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The most heartbreaking dramas that sociopaths create are those that involve children. Many sociopathic parents stand up in court proclaiming that they “only want what is best for the children.” They’re lying. What they really want is to use the children as clubs to beat their ex-partners into submission.
There is no such thing as a simple phone call to find out what little Johnny needs to bring to soccer practice. Every phone call or e-mail is an opportunity for the sociopath to manipulate, denigrate and infuriate the ex, through lies, innuendo and misinformation. For the parent trying to protect the children, it’s exhausting.
A few months ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Penny,” who is in this situation. She wrote her Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath. One of Penny’s recommendations was that parents request that all communications with their former partners go through Our Family Wizard.
Our Family Wizard
Our Family Wizard is a website designed to facilitate communications between separated or divorced parents in relation to their children. It promotes “cooperative parenting:”
Parents can coordinate shared custody and joint custody parenting time schedules, health records, immunization histories, expense sharing, school information, virtual document storage and much more on a website specifically designed to deal with the issues that arise in co-parenting situation.
Our website is committed to removing conflict and improving the lives of children. In fact, judges in all 50 states order families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce conflict.
The Our Family Wizard website is a great tool for managing difficult parenting relationships. The website provides excellent documentation to help reduce conflict that may arise from ineffective communication. Should you need to return to court, all pages are printable and most come with a preformatted print option with all the necessary data you will need to show that you have met your parenting obligations.
The service costs $99 per year per parent. “This fee is worth it,” Penny wrote. “I know this because the judge hearing my case ordered that communication between my ex and I take place solely on the Our Family Wizard website. The judge also ordered that no verbal communication is to take place between the parties facilitating the exchange of my child.”
No creative language
Thousands of families use Our Family Wizard, according to Jainarain Kissoon, CEO. One reason why it helps in high-conflict situations, Kissoon says, is because the website’s structured format allows no room for “creative language.”
“Phone conversations used to turn into heated battles, then the battles moved to e-mail,” Kissoon says. “The site helps compartmentalize what everyone is doing. In co-parenting classes, they emphasize businesslike communication. The site provides organization—there are no long e-mails back and forth.”
With Our Family Wizard, parents can limit communication to filling in the blanks—soccer game, what day, what time, what the child needs to bring.
Features
Our Family Wizard includes the following features:
- Calendar—each calendar event, such as soccer practice, includes which children participate, the location, the drop off parent and the pick up parent.
- Journal—entries can be shared or private. It’s a place to document any incidents, and all notes are time and date stamped.
- Message board—With no outside e-mail servers, there are no lost messages and always a way to verify a message has been received.
- Info bank—A place to manage all family information, such as schools, childcare providers, immunization history, emergency contacts, insurance and more.
- Expense log—tracks shared expenses, automatically calculating each parent’s contribution.
Documentation
An important benefit of Our Family Wizard is its level of documentation:
- Each entry is time and date stamped—who created it and when
- Every page is stamped with the last time both parents viewed it
- Messages cannot be altered or unsent
- Dates on journal entries cannot be altered.
- One parent cannot change the other parent’s information
- Nearly everything can be tracked back to an IP address
- An accurate chronology of events can be produced
- All pages are printable
The software includes the option of third-party accounts, so, if necessary, therapists or guardians ad litem can monitor communications. If a parent engages in abusive behavior, it is readily discovered and difficult to deny.
With Our Family Wizard, it becomes easy to tell who is complying with court orders, and who is not. Kissoon relates why one judge said he liked the software: “It gives people enough rope to hang themselves.”
In an early pilot program for the software, a judge ordered 40 families to communicate only through Our Family Wizard. For two years, none of the families were back in court.
Testimonials
The Our Family Wizard website includes testimonials from parents. “Manuel S” wrote:
I am thankful to this avenue of communication. It has controlled the nasty phone calls from my ex-wife to me and my wife, and has put an end to her foul language since she is aware the content of messages is monitored. I have documentation to avoid he said she said situations and her violations of my rights to see my kids!”
Penny says the website works. “Please mention to readers that they can request that Our Family Wizard be ordered by the judge hearing their case,” she wrote. “The judge can order the Our Family Wizard email as the sole means of communication between couples litigating a child custody/visitation dispute.”
For more information, visit the website below. If you decide to subscribe to OurFamilyWizard, Lovefraud will earn a commission from your purchase.
Dear Chinagirl,
This man is TOXIC, I am not sure if he is a psychopath or not, but the “sex” pushyness is definitely how a psychopath works, but TELL HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE.” He is showing you he DIS-respects your boundaries.
“So when someone SHOWS you what they are, BELIEVE THEM.”
We must listen to the ACTIONS of people, not their words! You can do it Chinagirl, you MUST DO IT! You can’t let this toxic jerk wad “pastor” divert you from your PRIMARY MISSION—healing yourself! HE IS TOXIC. HE IS POISON. HE IS A “BAD DUDE” FOR YOU! He is a FALSE PROPHET perverting the Bible.
((((Hugs))))) and my prayers for your strength and healing!
chinagirl – anyone who keeps telling you how ‘horny he is’ should be out the door, fast. this is SO inappropriate. period. done. i hold people in power positions to a higher standard than others – because they ARE in positions where they can abuse power.
get rid of the uncharitable christian.
re friends: i have lost a couple of people since the spath. it has been hard, but the longer i sit with it the better i am with it. i just don’t have the energy to ‘deal’ with anyone who is no longer happy to be at my side. i wish them well and goodbye. this started out feeling like such an enormous loss – but then i looked at how they had been backing away for months, and i realized it doesn’t matter how long we have been friends or how good those relationships have been, they were no longer really in my life. they didn’t have the skills to approach me about how nuts i had become or the ability to be aorund someone so hurt, so angry, so ill. Now, I am starting to realize, I don’t want them in my life. I don’t want to struggle to be who i used to be. I want to take this one step, the new one, out into the world, and i don’t yet have the energy to be my new self and deal with how weird that is to them. they didn’t like messed up one step, and new one step just needs some space to ‘be’ and find out who she is…and get comfortable in her skin. and as much as i formerly would have wanted that to happen with them at my side, creating an anchor to the past – i no longer want that.
One step, OxDrover, bluejay,
Thanks….gosh, it is so obvious that this pastor is toxic yet i still allow people the benefit of the doubt…but the growth is that I no longer feel badly about setting boundaries and I can see the manipulation easily. for instance he said “So, are you going to always analyze everything I say?” and I said I am not going to allow you to manipulate me by trying to get me to change my boundaries out of some misplaced guilt….I don’t analyze everything, I analyze your challenging my boundaries. Its a defense for you. it doesn’t work on me. I am trusting more and more my own personal judgment for myself (easy to see for others) and I started to realize when he and I were having lunch he threw down the chopsticks when i confronted him on bibilcal teachings and pouted. It is so amazing to have you all say to me HE IS TOXIC, BAD DUDE, FALSE PROPHET…I have not had anyone in my life say to me these truths…everyone is such an enabler. My mom was the best…she always enableld my brothers bad behavior and she put me in such a bad position before she died to then “kick him out” and I did that with a father who has alzheimer’s so that court didn’t believe me either. For fucks sake! it is all too much!
I have no friends! literally. I have gotten rid of everyone….wow…I don’t like this isolation. And my friend who has her lover in europe hasn’t called me since her return and it is a relationship that I tried to end when I first got sober…and I am being shown over and over that she is not right for me despite 25 years of friendship, or whatever it is called. I am afraid I will over react to everyone…but maybe that is good. Maybe I need to since my old ways have been unhealthy. And btw before I read these emails…I did email pastor and told him no more. No more telling me he is horny, no more emails, no more anything. I need energey for me. Thank you so much for loving me on this site when I can’t do it for myself. yet. really.
one more thing…having you all tell me these things, these truths that I don’t always see is like having the emotionally healthy mom I wanted, but didn’t have. She would never say that…she’d find out he was a pastor or in my other case a doctor and think “Oh, good, you’ve Made it in life now you have married a doctor” instead of what a jack ass, leave him now honey!
Dear Chinagirl,
I’m glad you kicked this TOXIC person to the curb, but ultimately you must learn to validate your own gut feelings.
YOU are the one who had a “doubt” about him, we only VALIDATED that feeling, but YOU acted once you had our validation. I too was raised by an enabling maternal DNA donor and so I sought OUTSIDE VALIDATION when I felt something wasn’t right, and I took that outside validation rather than listen to my own Gut feeling. BAM!!!!! I got hit between the teeth when my gut feeling turned out to be right, but I had listened to someone else GASLIGHT me about it. “Gaslighting” is when someone else tells you “black is white” and you listen to them instead of your own eyes. The term comes from an old movie where a man tried to convince his wife she was crazy.
We are gaslighted instead of listening to our own gut feelings that “sump-ten ain’t rite here.” If you get a feeling that you are uncomfortable don’t let someone else’s judgment gaslight you that “everything is hunky dorey” when it isn’t.
It took me a LONG time to learn to set boundaries that I felt were reasonable without some external validation. Sometimes like you said, people who are first learning to set boundaries set unreasonable ones. I used my son D as a sounding board for my boundaries. I would literally CRY at the thought of setting a boundary.
I actually CAUGHT IN THE ACT a “friend” of mine stealing from me and the thought of setting a boundary that might “upset” her made me so anxious that I cried and cried. I spoke to son D about the boundary with this woman. He said my boundary was reasonable, so I set it. Of course she tried to violate the boundary and I caught her in the act of that, and set a more strict boundary….but by that time the training wheels were off and I was ABLE TO set the boundary without asking my son if it was “Okay.” I had LEARNED TO TRUST MYSELF and my gut feelings and my RIGHT to set boundaries for what behavior I will tolerate from others. Believe me, stealing my stuff is NOT OKAY. No matter who you are.
Even BORROWING it, ASK FIRST. Return it when you say you will, or replace it if you lose or break it or no more borrowing.
Now I can LOOK BACK and see how toxic these people were and it is difficult for me to see why I didn’t do something ten years previously and cut them out of my life then. WHY on earth did I tolerate that carp from ANYONE? And give them a chance to repeat it and repeat it and repeat it? (head shaking here) Why? Because I thought I could not “upset” anyone without it being my fault. I thought I was responsible for everyone else’s happiness. NOPE! Not gonna play that game any more, so I have very few “Friends” and those friends are wonderful and I cherish them the more because they are so RARE and VALUABLE.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I still am slower than i want when i feel something isn’t quite right…still a bit of the people pleaser thing rearing its ugly head….but usually I am trusting more now. I did send him to the curb prior but it did still feel good to hear ok you are right. I still need to trust myself fully and it is a work in progress. So funny how I can tell others to do it and I am adamant…but myself? need to make sure….blah blah.
I really love the wisdom and care you offer OxDrover…there is a feeling of comfort around you…something I aspire to. I have been so undermined for so long by my mother and spath and now feel quite off balance….but that will change.
Gaslighting. Yes! I would say that all the time about spath….people thought I made it up. But that is what crazy making is all about. Then when spath learned about it from me because of him and when he went to therapy with me and learned some psych terminology…he’d then throw it back on me and tell me I was the crazy making one. of course back then I believed him….and tried to fix him and myself and us and everyone. Oh my gawd….and by the time I left, after 7 long years of tihs…I knew it was the right thing. Now, I am finding out who people are in about a month…hopefully we can trim that time frame down to immediate! LOL but it comes down to really trusting my judgements. I know I can but it is good to get feedback right now because everything I have done and known is changing….you know?
Sick attracks sick….that is all I have to say about my experience with spath. Had I had the needed therapy then and not gone through this undermining hell I wouldn’t have choosen him…but it’s all a part of my journey. I feel there must be a reason I am going through all of this and I need to be healthy enough to be able to use it for some good.
So today is a new day. this week is the start of eating better and exercising, getting my meds if I need them. I think just doing that much will change my life. I have been isolating for several months and not taking care of me. Focusing on surviving….I do not want to act out of fear any more. And part of my wanting to date i think is about fear and I have to check that. I can do this. by myself.
chinagirl,
Way to go. What I was thinking is that you don’t even have to give the pastor an explanation about why you don’t want to associate with him anymore. He’s a grown man, maybe, he can figure it out on his own. I feel for you because you are wounded (like the rest of us). I remember one time one_step_at_a_time told another poster something like, “you don’t have to talk to any damn person you don’t want to,” a light bulb going off in my own head, giving me the right to not always be so polite (aware of everyone and anyone else in a social setting), staying quiet when I preferred to be quiet, unsociable. We learn lessons throughout our life times.
Dear Chinagirl,
Yes, yes, YES!!!!! I know about needing the validation from someone you trust—gosh did I EVER need it. Talk about “needy” believe me I didn’t trust myself at all. Now I do trust myself. Validation is good of course, but I don’t depend on it now in making decisions. I can make independent decisions based on MY own validation. I’m not an”id-jut”–in fact I am a strong, well educated sensible person! So now I am applying those things, strength, education and good sense to MY decisions. I think you are making some big leaps in that direction too.
I know I still make mistakes, we all do, but I try to do what is right and knowing that, I can forgive myself for those things. I know I still have sad days but that’s okay. Sad days does not mean I am generally UN-happy, it just means that I feel sad. Not that I AM sad. I lost a beloved dog a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve had some sad sad SAD days over that, but I’m still HAPPY if that makes any sense. I FEEL sad over the loss but I AM still happy.
My happiness, my security, my worth are inside of me, not my dog, my son, or anyone else, inside of ME!
I agree that there are lessons to be learned from what we are going through, and I think until we learn those lessons we are doomed to repeating the classes! OKAY, OKAY, I WILL STUDY HARDER THIS TIME! I will learn the lesson so I don’t have to repeat this again. I’ve been to “remedial psychopathic classes” way too many times so far, I don’t want to do it again! I’ve got to get it THIS TIME for sure! LOL
I am very proud of you China girl and proud FOR you as well. You are a bright woman, have a good education, and now it is time for you to apply those good things to taking care of yourself and I think you will take them and run with them. Sure, some difficult days, but more productive than difficult I think.
If I have helped you or comforted you, I am glad for that, because it always makes me feel good to have “paid back” the debt, the huge debt, to Love Fraud bloggers (most of whom are not still here) who were there for me when I needed the comfort.
‘
Also, by “preaching the gospel of self healing” to others, I reaffirm it in myself with each post. So I am not just preaching to you, but to myself as well. It helps to reinforce that thought in my own head. Makes me want to do the things I tell others I think are wise.
“Physician heal they self”—
I am so sorry about the loss of your dog..just a few weeks ago. I also lost my cat, D’s cat…I had to tel her today he died. But my daugher is very strong and smart and said Well, he was sick and next time we will get a kitty from a breeder”. Geez, wish I was so….calm and smart! I know the first four years I had with her daily molded a lot of who she is…and I’ll be back with her soon.
I think what you said about happiness, securiy worth being inside you, not your dog, son. etc…I am not there yet. I want to be but I am not. I grew up with all the external validating needs…like getting my parking card stamped….from everyone around me. It’s exhausting and just ridiculous. I tell my clients, when we talk about boundaries and how to set them, how to recgonize healthy relationships…that when they set a boundary, just like you and bluejay said, that they don’t have to give a reason. Why we think, when we say No to someone, that we have to explain it. I always tell them that even though it feels awkward we don’t have to give a reason for our No. Our No is good enough just as it is. But as I tell my clients this I am thinking ‘you hypocrite…you don’t do this still….’ and I kind of laugh at myself but realize I need to do what I tell others to do! We don’t grow up many of us knowing how to set boundaries or say no. And I have always been like you said Bluejay….worried about hurting someone’s feelings. Why is that my job? I tried to explain this to my mom when she was enabling my brothers really bad and sick behavior. She would think she was mean…so whenever I’d set boundaries that is the message I’d get back from her. I am mean…so that cycle continued….my daughter and son have learned something different from me….I have just fallen into a really dark hole with spath and need to get these tools back out and use them. I have been brainwashed being with spath. When I left him I remember the fog clearing…I felt beautiful, smart, on top of the world….I attracted people to me…I was myself again….and then the shit hit the fan with spath and I fell. So I have some work to do but thankfully I have you all here to remind me what I need.
is it appropriate to ask if a poster is an attorney?