Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
I was left as “road kill” by anti-social personalities. My bosses destroyed my career … at the time I was involved with my fiance living with me … who portrayed himself to be such a nice, compassionate, loving, kind, gentle soul … who insisted that he was standing by my side while my bosses and their cronies destroyed my work history, career, paycheck… Long story short – my anti-social bosses and their anti-social cronies had 6 years of playing their dirty games with my professional life and hoping that I’d go over the edge due to a nervous breakdown, commit suicide, just quit, for me to go away at any cost. Settlement came at the end of March 2004, where I was retired. Now it was time to heal … so I started working at licking my wounds with the help of my fiance standing by my side. Then the 2nd shoe fell … you guessed it, liens were placed on my house in CT from my loving fiance bilking up 2 of my credit cards without my knowledge and/or consent … foreclosing on my house in another state … stealing my money under false SOS calls – stealing money out of my bank account using my ATM card, stealing items that he liked from my home, fleeing the state to another state, immediately married a woman he met on-line dating site, leaving me with a bill of over $200,000.00 dollars plus damage for allowing this *%!!***hole into my space. All this because I loved him and trusted him. Now, come on folks, he’s not the only anti-social personality I’ve met in my life and learned to protect myself from and to stay clear away from them. I’m very well read on the subject, I’ve endured many of them in my life, payed my dues, worked through the pain they caused me, learned more lessons from my experience with them … to having intimate conversations with my ex about people like this … to finding out how cleaver they can be and getting lip service from a full blown highly intelligent anti-social personality that can show and ACT with compassion, ACT like a real feeling human being, ACT, ACT, ACT put together so perfectly, you wouldn’t know until he’s gone off down the road. So I’m again left with “now what do I do”. Well, I’ve already been down the road of anger and hurt and licking my wounds and reading the Bible and growing from the knowledge (wisdom) learned … and I was saying to myself “what good is it for me to constantly have to learn, learn, learn, and get through the pain, picking myself up again, dusting myself off … moving on with my life … when are they going to start learning and growing and feeling the pain? I of course, pay to God all the time. Pray for wisdom and understanding … pray that I get through the pain quickly this time around … then one day I prayed to God to send me a messenger. We all know God sends us messengers – it’s that when we are ready to see or hear the messenger is when we hear or see the messenger. I then payed attention to what as on TV. The TV was on as a backdrop noise that day. Who was on? Oprah was on. She was talking about Tolle’s book and to go onto her site Oprah.com log on, give yourself a password and sign up for the classes with Tolle. So I did. The man and Oprah should be nominated and receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Oprah is leaving Tolle’s taped classes on line for free because she knows others need to read the book and would like to listen to the author explaining in detail the 10 chapters to his book. Oprah is having a summer class on Tolle’s work. Go to her site and check it out and start your healing. You will free yourself of whatever an anti-social personality did to you. I promise you this. It is great to feel innocent and like a child again … free from all the pain I endure throughout my life. If I can be this way again, so too can you. Love to all of you out there. Start your healing … to be again, the best that you can be … God made us perfect … each and every one of us. God wants the best for us.
JaneSmith,
I think that is where we prove ourselves as the world’s true human beings.
When we come into the relationship it is without anger, rage, revenge – we offer love, empathy, compassion.
But we have the twisted darkness and those horrible feelings we hate put into us by a pathological twisted being, who uses us as his garbage dump.
He steals our virtues and leaves us with his garbage.
However, we have so much strength in us that eventually those dark feelings are twisted back into the goodness that we first had, plus it is a wiser goodness that we now share with others.
There is our revenge in the end. It will come, I promise.
Keep sharing, keep doing kindnesses, keep empathizing, keep loving. Keep laughing. Keep living.
These are ways to heal. This is the path to the only revenge there is for us.
We are not the kinds of people who want others to suffer – that is just the darkness inside you that doesn’t belong there.
Turn on the light.
Lilygirl
Hatred is such a hard thing to live with; especially for a good person which is the only person a sociopath will bother with. It’s what they exploit to get their way. I struggle with hatred daily; since I realized what was being done to me and my children. After a year and a half and an official divorce, just when I think I’m starting to let go, it comes flooding back in again. I share a beautiful child with my sociopath ex, which means weekly encounters, disappointments and probably lies.
I cope by finding strength in myself. I’m not fully prepared to trust another man but did go a out on a few dates with one just
recently. When I started to feel it was on his terms and violating mine, I stopped. I’m learning to set boundaries; the lack there of part of how I was able to fall victim.
It’s important to process the ill feelings. It is equally as important not to let them rule your world; as that only empowers the sociopath by giving them control over your thoughts and emotions.
Some day, we will all learn to love again. Perhaps not with the same freedom and lack of caution. However, in this world where more than a generation of men have learned to exploit women to get what they want instead of working for it, this is not a bad thing. It’s our cross to bare; learning to balance being good with being practical.
This is what I’ve learned to do when entertaining new people into my life. Know what you want and need! Process it and write it down. Then, DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS!!! You may feel lonely, believe me I do. But, it’s better than feeling used, taken for granted or falling prey to a sociopath again. If you’re a good enough person for a sociopath to pick you then you deserve nothing less than what you want and need. And, above all, no matter what, love yourself like you want to be loved. Do for others that what you wish, nothing more or less. If they let you down at least you didn’t let yourself down.
I think a portion of the intensity of the anger and rage we feel when coping with the aftermath of a sociopath is self anger and hatred. We wonder what we didn’t do, could have or should have done. How could we…
STOP! This is what they used against us. People make mistakes. They see things and ignore because they want to believe that which fulfills their desires. It’s human, normal and even the best fall prey. Forgive yourself first…after that…the rest will follow.
Dear Duped,
Great GREAT post. Very well said. Thanks.
dear oxy and anyone that want’s to comment on this. I have kept the no contact for sometime now, I don’t know where he is, but I have this great need to send him (in the mail) the trait’s and behavior’s of a sociopath/physcopath/borderline personality disorder. I have it in an envelope ready to mail ( his mail will just be forwarded to his new address). Seriously I think he will just trash it. But I need to let him know what he is, and the affect it had on me. Am I just asking for trouble? I don’t want him back, don’t want to ever see him again. But he just walked away with no remorse. I am sure he is on to his new victim, last time he called it was from another mans number. Am I being childish? I think it will make me feel better. any comment’s would be most appreciated………..
Dear Henry
NO DO NOT SEND IT.
I too had this GREAT NEED to tell my psychopathic son off and to tell him what great devestation he had brought onto the heads of his family—
But the thing is, IT GIVES THEM SATISFACTION TO KNOW YOU HURT. Don’t do it! It only gives them PLEASURE to know how badly they hurt you,, it is FEEDING THE VAMPIRE A BLOOD MEAL, YOUR Blood!
I know in a “normal” relationship we might do such a thing, but not in a psychopathic one.
EVen if you wrote it in your own blood as it flowed from your veins as you died from slashing your jugular vein, it would only give him MORE PLEASURE TO HAVE HURT YOU.
Please, Henry, I have BEEN THERE, I have wanted to tell my son off so many many many times, and I did for a long time and every word I wrote WAS A BLOOD MEAL TO HIM.
After I went “NO CONTACT” and then later when the entire family went NO CONTACT he was spinning like a roast over a hot fire—it was THE worst punishment he could have had, to NOT hear from us. My mom sent him a bit of money from time to time, but even she didn’t write to him and let him know what was going on.
He wrote angry letters, he wrote pity letters, he contacted everyone he knew on the outside to call us and see what was going on, why we wouldn’t contact him, why we wouldn’t let him “explain” etc etc. if he got any “punishment” out of all of this it was the NOT HEARING, NOT KNOWING.
Don’t send the letter Henry—for YOUR sake. It does NOT give you any satisfaction, and it WILL give him satisfaction. (((hugs))))
ok oxy i value your opinion and knowledge thanks so much……………
I, too, agree. How I wish I could take back every form of correspondence. It falls on deaf ears, but gives a satisfaction that they can still get to us. Doesn’t mean a thing. If it did, none of us would have any need to speak up here or to tell our story anywhere. They just don’t get it. The idea of hurting someone is a feeling of power. They are in control. And to write to them, gives them the satisfaction that we are still thinking of them. I always kept trying another approach. It is pointless. The are emotionally retarded and maybe if they had something earth shattering happen, it just might shake them a bit, but probably not. They are right and dare anyone to tell them otherwise.
I kept waiting for those in question in my life to see that I too, needed my turn. It never came, until I took matters in my own hands. I was a champion of the under dog and would speak out for others, but never myself. That was real dumb on my part. Like I deserved the treatment but the others didn’t. I stupidly thought if I didn’t speak up, they wouldn’t leave me. I was entirely too needy and it was out of my neediness, that caused me to be manipulated. But had I not gone through that, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I think, though, out of the millions of people in the world, how did I become attracted to two different men, but who were exactly the same, and have the same immaturities, and somehow perceived me differently. No wonder my head was always spinning.
But anyway, I think you’d be better off getting a magazine subscription. You’ll only frustrate yourself even further trying to make a point. They have no problem moving on, as they brought nothing into the relationship and therefore have left nothing behind, but bad memories. What we perceive as good memories, were just an illusion. A figment of our imagination.
good advice thanks apt/mgr. your last 2 sentence really says it all…………….
What you are left after a surface dweller leaves your space.
I call anti-socials surface dwellers (SDs for short). I can’t tell you anything new that you already figured out for yourself when confused and hurt when an SD who shared your life left you in shambles. I can tell you about the healing that comes as you move through the pain that SDs left as their legacy. You have to believe me when I tell you this … SDs choose you for a reason. The reason is … you shined of God’s light. SDs are always attracted to the natural glow of God’s light. You live in God’s light … SDs live in darkness and are attracted to the light. That’s why they choose you. They wanted the light that you’ve acquired. The light is what you received from God as you chose righteous paths throughout your life. God gives this to you without your knowledge as you consistently chose righteous paths (God’s way) throughout your life. You added the knowledge (wisdom) of doing what was good, you built and added security to your self esteem (adding more to the foundation of who you are) for doing what was good (the work), you added patience to your foundation of who you are, you stayed humble because you did what was good. There are many tools added to your tool belt of life when taking the righteous roads when faced with the fork in the road of life. SDs, for whatever reason … maybe they did not have an adult who cared enough (due to their own problems) or had the time (was always working to support the family and was too exhausted) to follow through and question whether the child took the righteous path. If this child did not do what was right, they are not stupid, they pretend (1st lie told) that they did the work. By pretending as this first choice in life, they didn’t realize that choosing the unrighteous path was not good for them (and not good for every one). They had no way of understanding the ramifications of what would happen to them when they did not take a righteous path. All they knew at that time as a child is when they lied, they were not questioned about the validity of their answer. In their minds as children, they got away with the lie.
If I already explained some of what a person gained by taking the righteous road, you can figure out what this child did not acquire when taking the unrighteous road throughout their lives. Remember, SDs where innocent children when forced to choose (out of some desperation) to take the unrighteous road. Here again ” “Forgive them Lord, for they NOT know what they do”.
And now you know the rest of the story. SDs are to be forgiven, not punished. If professionals can look at SDs as the young child they truly are inside, they can work with them. Step by step to work them through the righteous paths in life so they too can have the glow of God’s light in their lives. SDs gravitate towards the light. The light is God’s love. God loves all his children. We as adults should help SDs by showing them how to walk in the light. Not punish them, frustrate them even more (they live in frustration) but help them. Show them how to take the righteous path in life. Small steps, step by step.
Peace, love, harmony and all of God’s virtues to you.
The reason they are frustrating as adults to help is they are very clever individuals. They figured out all the tricks (ego) to survive throughout their lives. They built up such a wall around them for protection over their years it’s almost impossible to permeate. I said “ALMOST”, not impossible. It takes compassion, patience, wisdom, love, respect, all of God’s virtues to work with SDs. And that is why our world is the way it is today.