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The most heartbreaking dramas that sociopaths create are those that involve children. Many sociopathic parents stand up in court proclaiming that they “only want what is best for the children.” They’re lying. What they really want is to use the children as clubs to beat their ex-partners into submission.
There is no such thing as a simple phone call to find out what little Johnny needs to bring to soccer practice. Every phone call or e-mail is an opportunity for the sociopath to manipulate, denigrate and infuriate the ex, through lies, innuendo and misinformation. For the parent trying to protect the children, it’s exhausting.
A few months ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Penny,” who is in this situation. She wrote her Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath. One of Penny’s recommendations was that parents request that all communications with their former partners go through Our Family Wizard.
Our Family Wizard
Our Family Wizard is a website designed to facilitate communications between separated or divorced parents in relation to their children. It promotes “cooperative parenting:”
Parents can coordinate shared custody and joint custody parenting time schedules, health records, immunization histories, expense sharing, school information, virtual document storage and much more on a website specifically designed to deal with the issues that arise in co-parenting situation.
Our website is committed to removing conflict and improving the lives of children. In fact, judges in all 50 states order families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce conflict.
The Our Family Wizard website is a great tool for managing difficult parenting relationships. The website provides excellent documentation to help reduce conflict that may arise from ineffective communication. Should you need to return to court, all pages are printable and most come with a preformatted print option with all the necessary data you will need to show that you have met your parenting obligations.
The service costs $99 per year per parent. “This fee is worth it,” Penny wrote. “I know this because the judge hearing my case ordered that communication between my ex and I take place solely on the Our Family Wizard website. The judge also ordered that no verbal communication is to take place between the parties facilitating the exchange of my child.”
No creative language
Thousands of families use Our Family Wizard, according to Jainarain Kissoon, CEO. One reason why it helps in high-conflict situations, Kissoon says, is because the website’s structured format allows no room for “creative language.”
“Phone conversations used to turn into heated battles, then the battles moved to e-mail,” Kissoon says. “The site helps compartmentalize what everyone is doing. In co-parenting classes, they emphasize businesslike communication. The site provides organization—there are no long e-mails back and forth.”
With Our Family Wizard, parents can limit communication to filling in the blanks—soccer game, what day, what time, what the child needs to bring.
Features
Our Family Wizard includes the following features:
- Calendar—each calendar event, such as soccer practice, includes which children participate, the location, the drop off parent and the pick up parent.
- Journal—entries can be shared or private. It’s a place to document any incidents, and all notes are time and date stamped.
- Message board—With no outside e-mail servers, there are no lost messages and always a way to verify a message has been received.
- Info bank—A place to manage all family information, such as schools, childcare providers, immunization history, emergency contacts, insurance and more.
- Expense log—tracks shared expenses, automatically calculating each parent’s contribution.
Documentation
An important benefit of Our Family Wizard is its level of documentation:
- Each entry is time and date stamped—who created it and when
- Every page is stamped with the last time both parents viewed it
- Messages cannot be altered or unsent
- Dates on journal entries cannot be altered.
- One parent cannot change the other parent’s information
- Nearly everything can be tracked back to an IP address
- An accurate chronology of events can be produced
- All pages are printable
The software includes the option of third-party accounts, so, if necessary, therapists or guardians ad litem can monitor communications. If a parent engages in abusive behavior, it is readily discovered and difficult to deny.
With Our Family Wizard, it becomes easy to tell who is complying with court orders, and who is not. Kissoon relates why one judge said he liked the software: “It gives people enough rope to hang themselves.”
In an early pilot program for the software, a judge ordered 40 families to communicate only through Our Family Wizard. For two years, none of the families were back in court.
Testimonials
The Our Family Wizard website includes testimonials from parents. “Manuel S” wrote:
I am thankful to this avenue of communication. It has controlled the nasty phone calls from my ex-wife to me and my wife, and has put an end to her foul language since she is aware the content of messages is monitored. I have documentation to avoid he said she said situations and her violations of my rights to see my kids!”
Penny says the website works. “Please mention to readers that they can request that Our Family Wizard be ordered by the judge hearing their case,” she wrote. “The judge can order the Our Family Wizard email as the sole means of communication between couples litigating a child custody/visitation dispute.”
For more information, visit the website below. If you decide to subscribe to OurFamilyWizard, Lovefraud will earn a commission from your purchase.
Hi OxDrover,
Thanks again! I am so sorry for your losses and struggles. You appear to definitely have gone from mush to steel. Thank you, too, for helping me figure out what to do next. Sometimes we just need someone to hold our hand and say do this…and then do that…i am at that point and will do what you have suggested. It reminds me of when we went to china to adopt our daughter….our agency was great and i felt like a kindergarten class on a rope….letting them lead the way. It was actually a relief to not have to be in charge…just wanted my daughter! Didn’t want to have to make sure things went smoothly in a country I didn’t speak the language at all. (Although I made a valiant effort! I still can basically only say Shae Shae and NiHao!)
I look forward to an lifting journey from here on out. I think I have exhausted my catecholamines and am just blank. My brother is colluding with my ex and he is messed up mentally. I am not sure he is a sociopath because I think he used to have empathy but something has happened to him as well….he rages after my father who has alzheimer’s and with my ex calling and them working together I have been dealing with family fights since my mom’s death and custody of my father…my father begged me to get a restraining order on my brother and I tried and since I am from out of their state the entire thing backfired on me and I was swirling around in that mess as well. it is unbelievable and I’d begin to think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t have a couple of friends I have known for 25 years that know I am the sane one in that group of “relatives”. I just want both my father and my daughter back. As I said earlier, i think it can’t get worse but yet it does. Now, however, I want to stop the madness and take action…or maybe not take action but work smarter. I have been working with my emotions which has caused me more problems. I wish i could do a lot of this over but I am here now and will be reading and learning and listening. Thank goodness for you all. Thanks again for the advice and insight.
Chinagirl,
So sorry to hear about your circumstances. I want to offer you my sympathy about your mom passing. You have had way too much adversity in such a little amount of time. There are some wonderful people on LF who have alot of knowledge about sociopaths and narcissists. Erin Brock has great legal advice and Oxdrover is warm and sensitive and will offer a practical point of view. Many people here will support you and listen with an open heart and mind.
What you have gone through is like believing the impossible, but we believe you. The spath/narc just wants to win and your ex is doing all he can so you don’t win, even if it is at the expense of your daughter. Just keep letting her know how much you love her and don’t give up the fight. Even if your ex has won this battle it doesn’t mean that all is lost. His current wife will eventually figure him out as well.
Take care and stay strong!
Hope4joy
Dear Chinagirl,
Sounds like you have had a PLATE FULL AS WELL!!! That family game of “ring around the rosey” is awful too. I came up in a family of origin that was dysfunctional to the max, so a lot of the enabling etc seemed “normal” to me—all the drama and so on. I finally figured out it wasn’t and so in the end, I lost both my biological sons, one a psychopath and the other not a psychopath but dysfunctional none the less, I do have a wonderful adopted son, however, and he is my rock.
I can bet your daughter is going to be a very smart young lady if you got her from China, so don’t give up on her seeing the light before this is all said and done.
Lowering the stress level in your own life will help you, and it takes TIME for our bodies to overcome that long term stress over load. I’ve had a pretty good spell of peace for most of the last ocuple of years and can tell that the PEACE is actually starting to feel “normal now” though the only way I can tell that I am not really stressed now is that if I AM stressed I melt down and can feel literally getting physically ILL from the stress. It does go away sooner now. I don’t STAY super saturated with the stress hormones any more.
I sort of “had it out” with my oldest bio son in The New Year of Dec Jan when I caught him lying to me—about something insignificant, but none-the-less, I do NOT tolerate ANY LIES from anyone, he knew that, he chose to lie to me, and I enforced the boundary. He is not welcome at my house any more. I communicate with him by short, business like e mails on things we must communicate about, and that is all I will communicate with him. His life is his own.
You might say that’s pretty “tough consequence” for one small “white lie.” Nah, it isn’t about THAT one small white lie it is the 1,000 before that PLUS the “one small white lie.” He knew that in advance, and chose to lie, so now he can have the consequence. It hurts me as well, because I would choose for him NOT to disrespect me by lying to me, but it wasn’t MY choice. It was HIS choice.
They have choices and we have choices. I am glad though that your daughter is NOT his biological child. At least you are better off genetically since she doesn’t have his genes! I think the “success rate” of the girls adopted from China is very good as far as them being bright, and genetically healthy. It isn’t like the kids coming out of Romania and Russia that are physically starved, emotionally detached, fetal alcohol, etc. I know there are people who can handle some of those kids, but God bless those that can. One of my cousins adopted a child with fetal alcohol, and she knew in advance and has had the strength and resources to make him into a productive and happy young man in spite of his problems from the fetal alcohol.
You’re in a great profession to find help and support for yourself appropriately and when the time comes you can set off on your mission to help others, you will be well on your way to being an expert in that field. I am so glad for you, you DO HAVE MANY BLESSINGS besides enough fresh clean water every day!
And Hopeforjoy is right, there is a wealth of support here. (((Hugs)))
Hi Hope for Joy and Oxdrover!
Thanks again for the support. What a relief to just be here among people who understand and believe. I have felt almost crazy lately. I realize how naive I have been….but not any more.
As far as family of origin: yes, lots of dysfunction there…grew up with it, sought counseling for it for many years, worked out a lot of the issues and am blessed to have the insight to change the things that needed changing about me. Work in progress….
As far as consequences (Oxdrover)No! I do not think it is harsh….Since having to deal with my s ex I firmly push for accountability not only in myself but in everyone around me. No liars, no theives, not bs! Can’t do it. I believe in natural consequences and I raised my now 26 year old son that way. He is a great guy and is supportive-kind of. I think he doesn’t quite get this and thinks I have done something..you know? I have tried to tell him the whole story but I struggle with burdening him with stuff…this man, the s, isn’t his father.Thank god. Sadly my x ex and his new wife have just bred 3 more children. Like you all said, I hope that his new wife will soon figure things out. From some of the things she has had to witness its possible, but I don’t know her at all and she ahs pretty much believed his lies.
That’s the hard part…being slandered and lied about constantly. Because of his “credentials” he has managed to get me kicked out of a house I rented recently (I do have a lawsuit pending that my attorney said I should win because they had no reason to kick me out..they said “we recently heard some very concerning things about you”….and also got fired and I am suing them for wrongful termination. On top of the stress I have already endured I have to deal with moving twice (after being fired I had to leave my condo…then got kicked out of the house). If I just heard these stories I would think I was a loser….and yet I KNOW I have done nothing to deserve this except to have married this creep. People around me keep saying “just live your life”, or “Just pretend he doesn’t exist” and first: that is naive….I have been doing that but with my ex he will do whatever he can to undermine or hurt me and as he told me “I will destroy you”. and second: I feel that I am almost setting myself up..do you know what I mean? That he has been doing this crazy thing to me and I have been dealing with it so long that I over react in every situation assuming it is him doing things when maybe it isn’t. But, maybe that is the crazy making of this? See how much help i obviously need! LOL!
I have my sense of humor and I still have my practice which is slow but I am grateful for what I have. I have been able to work and do a very good job of keeping my personal life out of my practice…I have one client who after knowing him for a couple of years and then discharging him say he would never have guessed I had any huge stressors in my life based on how I presented myself at my work…so that is a blessing. I just feel like I am at the edge right now and again, thanks for support and being here. I have been reading article after article..wow…do I belong here!
I relate to you on the people around you who do not get it and come up with cringeworthy statements like forget about him, and pretend he does not exist…so harmful to try and block the impact, the damage and the pain…so stay here and keep putting the words out so you can see the feelings emerge, here with people who can hear you and have infinite patience with you!
the edge is a scary place to be…but a dear departed friend of mine always said “if you are not on the edge..you are taking up too much room” she welcomed my edginess and saw it as the “growth edge” the “cutting edge” the “leading edge” and whether you balance, fall or jump you are gonna learn something fantastic….
yeah? sure does not feel like that at the time..I really thought I would die with the paradox, the complex hideous trick he played out on me…no one knows the damage only him…and me….. forging us to bond in a particularly twisted way, it makes me want to vomit (projectile, luminous green, exorcist style) keep talking through it…and we will get to other side somehow
One step- what about a vomit theme some week? we need a detox!!
Bulletproof,
I find your “edge” analagy to be very interesting and helpful, too….in that I so feel on the edge and because of feeling that way have thought I might not make it back. But I can look at being on the edge as the way you described it….and that this entire path I have been on is a way to some incredible growth and understanding. I have been through so much….family of origin dysfunction, therapy, miscarriages, recovery from vicodin (10 years), more therapy, horrible marriage, sick parents, death of my son’s fiance (auto accident) five years ago, mom’s death, brother who is after me now along with ex, etc etc etc….and I am strong. We all have courage here or we wouldn’t be here. I could have thrown in the towel but I REFUSE to allow him to take me down. I never thought my life would be like this at my age but I am still vibrant and have a lot to give back and I want to raise my beautiful daughter. I waited seven years for her! he didn’t even want to adopt because he needed his genetics littering the earth. Ok, not going there…..LOL….I promised myself I wouldn’t be a drain here….although I realize this is a place to vent the more I vent and stay negative the worse it is for me. The thing that has been helpful is to read about things I have felt or thigns that have happened that make me feel validated in my feelings, thoughts and even behaviors that have been at times psycho. psycho in that I have allowed my emotions to run me. the other part of the strength i have gained through this is that I can relate to so many more of my clients. I get it, I have been there. Especially with this particular disorder because as we all have realized no one really gets it in the mental health world. No one that I have worked with really does…even therapists who work with domestic violence batterers understand the sociopath and how insidious and scary it is.
I wonder how much my ex’s new wife knows about how he spends his time. As much time as he spends attempting to sabotage me I wonder how he can have a medical practice, raise four kids, including my incredible daughter who told me about four months ago “I don’t have any best friends now except TaiLi and Pip (her cats, one here, one with him) and I just wait until I am with you mama”. How sad is that? It breaks my freaking heart and I KNOW he tells her (she is almost 9) that I am doing something wrong by the way she talks to me….saying “I doubt I’ll be able to come up and see your new office any more”. HUH? he has also told her that she will NEVER live with me and he has also told her I am using drugs. Which is not true and I have been doing urine drug screens for four years that prove it! (Since I am in recovery it is a way for me to stay accountable to myself, to my clients, to my family….and I chose to do this and chose to do them witnessed even because he would then come back and say that I faked them) But I struggle with do I remain completely transparent and have nothing for him to work with? Or do I get any privacy what so ever? Does anyone understand that? I have nothing to hide and I hate being on the defensive. I read somebody’s post saying we need to get out of the defensive mode and get on the offense. That is so true. Ok, I ramble….and my goal here is to get out of victim mode and not feel sorry for myself, be helpful, and also heal and change my life! I feel more empowered being here…..
Dear Chinagirl,
Right now, I think you need to find some peace of mind, some quiet time within yourself. How or where you find that time, through meditation, relaxation therapy, vacation, whatever method you use. You need to get out of WORRY MODE. VICTIM MODE. and into PEACEFUL MODE. Give your adrenal glads a rest….and let your body heal. It won’t be quick and it won’t be easy.
The serenity prayer is very appropriate about now.
When you see your daughter just reassure her that you love her forever and that you think of her always. Give her a time of day that can be a special time between the two of you when you and she think about each other. I saw this on a movie promo the other day, at 9 p.m each night the man and woman would both drink a cup of water and think of the other one doing the same thing that exact same minute. That might be a comfort to your daughter and something he couldn’t take away. Tell her it is a secret between the two of you.
I know it must break your heart for a child you love to be separated from you by the freak of nature “father”—-but for right now that is the REALITY, a reality you hate, that she hates, but it is reality that for NOW can’t be changed, so it must be accepted and the best made of how it IS for your sake and for your daughter’s sake.
Maybe you can make up a little book for her of pictures of the cat at your house and his “day” and past them inside a book made of construction paper and tied with ribbons, and caption the photos of him eating, sleeping, climbing, playing, etc to give to her when you see her.
I’m sure that HE doesn’t “raise” 4 kids and have a medical practice, he probably ignores 4 kids and has a medical practice and lets his current wife raise the kids.
And actually unless the wife is a beast, that is probably better for your daughter that he is busy and not there with her that much. Keep strong, and take care of yourself. l((((Hugs))))
One question –
Is anyone afraid their s ex will “pose” on this site as a victim? I must be so paranoid I realize but after realizing he has called a man I dated, my employer, my landlord, friends, hacked into my computer (believe me when I say he has resources and tons of money). I had been on match.com thinking I might want to date (still don’t) but I am too afraid to be on that site…it feels parasitic and scary…unless that is just me and my paranoia…What does everyone think? Thanks
Dear China girl,
UNless he has a keystroke program on your computer I would doubt it.
Internet dating sites are nothing in my opinion but TROLLING sites for psychopaths and would NEVER RECOMMEND that you internet date at all.
I would be very careful of any Face Book or other social networking sites as well,. but I wouldn’t worry about LoveFraud.
We occasionally have a troll come here but they are just more “generalized” ones that are mostly kids looking to cause a stir, we spot them, refuse to interact with them, they throw a fit and Donna blocks them. End of story. ((((Hugs))))
chinagirl
In my experience here, not much gets past the bullshit scanners of the older original lovefrauders… they can usually ‘pick up’ spath energy through an e-mail…the paranoia is just fear, high pitched fear and it’s totally understandable.. there is an interesting way the lovefrauders gather around spath energy and literally cut it off so that it cannot survive
I wouldn’t put it past spaths to snoop around but this is a very tight network of dedicated ‘spathologists’ and they wouldn’t last long…a spath would get very bored after a while here because there is nothing here for them….they would not make head nor tail of this place…it’s a hostile place for them to find themselves…what would he gain from reading your pain? a pathetic sense of self importance that he can reduce a woman to this? I still think, being the site that it is.. expressing yourself here is better than sitting on it, regardless of him…we shall overcome? it’s not about THEM…it’s about US
I feel for you and your situation. It is awful there is a 9 year old in the middle of it..it’s heartbreaking. Oxy gave some lovely advice and taili and pipi are natural healers being cats!! but it is difficult for you no doubt.
I really like what you say about coming out of defensive mode and into offensive …. There is something to it! I would promote assertiveness over anger..but I have been known to rage and wild horses couldn’t stop it! I would advocate privacy over transparency….humans are just not transparent…maybe if we were ghosts it would work..or spirits…then things could just pass through but on earth things impact and burn and hurt like hell and to be over exposed to that energy is just asking for trouble.
the body is a physical thing and needs to be protected from evil whether is physical violence or malicious psychic intent
ha ha I’m laughing as I consider HOW a spath would pose as a victim here on this site!! maybe I shouldn’t be laughing and ..aaargh what if….if….they are all spaths posing as victims!!
keep reading and voicing your concerns, dip in and out as you feel..well that’s what I do and it has really helped so much..oh and read everything!!! some brilliant advise, articles..so much support and most of all UNDERSTANDING x