Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
i know I am still confused. It never was real. I guess any kind of rejection is hard. and yes i do need to take ownership in my part, I let it go on and on. In a way was hoping he would meet someone else because that was his and my only way to end the nightmare. It wasnt untill he was actually gone that I learned he was a sociopath/bpd. It all made scince, but that doesn’t mean that the love I gave him was not real. And in a way I held back the love that I wanted to give because I could see his intent in his face, in his action’s. The borderline is terrified of abandoment, he was child like one minute and a monster the next. I can remember nites I would hide my wallet, money, keys. Was afraid to go to sleep. But still I wanted to protect him, make him feel loved and wanted. I still worry about him, one minute I wish the worst for him, the next I hope he finds someone that can deal with the madness. Something tells me he will always be like this, his past was one bad relationship after another. I always asked him why he didn’t get his own place, take care of himself and then he would’nt have to answer to anybody. We had an argument one nite, I said you don’t really love me, you are just using me. He overdosed on pain medication that nite. It was the next morning I took him to the bus station. I treated him badly at times, said terrible things to him, trying to free myself from him. I just need to move on, get used to being alone. It aint so bad. Guess it will take some time. And I will learn from this. Just need to chat with you people occasionally, I hope my lifestyle and storys of gay love dont offend anyone. You all post so eloquently. I seem to ramble on and on and dont make much scince. It does help me though, and hopefully I will need to come here less and less as time goes on. I have this fear though, I fear if he showed up at my door, crying and opologizing I would believe his lies and take him back in. But in reality what I fear the worse is that he will never show up again……
Henry,
Love=love
Your feelings are pretty much “normal” for how we all take the psychopaths—we love them, know them for fakes, still love them, hate them, want them back, want themm to go away, and back and forth back and forth.
YOU gave him CONTROL over your feelings. Note: GAVE him Control, you CAN TAKE IT BACK.
YOU are NOT responsible for his pain in his life, his lack of responsibility, his using others for whatever reason he does it. HE IS RESPONSIBLE. He is not miserable because you dont’ rescue him, he is MISERABLE because of the CHOICES HE MAKES.
YOU are responsible for YOU. Period. End of sentence.
He is not responsible for you, YOU are. You are not responsible for him, HE is.
As long as you “rent him space” in your head he will “live” there and you will be miserable. Believe me Henry, I KNOW. BEEN THERE. DONE THAT, AND HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF TEE SHIRTS to prove it.
HE will NOT change.
You CAN change, but you must ACT on what you know is right. What you know is good. What you know YOU must do in order to heal.
You have already done some of that, in accepting responsibility for ALLOWING it to go on, in feeling remorse for the bad things you did and said.
His OD-ing is not your responsibility, or your fault. He made that decision, and “suicide gestures” is a common thing for BPDs, to get pity and sympathy. Sometimes they actually DO commit suicide as a way to “punish” those that love them.
It is not my responsibility to give someone else a reason to live. It is not my responsibility to allow someone else to abuse me. It is not my responsibility to provide someone else with the necessities of life while they abuse me, have sex with others, act out, and generally live a miserable life and make mine miserable.
Setting boundaries for the kind of behavior that you will tolerate from ANYONE *(and I realize that boundaries vary from person to person–like you would “do more” for your child than you would for a stranger etc) but the bottom line is that you should NOT TOLERATE disrespect or abuse from anyone, even your child. If they are not willing to abide by human decensy, honesty, respect, etc. then what do you need that person in your life for? To make you miserable?
I finally got the back bone and good sense to NO CONTACT my P-son, and my Psychopath-by-proxy mother who is a toxic enabler—does it matter if these people who abused me gave birth to me, or I gave birth to them, or if they were lovers or strangers? Should I tolerate bad behavior from ANYONE, not matter WHAT the relationship or how “pitiful” and dysfunctional and miserable they are? NO NO NO!
The ONLY person in the world that you should tolerate that kind of thing from is a person who is mentally retarded or otherwise handicapped, and then you should do what you have to do to LIMIT the damage they can do. If your mother was senile, didn’t know night from day, she might say some pretty unkind things to you, and you would let them go in one ear and out the other because you would realize it was “her” talking but her diseased and worn out brain…but if she did or said those things when she was fully functional, you would not tolerate them for one second, or you shouldn’t in my opinion.
A healthy relationship is built on respect and trust. If you have neither of these things with him, you have NO healthy relationship. You can’t save him from himself. ONLY he can do that. YOU should concentrate on saving HENRY. Henry doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. Would you let someone else treat your child or your friend the way the guy treated you? Of course not, you would give them the same advice I am giving you. STOP the abuse, and then be KIND to Henry, be GOOD to Henry, and help Henry heal. Your X isn’t going to heal, he isn’t going to change, but you can and you ARE working your way thorugh it. Give yourself credit for the STRENGTH you have and don’t GIVE it away to someone who does not deserve your trust or love. ((hugs)))
For everyone out there … look at it this way. We (those that took righteous roads in life) assume everyone else took righteous roads in life. We take it for granted that everyone grew in confidence as we worked through every situation in our life by taking the righteous roads in life. So be gentle with your healing … focus on God’s love to get you through licking your wounds.
It comes down to if you really took a righteous road or didn’t take a righteous road. Everyone can talk and say whatever they want, we all communicate. So if someone says, yes, I really studied for that exam and that’s why I ACED it. We naturally just believe the other person what they tell us. When in fact, that person could have cheated on the exam, made a deal with the teacher, paid someone else to take their exam … whatever the reason they did not take the righteous path to get to that level. This goes for every one in life, one step at a time, step by step to get where you want.
Seriously look around you. How many people do you know are at a level where they really didn’t do the work to be at that level? How many people cut corners in their life and jumped over others to get what they wanted? How many people bribed others to get what they wanted? Then when they got what they wanted … they couldn’t focus and do their best because deep down inside they are insecure and haven’t acquired the wisdom (tools in their toolbelt). Hence, the smoke screen … the ego comes out and everyone around them is focusing on this ego creature instead of what should be coming out of that person from the love that they focus on to do their job? That person didn’t do the work step by step to get to the position they hold. So it’s crazy time that comes from that position and the person that holds that position is smoke screening everyone around them so no one can see through the smoke screen. That’s what SDs learn how to live, by smoke screening everyone. Put you attention on that person or that event or that situation … do not look at me. Something simple (usually is) makes the SD run. That’s why you are left in pain and take forever to figure it out.
Peace everyone. Be kind to yourself. You’ll get to the compassion level again.
Dear Wini, I see that you are coming from a compassionate place and in some ways that is the ideal. I recognised much of what you describe and my exN regarded me almost like an angel of mercy, in coming into his life. But I did everything possible, was patient, invited him with great compassion to share his thoughts rather than build up walls – was always available and indeed pleaded with him at times to talk so that we could as a couple work on his difficulties. I could see that his escalating behaviour was tearing at the foundation of our relationship, but his sub personalities were so strong, that he was like a puppet. I chose to court him at the stage and to stand firm and supportive in the face of danger. Wini I came out of this betrayed, hurt and physically exhausted, which I am sure contributed to me having breast cancer. He had patience, love, compassion, care, concern in abundance and he twisted that. I was too much for him anyway, he could never understand my level of thinking. But when it came to manipulation he was much more clever than me.
Oh by the way Wini, I bought the book today, that you recommended ‘A New Earth’. I am always open to exploring things in different facets, and although I have spent a great deal of my life following spiritual knowledge, I am always eager to close the gaps in my knowledge.
Dear Beverly, your ex came to you for reasons only God knows. It was your light of what you did and learned as you went down the righteous paths in life that he was attracted to. You can never get another to feel what you feel, know what you know, see how you view things. You can only share yourself with others – you can never give yourself over to another. They don’t know exactly what is broken in them but they no something isn’t quit right. SDs want an instant fix to what they know is broken. Hence why they gravitate to people in the light. There is no instant fix … that’s why God has us all go through steps. Step by step to get to where we want to go. Because SDs started off going down unrighteous paths in their young life (not doing the step by step) … they learned to cut corners. In God’s view there is no corners to cut. He lays it out step by step for us all to take. Remember where our society is today. Instant gratification. Instant this instant that. There is no such thing as instant … anything. Be kind to yourself. Your ex chose you because of your light. When we work through the pain and chaos SDs cause in our lives … when we give it over to God … trust God … ask God for guidance … God will work us through the maze of pain to get our footing back on solid ground. SDs can get a solid foundation too … they have to take the first step. That’s the difficult part. They have to slow down long enough to work through the steps. That’s why they should be ordered by the courts to be home confined, so they can go silent, read their Bibles (to gain wisdom), take deep breaths, reflect. Step by step. This is what our prisons were originally meant to be. Send people to prison to read their Bibles and reflect on their infractions in life and their lives in general. Step by step. But then, everyone’s ego created our world as it is today.
Dear Wini, I hear and respect what you say. Having come from a highly dysfunctional family myself and having had my share of ego walls I have built, I felt at the time, that because my ex and I had this in common, that I could share with him, some of the paths I have taken in order to right myself. I told him I believed in God and he returned absolutely everything I gave him, including articles and books, saying he sorts his own problems – hence the problem! He kept telling me I had let us both down and yet to the point of exhaustion I was supporting him and committed to him all the way, until I realised he was pulling me down. I said to him at the start that I wanted to take him from the dark to share my technicolour world – a world not special, but more wholesome. He kept saying to me ‘You lead and I will follow’ but as soon as my eyes were not on him, he was up to all sorts of mischief.
Dear Beverly,
While I have NO doubt that your motives were caring, giving and loving toward your X P, the Bible also cautions us to realize that if we “wash a sow” (hog) they will return to their mire.
There are just some people (many people in fact) that the more that you try to “wash” them, the more they fight to get back to their mire and wallow in the mud. There were times until my oldest son became a teenager that I thought he was one of those people! ha ha He was really a dirty kid.
Seriously though, on the one hand, your X was SAYING “lead and I will follow” but his BEHAVIOR said “I want back in my mire” The old saying “ACTIONS speak louder than words” is something we all know, and everyone has heard, but I think sometimes we don’t pay enough attention to these “old sayings”–they ARE old sayings because they are TRUE!
My P-son’s words most of the time were “wonderful” just what I wanted to hear, but his behavior was the opposite. He quoted philosophy like a monk, but he didn’t know what it meant.
Your X giving back all the articles and books and saying “I sort my own problems” was TELLING you by his behavior that he didn’t WANT to walk in the light, he didn’t WANT to be clean and healthy, he WANTED to be in the dark mud of the mire, because that was what his nature was, his choice—yet, he still wanted a servant to be there to “support” him as he lay neck deep in the “mud.”
The wonderful realization though, BEv, is that YOU are not without empathy or a conscience, and you have chosen the “righteous” path to being a good person, a caring person.
I would rather be “fooled” every day by a P than to BE one.
Beverly, you are going to love Tolle’s book. He reminds me of a professor I had for calculus. There were 24 of us in this man’s class during the summer session. We just got out of taking a intro to the fear of Algebra, for those of us who had a fear of math, for whatever reason. After Algebra, we all jumped into this professor’s calc class. The first night the professor spoke to me after the 2nd student he worked with. I was 3rd in line, he kept talking and every time he spoke he came from a different direction of teaching … he kept talking to me until he saw the light bulb go off in my eyes. As soon as I got it, he moved on to the next student. He did the same thing, he kept teaching from this direction and that direction, then over from another direction … until the light bulb went on in the student’s eyes. Then he moved to the next student … and so on and so forth. 24 students in his class, 24 different ways this man taught each of us calculus. Well, that’s how Tolle is teaching us … we are all individuals and we will get whatever it is out of this book. He tells you to read the book cover to cover. Absorb as much as you can during the first reading… then put the book down, pick it up again a week later, a month later … he doesn’t care how long it takes you to pick the book up and read it again. Each time you read it, the more information will come out of the page. It’s the same thing God does for us … when we are ready, we will see it or we will hear it, or we will feel it.
Enjoy the book. It’s is an incredible read. After you read Tolle’s book, go onto Oprah.com and download Tolle’s discussions about his book. There are others discussions about the book, so you can download them too. It is the most incredible experience any one can do for themselves. After you absorb Tolle, go back to reading your Bible. The words and the meaning come jumping out of the page at you. This is an incredible experience too.
That’s why God is forgiven us too, for we know NOT what we do when we get tangled up with an SD … the pain, the frustration, the fear, the hopelessness .. the this, the that. We always had it … it just got misplaced for a while. That’s why we should send out love, compassion, peace and all God’s qualities to everyone at anytime, any where … because we never know what anyone else is going through. Only God knows what is in your heart when you do any thing.
Get back to me after you read Tolle. I bet you will have a smile on your face and peace in your heart.
Beverly, I forgot to tell you. All SDs are afraid. It’s their fear that makes them flee. To where? God only knows. As a human … they flee from one person to another … from state to state. Never finding what they are looking for … because they don’t realize (take the time to go silent, be still,and reflect) what they are looking for was inside of them from the beginning. It always has been there … they just don’t realize it. Our grandparents and their parents knew this in their day. They would find time at the end of their day, to sit, be silent, be still, and think about what the day was all about. Our society got caught up in a whirl wind and we are going, going, going all the time. To where? It’s not the end of the journey we crave … it’s in getting there. We’ve got it all backwards.
Peace, love, and all God’s good qualities to everyone.