Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Now I have to go back and read this whole thread… I can’t keep up!
Apt/Mgr,
Hello…:) AlohaTraveler is right on concerning your confusion on what The Creator asks for each of his children.
You really should (if you haven’t already) take a look at Anna’s “Narcissists Suck” blog. She frequently quotes Scripture to prove her own behavior/actions regarding the MNs in her life. The Bible is explicit when referring to who we should care and be concerned for. And, also, that when we are confronted with a “wicked” person, a person who is solely interested in their own selfish, self-serving needs, who is not righteous in the eyes of the Lord, who does NOT heed our pleas and/or advice to desist in harming others with wicked words and deeds,….then we should remove ourselves from such a person and let the Lord deal with him.
I thought as you did for a long time also. Alls I had to do was read the Good Book and strive to follow as He commands me. It is clearly stated, clearly defined in Scripture exactly how He wishes us to live our lives. I’m no longer confused regarding my own ability to “divorce” people from my own life who obviously could care a less about me and my wellbeing. And it was a tremendous struggle for me to walk away from friends and a few family members that I deeply loved and cared for. But I can’t save anyone and I just became so very weary, and DRAINED by trying to be loving and supportive to people who basically used & abused me.
You know what keeps me sane, strong, focused, and able to not wallow in my own pity party? I constantly remind myself how very blessed I am in so many ways. That there are MILLIONS of people on this planet who would fall down on their knees in total gratitude to have what I have. I don’t have much but what I DO have is substantial: freedom to choose, freedom of mobility, freedom of thought and expression, freedom from tyranny, freedom to be precisely who I want to be, regardless how other’s work to bend me to their wants and wills.
You have those freedoms also. Never forget it. **HUG** 🙂
Hello Aloha and JaneSmith,
Thank you for your comments. I,too, have found in my own soul searching that just because I choose to love God, doesn’t mean that I have to be a doormat for anyone. As I had said before, I grew up in a church that was very legalistic. Just like the Scribes and Pharisees. Lots of guilt was always being laid on the backs. That to me distorts the view of a loving God who has the power to do what He will, but also loves me when I please Him and even when I don’t He just keeps taking me back. And I was led to believe that in order to please Him I had to please people.
Then you throw a sexual relationship in that mixture and my duties as a wife and mother, I was lost. I had, for so many years a screaming, angry husband and I hadn’t a clue as to what he wanted, but somehow felt that I was the cause of his anger. So I tried effortlessly to appease and quiet the beast in him, but to no avail. But in all that time I kept praying for truth. Boy, when God allowed it to be spoken, it surprised my husband more than it did me. He summed up all the years of servitude and maintenance as financial ruin. We never had any money and yes I did spend money we didn’t have to provide for our children, but because he didn’t see it spent, he figured I just squandered it. That was the beginning of the end. It took all of that and someone coming into my life to tell me that I was an abused woman, to get me to view my life differently and to approach God in a different way.
God knows my heart and has always known I have no guile in it. I did nothing for selfish gain or ambition. He has blessed me in spite of my husband’s or anyone else’s opinion. He provided for me and gave me peace and contentment. I’m so much happier since truth came out. At least I know how to process it all and, my husband, soon to be ex, no longer has any reason to be angry. I’ve been told though when money is the object of their anger, it’s usually a cover for something else. But I’ve grown enough to say, I refuse to own any one else’s problems other than my own. If I didn’t create it, it’s not mine.
God’s word tells us to stay away from angry men(people). To work out our own salvation. And so many more words of wisdom, that apply to one and all who choose to believe. It’s up to us to do with it what we will. It’s like being present at a beautiful feast. It’s up to us to pick up the fork and eat. I can’t feed it to someone else. They too have to make a decision. Just like I’ve decided I will no longer be at the mercy of someone who doesn’t care. If I give and nothing is returned, I quit because it’s obviously isn’t being received as it’s given. I will no longer waste the effort on those who don’t want it.
I have a note on my bulletin board in my office and refer to it many times. “Don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs”. Sure took me long enough to absorb all those words of wisdom. I finally found out it’s okay to apply them to my life too. Isn’t it a good feeling though, to be able to stand up and say, enough? “You will no longer treat me like a non entity. I too am a human being, deserving of being treated like one. I wasn’t created to be a human sacrifice. I wasn’t created as an object of your lust. If you don’t like me, leave. Find someone who will put up you!!” I think I like that.
I’m taking back what was stolen from me. My sense of well being, joy, peace, contentment, laughter, love for me, and lots more. We are all okay. It’s their loss, should they count it as such.
Apt/Mgr,
You know, your talk about the “freedoms” we have are so true. Think about our women friends in Muslim countries where they are considered little more than a possession by many of the men–even if they are a wife, they don’t have to be the ONLY one. How about places where a female can’t choose her own mate? Or is married off to some old man at 12 or 13 yrs old as a 2nd or 3rd wife?
We do have FREEDOMS that are NOT accorded to many of our sisters in many parts of the world, and our economic status, however low it might be, is so much better than so many millions of others that compared to them we are WEALTHY.
WE CAN leave the jerks, we can make our own livings, we can get an education..yep, our freedoms are WONDERFUL, and I pray to God that more women can gain them.
Sometimes I feel almost guilty for whining about how “mistreated” I have been when compared to these women who are beaten daily, don’t have enough to eat, maybe no roof over their heads, and no choice in men…etc.
So that sort of in a way puts my problems into perspective…doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, or haven’t hurt, but at the same time…”it could be worse.” God has blessed me so much, and I am grateful for that, but at the same time, with great blessings, much is also expected of us, so I hope in some way soon to benefit others who are also suffering abuse. Just haven’t decided how yet. If Aloha would come to work for me, maybe we could found the shelter here at the farm. But for right now, I need to do a little more “work” on myself…but for the future, who knows?
Thanks for the comments Beverly and Ox. I have been reading so much on the computer that my butt is numb. I came across something today that gave me chill’s and made me run out and jump in the pool and scream. Finally I have found what I have been unable to eternalize or verbalize or except. It is where I am at now BETWEEN DEVALUE AND DISCARD. this is the paragraph that gave me chills…..These people lack a developed sense of “self” and so they borrow our’s. In doing so, they become less enchanted with the image. We are now tainted with the horror they avoid. They see the phantum, distorted image of their own inner world. This they cannot bear. We have lost our luster in binding to this partner. He or she must find a new specimen. They need fresh humanity that does not bear the mark of their own tortured soul.
Beverly, I understand your sense of LOSS. I think it is coming to terms with the terrible understanding that we were not an object of love but a source of supply. That in it’s self is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension. Quote ( Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding.) And the loss of our identity or the theft of our identity. anyway I am glad to have all of you to share and vent with……………….
Henry,
What you said in a way makes sense to me about them not having an “idenity” and they try to borrow ours.
It seems to me, and this is just “my theory” that they KNOW that WE have “something” they don’t. They aren’t sure what “it” is, but they know that we enjoy it (the sense of connectedness, the bonding, the ability to actually love) and with , each new partner they get the “high” off the initial expectation that “this is it” and that with us they will find “it” and finally “get it”–but as they get more involved with us, they realize that THEY STILL DON’T GET IT, and that we “have it” and they become angry when they realize that they are NOT going to “get it”—so they start to become angry with us because we can’t “give it” to them. They still aren’t sure what “it is” but we have it, they know we have “it” and they hate us for it.
The Bible tells us to not “cast your pearls before swine, least they trample them underfood and then turn and rend (tear) you.”
First off, for those of you who are not intimately familiar with pigs or swine, first off, they are very dangerous animals and very smart. They are quite capable and have done in the history of the world, killed and eaten many humans.
They have NO appreciation of “pearls” and can’t appreciate the value a pearl would have, and because you offered them something that wasn’t what THEY were expecting, (something to eat) they will become quite angry at not having their expectations met and attack you, kill you and eat you.
Psychpaths I think are the same way, we offer them our LOVE (pearls, the most valuable pearls we have) and they do not see the value of this gift, so because it wasn’t what they were expecting, and they see it isn’t what they were expecting, they become enraged and turn against us as the cause of their “hunger.”
Just as you could never make a pig see the value in a great pearl, you can never make the psychopath see the “value” in love—they just aren’t capable of “getting it”—so they become VERY enraged at us.
About the “closest” thing they can acheive to “love” is the “rush” you get with a NEW relationship chemically in the brain, but it wears off very fast with the novelty. In “normal” people I think this rush lasts 2-3 years and then the relationship if it is a good one settles down into a mutually satisfying one, but the “rush” is gone. It seems to me that the Ps only have a short rush, not usually lasting the entire 2 or 3 years, but a matter of days, weeks or months. Maybe some of them last longer, before the anger at not having that “rush” sets in and they become abusive again with the latest “victim” when they are “disappointed” at finding “it.”
Maybe that might account for them moving rapidly from partner to partner sexually, or repeatedly having multiple partners at once. Or they might maintain a “primary” relationship like a marriage in order to “pass for normal” in the community. My X-BF-P seemed to want a “respectable” wife and used her for 32 yrs to keep his multiple GFs from pushing him for marrage. When the wife found out for sure about his infidelities (she had suspected all along) she kicked him out, and so he rushed around to find another “respectable wife” and picked me—not so much I think because he was attracted to me, but very impressed by the respect I was accorded in my community. He even mentioned repeatedly how amazed he was at the respect I was accorded, and that everyone seemed to “know me” and speak so highly of me.
Being “respected” in the community in which he lived was very important to him, and since his X-wife was the one with the “respect” in that community, he felt put down there by “everyone knowing” what he had done, how he had treated her, so he was moving on to a new community and a new “respectable wife.” But he had no intention in giving up his “harem” and while his X-wife might have suspected and not “known” about his multiple and continuing affairs, I was not quite as williing to “suspect” without looking for PROOF, which was shortly forthcoming.
Sometimes they also want financial “help” but my X-BF was financially secure so he actually tried to appear “liberal” with his GFs giving them what HE considered “lavish” gifts so he could appear respectable (again wanting to be “respected” in the community to him meant being seen as generous and financially ABLE to be generous) To him, that was a big mark of STATUS. Made him feel superior to the women, but because I would not accept his offered financial “help” he actually felt insulted.
Again, this is just my own theory from observation so may not have any validity at all if it were studied medically.
It’s not a pretty process, yet coming through it is beautiful. I am digging the verbage. Perserverence. Nice.
Rinna it takes a very strong, intellegent, caring, humble woman to admit her relationship has trickled down and hurt her children. Awarness is the beginning of healing. My children never met Mike yet they felt him through me. He’s been out of my life for 14 months and I can see how much more relaxed they are — that alone gives me joy and hope for a brighter tomorrow. You are wonderful thank you for your honesty. You have helped me and many more….. Enjoy the day.
SOME POSITIVE PERSPECTIVES OF LIFE OF HEALING AFTER BEING WITH A SOCIOPATH.
1. We were loved and respected as children, they obviously, were not. If you didn’t receive love and respect from your prarents, how do you expect to give that love and respect as an adult. So be glad that you know how to love and respect others. It’s the greatest gift that we can pass on to others. Unfortunately, sociopaths have no clue to this concept. Pray for them.
2. This too shall pass. Every thing we do in life is a learning lesson. Even if we don’t want or need to learn certain lessons. They are lessons just the same. Look at it from the positive side – we were loved and respected as children and we know how to love and respect as adults. I’ts our legacy to pass on love and respect. Pray for those that can’t love and respect. They attached themselves to YOU for a reason … to get that love and respect which was lacking in their upbringing. They didn’t mean to use and abuse and hurt you, they are stuck living in their EGOs … “forgive them Lord, for they know NOT what they do”. Living from the ego is where and what EVIL comes from. All atrocities experienced through history has stemmed from those living in the EGO which is ERASED GOD OUT (EGO).
3. Professional help is a great start for healing. They will walk you through the healing process by small steps. Step by Step … healing and loving and respecting yourself again. Because YOU are worth it. You always have been worth it.
4. Be kind to your self. Be loving to yourself. Allow yourself time to heal. As you are concentrating on healing, send out love to others just because… send out compassion to others … just because … send out understanding to others … just because. Just because that is really what you are all about. The more you practice sending out love, compassion, understanding to others … the quicker you will heal.
5. To understand this read your Bible. If that is too much to start with, read Tolle’s “A New Earth”.
With Love, honor, respect, compassion and all the other God like qualities to you during this journey of healing.
Peace.
Dear Donna,
A very good post, but not all of us were loved and respected as children, and certainally not all of them were NOT loved or respected as children. I think there is a mixture of the victim and the psychopaths as far as being loved/respected, but the bottom line is that even if WE were NOT loved and respected as children, we STILL have the capacity to love and respect. They do NOT. Where they “fell short” in being able to love and respect is beside the point, the basic point is that they don’t. WE do and can.
All of your other points are wonderful and I agree 100%–“forgive them Lord, for the know NOT what they do” I do think they have NO comprehension of what they are doing, and unfortunately, they don’t even seem to have the capacity to learn what they are doing is “wrong.”
I like your “EGO”–Erased God Out –and it is so true.
Thanks for a very thought provoking and insightful post.