Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Yeah, I miss Kathy very much also. I found out about her death in May. I, like you lilygirl, kept checking her website daily after her last April 15th post. I also read that chilling, devestatingly heartbreaking comment from the reader who’s brother killed himself. As soon as I read it, I swear, my heart literally lurched in my chest and I couldn’t catch my breath. The tears came next for all the pain & tragedy that poor man and his brother had suffered their entire lives.
Here’s Anna’s brilliant blog, http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ if you wish to read further information regarding Kathy’s death. It’s the May 29th post one page back.
I also want to submit an absolutely beautiful comment one of Anna’s & Kathy’s devoted readers, krl, wrote:
“Somehow, I don’t think she died ‘lonely’…albeit alone. She gave so much to the world…and there is something about that may well have given her back much more than she ever dreamed or hoped for. I don’t like to think of anyone dying alone but I can think it better than having a circle of Ns in my face. I’ll bet she died in the company of her ‘friends’:…Truth, Courage, and Justice….prepared to stand before God, as she knew Him and understood Him…hearing the words: “Daughter, well done.”
I don’t know. But, it would only be fitting.”
Dear Henry, various thoughts (in common) came to mind when reading your post. My mother too was narcissistic with schizophrenia and at the time I believed her put downs, because she was my only family member, (no uncles or grandparents etc), I curtailed my existence to fit her words.
But surely this is what we all do to some degree, cut off the authentic parts of ourselves – surely our life journey is to reclaim those authentic parts. When we have had a dysfunctional upbringing (my parents divorced when divorce was uncommon) and find ourselves feeling different to the mainstream or a little quirky, or alone – we look for someone to complete us to honor that quirkiness. Part of shadow work is to reclaim and listen to the dark parts of ourselves and to give those characters a voice, so that their gifts work for us, other than repressing them. Our shadows (the ‘negative’ traits) reveal themselves in our relationships and we project onto others. Part of the growth I am trying to deal with, is to find out what the other person ‘signified’ in my life and why I was so drawn to them, that I went along with the illusion. I found that my significant other represented my unavailable father and that we he finally abandoned me, It dredged up the pain and injustice of being abandoned by my father. In sense I was complicit in working out my incompleteness – and I am still chewing it all over.
I am so comforted to see the efforts to protect Kathy’s work, as well as investigating why she died. Her narcissistic sister lived just across the street, so those of us who wish we didn’t live close to our abuser, look at what she endured.
Kathy’s book is here beside me, dog eared and filled with printouts of the blogs from her website that I need to keep with me.
When I read her obituary yesterday, I thought it read a lot like mine would – in fact, yesterday I posted that on her memorial guestbook – that when you have N’s in your life, you don’t have dozens of newspaper inches listing your family, lovers and friends.
She said once that Abraham Lincoln’s obituary would be short on family listings too – and when you see that in a good person’s obituary, there is a good reason for it.
Just two nights ago, before I discovered she died, I posted to her about how difficult it is to stand up for yourself when it means cutting out people you trusted, that have betrayed you.
I have been forced to do that several times in the past few months, and while it has been necessary, it has been painful and I now am often alone.
And as I tend to be the kind of person who keeps at it, trying to get through the wall of flak – I remember Kathy’s words and I let go. It has been a comfort to me to have permission to let go and accept a hopeless situation.
So in similar ways, we are all alone like Kathy. We have been forced to let go and accept hopeless situations with people we are supposed to love. We find comfort in our pets, our sports, our children, and of course, our writing.
We are all her, and she was a strong leader. I feel a little scared now, as I started this journey with her support, and now must keep going alone.
But maybe we can continue this support of each other, and even if our obituaries won’t list miles of family and friends’ names, we will know that we will not die alone.
Last night I was reading here about the rage and anger we feel after betrayal – and how it is so hard to overcome it.
Kathy said that rage and anger is the demonstration of our self-worth. I agree.
I often repeat her words “With a N, it is either get abused all the time or fight all the time not to be.”
That is me, and my N ended up accusing me of never being able to get along. I used this line and closed him down.
But so many people get stuck there in the rage and wish for revenge – and I understand well. Me too.
But when you look at how strong Kathy was, how she was able to have a death grip on reality (LOVE THAT) and dedicate her life to fighting this agony, still, so much of her life was robbed by narcissism.
The moment I heard she was dead, I thought suicide. I still feel like that – only that it was murder by suicide.
In the end, a physical abuser will murder you.
In the end, an emotional abuser will make you murder yourself.
Even if it is done over a lifetime, a malignant narcissist will kill you for sure.
And in the end, it is still murder, but a narcissist keeps his hands clean.
Whether it was her heart, a fall, who knows. What I know for sure is that narcissism robbed her of her life – she – and none of us here – deserve to have to spend one second of our precious life trying to recover from this crime that has been committed against us.
I understand the need to go back over every situation with the N and look at it with a stronger, healthier point of view. It is normal to process it this way.
But as we still sit here trying to recover and losing precious time from our lives – the N’s crime against us is still in progress. We are still suffering.
And as Kathy said, no one can forgive a crime in progress. Forgiving it is like saying the abuse of you isn’t continuing, and if it isn’t continuing, it is nothing and if abuse of you is nothing then you are nothing.
We are not nothing.
That is why it is so hard to accept and move on. The N’s can still affect our lives, driving us here to post and cry and anguish, instead of laughing, planting flowers or making a pot of soup.
The crime continues as we are left with all the black feelings put into us by the N – while the N is laughing, planting flowers and making soup. The N was successful in projecting his vile feelings into us, making us sit with them while he laughs in the sunshine.
It is insidious and twisted and sick. Kathy is dead and her sister is probably raiding her life with a smile on her face.
Every time I feel compelled to indulge myself with that rage, the quest for karma or to make sense out of nonsense – I will honor Kathy and start peeling carrots for my soup.
It is what she was telling us to do. Even with her death, she shows us that life is too short to waste on a predator.
We have a new guardian angel up there.
Lilygirl
Dear Henry,
I don’t “blame” the victim (or myself as victim) in any way, but at the same time, I OWN my own responsibility IN ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE past the first disrespectful act.
In EACH case of being involved with a psychopath I had a “different reason” for allowing it to continue, and ultimately for breaking off the relationship completely. In some it took a LOT of abuse before I had the courage to break it off, in others it took less abuse and I “caught on” earlier.
With people outside my “family” and “very close friends” I had NO TROUBLE setting boundaries and I set appropriate ones and did NOT allow abuse at all. Inside my “circle of trust”–those people that I loved and were close to me—those people were allowed to walk all over me with impunity. If I even THOUGHT about setting a boundary I FELT SUCH GUILT I was unable to defend such a boundary. I kept “making excuses” for allowing the walking all over me and my boundaries. I kept up malignant HOPE, when anyone with “one eye and half sense” (as my grandfather would say) should have known better.
It was only the EXTREME abuse of my P-son and his Trojan Horse-P trying to kill me that shook me out of my FOG and made me protect myself and get rid of the malignant hope I was harboring in denial.
My oldest son, C, and I had a wonderful conversation on the phone this morning about all the GOOD things that have come out of this nightmare. The lessons we have learned, the fact that the WEDGE that his personality disordered wife drove between him and our family etc. these are GONE. I have my son’s trust and love back, he has his freedom from her control back. We are both learning what is REALLY important in this life and it isn’t the “stuff” and “money” that they took from us, it is that WE SURVIVED–we are NOT dead like Laci Peterson and others whose Psychopaths took their lives.
My son C told me that every day he is “counting his blessings” as he drives home from work or to work. He is healthy, he has a job, he is alive, he has friends, he has family that loves him, a mother and a brother, the X-wife and her malicioius control are gone, etc. He is looking at what he has GAINED rather than what he LOST–because all he lost was his “fantasy” of a wife that loved him, and the “fantasy” that his “friend” the TH-P and fantasy that his P-brother cared about him.
AT first I think we focus on the pain of our fancied “losses” but as we heal and grow, we can start focusing on the GAINS that we have achieved instead. Sometimes we get a trigger that will “provoke” us to again feel the pain of the loss or the anger for a little while, but on the whole, we move forward even though we occasionally have a back step.
Looking back, though I would have preferred to have “learned this lesson” a little less painfully, I think God in His wisdom gives us the lessons we NEED and if we don’t learn it the first or second time, we keep getting “repeat” lessons until we DO learn it. I think I may have told this before, but when my kids were toddlers, they kept reaching for my iron (in those days I even ironed the sheets LOL) and I kept saying “hot” and they didn’t really comprehend what HOT meant. I was so worried that they would severely burn themselves that I finally turned the iron down on “low” where it would feel painful but NOT INJURE them, and let them touch it. After that painful experience, they never again touched ANYTHING that I told them was “hot”–which worked out great as I could say that anything was “hot” (even if it wasn’t) and they would NEVER touch it. They learned a VALUABLE lesson because of the PAIN that they experienced, and they would NOT have learned that lesson without the pain. I have no doubt that that lesson saved them from a worse and disfiguring burn. I still have the scar of a burn received from my own mother’s iron on my arm when I was little.
I learned moderation in alcohol consumption with the FIRST hangover I ever had–and the LAST—because the results of over indulging were PAINFUL. If I had NOT learned this lesson, I might hve continued to drink alcohol to excess (I drink hardly any) and completely ruined my life, with tougher and worse “natural consequences.”
I learned to regulate the time I went to bed to correspond with the time I have to get up, so that I don’t spend a day sleep deprived and tired, by a few times of staying up too late when I KNEW I had to get up early the next day.
I learned not to spend money for everything I wanted when I couldn’t afford it because when time came to pay my bills I didn’t have enough money left.
And so on, with consequences for poor choices, we LEARN. We made some poor choices when we allowed the psychopath to CONTINUE to abuse us, and we had the CONSEQUENCES of the pain that resulted from those poor choices, just like the hangover from drinking too much. We may have enjoyed the “party” while it was going on, but it resulted in a “bad hangover” the “next day.” Now we are learning to spot when we have reached a point in a relationship in which we are “drinking” too much of the abuse. (when we see the RED FLAGS) and we are now able to put our hands (boundaries) over our glasses and say NO MORE! I’VE HAD ENOUGH.
It is OUR responsibility to set those boundaries and to NOT allow the psychopaths to continue to “pour” their “poisons” into our souls. Plus, we have the options of “leaving the party” (NO CONTACT). That does NOT mean I “blame the victim”—because sometimes folks will “slip us a mickey” as they say and hit us when we are not looking, but again, we need to NOT be around THAT person ever again.
Hugs to and prayers for us all!
I am writing to explain my comment about those that can’t love. My comment was written under the name of Donna and Donna Andersen asked that I changed my name so I wouldn’t be confused with her.
I stated that they (anti-social personalities) didn’t experience love from their family life as children, so how would I expect them to give love as an adult. Which obviously, is not what I meant. My deduction is as follows. I believe that when what we are calling “anti-social personalities” were children they viewed their surroundings from their ego’s perception. It is their egos imagination that took off instead of staying “humble” and working through their thoughts and pain. For example, mother figure reprimanded child. Child’s ego was crushed due to the reprimand which caused them pain. Instead of trying to figure out what was meant by the reprimand which caused them pain (and no one likes pain), the ego took on a life of it’s own, saying “when I grow up I will never be bossed around again to feel this pain, or I’ll get even with that person or all adults because of the pain they caused me, or when I grow up I will never be vulnerable again (which caused them to feel pain), I will be in control etc (not to feel the pain)”. Something on that line of thinking. What this child actually did was not understand (and work out) the reprimand as a learning experience but felt it as a vulnerable experience of receiving pain. To avoid the pain (in the future) they felt at that time in their young life … their ego ended up taking an unrighteous path in life. Because the unrighteous path they took worked at that point in their young lives (ridding them of the pain incurred) … they continued taking unrighteous paths whenever it was convenient for them to do so. All because they were too young and vulnerable at the time of the injury to work through the pain. By continuously taking unrighteous paths in life, they never learned the lessons they would have learned if they took the righteous paths in life. Those that took righteous paths in life learned the lessons taught at that fork in the road … Whereas, those that took unrighteous paths in life (to avoid future pain) never learned the lessons that would be taught if they took the righteous path. Hence, why they are devoid of emotions in adult life. For every righteous path we take, we learn lessons. Those lesson learned are tools added to our tool belt of life. Those that took unrighteous path through life did not learn these lessons. Hence, no tools added to their tool belt of life. There you have it. You are either walking around with many tools that were added to your tool belt of life, or no tools added to your tool belt. That is what come down to humble versus evil. Jesus showed us and told us to stay humble for a reason. The reason is to learn the lessons life is to teach us. Anti-social personalities didn’t want to feel pain again, so their egos continued to take unrighteous paths in life. Hence, Jesus saying “forgive them Lord, for they NOT know what they do”. And, they do not know what they do … they never learned the lessons in life as they progressed because they were AVOIDING the pain incurred from the very first chapter of the lessons to be learned. Final note from my perspective of anti-social personalities destroying my career and my personal life, so I am talking from experience … they (anti-social personalities) can be turned around and walked through the lessons in life … it just is very difficult because their egos are very keen and active, they are very intelligent people, you have to acknowledge you have a problem to start solving the problem etc. This is the reason prison came into society. Prison was a place to keep people still, go silent, read the bible, work through the pain, and reflect. Unfortunately, prison life with the egos running it took on a life of it’s own providing punishment for infractions instead of a place for reflection and learning and progressing through the pain. So as you work through the pain caused by anti-social personalities … learn the lessons God wants us to learn … you will see the compassion of what really is going on with so called anti-social personalities. Like I said, read Tolle’s book “A New Earth” and then read your Bible. You will get to the place of compassion again. I promise you. Peace.
Dear Wini,
Once you explained it like that, you may be right on. I know that even though my P-son was offered love, he apparently never accepted it in the way most children do.
When WE are working through the rage and anger at the betrayals, it takes us a while as well, to work through that and come back to where it doesn’t EAT us inside.
Yesterday I discovered the vandalizm that the Trojan HOrse P did to some of my equipment with engines so that the engines were ruined completely, he did it last summer but only now have I discovered WHAT HE DID and the damage done.
Yesterday I was ENRAGED at this….today I am more accepting of it, and it didn’t throw me into a 3 months long tizzy of anger, rage, etc. like it would have if I had discovered this a year ago when it was most likely done. I am much more able NOW to “accept” it as “what’s done is done, I’ll just hve to handle it from here” and go on with my life without letting that anger and rage EAT AT ME. He would LOVE it to eat at me, keep me enraged and angry for weeks or months, or forever…but I am DOING BETTER THAN THAT, and I am thankful that I have worked on getting rid of the anger and rage—it creeps back now and then, but when it does, I handle it. I’m proud of myself for handling this one, accepting it, not letting it transform me into a wrathful and unhappy person. I’m putting it into perspective—it is just “stuff” and I will get over it. He hasn’t hurt ME or anyone I love if I don’t LET IT.
Thanks for your explination. Makes sense now.
Lilygirl,
What you wrote was eloquent and thought provoking. You honor Kathy so very well. Thank you for sharing.
I’m not sure why I still respond to the posts and comments here. I have no rage or desires for revenge in me. The Lord will do what needs to be done. But I think I may be able to offer some comfort and wisdom that I’ve learned through many years of my life, not only from an involvement with a personality disordered individual. I’m not here to purge any longer, but to help heal others and in the process heal myself.
Plus this community is where I belong as far as conversing with folks who share the same natures, qualities that I do. Don’t we all want to be part of a community of people who care, support and learn from each other? I need this website and I will be a part of it until I’m able to move on with a clear head, a clear conscience and peace, resolve in my heart.
Yes, Wini, ego=sub personalities=shadow characters. We all have a shadow side and more often than not, this shadow side emerges in relationships after the initial honeymoon period is over. Our negative traits are exposed! That is why it is best to keep a big part of oneself to oneself whilst allowing this to happen. That is why when some people particularly those with personality disorders are like Jekyll and Hyde characters. If you had seen how ‘sweet and attentive’ my exN was at the beginning and how he was at the end, there was no comparison, he was acting out his shadow subpersonalities BIG TIME.
With people like my ex who is a Narcissist, he was badly abused as a child by his mother and father and he has bottled up all his anger and pain (his demons in a box), but I told him once, ‘you think you have the lid on the box, but your box is leaking out all over the place’ and yet he couldnt see it, he didnot understand what I was saying. He is a master of passive anger, if you cross him, he ‘gets you back’ another day, when you have forgotten all about it this was the mechanism he learnt as a kid. I was shocked once, I asked him, ‘what do you think about women’? he said ‘all women are manipulative’ – that statement told me alot about him and this excuses his subpersonalities to hurt women – he has an excuse!!
Wini – My exNs favourite saying was ‘I hear voices – and they dont like you’. He built a wall around himself and he was proud of the fact that people found him thugish to look at and would not want to cross him and that is why he works in the security business. He controls them, (society) he keeps people out, in a sense he keeps most people out of his life and lets in only the chosen ones. But the chosen ones have to adhere to his standards and at first he puts his main woman on a pedestal, then gradually when she disappoints by showing her imperfections, he starts to dismantle her (criticise) her, as though he has the power in his hands to do that.
This pattern of behaviour all comes from his desire to protect his vulnerability and his pain, they co exist together and whilst like most of us, he feels lonely and wants love, his subpersonalities (his voices) sabotage every relationship he has ever had.
Ya know -this doesn’t ring true. My P said the same crap..women lie, cheat ( he was a colossal liar and cheat) …he didn’t like his mother etc. Didn’t like so and so…and then see him with so and so…he looks jubilant or catch him unaware a sI did a couple of times and there’s the rage.
They aren’t real with anyone, it’s all a game and I don’t buy it was because they were abused. I know many child abuse survivors, they are especially aware of others feelings. I don’t believe we can reach them either.
And I don’t think it’s about overcoming a defense mechanism- they created long ago, over inflating their ego, no I think it’s pride. They deserve whatever they want, when they want. I have seen P a few select times just bare, raw and it was ugly.
As my P said he’s not defensive, he’s on the offense, attacking. Iwill never forget that reply.