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The most heartbreaking dramas that sociopaths create are those that involve children. Many sociopathic parents stand up in court proclaiming that they “only want what is best for the children.” They’re lying. What they really want is to use the children as clubs to beat their ex-partners into submission.
There is no such thing as a simple phone call to find out what little Johnny needs to bring to soccer practice. Every phone call or e-mail is an opportunity for the sociopath to manipulate, denigrate and infuriate the ex, through lies, innuendo and misinformation. For the parent trying to protect the children, it’s exhausting.
A few months ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Penny,” who is in this situation. She wrote her Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath. One of Penny’s recommendations was that parents request that all communications with their former partners go through Our Family Wizard.
Our Family Wizard
Our Family Wizard is a website designed to facilitate communications between separated or divorced parents in relation to their children. It promotes “cooperative parenting:”
Parents can coordinate shared custody and joint custody parenting time schedules, health records, immunization histories, expense sharing, school information, virtual document storage and much more on a website specifically designed to deal with the issues that arise in co-parenting situation.
Our website is committed to removing conflict and improving the lives of children. In fact, judges in all 50 states order families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce conflict.
The Our Family Wizard website is a great tool for managing difficult parenting relationships. The website provides excellent documentation to help reduce conflict that may arise from ineffective communication. Should you need to return to court, all pages are printable and most come with a preformatted print option with all the necessary data you will need to show that you have met your parenting obligations.
The service costs $99 per year per parent. “This fee is worth it,” Penny wrote. “I know this because the judge hearing my case ordered that communication between my ex and I take place solely on the Our Family Wizard website. The judge also ordered that no verbal communication is to take place between the parties facilitating the exchange of my child.”
No creative language
Thousands of families use Our Family Wizard, according to Jainarain Kissoon, CEO. One reason why it helps in high-conflict situations, Kissoon says, is because the website’s structured format allows no room for “creative language.”
“Phone conversations used to turn into heated battles, then the battles moved to e-mail,” Kissoon says. “The site helps compartmentalize what everyone is doing. In co-parenting classes, they emphasize businesslike communication. The site provides organization—there are no long e-mails back and forth.”
With Our Family Wizard, parents can limit communication to filling in the blanks—soccer game, what day, what time, what the child needs to bring.
Features
Our Family Wizard includes the following features:
- Calendar—each calendar event, such as soccer practice, includes which children participate, the location, the drop off parent and the pick up parent.
- Journal—entries can be shared or private. It’s a place to document any incidents, and all notes are time and date stamped.
- Message board—With no outside e-mail servers, there are no lost messages and always a way to verify a message has been received.
- Info bank—A place to manage all family information, such as schools, childcare providers, immunization history, emergency contacts, insurance and more.
- Expense log—tracks shared expenses, automatically calculating each parent’s contribution.
Documentation
An important benefit of Our Family Wizard is its level of documentation:
- Each entry is time and date stamped—who created it and when
- Every page is stamped with the last time both parents viewed it
- Messages cannot be altered or unsent
- Dates on journal entries cannot be altered.
- One parent cannot change the other parent’s information
- Nearly everything can be tracked back to an IP address
- An accurate chronology of events can be produced
- All pages are printable
The software includes the option of third-party accounts, so, if necessary, therapists or guardians ad litem can monitor communications. If a parent engages in abusive behavior, it is readily discovered and difficult to deny.
With Our Family Wizard, it becomes easy to tell who is complying with court orders, and who is not. Kissoon relates why one judge said he liked the software: “It gives people enough rope to hang themselves.”
In an early pilot program for the software, a judge ordered 40 families to communicate only through Our Family Wizard. For two years, none of the families were back in court.
Testimonials
The Our Family Wizard website includes testimonials from parents. “Manuel S” wrote:
I am thankful to this avenue of communication. It has controlled the nasty phone calls from my ex-wife to me and my wife, and has put an end to her foul language since she is aware the content of messages is monitored. I have documentation to avoid he said she said situations and her violations of my rights to see my kids!”
Penny says the website works. “Please mention to readers that they can request that Our Family Wizard be ordered by the judge hearing their case,” she wrote. “The judge can order the Our Family Wizard email as the sole means of communication between couples litigating a child custody/visitation dispute.”
For more information, visit the website below. If you decide to subscribe to OurFamilyWizard, Lovefraud will earn a commission from your purchase.
ErinBrock-one more thing. I, too, have been thinking about the 2 nannies that are gone. (He also had an entire office staff do a mass exodus on him including a physician partner who won’t talk to him…I never found out what happened of course he spun it to be about them! and at that time I still believed him because what he did, and I even kind of recognized this then..was he became super super nice and kind to me, made me feel like his friend and partner (like I always wanted and asked for and he said his first wife told him the same thing!) and I see that I was probably his only friend and ally at that moment when the entire offie up and quit. interesting…I tried to talk to one of the staff during the divorce but she didn’t want to go there and I don’t blame her. But I do have the nannies phone numbers and am trying to figure out a way to open up a dialogue with them. My fear is they tell him and when I do stuff “to” him he gets more vindictive towards me. another thing, his first wife, the one I visited in Atlanta (I wrote in my bio i think) she is pretty well known in Atlanta, works wtih Give Back a Smile and we did a shoot for New Beauty magazine on domestic violence. About 8 of us where in the photo all talking about dv and she was on the Atlanta news talking about our ex and the fact he was getting remarried again (this was 2006)…his father, a dentist in the south, and my spath both got the magazines delivered to them apparently by his first wife but it set him off against me. so there we are, his two wives in a photo shoot about DV. Unfotunately it did nothing for me in court. No one believed it. No one cared plus I had a horrible attorney. Long story and I have fired several attorneys along the way for incompetence in this area. And the other thing is his cousin, a cousin who does not like him, just got married in may to someone famous in hollywood….I don’t know her that well, although we spent a little time together and she liked my son a lot…I had to keep myself from posting online about their recent wedding and slamming my ex, which would be inappropriate for the cousin! Anyway, wondering how I can utilize these things….if at all. Whenever I try to muscle up to him he gets scary. The eyes of his are still so scary to me. You can see the evil.
Hugs to all of you out there surviving this….
Dear Chinagirl,
I hear your pain, and your panic, and your frustration. You’ve got a lot on your plate GF! I definitely understand that.
First off, your “one huge paragraph” posting makes it hard for an old woman like me to read it. Post AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, but please divide it up into paragraphs some how if you can. LOL
If you are an APN and got through anesthesia school you are a bright woman, so I know you can use that brain power to help you get your stuff together.
Right now, don’t even think about “muscling up” on him. I muscled up on my P-son and almost got killed for my trouble. Right now, make YOURSELF THE FOCUS OF YOUR HEALING.
Remember on an airliner when they tell you if the oxygen masks drop and you have a child with you, put YOURS ON FIRST and then the one on the child. Because if you are not functional, you CANNOT HELP SOMEONE ELSE.
Are you reliably able to communicate with your daughter by telephone or letter/card? If so, call her regularly. Send her a card of some kind almost every day if you know she is getting them. Visit as often as possible.
Right now, your energy is limited, just like time is limited, or money, energy to heal is part of what you need to reserve for yourself.
Keep your cards close to your chest. Don’t trust anyone that knows him not to blab to him. Do your venting here, there are some savy people here with good heads, so use THIS RESOURCE it is like the old cell phone ad, “You have the NETWORK FROM LOVE FRAUD BEHIND YOU” There are psychiatrists,physicians, journalists, lawyers,nurses, therapists, and all kinds of other smart folks here. One of the first things I noticed here is that this is one of the brightest group of people I have ever encountered on a blog. Not everyone has a college degree but even those who don’t have are SMART folks.
Just finding such a place where there were folks smarter’n me that got zinged by a psychopath was really a comfort to me, as tacky as that sounds! I knew I wasn’t the only smart person in the world who got nailed. But it isn’t about being “smart” it is about using those smarts to learn and to protect yourself. To GIVE TO YOURSELF without going into the FOG (fear, obligation and Guilt)
Keep reading as many of the older archived articles as you can, the more you know the better, but the recovery is a day at a time, and it is like peeling an onion, each layer you clean off, there is another one under it,, so don’t rush yourself, just one layer at a time….digest that and then peel another one. ((((Hugs))))
Oxdrover- so sorry about the huge paragraphs. I am sooooo bad about that but will change it.
Thanks again! I understand the feeling of not being the only one…to be feeling so duped and naive makes me insane! I hate the fact that I have to change and not trust much any more but it is what I have to do. I don’t like having that “baggage” and it is unfair to people who come into my life who have done nothing. Yet, I just can’t afford to trust. not right now. That includes my son. Which makes me feel really bad…but wait! in a way he did it himself by keeping contact with the spath and using his endearing nickname etc. My best friend thinks my son should stop contact all together. I don’t feel I can tell y 26 yo son who to have contact with.
I love using the spath word….I can’t stand his name and it creeps me out to use it and the name I gave him, Fuckwit, isn’t always appropriate!
I certainly have learned a lot the past few days. Really enjoying the articles.
I have thought that i need to send my daughter a letter everyday. I wish I could trust she’d get emails…i don’t trust she will get anything I send and I try to send stuff every month.
Lastly, I had documented all the nightmarish stuff for the past five years. One day i came home and my house felt like someone had been in it. I was forced to always keep my ex informed of my address (court order parenting plan…he didn’t follow his court order telling me where he was flying with her, what airline etc. however) but my house just didn’t feel right. Nothing I could put my finger on…and then I checked the back bedroom windows. they were unlocked and I NEVER unlock those windows. I work a lot so I was never there….easy to break into. Neighbors wouldn’t be watching etc. Then about a month later I couldn’t find my notebook with all the “incidents” that the spath did, all the times he changed the pick up and drop off times for my daughter, all the times he lied, all the times he had her inappropriatel dressed, looking dirty, wearing clothes too small (I pay him 500month for child support)…I had kept a strict journal of things and it is gone. GONE! My new attorney told me that all the past stuff can’t be used again anyway…hmmm…I don’t see why I can’t introduce evidence of harrassment at some point in the future when I go back to court to prove his behavior. Doesn’t surprise me it is gone.
I have a new laptop and want to get some kind of encryption on it…I feel so violated all of the time and feel naive about how to protect myself online…any ideas there? I do not send him emails from the account I use daily. I also do not open anything he attaches anymore. I had some weird stuff happen, my previous laptop crashed and there were weird files, as I tried to trouble shoot what happened, file names came up with my name, my sons and my daughters and I have no files by those names…it made me wonder again if he was trying to hack into my computer. paranoid? Most likely!
Ok, gotta do some work today! Thanks again for everything. really.
Dear China girl,
Don’t worry about the paragraphs it just makes it easier for us old timers with poor eye sight to read and keep it straight.
Okay, get you a safe, a fire safe, they can be had for about $150 and have it BOLTED TO YOUR FLOOR or wall, hide it bck inside a closet as well. They are about one ft. by one ft. square but hold a lot of papers and so on. If it is bolted down (the tops of the bolts are inside the safe which is locked, AND I DOUBT THE PERSON ENTERING YOUR HOUSE IS A SAFE CRACKER….and if it is bolted they can’t haul it off. Turn some cardboard box over it to make it look like something stored there.
Lock all windows AND have them screwed down (you can do this yourself if you are handy and if not get a male friend with a good drill to do it. It will only leave minior holes in the woodwork which you can repair when you leave the house or apartment.
Also, put sticks in the window or sliding glass door so the stick will keep it from being raised or slid side to side.
Get DEAD BOLTS for your front and rear doors—there is a thing called a “bump key” which is a set of burgular keys, they are available cheap on the internet, and allow the person who has them to open ALMOST any lock. make SURE that you get BUMP-KEY PROOF locks.
Also, get you a “nanny cam” and hide it in your house and turn it on, or give it a motion activation, so that anyone inside your house is RECORDED but doesn’t know they are being recorded.
These precautions may not be necessary, but I figure if he has been there 2 x he will come back again. BE PREPARED. Then if you get proof you can charge him with breaking and entering felony!
As far as computer is concerned. Take your new lap top to a place that can scan it and check it out if you are not computer savy enough to do so.
Then use that computer for other stuff, but keep your old or a cheap back up or one of those note book Don’t hook your good computer up to the e mail at all.
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PARANOID DOESN’T MEAN SOMEONE ISN’T OUT TO GET YOU.
Continue to keep your journal and TAKE PHOTOS of her when you visit her to document any inappropriate clothing or dirt. Also make sure you get the name of the person who monitors you.
As for your son still being “friends” with the P, well There are two ways to look at that I think.
Number one, if you are my friend and olur “mutual friend” Sam beats me up for no reason, or burns my house down, if you continue to be Sam’s “friend”—-what does that say about your respect and concern for me?
Number two: My son is 26 years old and he is an adult, he can choose his own friends and has a right to do so.
Well,, I have been in that situation and I chose NUMBER 2, but in my case at least that was NOT a good choice. When all hell broke loose and some of the Psychopaths in our family and the “Trojan horse Psychopath” were arrested, son C was all apologetic and ohhhhh so sorrry he had not believed me before and had believed the Ps—-but later on, When he lied to me again (for the Ump-teenth time and I am essentially NO Contact with him now except for business and by e mail then) I realized this was a MOVIE I HAD SEEN BEFORE. In the past multiple times he had sided with the psychopaths that he KNEW AT THE TIME WERE RIPPING ME OFF, doing illegal and immoral things, and until the entire episode blew up in everyone’s face he sided with them.
Well, you know, I figure if someone tries to seriously hurt me and you are either not willing to acknowledge my injury or the person who did it, then I must not mean very much to you—that is until YOU NEED ME—and then I am a “prophet” and a “saint.” Nah, My friends are NOT friends with my enemies. I will not TRUST anyone who hangs out with those that are actively or have actively hurt me.
In your case, maybe your son is duped, but I would not trust him, I think you are right not to trust him or anyone else for that matter who is “friends” with your X.
http://courthouseforum.com/index.php
I don’t remember where you posted this…..but the above is a court ‘report’ for all courts in the US. Judges etc…
EB, thanks darling! You are so smart. I wish I had a brain that wasn’t like Swiss cheese!
You know, the more I think about it, the more I see that lots of people have “sided” with the Ps and still claimed to be my friends, and either they trivalized or devalued my feelings in doing so, (and remaining “friends” with the evil doer) or devalued me.
Not any more, if you are friends with my ENEMY you are NOT my friend. Period. You makes your decisions and choices. Me or them. I used to think I was being “open minded” by not insisting that others NOT be friends with my enemies if they wanted to be friends with me, but as it is I think I was so OPEN MINDED MY BRAINS FELL OUT. LOL
The website would have been a lifesaver in my divorce. Except for one thing. My ex doesn’t own a computer and has no interest in such a thing. The courts were catering to him, and would have said he doesn’t have to.
Then the court would have looked at me and told me to “act like an adult for once, and get along with him” cause that is what they said to me throughout the divorce.
He would call on the false pretense of wanted to talk to our kids. But, he was really calling to talk to me. He began describing his girlfriends body and I hung up on him.
He told the court that he can’t talk to me like an adult cause I hang up on him. The court believed him.
And, even if he was computer literate he would have refused cause he didn’t want witnesses. He missed his rush of beating me down and wanted to abuse me from afar. He would have made up some smooth excuse of why he didn’t want that site involved. He probably would have said there is no problem except her. (me)
The website is a great idea. But, only if you get a judge who listens, and attorneys who listen.
Hi again, OxDrover,
Really great advice…I like the motion detection nanny cam idea. and the bump key proof dead bolts which I had never heard of. I am wishing I could go to “PI” school and learn some tricks! i actually tried to call a local PI to see if they could help in some way…gave them a bit of the story…but no, they appeared clueless.
As for my son. I have always wondered why he wouldn’t give up his relationship for spath. He knows a lot of what spath has done but he has never really seemed like he believed me. I don’t quite get it. My son told me he never really liked my ex yet something just doesn’t feel quite right. I expect my son to side with me and about 2 years ago i quit telling my son things because I felt my ex was getting info that no one else knew….but if nothing else I need to go with my gut and my gut says trust no one. And I don’t. I am like you ErinBrock….I trust no one until they prove themselves. Sad, but true.
I feel so much better today. the first time in days actually and I had been spining down into a severe depression. I had been praying and praying and begging for help and viola! I found this site. Since reading articles and the encouragement I have made some decisions. And I have decided to start responding and acting and not sitting here immobilized in my fear and pain and self pity. Tomorrow my daughter is getting a big package of things I got for her and made for her, including letters and a journal for her to write to me in….and then I am going to work out and eat healthy. One day at a time. i have gone too long in this pathetic pity party and I am a smart woman, not a push over. I have been too nice and too naive….and I’m done with it. I am keeping my mouth shut about this stuff to everyone except this site and my attorney when I find one I actually believe can help me. And I will work on getting my practice more successful. I have just started it and my fears have been that spath will try to contact my clients and sabotage me. I had not put up my website yet because of that fear and my attorney told me to go ahead and do what I need to do for my practice and he said he will be sending a letter to spath’s attorney basically saying he is on board and we are watching everything. I am not sure yet if he is the right attorney and well, Idon’t have enough to retain him yet anyway….but one thing at a time.
First I get myself healthy and thinking clearly and contact my little sweet heart daily and then go from there.
Ok, time for sleep. If I can sleep. I have too many nightmares and have a hard time sleeping because i am scared to sleep. PTSD? YES!
Thank you again everyone for all the advice and encouragement. I love the idea that from this day forward I will be responding in ways that my spath is not expecting and I will remain empowered and alive!
Chinagirl:
PI school is right here on LF!
Camera’s are CHEAP! Get one!
So are alarms-get one!
A digi recorder and a digi camera in your purse at all times is a great tool…..just get use to keeping them in the purse.
I second oxy’s advise on keeping an eye on the 26 yr old son.
When I was in the heat of ‘it’……I cut EVERYONE off. I didn’t trust a sole.
It was a really sad state to be…..but I HAD no choice to ‘clean house’.
My own family turned against me…….who’d a thunk?
I was going in for surgery and had just had 2 strokes etc…..and the dr’s insisted I needed an emergency contact.
I didn’t even trust my kids, because they had been brain washed when they were kidnapped………
I HAD NO ONE! I thought….damn, i’m gonna give power of attorney over to someone, and i’m gonna be done it at surgery.
I took a chance with a cousins wife…..THANK GOD I DID!
I was diagnosed with cancer at that surgery……and spath called the hospital and acted really weird……she answered the phone and was BLOWN AWAY by his lack of concern for me. WIthin 20 minutes of that call…..I got a call from a neighbor saying he was breaking into the house via the 3rd story window……with trucks outside…..the house was ransacked as I was swallowing a cancer diagnosis!
Whodathunk?
Well…..cousin wife saw it all…..first hand……and she was just so taken back by the reality……she took that info back to my mothers twin sister (her mil) and no one doubted her.
Execpt my mother…….
It was just the exposure I needed….
Like she says to this day…..I never doubted your stories, but they were just so over the top……I couldn’t put my head around them……you were with him for 28 years…..was it that bad…..she said, when she saw what she saw…..and brought me home to the mess…..knowing we had the house all cleaned up and set up for my recovery…..and what was missing…..it was the most pathetic display she’d ever seen.
Not even mentioning the fact she had to park my car (she used) at another downtown hotel, because he was cruising the parking lot of the hospital looking to take my car while I was in. We watched him from my hospital room!
But…..i’ll tell ya…..I like oxy……don’t associate with anyone who associates with spath. I never gave peeps ultimatums…..I CHOSE! I just pulled away.
I learned who was still in contact through my ‘recon’ mission. And it was funny all the peeps who called me and claimed they didn’t have contact with him……..and I knew they did!
He had a cell phone I paid for…..I set up……and I had the VM code to…..and I checked regularly! So…….even my parents claimed to the whole family……WE DON”T SPEAK TO HIM…..as I had recorded messages from them.
One time, I played a message my mother left for another cousin, who was insistant mother was NC….I told her….it’s a BOLD FACED LIE! Played the cozy message with date/time and callers number…..and she was SHOCKED! Couldn’t get around that one…..
So….I knew…..no doubt.
But….even now…..he still stalks us occasionally and makes weird attempts……I’ve even changed plumbers and other vendors with my business….if there is ANY doubt they can be conned (knowingly or not) into revealing info on us.
ANY INFO……like yeah…she’s still breathing.
CUT EM OFF!
So many people just don’t want to ‘be involved’…..but little do they realize…..spaths will always involve whomever they deem they need….on any level.
Spath involved the kids at the high school to torment and harass my eldests.
Even the people at the meat market looked at me through one eye for about a year.
So…..i never pressed any of them. Because I always knew…..he’d be exposed! They’d learn the truth on their own…….and sure enough…..
In April of this year….I got a call from a news reporter…..asking for spath…..saying he wanted a comment on the 2 felony drug charges he was facing in XXX state.
Well….when that came out in the newspaper……and ALL over the internet……Huhummmmmmmm EXPOSURE!!!!
HA!
That was the week I went out into town, cruised every grocery store, hung out at community mixers and made myself SEEN!
It was GLORIOUS!
All the one eyed lookers who were told I was crazy, mentally ill, and had faked my cancer……now saw a whole different light!
It all came full circle.
We only need to worry about our own behaviors….this is the important VITAL issue here……
The spaths masks will slip….they will fall, and they will be exposed….and the truth WILL reveal itself.
To our kids, to our families, to our friends, to the courts……
It’s so not worth going around explaining ourselves…..we do look crazy….
We just need to do all we can NOT to do anything that can be misconstrued…..in any way.
We need to follow through with all court orders and hold them to the flame.
If you can call your daughter…..call her every night at x time….
Send emails and make sure you copy yourself.
STAY CLEAN!
Keep your nose out of ANY trouble.
Commit to yourself…..no matter what or how low you get…..there are certain things that are NOT an option.
Learn self control,patience and be tenacious.
Decide YOUR boundaries and STICK TO EM LIKE GLUE!
Drive the 2.5 hours to attend ANYTHING YOU CAN. Sports games, school plays….whatever……ask for that permission.
Ask for permission (if needed ) to call nightly…
It’s important you remain connected to your daughter.
Kids will ‘move’ on quickly……so don’t give him that chance.
Send her pics of you, an animal, a funny place you two enjoyed together……..keep those memories alive and well in her.
Counter control the effects of his alienation on her…..but do it nicely, and in a loveing manner.
FOLLOW THROUGH with ANY and ALL court orders……you MUST go that length. Come hell or high water……or you lose your validity in the courts.
I’m glad you are feeling better…..support and validation are important part of the healing and giving us strength.
We ‘get it’…….and we are here for ya!
You are NOT a victim…..YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!!
Claim it!
Throw him for a loop……With a smile and boundaries.
chinagirl,
Your precious daughter will love receiving the package from her mother. She will be blessed by all the good surprises that you have for her. Be sure to do great things for yourself too, lifting yourself up when needed. Peace.