Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Thanks Wini, Ive listened to two of the webcasts and after going to the library to find a huge list of people waiting to get the book, I went and bought it. I already know it is an incredible book and I have had some realisations without even reading it.
I used to have a Stanley Clark album ‘Journey to Love’ – it is a journey for us all with those ‘surface dwellers’ being the common denominator!!
Beverly, I love Tolle’s description of anti-socials … he calls them “obnoxious” LOL. I call them SDs … because to me, they only skim the surface of life … where as people who took righteous paths in life become deep … learning lessons (wisdom), building our foundations … and the rest of the tools that we acquire.
I love listening to the man … he’s soothing to the spirit. I hope everyone on this blog gets the opportunity to read and hear him.
The new summer class starts this coming Monday, June 16th. My computer is a borrowed one with windows ’98 … so I couldn’t participate in the Monday night classes due to not having the updated capabilities. I downloaded the taped sessions the following Tuesday. Go through the notebooks, that is intense too. It’s nice to do something special for ourselves. That’s what’s so incredible about everything he writes … it’s individual for each and every one of us. No pressure, no prestige, no prep work … all at your own pace. I love it. I could listen to this guy any time, any where.
I was just thinking (yes, some times this brain of mine does work) … what if adults in positions of overseeing our children reported a child without ramifications to that child (NO negative tag attached to their toe) and caretakers from every branch reached out to assist the development of this child … ensuring the child took the righteous path(s) … even when the child resists to step foot on that path … the adult(s) would NOT budge and let the child get their way, because the adult knows the end results of what happens to children that never (or almost never) take righteous paths in life. What if this became a natural way of all care taking adults approach the children of the world. No more passing children from grade to grade just to get them out of their classes. No more teachers having to being high paid baby sitters. No more negative labels on those we throw into juvenile halls (then prisons) … We should call them “silent palaces” or something else positive. Oh, so-and-so had to go to silent class for the summer. Or, so and so is in “silence” for the next two years, 10 years, etc. Sounds much nicer. No labeling … just getting the person to go silent, be still, reflect … heal … work through whatever is causing them pain … do their silence, get out … and on with their lives.
Dear OxyD. Yes, some people will always return to THEIR lower self (their shadow side) and that is why I have learnt through this, that in relationships to allow this side to emerge before deciding whether to invest. I have a friend who is very religious (I have mentioned her before) and all her work is in helping people. She married one of her clients an ex alcoholic and during the wedding she said she had a ‘sinking feeling’ because she felt she was making a mistake, but went through it. He was ok for a few years and then his shadow side came out and he has reeked havoc in their lives. She is a very kind person and set up for him to rent a beautiful cottage so they could live apart. He prepared an open fire without a safety guard and went to the pub. In short the house burnt down and the insurance wont pay because of his negligence. People on God’s path have a compassion to want to give – of course the lesson is that we have to know ‘who’ we are giving to.
I think OxyD that a part of him wanted to live in light, but a big part of him was afraid to unleash his ‘demons’, his pain and so it controls him.
BEv,
Sometimes I think that some of the Ps (at least) know that we have “something” they don’t have (the light, the ability to love, connect) and they aren’t sure what it is that we have, but they know it is SOMETHING they would LIKE to have because it makes us happy…but not getting it, they become angry and vengeful because we “couldn’t give it to them”—like the story jesus told about the hogs not appreciating the pearls, tromping them into the mud, and then tearing at the people who offered them the pearls. When we offer them LOVE they are unable to appreciate it, tromp it into the mud, become enraged and tear at us in hatred.
I realize that story was told to the disciples about preaching God’s word to people who don’t want to hear it, but I think it applies to anyone you offer a “good gift” to and they don’t appreciate it. Preaching to someone who is not willing to hear is futile, and trying to love someone who can’t love is also futile. Either way, it ends up making them mad at you.
I’m sorry for your friend’s pain and problems. She sounds like a very loving person.
Henry,
Just wanted to give my advice about sending your ex-P the traits of a psychopath, etc… don’t send it! Just like OxD and others said. I have done this. I spent so much time and effort getting it just right to give to him. I thought surely when he reads this, he will get it, he will feel remorse, he will write me back and apologize, etc. This is only “malignant hope”. I did this a few times – sent him things, waited for a response. I got absolutely nothing. I asked him if he read what I gave him… he said, “no, I’m not ready yet”. The reality is, he read the first few lines, and tossed it. This is what he did whenever he received things from his mother throughout the years. He sees no reason to change how he lives his life… it works for him, “why should I change?” he says.
Like OxD said, “preaching to someone who is not willing to hear is futile”.
thanks Almost Free and OX, you are both right. He would just read the the first line and toss it. I did give him an opportunity for a good life, and like ox says, I think he missed the (mud). He worked nite’s and I worked days, I have been staying home a few (days) here lately, over the past week three men have showed up looking for him. I get a sick feeling thinking of who was in my house, my bed, while I was working. It is just more validation of what he is. One reason I never sent the letter is because I don’t want to antagonize him in any way. One of his threat’s to me in the past was (I will rock your world) if I did this or that (anything he percieved as a threat or abandoment.) I did meet a guy recently that understand’s living with a S. he said he was a prisoner in his own home, the story’s he tell’s are so similar to mine. He said he was lucky to get out of the relationship alive. The P in his life is now in prison. I am doing better thanks to this web site. I wanted him out of my life and am glad he is gone, but learning about him and his mental illness give’s me chill’s and I still sleep with one eye open, was it Scott Peterson that killed his wife and unborn child? What a nitemare that was for Laci. We come to this site for a reason, it is to be understood and validated. I have read Tolle’s book (a new earth) is is good but hard for me to stay focused, I would much rather read anynthing that (oxdrover) write’s she is my hero………
Thank you Henry, I don’t think I’ve ever been anyone’s “hero” before! If what I write can help you I am so glad, though! Feelling ALONE in all this is one of to me the WORST things. To have “everyone else” either think you are crazy or should “just GET OVER IT!” is so invalidating to what you have felt, been through, your pain. Believe me being “used” is so much more painful at least for me than having my husband die in an accident, which was VERY painful, because I at least KNEW he loved me, knew he didn’t do it to hurt me…when my X-BF P was lying to me, using me, and I finally saw it, I felt worse than the loss of my husband. Fortunately it didn’t last as long, but it was surely intense while it did.
My husband never de-valued me, the BF did. My husband never scorned me, the BF did. My husband never talked to me like he would have the neighbor’s dog if it tore up our trash, the BF did. My husband was one of the most brilliant men I ever knew, but if I showed him I was right and he was wrong about something, he was GLAD to LEARN. The BF “had to be right” or he felt insulted–even about my field of work. It wasn’t about learning, it was about “being superior” and making the other person feel “little” or “inferior.” My husband didn’t brag about how smart he was, but after a short association they observed and SAW. the BF was always bragging about how smart he was and belittling you if you didn’t know some obscure “fact” related to his line of work that you had never encountered before. I’m just grateful that I didn’t marry the jerk BF because it would have been a terrible mistake, but OH, I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM SO MUCH because I was SO NEEDY At the time that first year after my husband died.
It’s difficult to find the “right” partner and it is nice when you can, but you know, I would a whole lot more like to live a peaceful life by myself without a partner than to be MISERABLE with a wrong one. I’m no longer “needy”–I’m OK, and you will be too.
Hi everyone ! I have been reading every post on here every night this past week ! I was fine .. but I AM ANGRY !! ANGRY !! I WANT TO KICK HIM, I WANT TO SLAP HIS FACE, there are so many things I think of .. I try to eliminate him from my head and it works sometimes.. but STILL.. he occupies my mind almost 100% of the time.. I dont feel I can rest … the HORRIBLE THING is that if i retaliate, send him a message, TELL HIM HE IS A C … T .. TELL HIM , SHOW HIM, THERE IS NO POINT, I have so much unresolved anger. Can somebody tell me how I can deal with this ? I have thought of taking anti-depressants.. its the last resort, as I can’t see any way out ! I dont eat, sleep and smoke… I am shaking all over with ANGER. God… how I want him to hurt, and I know there IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HIM TO HURT HIM , ITS A CATCH 22 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know i am being stupid giving him time, BUT ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY .. help …. give me some strategies please …. hugssss to all. thank you for listening.
rriinnaa…if you have been reading all the post here you have read mine. I don’t have any words of wisdom but I do understand how you feel all to well. A good friend of mine that I had been confiding in about my (Drama) over the past few years with my ex, pointed her finger at me and said he is a sociopath, well I have heard that word all my life but I came home and googled (sociopath) and he fit every trait to a T. That is the moment I went numb, finally I understood (I) was not crazy. And that is when I found this place. As Oxdrover says (read and learn) I suggest LEARNING FROM MADNESS by richard skerrit. read everything you can on the internet. We found this place for a reason. It is going to be a long slow painfull process for me to accept that I LET someone manipulate me, lie to me, still my dream’s and hopes. But you know , he is a parasite, he is evil, he is sick. We have to move on, let go of the nitemare, what choice do we have? Let’s get strong, get our health back, our dignity. We know why THEY did what they do, I have learned all I need to know about THEM. I need to change my focus and learn why I let this happen, or learn not to let it happen again. They will live a empty life and die alone and confused and all used up. I on the other hand have so much to live for, I have alot of people depending on me to recover from this. They don’t understand why I am so upset, why I have lost twenty pounds. But I understand, I have to get better, I even thot of anti depressant’s, but I want a clear mind so I can deal with this rationally. I am better, I can eat now, sleepin better, workin better. But it hurt’s every minute of every day but I am better, so hang in there, get some sleep, take care of yourself and maybe someday soon we will wake up and HE won’t be the first thing on our mind. I am gettin better, post here, I read every post every day, I feel your pain. But we have everything to gain from this recovery, they will just continue f–kin up their live’s and everyone that is in their path……