting situation.
Our website is committed to removing conflict and improving the lives of children. In fact, judges in all 50 states order families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce conflict.
The Our Family Wizard website is a great tool for managing difficult parenting relationships. The website provides excellent documentation to help reduce conflict that may arise from ineffective communication. Should you need to return to court, all pages are printable and most come with a preformatted print option with all the necessary data you will need to show that you have met your parenting obligations.
The service costs $99 per year per parent. “This fee is worth it,” Penny wrote. “I know this because the judge hearing my case ordered that communication between my ex and I take place solely on the Our Family Wizard website. The judge also ordered that no verbal communication is to take place between the parties facilitating the exchange of my child.”
No creative language
Thousands of families use Our Family Wizard, according to Jainarain Kissoon, CEO. One reason why it helps in high-conflict situations, Kissoon says, is because the website’s structured format allows no room for “creative language.”
“Phone conversations used to turn into heated battles, then the battles moved to e-mail,” Kissoon says. “The site helps compartmentalize what everyone is doing. In co-parenting classes, they emphasize businesslike communication. The site provides organization—there are no long e-mails back and forth.”
With Our Family Wizard, parents can limit communication to filling in the blanks—soccer game, what day, what time, what the child needs to bring.
Features
Our Family Wizard includes the following features:
- Calendar—each calendar event, such as soccer practice, includes which children participate, the location, the drop off parent and the pick up parent.
- Journal—entries can be shared or private. It’s a place to document any incidents, and all notes are time and date stamped.
- Message board—With no outside e-mail servers, there are no lost messages and always a way to verify a message has been received.
- Info bank—A place to manage all family information, such as schools, childcare providers, immunization history, emergency contacts, insurance and more.
- Expense log—tracks shared expenses, automatically calculating each parent’s contribution.
Documentation
An important benefit of Our Family Wizard is its level of documentation:
- Each entry is time and date stamped—who created it and when
- Every page is stamped with the last time both parents viewed it
- Messages cannot be altered or unsent
- Dates on journal entries cannot be altered.
- One parent cannot change the other parent’s information
- Nearly everything can be tracked back to an IP address
- An accurate chronology of events can be produced
- All pages are printable
The software includes the option of third-party accounts, so, if necessary, therapists or guardians ad litem can monitor communications. If a parent engages in abusive behavior, it is readily discovered and difficult to deny.
With Our Family Wizard, it becomes easy to tell who is complying with court orders, and who is not. Kissoon relates why one judge said he liked the software: “It gives people enough rope to hang themselves.”
In an early pilot program for the software, a judge ordered 40 families to communicate only through Our Family Wizard. For two years, none of the families were back in court.
Testimonials
The Our Family Wizard website includes testimonials from parents. “Manuel S” wrote:
I am thankful to this avenue of communication. It has controlled the nasty phone calls from my ex-wife to me and my wife, and has put an end to her foul language since she is aware the content of messages is monitored. I have documentation to avoid he said she said situations and her violations of my rights to see my kids!”
Penny says the website works. “Please mention to readers that they can request that Our Family Wizard be ordered by the judge hearing their case,” she wrote. “The judge can order the Our Family Wizard email as the sole means of communication between couples litigating a child custody/visitation dispute.”
For more information, visit the website below. If you decide to subscribe to OurFamilyWizard, Lovefraud will earn a commission from your purchase.
Bulletproof, THEY DO POSE AS VICTIMS HERE—-there have been several.
My Spath detector goes off when someone comes here and:
Seldom or never gives back to others support or kindness
Continues to whine about things they COULD do something about but don’t.
Blame their “spath” for EVERYTHING in their lives
Nothing is ever their fault or responsibility
Assume no responsibility for allowing the abuse to go on after they “saw the light”
Refuse to go NC with the psychopath even if they could
Continue in revenge mode and petty revenge mode and never get out of that mode
and so on, there are tons of things that just are “gut feelings” that before long you can spot them even on LF and even with them seeming to be victims.
Unfortunately MANY DYSFUNCTIONAL P-RELATIONSHITS have TWO Ps and the “loser in the fight” then presents themselves as a victim, LOOKING FOR NEW PEOPLE TO SUPPORT THEM AND PITY THEM AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM.
I actually took in (Physically) one of these PSEUDO-VICTIMS last summer to help her out, but before long I saw she was a LEECH not a person trying to heal. So I showed her the DOOR (or in my case, the GATE to the county road and suggested she leave since she had obviously NOT BENEFITED from the opportunities I had offered her to get a JOB or get HEALTH CARE and so on….the only difference in her being here was she was 3 months older than when she came. She was simply a Psychopath that had been whipped down either by other psychopaths or by her intended victims who had gotten on to her game.
She was a great actress though I will put that to her credit, but by looking at what she SAID versus what she DID it became apparent that she had NO intention of helping herself. She was obviously too GOOD TO WORK and menial labor. Well, I worked my way through college cleaning other people’s homes and scrubbing their toilets, so you know how that went over with me! LOL
Again, thank you so much….everyone…
As I read I start remembering things I had forgotten…but reading puts a kind of normalcy to my pain. Normalcy in that I am not alone and it isn’t only me or the ‘what is wrong with me” feeling. Because my s ex wants me to beleive it is all my fault. the lies in court….unreal! I wouldn’t consider lying under oath and when I heard him do this several times I started to understand his illness. When I first married him I thought “he is too good for me! I don’t deserve him…” and how I thought he had more integrity than anyone I had met. His third wife said that to me once…”he is the most gentle man i have ever met”. I said the same things! So did his first wife.
What is interesting to read are things about the pornography…he is addicted to internet pornography and that is what prompted our marriage counseling. We did marriage counseling for about 3 years but he never really got “real”. At the end, he started to look at the issues around his mother…she is the one he hates but she is too dangerous to go up against for obvious and many reasons…and yet he started to go up against her and call the family on their behaviors…well, that lasted about a month and he came home after a 2nd trip out to see his family (the therapist told him to confront them) and he came back saying “No, I was wrong. the things in my childhood didn’t happen” and that was it. he was done and our marriage went downhill faster….then in court for the divorce he told them that I introduced him to pornography! I about died. A friend of mine was in court with me and she choked. I gasped. And he sat there like the pompous ass he is. The funny thing is he has no mind of his own. When we went to court I brought in a support system…the next day he came in with a support system. The first day i brought in a small photo album to present that showed pictures of my life with my daughter…the next day he did the same thing. What a joker. But the other issue that I have read about is murder by suicide. I have been talking about that but had never heard the term and that is exactly what he is doing. He thinks I will kill myself in my pain and believe me I have thought about it but I’d never leave my children. And i am much too strong for that. I do fear the losses at times and the money situation right now is tenuous….but I have a spiritual belief and I hold onto that and so far God has come through! I also try to figure out the lessons I am supposed to learn going through this…and maybe it isn’t all about me…maybe there is no lesson. I don’t know. I am just trying to find a way to lessen my pain.
I am taking the great suggestions here and putting them to use. Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me and respond. It is kind of like an AA meeting…the new person helps remind what it was like at the beginning and although I don’t want to be a brain drain I know that is part of the process, too. I know that once I get to a more peaceful place I will be able to be more helpful.
Another thought when reading is to wonder about my s ex’s mother…the family was always presented as so together and so loving and close. What is really is is sickly enmeshed in a very ugly way. Even one of our therapists thought my s ex had slept with his sister and I believe this might be true. His sister is about 2 years younger and even at the age of 33 (this was 12 years ago) she was walking around in front of him with just her bra and underpants on. I remember thinking ‘is this normal for siblings?’ and I just couldn’t get my brain around it. Then his mom would walk around in the morning with just an oversized t shirt on…super short…and I thought my god are you kidding? I wouldn’t do that in front of my kid. One time when we went on vacation for the weekend and my s ex’s sister was living with us (she moved to every city he moved to, same when he was married prior to me) and she had it great…I set up her bedroom and a tv and her own bathroom so she could have privacy when she wanted it and of course she could be anywhere in the house…but if it was me i’d want to watch tv in my room sometimes….when we got back my bedroom was not a mess but messed with. I could tell because I do things a certain way and one is I clean before I leave for a vacation so when i come home it is nice. She had slept in our bed, on his side of the bed because there was food and crumbs in it and the bed was messed up a bit. and when I told my ex to talk to her he said “well if you want to get on her shit list then yes confront her but you do it”. I thought So you are telling me I can’t confront her about behaviors that are not acceptable and that you won’t take a stand? he had also said that I was causing problems and forcing him to take a side and I thought but you are married to me and it is time to move on! Anyway, after the sister moved out a month later she took my clothes, my jewelry, my DVD’s and when I asked for them back she threw them on the front porch! it was just nuts…this was the first year of our marriage and I thought this family is crazy. There is so much more….the mom is alcoholic, we put his dentist dad into treatment for vicodin and valium addiction, the mom rages and controls everything by her raging…and every vacation was to visit his family. I remember now how he isolated me form my family and my friends…and only in our church did he support what i did…. What I find amazing is how insidious domestic violence is…and how I lost my sense of self and my self esteem…and I’d start to isolate because I was angry and depressed…and then he’d rage at me and run to our friends and say “I am so worried about my wife….” and he’d get them to think that I had relapsed or something like that…and of course I hadn’t I was responding to his behavior and no one knew what really was going on. I also remember one time we were driving and I’d complained about his driving numerous times because he is a terrible driver, doesn’t use signals, always is on his phone, looking in the rear view mirror at himself or his teeth or whatever…and he’d swerve all over and just was never safety conscience…he’d get mad at me for wanting safety measures in place such as locking up medications…he’d left a needle and syringe of a flu shot on my daughters playroom floor and then he got mad at me for being upset. He said “Oh what could happen? she’d get a flu shot” and I thought “You are a doctor dumb ass”. but when driving one time he drove straight towards a barrier so the barrier was coming towards me, my side of the vehicle and then at the very last second he swerved so he didn’t crash the car into it…and acted like nothing. These kinds of things were rampant in our life and I thought I was going crazy. Sometimes I still wonder, is it me? Am i the sociopath? because he will tell me that I am the sociopath. And I sometimes wonder! Although I know that isn’t true…the one part of me is I have a huge heart and so much compassion that it is almost painful at times. and I am accountable. I am the first to look at my part in a situation. But I still allow him to get into my head and think I must be making this up. Does anyone else go through that? And yet every story, every incident is the absolute truth of what I have lived with. It just seems so unreal…and so many haven’t believed me. I dated a guy for two years after the divorce…a sweet guy, but a kind of depressed buy…we were really just great friends more than anything, he was too young for me to marry….anyway after a year of hearing me, seeing that my ex had a PI on me and knowing after having a computer forensics guy look at my computer (a gift he gave me right after I left him and I wondered why he gave it to me…..not like him you know?) and find a key stroke monitor on it…etc this boyfriend of mine told me he still didn’t quite believle me until he had a conversation with my ex’s first wife….when he heard her story and how similar it was to mine then he believed me! That’s been the hardest…that my friends think I have done something wrong.
I just feel so grateful to have the information here…it might be a bit consuming right now but I can see after I integrate all of this information, begin to really get on the offense and take good care of myself (i have not been working out, or eating or sleeping well the past several months especially, after my mom’s death and moving and starting my practice etc) that my future will change. I have to not allow myself to give up and just before I found this site I was about there…not suicide but just stopping trying. I wasn’t working smartly, as I said, I was working emotionally and it was draining me. And making me continue to make poor decisions about men…although I have not dated now for 2 1/2 years. What a great gift that has been. To get over the idea that I NEED a man. i do not! And to learn to choose a better man. Sick attracks sick…so unless I am healthy I won’t choose a good man. I do want a partner, someone where we ‘have each others backs’ kind of support system, a friendship…I think I am also scared that I don’t know what that kind of love really looks like…mostly I am afraid of intimacy in that being vulnerable is too risky right now. So that means I don’t get into a relatinoship yet. I am still not ready and for me that has been the smartest thing and the best thing I have done for myself. I found myself on an online dating service right after the guy above and I broke up and looking back I think that guy I met online was another sociopathy. he was someone that sounded exciting and fun and was kind of sexy…but when I looked into his eyes the hair on the back of my neck stood up. and I found myself with him for about a month and even his family told me he was sick mentally and his sister said he was a sociopath. I was out of there! but it was scary realizing I was attracted to him…What I think I had been doing was again reacting emotionally, my fears driving my decisions…does that make sense? And my fears when I met my ex were kind of similar…and I feel grateful to be able to see that now. That is a huge lesson.
Again, I ramble. But so much is happening right now as I read and listen and relate.
AAAAaaaaarghhh!!! yes I can see the circle complete itself now! the psychic vampires, the energy suckers, the life drainers, the black holes…they seem so cute in the beginning…till they lock on with the fangs and then quite considerable force is needed to pull them off before you are bled..lol
Dear Chinagirl,
MY opinion is that we need to heal and be by ourselves for quite some time after the total devastation of the experience with the psychopath. TIME ALONE won’t do it, we must use that time to work on ourselves and healing ourselves before we can be ready for a healthy relationship. Otherwise, we will not make a good partner for a healthy person and we sure don’t want to pick up another P in our neediness. That is exactly what I did after my husband was killed in an accident, I was SO needy I picked up a P. NOT a good move.
Just keep on reading and learning and growing. There will come a time when you ARE ready for another relationship! (((Hugs)))
As I have been reading I see another commonality…my s ex asked me out and three weeks later wanted to marry me. Then he asked me to fly with him to his home town and “turn pages” for him as he played a piano concert. A few days later I saw him at work and he said “Oh I don’t want you to go with me to the concert”. He had gone shopping with me as I picked out a dress to wear for this event….and then the day before the concert he said, “OH I want you to come with”. he did this again over a Thanksgiving holiday weekend he wanted me to fly to Memphis to meet his grandmother and relatives…and have my on go with…i bought tickets and he at the last minute said “no , don’t want you to go”. He was all over the place and I broke up with him at one point….and looking back the red flags seem so obvious and so pervasive but I had not yet had any therapy and hadn’t worked out my own things so I was not looking clearly at who he was. Sadly. I actually was offered a great job in California and was getting ready to go when he presented me with a huge diamond and tons of excuses about his schizy behavior saying because his first wife ‘messed him up’ he was just so unsure about everything and then realized he couldn’t live without me. Boy oh boy do I wish I would have gone to California….You know I believe men tell us everything we need to know…there are many reasons we deny these truths and yet also some are very good at their behaviors…I take responsibility in that I saw the red flags and ignored them….and chose this guy out of some of my own fears. Its hard to admit to but its true. Had I been healthier emotionally I doubt I would have even continued to date the creep.
There is no way I am ready for a relationship right now despite the five years post divorce. The fact he married 5 months after our divorce is really scary. How could he possibly have made any changes or healed or done any work? Or really these guys don’t do that kind of self work because they are not accountable so nothing is their fault or responsibility. My friends all told me that he was not accountable, the therapists told me the same….he is still not accountable and I am guessing never will be. Do these guys change? I do like Patrick Carne’s strategy for re-uniting with a sociopath…but it takes a lot of time and work and I just can’t see someone like my ex doing what Carnes says….being commited to recovery, proving accountability and honesty….it doesn’t compute. Maybe I have misread the review of this book of Carnes’ and sociopaths do not recover. Maybe he is talking about a different personality disorder. I am going to buy the book and read it myself to see what he says. And it isn’t as though I’d ever want to get back with my ex. Not a chance. I’d never want to live with someone who was so controlling, abusive, cold…he’d pick fights with me when I was sick so he didn’t have to help me (his words), yet when he was sick with flu he’d bring iv supplies home and want me to start iv and baby him…I had surgery and he brought me home and went to get my post op meds and three hours later I had to call him as the local wore off and I was in pain to bring me my pain medications. He was at a friends house, hanging out, eating dinner with them! No, this is not a life partner I’d ever want to be with again. I couldn’t survive it!!
The other thing is I find myself in and out of fears. Irrational and rational fears. I feel like I have post trauma stress and not even as a disorder because I think we have all gone through post traumatic events here. The stress we undergo is in reaction to the events. But I think after five years my stress has turned into a disorder…since I haven’t had any way to really work through it not finding anyone to talk to until now. I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I keep having weird and horrible dreams. About my life, about my mom and dad (my mom just died in Feb), about my daughter…so I am not sleeping well because i am too afraid to sleep. How weird is that? I feel like a wreck and a bit of a loser to tell you the truth. I have had so many people accuse me of being something I’m not that I find myself in ourbursts of anger and most recently, crying jags that I have not had for four years. I have been crying more this last week than ever. And it scares me. I know walking through these feelings, not trying to mask them in anway and I am not! is what is necessary. I want to get to the other side…and its not a fun journey. Sometimes I wish I had a medical illness and not this emotional one. I am sick of the emotional stuff. My goal for this week: start my gratitude journal, eat healthy, walk daily, organize my back office (something I have procrastinated and I usually do not procrastinate. I am a blitz krief kind of person! I can paint a house in a couple of days when i set my mind to it!). As I start to do something different and good for myself I know that it will pick up momentum. I need to do what I tell my clients to do! Get out of myself. Help someone else.
Chinagirl:
I’m a bit late in my welcoming of you……but welcome to LF!
You will find all the support and education to hold your hand and offer ideas along the way.
We ‘get it’. !!!
One thought which came to mind…….can you reach any of his former Nanny’s? They may be able to offer some dirt on him and parenting?
Keep your stance with your daughter…..visit as often as allowed…..(by courts)…..and follow through legally with yoru rights.
If you let that process intimidate you…..you’ll lose all rights.
It’s about ‘winning’ with a spath. Not love, not caring…..just possessional winning.
I’m a big advocate for shutting them down by using their own tactics against them……backspathing.
You must be covert….and as you’ve found out…..you just can’t trust anyone….and especially if they are family….(my family all went and got sucked into the glamor of my spath)…..People have to prove themselves to me for me to ‘let’ them in.
If they think you’ll react one way….>DON”T……
NOW is the time to turn on the self discipline and self control…..as hard as it is…….but you can’t be predictible to them.
I call that ‘shaking’ it up.
When my kids were kidnapped, and my family participated…..they all thought they knew my reaction……I didn’t do what I wanted to do….and go rambo on spath……And I DIDN”T! This was CRUCIAL for me!!!!!
You see…..he was setting me up to do something he expected to make me look desperate and crazy……See….I told you she was crazy……and my family would follow suit. He wanted me commited and to him, my family was key to making that happen.
If I was ‘declared’……..he would be in ‘charge’.
YIKES!!!!
I was able to turn that situation around, get my kids back and call a spade a spade in the legal system…..but you must be more calculated and controlled than the spath!!!!
It was the hardest thing i’ve ever done…..and at a time of desperation and fear…….
I sat in the recliner for 2 weeks……day went into night, night went into day…..as I became one with the recliner.
BUT…..I had to trust in myself and my observation of the situation……
I learned patience which has also served me well…….
You can make one of two decisions…….curl up fetal in the corner…..OR…..stand up, load your big ‘gun’ and start shooting legal bullets!
Legal bullets full of FACTS, documentation and NO EMOTIONS!
No hearsay…..ONLY FACTS!
No tears…(save those for LF), show a completely IN CONTROL woman.
IT’s an uphill battle which requires strength and determination and tenacity!
It’s not over until YOU determine that it’s over…..
So girl…..stand tall, put on your big girl panties (the spiked ones) and get busy on your recon educational work.
I will assure you…..it’s a long road…..but there is peace in the end.
Right is right…..wrong is wrong….it’s all in the way you handle it!
XXOO
EB
Oh yeah…..PS….stay off the internet dating sites…..YOU AIN”T GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!! Dating is NOT a priority. Healing and getting your ‘house’ in order comes first.
Now….get busy!
chinagirl
Yes it all makes sense….but you are onto it now and beginning to break it down and have another look. That is a brave thing to do…finally face this and see it for what it really is. So much to take in, work out…it is truly bewildering and overwhelming…so slow down, remember to breathe and be…
I did the same thing…tried to get someone else to cover the pain…but I just couldn’t do it to myself in the end…I decided to stop dating and try and just nurse myself through what felt like a roller coaster ride of negative emotions…horrible..I needed a period of transition to negotiate the parts of me that were lost. I literally called all the pieces of me back…he had left me in bits…I was not the person I was prior to meeting him and will never be He was a major negative event in my life at a time I was feeling strong, vibrant, healthy and up for anything…so it takes time…staring at walls saying “how could he do that to me….” now I can walk around saying “how could he have done that to me” step by step
DEar China girl,
I know you ARE a therapist but have you gotten any therapy? EMDR helped me with the PTSD and I had it very badly. I am a registered advance practice nurse, but had to retire because I didn’t have enough short term memory to function safely at work. (Fortunately I am old enough that wasn’t a big problem retiring a few years early) If I had been 30 it would have been a BIG deal.
Also, you might consider being evaluated for psychotropic medication for the PTSD by a psychiatrist. Pharmacology has saved my sanity and my life!!!! WHOOPIE DRUGS!!!!! I am now on a low dose but grateful that it helps.
PTSD is not a thing that you want to try to “cure yourself” from. It is a serious brain-altering chemical-changing REAL thing that isn’t just something to “be tough” and “get over” so don’t even try it without some serious help. LF is a great help but for most things like PTSD it isn’t enough. Serious medical help is needed here.
The eat well, sleep better, rest, and exercise is GREAT and must be a complement to the medical management and oversight. In this thing we must get ALL HANDS ON DECK to help us heal. Use every asset we have available. ((((Hugs))))) and God bless.
EB, Become one with the recliner. Funny. 🙂
I’m going to use that when I need some meditation time.
WOW! Erinbrock, Bulletproof, OxDrover and all LF….thank you, again and again.
Erinbrock: I really need that pep talk and the get busy! Really. It is imperitive that i get my shit together…five years I feel wasted flying around trying to get my life back together, trying to survive and wanting everything back the way it was (my beautiful house I designed, my car, my girl, my life) and I made so many mistakes this whole damn time. Even so far as to relapse…for a short time but since he had a key stroke monitor on my computer he found out and I refused to lie about it because I did and do work an honest program of recovery….so I admitted to it. I think I’d look worse if I tried to lie….so that hurt me, of course, although I had only relapsed a couple of months and I followed all the judges orders on that (she wanted me to go back and do another outpatient treatment although I had already done that and had had five years solid recovery prior to the 2 months I relapsed on vicodin…my sponsor even came to court for me) and not to justify I just couldn’t handle all the pain…my mom’s diagnosis with breast cancer, my dad was dx with alzheimer’s, my son’s fiance died, and I found out I was going to be in horrendous custody battle with a psychopath….I was alone, my friends abandoned me and I made stupid stupid mistakes. Then, i got into grad school, graduated while going to help my mom every other weekend with my dad and it took at 5 hour drive to get there…while in grad school, while driving the opposite way to pick up my dauthter 3 hours every other Friday to see her for weekends and graduated with a 3.8. So! I have done some good things as well, but as I said I am kicking myself…again…for reacting, not responding and I have let him win so far. I haven’t been to see my daughter yet because I have been trying to survive…literally but I need to get down there now. I have to pay to see her, too. $125.00 every Sat for just two hours supervised and there is just no reason that needs to happen. Anyway, didn’t mean to slip into poor me. what I am trying to say is thank you for the kick in the pants pep talk because i do need to get myself together and not be afraid. I feel very alone in this battle and I do not trust ANYONE, not even my son which sounds horrible but I just don’t. He still talks to my s ex and uses his nickname….I just don’t trust that. I will stop the dating thing. I can’t do it anyway. I inevitably cancel on everyone at the last minute anyway. I can’t imagine having a physical relationship and so far has chosen poorly still and that means I’m so not ready yet. I don’t have anything to give in that area. I give everything I have to my few clients…and I need to build my practice. I, too, am a advanced practice nurse. I used to be a nurse anesthetist and I loved the field, but when I got married we moved to a town in the NW that doesn’t have nurse anesthetists providing anesthesia and I almost think it was a plan because I was offered a job in a town I could commute to and my ex said “over my dead body” and I couldn’t understand why he said that…now I get it. Isolation, make me dependent….and it never felt good…and he always put down the things that I did do well..as I tried to adjust to not working and having my own career after years and years of working. I have always planned on going back to get my master’s in psych and because I had several anesthesia colleagues die of OD I knew I wanted to focus my practice on addiction medicine. Now I want to add to this practice helping people who have been abused by sociopaths….but as I said, after I heal.
OxDrover, yes I have gotten lots of therapy the past five years. Well, not lots, but intermittent and have worked trying to get through this but I have been diagnosed incorrectly! No one caught on to my ex’s crap and it has all been about me moving on…well as you know that is only part of this. I haven’t been able to move on because it continues to happen, the sabotage, the harrassment, the terrorizing. the 25 text messages…although at this time I have cut contact with him and try to only contact his new wife about my daughter. I don’t read his texts or emails…I just save them. And i do need some therapy…PTSD work because of not only my past but of this, to. I have never had EMDR and don’t know a lot about it…A friend does that work but she lives in Canada. The All Hands on Deck is a for sure. Thank you all…because I need to really whip myself into shape here. God, I am tired. and depressed but starting to feel like at least I have some answers and support. I wish you all lived here! LOL. And Bulletproof: my getting a guy to cover my pain just doesn’t work for me any more. I have grown up in that area or rather maybe have seen the character defect that needed attention…going from one relationship to another and NOT FEELING. I have learned in my recovery to feel and to know that they are just feelings…not good, not bad, they just are. And once I label them feel them I can move forward from them. I have had a lifetime of self destructive shit…I need to love myself. As you also said, my ex has been a negative force in my life. The person I was when I met him is gone. I miss her! Although i had some things to work on at that time, obviously!, I was alive, fun, smart, independent, made a great living, had a great condo….friends…a life! I feel like I live in a hole now, withdrawn from life. But I like the changing of the verb tense bulletproof in that he has in the past hurt you, not present. Mine feels too present tense and I need to put in into past tense. I had to read what you wrote a couple of times to hear what you were saying! But I get it.
Ok, time to KICK IT UP SEVERAL NOTCHES!