Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
What I need to do is forgive myself, I think that will take a long time………….
Henry,
Forgiving ourselves is much more difficult than forgiving them. They are out of our lives at least, but we have to live with the complete knowledge of what we have let ourselves in for.
I think the thread about it isn’t weakness but lack of clarity is right on. WE ARE STRONG, we just didn’t focus on the direction we wanted to go, weren’t sure which direction to go, or just forgot or never had appropriate boundaries.
It is easy for me to look and see “henry has no boundaries, he needs to set some” but it is HARD for me to see that “OXY has no boundaries she needs to set some” because I listen to my own “EXcuses” and I can “see through” YOUR excuses.
Like Jesus said, though, we need to get the LOG out of our own eye before we start trying to take the splinter out of yours! If we will stop trying to fix everyone else, we will have much more time to work on fixing ourselves. BEating yourself up though isn’t gonna help. Treat youself like you would a child that has given in to curiosity and excitement and has torn open the packages under the tree before christmas day. Give yourself a break–the same break you would give me or one of the others here. Be as good to Henry as you would be to me. Hang in there guy, you’ll get through this, I promise. You have already made a great deal of progress from when you came here.
Dear Henry, We got ‘burnt’ when we entered a relationship with these people, but the truth is we didnt know the paramaters. If I separate out all the threads, I see that I felt SHOCK at being conned, RAGE at being betrayed, ANGER at the injustice and the damage he caused me, GRIEF for the loss of what I ‘thought’ he was, HUMILIATION that I allowed myself to be drawn into the illusion, ANNOYANCE that I over rode the red flags, ENVY that he moved onto someone else, HURT for all the love I gave that was trampled.
Now that I know the whole things was an illusion, what I am trying to get to grips with, is why I feel such a sense of loss, when I now know he was nothing more than a ‘cardboard cutout’, I think when I have finally cracked that, I can move on in my mind. Henry it will get better for you, yes it may take longer than it might normally take, but there is a lot of support here for you.
In the early stages, I made him my ‘pet project’ and he kept telling me that he was ok and didnt wana be changed, then he would say ‘you lead and I will follow’. What is it in me, that wanted to do that? Was it feeling sorry for his childhood abuse – was I somehow projecting the empathy that I should feel for MY OWN childhood onto him?
I had met someone on an online dating site over a year ago. After losing my husband to a long-term illness, I was ready to find a new partner for a long term relationship. This man had contacted me first; I read thru his beautiful profile & saw we had a lot in common, so I emailed him back asking him for a picture. We hit it off well in our emails. He was always very polite, respectful, kind, charming, flirty, and he looked quite handsome in the picture he sent me.
We talked about our families, jobs, etc. It was normal conversations….we did flirt, but nothing ever got out of line. I was new to online dating then, and didn’t know much about the red flags.
He wrote in his letters about us meeting, talking on the phone & getting together, however excuses always came up. I did ask him about being married, even though his profile
stated he was divorced, & he denied being married or in a serious relationship with anyone. I wondered what was going on when he never did what he said he was going to do.
He only lived an hour away from me, but he did have family
who lived very close to me.
One day he finally did call me, and during the conversation, he said something to me that indicated I knew who his family was. To make a long story short, I found out that he is very married. I was devastated. This man who seemed so perfect for me had broken my heart & my trust, and I felt like such a fool for believing him.
We emailed on & off during the year, I told him what I knew about him and he never made a comment about it. We finally did meet, but not in a dating situation.
The fact that I know his family made it even harder to break the connection I had with him. He would contact other women on the dating site while he was communicating with me, even after telling me we were a perfect match.
I no longer do online dating; this experience has been a wake up call….knowing how to read the red flags so early on before you become too attached. Meeting early on is key.
It does take time to heal your heart from someone who you trusted.
Bev, Free, Apt/Mgr and Classy lady,
All very very good points—
Realizing that we do get our “idenity” from external sources (wife, mother etc) rather than internally is eye-opening and sort of daunting. There are so many internal and external aspects of who we are—what makes us who we are.
Beverly, I think that most people who are like your “poor puppy dog” are QUITE CONTENT to live in that state (whatever it is) or, if they wouldn’t be content, THEY make an effort to chance it. While YOU or I would lookk at that state in which they live as HELL ON EARTH, and struggle to get out of it, THEY are quite content. So we are projecting OUR desires for how THEY should live, how WE think they should live to be happy.
I PROJECTED to my P-son how I thought he should live–and it was NOT the way he wanted to life. He wanted excitement, riskk taking, adventure, narrow escapes from the law, etc. because HE GOT PLEASURE OUT OF THESE THINGS, he was BORED with “ordiinary” life, it wasn’t exciting enough for him. He is living the life HE HAS CHOSE TO LIFE, so it is arrogant of me to WANT TO CHANGE IT FOR HIM, and insist that he live a law abiding life, just because I think that is what is BEST. He doesn’t agree with me, and I can’t force him to.
There are genuine instances where someone is TRYING to help themselves out of a life situation, lack of education, poverty etc. You can give those people OPPORTUNITY TO HELP THEMSELVES and they will take advantage of it. But if you do for them what they could and should do for themselves, you deprive them of the right to be adults and tkae responsibility for themselves.
Sometimes, too, you start out “helping” and it turns into ENABLING because whe you start doing things for them to help, they turn it ALL over to you to do.
I sold off my cow herd except for a few pet cows, and I had way too much land. Land needs to be CARED for. Fences kept up, weeds mowed, etc. and I had a neighbor who had more cows than he had land enough, so I sat down with him and told him that we had a situation that would benefit BOTH of us. I gave him an OPPORTUNITY to help himself.
I told him I didn’t want any CASH rent–but that I wanted the fences kept up, the weeds mowed, etc. I had worked VERY hard and spent a great deal of money clearning the pastures of weeds, building fences etc. I outlined specifically what I expected.
Well, he moved his cattle here—and that was IT, the weeds grew up, the fences got knocked down and he did NOTHING.
So after six months I confronted him about it. I explained that we had an agreement and that he had not fulfilled his part of it.
He started to explain tome how BUSY he was, and that he just didn’t ave time to “keep it up like you want it” and that I would “never find anyone to keep it up like you want it.” (it was my unreasonable expectations that were the trouble as far as he was concerned).
So I said to him, “well, if you aren’t going to keep it up, and I must mow the weeds, fix the fences and you graze your cattle here—WHAT DO I NEED YOU FOR?”
So I told him he had to move his cattle. Immediately I had many applications for the place. The couple I chose have kept the place looking like a park, they have mowed and baled the hay, and fed it to MY cattle as well as their horses, so I now have NO expense for my few head of pet cows and my donkeys. They are continually offering to do things for me, they tell me at least once a week how grateful they are to have the place (it is only a mile from their home and farm) and they just spent about $1000 to fertilize the entire place. I couldn’t ask for better renters. Instead of just doing the minimum of upkeep, they do MORE THAN I EXPECTED.
So, two farmers, the same opportunity–and one feels that he is being abused by being expected to keep his word, he wants the use of the land without any effort on his part to take care of it. The other couple feels that they have been given a wonderful opportunity and make every effort to TAKE MAXIMUM ADVANTAGE OF AN OPPORTUNITY.
All I was doing was “enabling” the first guy to not be responsible, if I had let him stay. I wasn’t able to help him because HE DIDN’T WANT TO HELP HIMSELF. He was satisfied with not working hard, and blaming “circumstances” for his financial failure. He couldn’t be helped. He didn’t want to make any effort to help himself.
The younger couple are taking advantage of every OPPORTUNITY TO HELP THEMSELVES. I’m happy with the arrangement and so are they. My land is taken care of. I don’t have to do it myself. I’m happy. They can’t afford to buy this land (even if it was for sale) and they have the use of it just for the upkeep labor and cost, which even if they owned it they would have to do.
More times than not, though, when I have tried to give an “opportunity” to someone, they have ended up TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY to wiggle me into enabling them. (too many times it worked too and I ended up enabling them!)
Then, when you draw the line and quit enabling them, they have started to feel ENTITLED to your enabling and see you stopping it as a BETRAYAL. The first farmer is very angry at me for my “unreasonable expectations”—-but I no longer care what he thinks of me. I was HONEST and open with him, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, not me.
I think I will always give people “opportunities” when I can do so, but I will no longer allow them to twist that into my enabling them. But I am not going to even try to force someone into living the life style or behaviors that I THINK are better than what they are doing. If they really don’t like it, THEY will make the effort to change it themselves….just like WE are doing. We have become unhappy with our own lives and are CHANGING THEM OURSELVES–we are making our own opportunities and taking ACTION.
We help each other, but we don’t enable each other. We feel close to each other and “help”–but we don’t mince words when it comes down to it. That’s FRIENDSHIP–even if we have never seen each other’s faces, or know each other’s real names. We are GOOD friends. Friends are good to each other, respectful and caring. AND HONEST. Friends set good boundaries.
I’m learning, and each time I succeed, my confidence and trust in myself rises…
Oxdrover, the situation you describe is the same as someone who has a financial hiatus and asks you to lend them some money with the promise of paying it back. Deal done. Then, as time goes by, their side of the agreement seems to fade, and you find yourself chasing them for the money – annoyingly. It is though, when they made the agreement, in their mind they placed more emphasis ON GETTING the money then paying it back and thus the interior motive becomes more predominant, that they placed less emphasis on their side of the Agreement, even though at the beginning IT APPEARED an equal deal. People have different interior values in honouring Agreements. Relationships are somewhat different though, because we dont give to receive, we are pleased to give but when the other person perpetually takes, or gives very little back at all, or does not value your giving, then the relationship is in deficit. It is like a bank account there have to be credits (nourishment).
I would like each and every one of you as my neighbor! I’m so weary of defending myself as to why I’m where I’m at, but you all know. The only thing people saw was what they wanted to. I know the reason my life fell apart is because I wanted truth in my life and no longer wanted to live a duplicitous life and I prayed for that truth. How do you explain to one whose life is “perfect” that you have been devalued and discarded?
It took me going through so many life processes to bring me to this point. The constant hurts, mind twisting, push/pull, etc., have made me extremely cautious. I think if another man wants to hug me, I will tell him to “hug this”! It took me listening to others to find out that it’s all about choices and wonder of wonders, I too, have choices, but some in my life think I’m not deserving of it. I’m not even entitled to owning my own despair at the hands of another. But I will not allow another person to take anything from me, unless I give that permission.
I’ve tried to determine what part of me allowed the ones in my life to keep doing what they did. I know it had something to do with the woman part. I think too, it had something to do with my responsibility to my obligation in obeying God. What was He requiring of me with these ones who didn’t want me, but yet they thought they did? Was I obliged to present Him to them, or was I wanting the woman part of me to be fulfilled? I still really don’t know. I know being a mother was easy for me. Being a wife and friend was different, because I was thwarted at every turn. Nothing I did mattered. And that’s why I still think there is something messed up sexually and emotionally, with the ones who crossed my paths. I responded to their moves,(in different settings and time frames) but all it got me was exploited and manipulated.
I thought a relationship was about mutuality and equality. Nothing prepared me for such selfish behavior and manipulation. And it was in my neediness they found satisfaction, but I paid the price. I have to learn to forgive myself for allowing it to happen. I have to take part of the responsibility, but I beg for mercy, because I really had no idea that a man would do what he did.
I know for me, a lot of what happened was a form of mind control. And now that I’m back, if it happens again, I will be a willing participant. I know the signs and will put a stop to it immediately. If those in question fail to do what they promised, I’m done. I have found the strength I need to survive and won’t be at the mercy of a man to determine my boundaries.
The no contact is getting easier each day, too. I have made a vow to myself that his phone will lay as silent as his tomb. He will no longer be able to use another caustic word on me. That really is empowering. Gotta love it.
Beverly,
Yea, paying back or paying what you owe to me is a SACRED honor. I expect others to honor that as well.
The man (student pilot) who was responsible for my husband’s death owed me $4500 at the time my husband died for mechanical work on his plane, fuel and flying lessons. He was severely burned and I dressed his burns daily until they healed.
As I was getting my husband’s affairs in order, and sending out statements to those customers who owed us money, I asked this man to pay me the money he owed me, and gave him an itemized bill. He looked at me oddly and said “WHY do you need it?” I was dumbfounded at the question.
I replied, “Because I need to pay MY bills”
Two weeks later, he brought me HALF OF IT.
The man is actually QUITE WEALTHY, and though he was the cause of the accident, he received later $100,000 for his injuries from the crash, my husband, because he was “pilot in command” only received $3000 for his medical “injuries.” Because of the EXCELLENT job I did on his dressings he had NO scarring or lasting physical disability from the burns.
Eventually, after asking 4 or 5 times more, I got the rest of my money from the man only because I refuesd to let the man he had sold the plane to take the plane away until I had my money (that is called a mechanic’s lien and if you let them take the vehicle you lose your right for the lien).
I don’t understand why this “close friend” who didn’t need the money himself would begrudge paying the widow of the man he had accidently killed money he OWED her. If it had been me that got the $100 K, and him nothing, I would have voluntarily split it with him—not that I expected him to do that with me, though it would have been nice, but I DID EXPECT HIM TO PAY ME THE BILL HE OWED FOR SERVICES RENDERED. Needless to say, I am no longer close to this man.
We’ve had other “friends” beat us out of money they owed us for my husband working on their planes. I guess there are plenty of dead beats in the world. I just don’t happen to be one of them. If I get too much change from the cashier, I always give it back. My conscience would NOT let me walk off with even a dollar extra.
My husbnd used to get irate at the dead beats who would hover around a newspaper vending machine and when someone put in a coin to get a paper would grab the door and take the rest out. These were NOT homeless people, but well-to-do retired People. He used to guard the door so they couldn’t use HIS COIN to do it, in fact, one time he actually slammed the door on a guy’s hand (didn’t mean mash the guy’s hand but that was how it happened! LOL) My husband was so angry because these people were stealling from the “little guy”–the person who was buying those papers and vending them. They make very little money, and each paper taken is out of THEIR pocket. I’m sure the thieves thought they wer stealing from the “big paper” which wouldn’t miss it, but it was THEFT–no matter from whom.
I’m working on not being a willing participant in my own abuse, but trying at the same time, not to become uncaring, overly suspicious or cranky, but at the same time, being AWARE when someone is attempting to USE me or my good nature and friendship.
I recently loaned a friend $4000 and HE INSISTED that I take collateral and hold it, which I did, though I trusted him to repay the loan with interest, which he insisted on paying. I would loan him money again, because I know he is trustworthy. If something had happened that had rendered him unable to pay the loan, he would have told me and said “sell the collateral” (which by the way was worth more than the $4000).
GOOD friends, honest friends, are hard to come by and I value each and every one I have more than GOLD.
apt/mgr,
I just read your last post but am not caught up on the rest here. I think the God thing can be a trap for some people. I don’t think God expects people tp stick around and be abused by a partner… definately not in God’s name. But, it does take time sometimes to realize that what is happening to you has nothing to do with biblical principles and that you aren’t being tested to see if you can be a woman of God by helping, being patient, standing by your partner.. blah blah.
I think to be a woman of God, you must love YOURSELF as God loves you.. or at least try. Because he wants us to respect ourselves, not be abused in his name. You know what I mean? Respecting ourselves and demanding the same respect from others… not that they bow down and worship us… but be around people who do not violate us, our being our character or hearts..
I think God would want this. This to me is being a woman of God.
That is my take anyway.
I am learning to have boundaries in so many ways and one is with helping people. People do have to help themselves at some point. I will not be pulled down an emotional black hole again.
BTW, don’t change your screen name Apt.mgr. It would be too hard to keep track if we all switched our names… don’t ya think?
Good to see you back.
Aloha