Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
rriinnaa,
I learned to accept the Bad Man’s behavior as something he does because he is disordered.
I realized that although his behavior hurt me terribly, it had nothing to do with me. I didn’t earn it, deserve, cause it, etc.
I also realized that any revenge I might seek through direct contact with him puts me at risk for further psychological harm, emotional trauma, and just plain BAD DAYS.
Over a year ago, I was the woman driving down the road having imaginary heated arguements with the air… the air representing him because it was never safe to say what I really thought to him in person. Now, I am the woman driving down the road that is peaceful.. going about my life.. thankful that he is gone and in the passenger seat is nothing but air.
Let go of getting revenge and know that any revenge you will get will be by sitting back and letting the universe take care of him. It won’t be directly from you unless you are willing to bleed more, lose more, suffer more, over this BAD MAN.
If you feel you can’t drop the anger.. try dropping a piece of it.. or give yourself a certain amount of time in the day to be outraged…. like an hour or maybe 5 minutes. Create a meditation to help you let go.. something like: He did what he did because that is what a Sociopath does.. it’s not about me. Keep telling this to yourself until you get it.
Moving through the pain is important but moving on from the pain is important too.
Hang in there rriinnaa. Your community here is routing for you!
Aloha…….. E
Henry,
I tried letting the Bad Man know that I thought he had Borderline Personality Disorder and he did EXACTLY what the books said he would do… he said, “No! YOU have Boderline Personality Disorder.”
Yeah… he didn’t really benefit from hearing that. Don’t bother telling a disordered person about their disorder. Experts have a hard time treating these people so why would they listen to us?
Rriinna – Unfortunately there are no short cuts or quick fixes for dealing with anger – it just is. Expressing it here, is good to vent that energy. The anger will eventually burn itself out, but expression is good to allow no residue to remain. The anger can be so strong that we may feel that we want to take action. I think we have all felt like that – but it serves no purpose in the long term – it just needs to be heard. They say hate is the opposite of love, now we are feeling exactly what that means. It is hugely frustrating, and the no contact rule means that we have to sit with a huge pile of anger and violent feelings without resolution. But you can post here to move towards resolution. You could write him a letter (that you will not send) expressing all your feelings in their uncensored form and that will help you. What I wanted to say to my ex was ‘YOU REALLY HURT ME’. What would you say to him if he was standing with you? I think you have expressed some of that, but keep expressing and then you will move on. My thoughts are with you dear Rriinnaa.
RRiinnaa,
The anger must be physically expressed in a safe manner. I recommend that you read “Facing the Fire” by John Lee. Here’s info on the book:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/02/18/releasing-the-pain-inflicted-by-a-sociopath/
(HE) showed up at my door this morning at 8am, I opened the door, not expecting it to be him, he tried to come in, I shut the door and he just stood there on the porch asking me to open the door, I stepped outside and asked what he was doing here, he said I just came to check on you, I said you need to leave, he said he had cancelled the insurance ( he had domestic partnership benifits at his job, something I never wanted to except in the beginning, but finally only 3 months ago I agreed, so I could get (my teeth) fixed, so now I will have to pay 3 grand for that. he asked why I changed my phone numbers, I said you need to leave and he did. I didn’t want to hear about his new life, didnt want to be lied to anymore. I went out back and set on the deck , my little dachshund came with her ball, wanting to play fetch, I said I don’t want to play ball, and started crying, shaking. Am I throwing away my one chance of love? Is it me that has a disorder? Ok am I flaming here? am I blogging too much about this. Dont really need a comment, just had to talk to someone. It’s going to be a rotten day…………………….
Dear Dear Rina,
Most if not all of us here have felt the same angers you are feeling now–it seems part of the healing process, part of the grief process, and the “grief process” is what we are experiencing now—just like we would if someone died—it isn’t a person that died, it is a dream, a fantasy, but it was REAL to us, and finding out it was NOT real to them, makes us grieve and part —a natural part—of grief is ANGER. It is a NATURAL and NORMAL part of an “injury” to our body or our spirit.
Like Donna said, though, it must be experessed in a safe manner. I even felt anger at my husband who died as part of the grief process—I knew he didn’t do it on purpose, and that he didn’t want to “leave me” but he DID. I worked through it as part of my own grief process over his loss. The grief process over my psychopaths in the family was must the same in terms of the feelings, including anger.
Yes, you feel it. It is OK to feel it, but in order for it not to eat you up, you have to “work through” it so that at some point, you can willingly let it go. It takes TIME. How much? As much as it takes. Big losses cause big angers. You had a big loss.
It is frustrating too that we can’t tell them how angry we are and get satisfaction, because they don’t care how angry we are, in fact, they LIKE it, because it proves to them how much they hurt us, and that is a “reward” to them. What a Catch-22.
Buy the book Donna suggested if you can and read it, come here often and post often–this is a safe place to “scream” and “rant” because WE ALL UNDERSTAND, and we all CARE. ((((BIG HUGS))))) and always prayers. Oxy
Henry
Good job!
It had to be hard to be so strong but I really admire your grit.
How sweet that your little dachs-y came to you; you can hug her and cry. She’ll help you.
Dear dear Henry,
First off, NO you are not “losing the one love of your life” you are getting rid of the biggest pain in your life….though right now it may not seem that way.
You did well to tell him to go away. Like the “bad penny” he turned up BECAUSE HE NEEDED SOMETHING FROM YOU. He was NOT there for your benefit. Chances are if he “canceled his insurance” it was because he lost the job and needed some place to say or to hit you up for money. I don’t need a crystal ball, or to be a prophet to tell you he was there for HIM NOT YOU.
They do NOT come back around to “check up on you” or to “help you” they come back around to GET SOMETHING from you—maybe only to see how badly you are hurting, or money, or satisfaction that they have hurt you, but I can GUARENTEE 110% THAT IT WAS NOT FOR YOU—I think every blogger here will agree with me on that. If one disagrees with me I will EAT MY SWEAT STAINED, DIRTY FILTHY RATTY STRAW WORK HAT one straw at a time!
Henry, it takes STRENGTH to do what you did. GOOD FOR YOU! YOU TOOK BACK YOUR POWER. Sure, you still feel some emotions about it, some unsureness, but that too will pass as you become more aware of how powerful and how strong you are.
Look back over the relationship and look at the times he has hurt you, lied to you, taken from you, not cared how much you hurt. Would ANYONE who was even remotely capable of human compassion treat anyone like he treated you? NO, of course not. So you don’t really need me to tell you how much of a lying coniving, uncaring excuse for a human being he is. YOU ALREADY KNOW. Sure, he put on a “good show” some of the time, but even you KNOW that was A FAKE, just to get to you, to get you to give him what HE WANTED, and not give a thing back except the FAKE “love”—it was a hologram, there was nothing substantial or true about it.
Paying to get your own teeth fixed is a small price to pay for having him OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Hang in there Henry!
Please allow me to vent as I’m still not healed as I thought I was.
I was wrong. I lied to myself and all of you by proclaiming that I was healed and strong. Why am I so enamoured with being the uber strong, capable, reselient woman? Why am I so afraid of expressing my deepest pains to anonymous (but truly real) folks on a supportive website? True, the times when I have posted my comments on here, I was feeling somewhat right with the world. But when I was suffering, I’ve suffered in silence. Alone as I have always done for years. I realize I’m never really alone as Jesus is by my side always.
Donna was sooo correct when she stated up above that when you find the long ago, thought buried and done with pain, you “have struck gold”. And that’s where I’ve been for the past 2 weeks. It’s been overwhelming for me to say the least. I alternate between justified fury, to a watershed of tears. I am in shock, literally, from remembering all my past “relationships” with family, supposed friends, and men and the hurt they have inflicted on me. What I’ve been asking myself repeatedly like a broken record is why did I allow myself to be someone’s whipping post? Why did I allow myself to love and care for people who didn’t give a rat’s iota about me and the harm they are causing me? Oh man, this is so frikking hard for me to write. I am an excrutiatingly private, introverted woman and I’ve never, ever wanted to share my grief, my pain with anyone. I have deluded myself into believing that I could handle this, that I can weather any storm put before me with grace and ease. What a laugh! Yes, sometimes I enter the eye of the storm, where I am calm and able to logically and rationally process my role and other’s roles in past involvements. But then I am crushed, pulverized by the returning fury of the storm.
And to top it all off, a woman who I care for, and have cared for over a year revealed her true self to me yesterday. I finally stood up for myself after her subtle verbal jabs and indifference to my very own personal concerns and what did she do? Flat out dismissed my grievances as if she was so much more important than I am, and I’m a bug in her eyes. I was a person she used when she needed help or someone’s shoulder to cry one. I have always been the shoulder to cry on for all the people I’ve either casually, or intimately known. When will someone let ME cry on their shoulder for once? I know I sound so pathetic, so unsure of myself right now, so foolish, but damnit I’m a human being too. And I’m a good, solid, immensely compassionate, loving human being. I don’t ask for favors. I don’t even ask for respect. What I want is basic civility. And until I stand up immediately for myself in wanting to be treated with civility, I will be prey to anyone. I hate thinking I am fodder for predators. I hate it with a passion.
JaneSmith,
You are definitely not alone. I know, for me, I have these moments when I’m just skipping along, thinking that I’ve finally arrived, and suddenly I get this reality check, I stop, and the breath almost leaves me, as I remember why I’m where I am. When I started out all those many years ago, I saw myself going through my life as wife and mother. Then I saw in my mind’s eye my children all leaving home, and my husband and myself finishing what we started. Nothing prepared me for what happened after the I Do.
Even though my husband is older than I, I truly believed when one had responsibilities, one stuck with them until the end. You just don’t stop right in the middle. That’s what happened to me and I just can’t seem to get past that point at times. I had to make a life for me and it’s not really what I wanted. I wanted to finish what we started, but I have realized there never was a we. It was he. His life, his money, his time, his future, etc. I was left out, and begrudged what I did get, but I was sure good enough for sex. I stood by helplessly as my children embarked on their life’s journey and the husband went off to enjoy his retirement, and I was like the cheese that stood alone. No one cared and that’s when it struck me, that I was all I had. I was a slave to everyone else, but left me out. I had time for all the rest, but me.
I don’t say that with selfishness. But it made me realize that sometimes we are in a prison, not made with hands. I see two kinds of people as I go through life. Those who prey and those who are preyed upon. And when it comes down to it, I’d still rather be prey than to prey. I can at least throw myself on God’s mercy. Those who victimize, have to explain and give an account for why they want to hurt those who only want to love them. It all seems so imbalanced, but being the hurt one, I know how to take those hurts to God to process them. I’ve learned more about human nature than ever before. But it frustrates me that all my dreams for me were for nothing. I don’t know as I dream anymore. I think I’ll just let life happen as it will, knowing that God knows my beginning from my end and all that’s in between. I’d much lean on His understanding than putting my life in the hands of someone who only has his interest at heart.