Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Haha…you beat me to it, Oxy! You’re so very wise. Too bad we live so far apart (I’m in the nwus), because I would love to sit, drink coffee and chat with you endlessly. I would absolutely cherish and treasure a true friend like you. 🙂
I had just read Donna’s post and I was considering what she wrote in context to my belief.
I agree with everything you wrote, Donna, except for number 1. Yeah, as Oxy says…”not all of us were loved and respected as children”….and I will also add many of us were not valued in the least by one or both of our parents. YET, those of us who didn’t receive the basics of comfort, care, and support from parent(s), many of us have become kind, loving, compassionate, stellar human beings.
For example, Oxy was literally surrounded by Psychopaths, dysfunctional people her entire life and look how fantastic a woman she is. Look at Beverly and her shock at discovering both of her parents were less than satisfactory in providing love and care for her. Look at Free, look at LilOrphan, look at all of us, men and women, who were forced to be in the presence of evil at tender, early ages. And we have become better, above average, loving and giving human beings.
I truly believe it all boils down to personal choice. You can either choose to STRIVE to live a life of goodness, or you can choose to live a life of badness.
Evil is repulsive, disqusting to me and it should be to anyone who’s soul is free from darkness. We are defiant towards evil and it’s insisdious, empty promises, it’s less than seductive temptations. We’ve all heard the phrase…”It’s so much easier to be bad than good”…H*LL YEAH, it’s easier! No remorse, no guilt, no fear of consequences, repercussions, no inner struggles with doubt, uncertainty. Just take, steal, feed until the primitive creature of evil is sated. Temporarily. But their hunger never ends, does it? It’s all pervasive for evil, all consuming this hunger. It’s an unnatural, perverted hunger that is never, ever relieved. They are hollow men & women without this hunger, and for those of us who have become awake and aware to them, they are hollow with this hunger.
They have, of their own free will, givin their souls to the devil. And every time they “perform” their acts of heinous evil, the father of lies smirks in delight.
Too high a price for me to pay. I’ll stay on the side of the LoveFraud fellowship and all the other loving, ethical people on Earth. The good guys
And I become seriously irritated when I hear comments like this…”Well, evil doesn’t exist, you know. It’s only your perception. It’s not real” The person(s) stating this untruth are either a) a Psychopath or b) someone who’s never been at the receiving end of a Psychopath’s manipulations/deceptions.
I, too, was one of the unlucky ones growing up. I always felt tolerated but not loved. My mom died a month before my 8th birthday. The day she was buried, my sister, who is 3 yrs older, and I went to live with our older sister who is 13 yrs older. My dad stayed behind and we moved about 160 miles from him. Might as well have been the moon. I remember how alone I felt at that time. I was experiencing grief and didn’t know it.No hugs or comfort or understanding. The other kids at school felt sorry for me because I was the only one without parents. 50 years ago that was a big thing to not have parents. I didn’t like them feelings sorry for me though. The only thing that would bring me comfort was singing “The Old Rugged Cross”. That gave me a sense of relief, even at that age.
But just around this time is when I experienced my first bout of a double standard. My older sister told me to do something and I did. She was very angry and now I know why, but then I didn’t. (She was trapped raising her two younger sisters and had her own family.) She thought my dresser wasn’t cleaned up enough and she told me to throw everything away. I’ve always been a literal person and believed she meant it. Why wouldn’t she? Well I dragged myself up to my room and gathered up everything on my dresser and was bringing it downstairs to throw away. She saw me and went ballistic. She wondered what I was doing. I said very meekly throwing the stuff away. Wasn’t much, but I was obeying. She just went crazy and beat my pretty badly with a belt. I couldn’t understand why since I did what she told me.
That became the story of my life. I made it through all those years to only get married and still have that double standard. Love me/hate me. Tolerate me to use me, but call it love. I made a silent vow to my children as babies that they would always know they were loved. I’ve since asked them if they ever had cause to doubt my love and they all said definitely not. That might be one of the problems with my husband that he wanted a mother’s love and she was gone, and expected me to love him like I did our children, and couldn’t separate wife from mother. I was a female and that’s all that mattered.
I just know at this stage of my life, I sure am confused. It has helped so much finding this place and hearing from others. Misery really does love company!! I’ve found very few people I could relate to on this score. But I refuse to live in a state of denial. I, too, was in denial of sorts. I didn’t want to believe anyone would treat a person like I was treated, but used for sex and whatever purpose.
On that note, I did a cross reference on love vs lust, and I sure wasn’t loved. But it is possible to love. I love God and Christ has always been my first love, so loving comes easy and so does hurt. But forgiveness comes easy too. If I talk on a subject, it doesn’t mean I’m harboring resentment and bitterness. My heart has so much sadness in it and I don’t know how to just dump it. It’s a bittersweet time. I know once the legalities are done, and I can finally put my past past, I will feel better. But I know that I have to learn to be content in whatever state I’m in. Pa., Maine, OK., or the constant state of confusion.
Dear Jane and Apt. Mgr,
Yes, it is something that I have observed in the past. I knew a woman who was a real psychopath. She was so horribly abusive to her kids–the one who was mentally retarded, she had dancing nude and selling her services to various old men, taking the money for herself. Her younger son was the “golden child” that she worshipped and her other son and daughter were horribly treated. Both of the two who were abused turned out to be good, caring, wonderful people in spite of having a mother that was worse than a sow pig that will eat her babies. The Golden Child son became just like her and the retarded daughter led a terrible life but she was sweet as she could be.
I have seen other instances where people who were GOOD parents and I knew them welle nough to know that they were, had kids that turned out to be monsters, and my own P-son is a monster. I do not think that the parents of these other kids, or even me, “caused” these children to grow up to be monsters because we abused them. They CHOSE to be monsters, the horrible P woman’s “Golden child: son” chose to be like her, here two “good children” chose to be GOOD IN SPITE OF HER, not because she nurtured them, or loved them, because she didn’t love either of them, she beat and shamed and abused them, and YET THEY BECAME WONDERFUL CARING PEOPLE.
Sure, I learned some bad habits of dysfunction from my FOO, but in spite of it I FOUGHT TO BECOME WHAT AND WHO I AM TODAY, made some mistakes along the way that have caused me some sincere pain and trouble, but who I am is not because everyone in my life as a child was good to me.
I did have a wonderful step father that encouraged me and loved me, but by the same token I had a mother that was anything but “kind and caring” though actually at the time I thought the way she was was “normal” because she told me she was a wonderful mother–who the heck was I to question, if Mama Dearest said it it must be true. She was “only doing it for your own good.”
I made an effort to be a good parent, and to do some of my parenting in a way different from her way of parenting. Yet I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I think I was adequate at least, but one son chose to be a caring good person and the other chose to be a murdering monster. WHY? My parenting? I don’t think so.
The more I see of people and study them, the more I wonder if what kind of parent we have or what kind of parent we are has that much effect on the “outcome” of the chldren? Yes, I know that people who value education usually have a more educated child, etc.but as far as the “person”–the moral compass? I tried to instill a moral compass in my P-son, just like I did in my other sons, and obviously it didn’t “take”—you can “vaccinate” a kid against polio, and sometimes the vaccine doesn’t work, and you can “vaccinate” them against dishonesty, etc by teaching them right from wrong, but it may not be “effective” and they may come down with psychopathic “virus” in spite of all the vaccines in the world from a loving parent.
Or you may have a parent who is “Typhoid Mary” of psychopathic “virus” and still the child emerge unscathed from the “disease.”
Just makes me wonder about human beings. LOL
We really have no guarantee how our children will turn out, once they start the growing process. I hear agony in parents voices who have to watch their child go through the rigors of living and just don’t get it. I always thought we all make mistakes, but it seems sensible to make new ones and not to keep repeating the same ones. I could never understand why so many didn’t get it. It seemed a simple concept, but for some reason it escapes many.
I was told by an acquaintance, whose son was always in trouble, that his counselor said that the reasoning portion of some people’s brain never develop and that’s why they keep getting into trouble. This boy in particular wanted a younger boy in the projects to steal something for him. The younger boy refused, and the older one drove nails into the heels of this young boy. Thus began the older boys journey into a life of crime and horrible mischief. He’s now in his late 20’s and has a scary look about him. Like there’s just something not connected between the eyes. But maybe those who have studied the brain could detail this theory.
There has to be something missing. The majority of my married life, I thought I had to earn my husband’s love. I worked harder than most men I know and nothing worked. One time we were doing work on the house and as usual he was grumbling and complaining how sick and tired he was of working on the house. I very meekly said to him,”why not do it out of love?” He whipped around and practically screamed it at me and said, “you’re crazy woman. What does love have to do with it?” I thought love was the reason we did anything. I knew at that time I was fighting a losing battle.
It was my heart that took a beating. God’s word says to guard our hearts. I knew this, but didn’t think I needed to guard it against the one who said he loved me. I sure learned it the hard way, and there is a guard over my heart and it’s so cold right now as far as wanting a man/woman relationship goes,that I spit ice cubes. And I’ve found out that it is okay to say no. And I am entitled to all the same pleasures other people enjoy. I don’t go around hurting others and for those who want to hurt me and try, I say, I’m rubber, you’re glue. It bounces off me and sticks to you! Sure makes me walk with a spring to my step. Granted I still have moments when I have a reality check and it stops me, but now I remember to keep moving.
I started out this day rather glum. Thanks to being able to talk with those here has helped me and I think I’ll sleep better tonight. I ask God’s blessings on you all and that we all, collectively and individually will find that place of peace and be able to let go of the hurt and find rest for our weary souls.
Donna, thanks for a good post but I have to disagree with your comment that they dont know what they are doing. My “Mike” new what he was doing from the get go, but masked it with love. I can never forgive him. I don’t hate him, I am glad he came into my life. It took EVIL OF THE WORSE KIND to wake me up. Never again will I attempt to have an intimate long term relationship with another man, never never never. apt/mgr. thanks for the last paragraph, I am weary, very much so. thanks to all of you…………
Dear Rina and amr,
I am new here but have been reading from this site for several months, trying to figure out what happened and today when I was thinking maybe its all over and I have finally moved ahead, then WHAM, here it all comes flooding back.
The lies, the deciet, secrets, dishonesty and stealing…. it just seems that the nightmare has returned and I am now really angry and hurt again especially when she was luring me back into her trap – only two days ago. How gulliable am I to even think that maybe she has changed after being in jail for three months.
By sheer chance this morning I just logged on and read your story and I feel for your pain and noticed that you live in Melbourne…so do I.
I dont know that I can help but I can listen.
I cannot spend much time on line now and would really like to read everybody’s posts tonite as this is all new to me, so please hang in there and I will be back
Rev08
Kathy Krajco: In Memoriam
Today I learned a hard lesson about the hatred and rage that we all feel. I hate that I feel these disgusting feelings, I never had them before.
But for a couple months now, I have been lurking here and over at Kathy Krajco’s site: http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/
Sometimes here, and I am not criticizing at all, but I feel that there is too much emphasis on me, and why I didn’t see the con, the crap and how it was MY responsibility to get out.
Kathy saw it a different way. She saw it like me. Like we have been raped or some other horrible crime has been committed on us. She never once blamed the victim in any way whatsoever. I liked that, I felt supported and validated. I am not ashamed of my victim status, being a victim is not shameful.
Anyway, from Kathy’s blog and her writing, she was a victim her whole life, with family members who were horrible, leaving (I believe) her dying mother in the dark and depriving her of pain medication in her last hours, some horrible things.
But Kathy survived, found her love and family in her little Toto dogs, and started a blog. She wrote and wrote and supported and clarified and thought and contributed.
One recent post was from a person who grew up with a narcissistic parent whose brother ended up in so much pain he cut his own head off with a chainsaw.
All the parents worried about was what story to tell at the funeral.
Anyway, it’s been almost two months since Kathy updated her blog. I kept checking back…and back…Kathy? Where are you? Are you on a tropical island with no internet? Hope so.
For some reason I clicked on a link from her site and found: Kathy Krajco: In Memoriam.
Kathy died two months ago – unexpectedly. There was never a hint of anything wrong. I am sick to think of why. I’ve been posting to her, and she’s been dead.
I feel like I lost my big sister. I am really sad.
And I was thinking about this post and how much I relate. And how Kathy was able to stay strong and not let this rage monster eat her alive, and how she has pulled me from its jaws.
But I am looking at how much time narcissism has robbed from her life. Even though she did so much good, she, like me and all of us had to work every day to stay above the quicksand.
And in the middle of it – she died.
It could happen to any of us too. How much more time do we want to spend raging and hating and revenging? We could die unexpectedly, just like Kathy – in the middle of it.
Yes, it is not fair that we have to rebuild our entire existence after the crime of falling in love or growing up. It sucks. I for one should be settled, enjoying the fruits of my life’s labor, not standing in the produce aisle fighting back tears when I hear the muzak play ‘our song.’
But we could die tomorrow. So we have to remember that. If it could happen to Kathy, it can happen to me. I know that now for sure. She was as strong as they come.
And even if her death was not her choice (which I doubt, but you never know) I am positive that this deathly stress robbed years from her good life. She played tennis and taught high school biology. She had her dogs and yoga and her blogs.
She was as tough as they come, and still, narcissism took so much from her.
In honor of Kathy, I am not wasting a moment on someone who is not worthy of breathing the same air I do.
Lilygirl-
I needed to read what you wrote so much. Kathy was/is an inspiration to me. You are correct she never blamed the victim, ever.
And she was tough, no nonsense- she got it, she knew. I miss her.
But I know she still speaks today. She did today, through you. Efforts have been made to keep her work alive and online.
You’re right it’s time to live.
Thank you Kathy!!!
I went to my second meeting with the therapist yesterday. She didn’t have a clue what I was talking about, I get my therapy here. So here goes….my mother has been in and out of mental hospitals my whole life, I took on the role of parent. I got married to please HER, the best mistake of my life, I have two good son’s three beautiful grandkids. But it wasn’t fair to my ex wife or to me. I have always known I was gay. Why didn’t I have a positive role model in my life when I was young, some one to tell me that I was ok that way? It is so much easier for young people to be gay now. My therapist asked about my mama drama, I just said I cannot go there now, I need to deal with my P, I need to stop hurting, she said I should journal. I told her about lovefraud maybe she will check it out. I am 53 years old, a self employed landscaper/jack of all trade’s. Lean and goodlookin, have no problem gettin laid. But I wanted more than that, I wanted someone to SHARE with, someone to grow old with. I took him in when he was homeless, got his teeth fixed, helped him buy a car. I don’t think he ever even thanked me. I am not surgar-daddy material, at least I didn’t think so. He never wanted to be with me, he had no other choice. He took advantage, he victimized me, he terrified me. I can’t look in the mirror, what a fuckin fool I am. I knew he was using me from the start. I am glad he is gone. Early in the relationship I kicked him out, took him to the bus station and just drove off, I felt so relieved, four hour’s later he called crying and begging to come back. I went and got him, I felt so sorry for him. His own mother said (he can not come here I cant do anything with him, he is a booger.) I felt sorry for him (hurt puppy) borderline cluster B sociopath. OK you all can stop smirking, I know the problem is with me. I was a sucker, a codependent screwed up mess. Have always felt like a misfit, dont fit in the gay world or the straight world. So here comes this other misfit and I say to myself, hmm we can have each other, I will help him, we will grow old and die fishing. He became me and I became him. He had no sense of self, he listened, he mirrored, he decieved, he manipulated. Dont we all want someone kinda like ourselves? someone who enjoys the same things? WE had nothing in common, I was tied up in knots for two and a half years. I went crazy, I am crazy. I am a grown man, a grandfather, a respectable likeable trustworthy person. SO now I am lonely, lonely is what got me in this mess to begin with. I am gettin my shit together this summer, for the first time in my life, I am going to take care of me……………….thanks
lilygirl, after reading about (Kathy) I wish I could erase my last post.