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The most heartbreaking dramas that sociopaths create are those that involve children. Many sociopathic parents stand up in court proclaiming that they “only want what is best for the children.” They’re lying. What they really want is to use the children as clubs to beat their ex-partners into submission.
There is no such thing as a simple phone call to find out what little Johnny needs to bring to soccer practice. Every phone call or e-mail is an opportunity for the sociopath to manipulate, denigrate and infuriate the ex, through lies, innuendo and misinformation. For the parent trying to protect the children, it’s exhausting.
A few months ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Penny,” who is in this situation. She wrote her Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath. One of Penny’s recommendations was that parents request that all communications with their former partners go through Our Family Wizard.
Our Family Wizard
Our Family Wizard is a website designed to facilitate communications between separated or divorced parents in relation to their children. It promotes “cooperative parenting:”
Parents can coordinate shared custody and joint custody parenting time schedules, health records, immunization histories, expense sharing, school information, virtual document storage and much more on a website specifically designed to deal with the issues that arise in co-parenting situation.
Our website is committed to removing conflict and improving the lives of children. In fact, judges in all 50 states order families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce conflict.
The Our Family Wizard website is a great tool for managing difficult parenting relationships. The website provides excellent documentation to help reduce conflict that may arise from ineffective communication. Should you need to return to court, all pages are printable and most come with a preformatted print option with all the necessary data you will need to show that you have met your parenting obligations.
The service costs $99 per year per parent. “This fee is worth it,” Penny wrote. “I know this because the judge hearing my case ordered that communication between my ex and I take place solely on the Our Family Wizard website. The judge also ordered that no verbal communication is to take place between the parties facilitating the exchange of my child.”
No creative language
Thousands of families use Our Family Wizard, according to Jainarain Kissoon, CEO. One reason why it helps in high-conflict situations, Kissoon says, is because the website’s structured format allows no room for “creative language.”
“Phone conversations used to turn into heated battles, then the battles moved to e-mail,” Kissoon says. “The site helps compartmentalize what everyone is doing. In co-parenting classes, they emphasize businesslike communication. The site provides organization—there are no long e-mails back and forth.”
With Our Family Wizard, parents can limit communication to filling in the blanks—soccer game, what day, what time, what the child needs to bring.
Features
Our Family Wizard includes the following features:
- Calendar—each calendar event, such as soccer practice, includes which children participate, the location, the drop off parent and the pick up parent.
- Journal—entries can be shared or private. It’s a place to document any incidents, and all notes are time and date stamped.
- Message board—With no outside e-mail servers, there are no lost messages and always a way to verify a message has been received.
- Info bank—A place to manage all family information, such as schools, childcare providers, immunization history, emergency contacts, insurance and more.
- Expense log—tracks shared expenses, automatically calculating each parent’s contribution.
Documentation
An important benefit of Our Family Wizard is its level of documentation:
- Each entry is time and date stamped—who created it and when
- Every page is stamped with the last time both parents viewed it
- Messages cannot be altered or unsent
- Dates on journal entries cannot be altered.
- One parent cannot change the other parent’s information
- Nearly everything can be tracked back to an IP address
- An accurate chronology of events can be produced
- All pages are printable
The software includes the option of third-party accounts, so, if necessary, therapists or guardians ad litem can monitor communications. If a parent engages in abusive behavior, it is readily discovered and difficult to deny.
With Our Family Wizard, it becomes easy to tell who is complying with court orders, and who is not. Kissoon relates why one judge said he liked the software: “It gives people enough rope to hang themselves.”
In an early pilot program for the software, a judge ordered 40 families to communicate only through Our Family Wizard. For two years, none of the families were back in court.
Testimonials
The Our Family Wizard website includes testimonials from parents. “Manuel S” wrote:
I am thankful to this avenue of communication. It has controlled the nasty phone calls from my ex-wife to me and my wife, and has put an end to her foul language since she is aware the content of messages is monitored. I have documentation to avoid he said she said situations and her violations of my rights to see my kids!”
Penny says the website works. “Please mention to readers that they can request that Our Family Wizard be ordered by the judge hearing their case,” she wrote. “The judge can order the Our Family Wizard email as the sole means of communication between couples litigating a child custody/visitation dispute.”
For more information, visit the website below. If you decide to subscribe to OurFamilyWizard, Lovefraud will earn a commission from your purchase.
One more thing and it is sad/funny…but I am a 50 yo woman who has to ask if my boundaries are solid, if my thinking is correct? My gawd….sad….what have I done to myself?
Also, looking at how I started dating spath and all that I talked about yesterday…wow. I see how I was targeted…he could sense how much he could control me when he was in the initial stages of dating me….how much I allowed him to do what he did….and then even in the marriage…during the first year when I went to treatment for my vicodin addiction…I completed my treatment and in my aftercare i remember having spath come in and talk with me with my counselor and I told him that the fact that I had not told him of my using vicodin made me sick…I felt so bad…so horrible…and that I would let him out of the marriage and ask for nothing at all…I would just pack my clothes and furniture that I brought into the marriage and leave. I would ask for absolutely nothing. He could have the house. I would leave town and he could move on. I was crying, I was sincere. I meant it. I felt like shit. He said, no. he didn’t want to divorce me…he didn’t want me to leave. I gave him time to think about it, told him to talk about it to trusted friend (yet he had no male friends) and he still said he didn’t want me to leave. So, I made my amends and at that moment I began my true recovery. Five years clean during the rest of the marriage…I worked hard. Went to meetings every day for 3 years. Worked in my church helping others, worked in the women’s jail helping women in recovery. etc. But what I see now is he was resentful and he used that resentment against me the rest of the marriage. I don’t know if he saw my recovery as a way to get something or what. I just know I see now the planning….taking me off the accounts three years later…I am sure he was hiding money with the smoke and mirrors he did around finances….I found a guy who did investments on our computer and found he had been investing…something I knew nothing about etc. I had a Focus on the Family counselor talk to me via phone for 2 hours when I called to talk about his porn addiction…and this guy knew right off the bat who he is. the counselor told me “Hey you can stay another five years and be in worse shape or leave now. This guys’s bottom is not you or your daughter, it is money and his reputation” and it all makes sense now. I embarrassed him when I left him. No one leaves me he said. And two of us did.
It is just such a steep learning curve. So much information is flowing through right now. I am having these aha moments every hour. I feel ill and exhausted. I am afraid to sleep. I fall asleep and will start to dream in 5 minutes…then wake up in a severe depression….an almost panic attack…and have to breathe and calm myself down. I can’t sleep because i am too afraid to sleep. I have had too many losses in a short time. My mom died in Feb and I lost my dad right now (my spath brother is trying to keep me away, lying…I talked about it earlier), my daughter, my son’s fiance who died, even my relationship with my son is different, the loss of my marriage and my hopes and dreams of what i wanted for my family, lost all my friends and church, even now have lost friends because no one can handle this shit that I have been crying about for five years, lost my house due to financial issues, I got evicted illegally after my spath and spath brother called landlords and told them lies…I am actually suing right now for wrongful eviction…same with a job….got fired after my mom died….I am also suing them for wrongful termination…attorney says I have cases for both of these….and I refuse to just sit and let it go without fighting back. My ex told me he was going to ‘destroy me’ and wanted me to live on the streets. I am one or two paychecks away….so I have had to move three times in a year….on and on….I know i am not the only one. But it doesn’t diminish the pain and the loss and the tragedy….it just is hard to wrap my brain around…I wish I wouldn’t have waited five years to get it. I kept thinking it would get better..that I did something wrong and if I just do things right it will change. Ha! Not quite!
Dear Chinagirl,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this, if that is any consolation. Many of us here have lost our families, our homes, our finances, our jobs, our children, our sanity….and sure it hurts.
SO MANY LOSSES all at once makes it harder for you right now because of the stress level. YOU MOST LIKELY have some PTSD as well. So formulate a PLAN to work on yourself.
1) see a psych doc and get some medicine if you are not already doing
2) go to an Al-anon meeting or NA meeting, whatever you feel is available and appropriate
3) counseling with someone who DOES GET IT
4) Physical exercise periods on a daily basis
5) medication for sleep if deemed appropriate by your psych physician some of the tricyclic antidepresion meds can used for this and are not “addictive” but very helpful (SLEEP IS IMPORTANT) Anti histimines like vistaral or benadryl are also useful for sleep.
6) eat three balanced meals per day
7) drink 8 glasses of water a day
8) get a medical check up and a mammogram
I know that is a long list of time consuming things to do but it is one that you need to sort out to TAKE CARE OF YOU so if there is anything on that list that you haven’t done, do it. Then Keep doing it. TAKE CARE OF YOU.
With the incredible load of stress you have had you WILL become ill or have a bad accident. Holmes and Rae stress scale of CHANGES in you life in a 3 year period will almost guarrentee either an accident or illness if it is scored over 300 points.
For example, a divorce, a death in the family, a serious illness, etc. all these things by themselves rank 100 points, but you can assign any point system you want to in your own private scores. And I can tell you a “divorce” from a P is more than 100 points! LOL So it is important that you MINIMIZE/AVOID ALL THE STRESS YOU CAN. Change=stress so keep change to a minimum and don’t ADD anything new that you don’t have to.
Divide problems up in to two lists”
1) things I can do something about
2) things I can do LITTLE OR NOTHING about.
Take list two and quit worrying about trying to fix those things, just ignore them (it will be difficult at first) and concentrate on doing thins for yourself that you CAN do something about.
And keep on reading here on LF about how to recognize Ps and how to heal and comfort yourself! ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you as you heal. It WILL get better!!!!
chinagirl,
I feel for you, being able to sympathize. My suggestion is to do little things for yourself each day, blessing yourself in ways that can lift your spirit. You have been through SO MUCH UPHEAVAL in your life, understanding that you would feel shaky, at the end of your rope. My words may not adequately convey to you that I get what you’re experiencing, still being in my own shake-up mode, having experienced enough trauma that it will take time to recover (if ever).
sad but true ….. that’s what my ex does ….. court believes him, i have no hard evidence …. he even conned PhD …… please, we need more awareness and of course law changes!!!!!
i personally believe they should not have custody because they re far to uncaring and reckless ….
kerstinehry- That is so hard…that court believes him over you, how good they are at conning when evidence isn’t solid enough…court needs you to be on your knees before they realise the violation…and that’s unacceptably too late….I agree about the custody issues too, why would you agree to leaving your children with someone that has caused you so much pain and confusion…it’s hideous
bulletproof, yes it is true. It makes me doubt justice and want to take things into my own hands.
It seems that you need to be down on your knees but even then I doubt that the courts care and change their opinion, as has happened to a girl I know. She lost custody over her son to a liar SP.
All my evidence is being ignored by courts and PhD’s. They believe his mere word. . . . UNBELIEVABLE but true…
Meanwhile my friends who know the story think there is something wrong about my story if SP continues to win. . .
Dear Mama Mia,
That is it seems one of the biggest baddest most painful things about breaking up with a psychopath is that our friends (or what we think are friends) don’t validate us and what we say, but instead believe the lying P or the courts which they equate as “right”—when in reality, they are 180 degrees offf base!
I’m glad you found your way here to Lovefraud, it is a good place for support and to gain knowledge. I suggest you read the archived articles, and also go to Dr. Leedom’s site “raising the at risk child” as well as her book, “Just like his father” since you are having issues about your child with your X.
You will at least receive validation here at LF and I know how important it is to have some validation from outside yourself! Been there! Again, Welcome to LF!!! God bless.
Thank you everyone for words of support, ideas how to take care. Right now i am afraid…afraid i won’t get out of this depression…getting migraines weekly…etc.
Mama Mia, kerstinehry: yes, it is difficult when courts believe spath. Mine is very good…the silent strong type. The physician. with my recovery as a part of my background (despite what i have gained being in recovery and the growth and now work I do!!) he is able to use that against me all of the time. And at the end of my rope is when my friends, my son wonder what I am doing wrong because the courts believe him and my brother and having the really good things I did (esp. for my dad when my mom was dying) that got turned around into something evil…it blows my mind. So unprepared for people in my “family” to react that way…sick brother, one who was been estranged from family and one who does not know me at all. He is 10 years older, took off when I was a kid…and just has chip on his shoulder about anyone in life who has accomplished anything.
My spath schmoozed a Ph.D in psych as well…she told me that she thought I was unstable….of course I was! I was going through a difficult divorce and fighting for my life. Spath hooked up with someone immediately and planned to marry and did marry 5 months after divorce. How is THAT better? There is no healing there…but this is someone who obviously can’t and won’t “heal”..anyway. I understand. I wish i could show this Ph.D how stupid she is…what she did to my daughter…and losing my daughter to spath sent me over the edge for sure. just as he hoped. He is very good at taking one grain of truth and twisting it into big time lies that make me look like a freak. Sadly I am starting to feel more and more like that freak….and I thought I’d be better by now. It’s getting worse!
I think right now, after again having this friend of mine react in such needy and desperate ways, coming to my office unannounced because I didn’t email him yesterday and when I set the boundaries he just pushes and pushes…it has made me depressed again because i wonder why i keep attracting these people. Someone as I said I thought was going to be a good friend…he is someone who works with people, not a therapist but trained….a pastor…and when I asked him a question about the Bible he is able to take what I know the Bible says and conveniently make it work for what he wants, rather than what the Bible really says. He has been telling me how horny he is…daily….and I am sick of it. I have told him to stop talking about that to me. Then I’ll challenge his thinking….and say what about what the Bible says about not having sex before marriage? And he says Well, your old pastor who preached that must be sick sexually to preach it that way because I feel if a 50 year old couple is in a committed relationship and wants to have sex before marriage then they can and should. I said to him “Convenient”. I said that is why in AA, NA etc we need a sponsor….otherwise we can easily take the 12 steps, or the bible or whatever and make it work the way WE want it to. It just amazes me! maybe I am just too sensitive right now and I am looking for things….but maybe I am looking for someone who has integrity and not finding it. Maybe I am just losing my mind! That’s more likely! I feel like everyone is sick! I am hyper aware, obviously. Afraid of relationships, and have huge amts of baggage that I hope I can get rid of.
What happened to me? Whenever I feel like ending it all I think about my children who need me despite what they think or hear….and even my clients…Despite my own shit I have the ability to leave it at the door and understanding on a deep level what my clients are going through helps them… I don’t want to give up. It is just so overwhelming. and I definitely don’t want spath to win. This is what he his waiting for…me to give up. Not gonna happen.
chinagirl.
I hear you about wanting to have people of integrity around you. If you do not want to associate with the pastor, drop him from your list. You can be the one with the integrity, waiting on things to sort themselves out, getting on with the business of living, making daily life better for yourself. We do need friends, but if you spend time with others, you want those people to be uplifting, always pointing you in a better direction, good emotional support.
P.S. You can get good emotional support here via the different posters.