Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Apt/Mgr,
I know I’m not alone as time & time again, by reading the sad, heartbreaking experiences of you and all the lovely folk on this website, that I suffer as you suffer. Together in cyberspace, yet alone outside in the big ole world. But I guess that we need to spend some time alone to figure out what the heck happened then and now, and how to recover.
To spend as many years as you have with a man who was only consumed with his selfish hunger, must be a tremendous burden to carry sometimes. So much much betrayal, so much deceit and insensitivity directed to you from him. All those many years, a big part of your life actually, spent being devalued is almost too much for me to imagine.
I have discovered through the endless parade of past, painful memories, that I was most likely involved with at least 4 Ps/Ns/Ss/Bpds in the past 15 years. That’s not even counting family members and supposed friends. I just want to scream my head off as this highly disturbing realization is swirling around in my head!
No, it’s not ripping me completely apart as I come to terms with this heinous discovery. Yes, it bleeding hurts tremendously as I confront, adjust to the reality of every single past ultimate betrayal, vicious manipulations/deceptions perpetrated towards me! They weren’t the LEAST bit kind, the LEAST bit caring, the LEAST bit loving and it really pisses me off!
Thank you for responding to me. It DOES help alot.
DEar Jane,
Yes, I think many of us know your pain. And those old, not really dealt with pains that we have hidden away, trying to PRETEND we had weathered, when we got the latest one “healed” they start to rear their ugly heads—mine was my family of origin and the truly DYSFUNCTIONAL CRAP that they were—and all the while PRETENDING TO BE “A Nice Normal Family” while underneath this fascade it was a SNAKE PIT…it was only when I finally recognized just how EVIL the enabling behavior of my “sainted” mother was, that I fully grasped that I would have to CHANGE ME, get over the early “training” I had received, and CHANGE MY WHOLE OUTLOOK ON LIFE, turn my world UPSIDE DOWN, shake out the crap and keep the good parts—let the chips fall where they may. GET REAL and stop the delusions I had lived with my whole 60+ years.
I think I am about to the healing place, yet there are still so many things I want to work on myself for, but I DO THINK I AM GETTING THERE—and maybe there will be something trigger me tomorrow and I may be back in the pits again, but for now, I do think I am doing better. Last week I found out that the Trojan Horse P had sabotaged about $25,000 worth of equipment here at the farm (did it before last August but I only recently found out) and for one day I was ANGRY and in the PITS, but by the next day I was feeling much better. If that knowledge had come to me last year, heck I would have been in a FUNK, a BLUE and PURPLE one that would have lasted weeks or months. So, even bad things are not effecting me like they did, not sending me over the edge so much any more.
I’m stronger now, ….NO, take that back, ……I’m not actually stronger, I am just RECOGNIZING MY OWN STRENGTH MORE, and am USING my strength more, depending on myself more, taking care of what I can change, and letting the things out of my control slide more.
The “past” monsters that I had buried because I didn’t want to face them reared their UGLY heads, but I faced them down too, and one of my monsters was that I like you stated, wanted the world to see me as a super-woman who could face anything down and win. But you know, I don’t have to be super-woman to be worth while. I can BE VULNERABLE, I can be HUMAN and still be wonderful. I don’t have to spend my energy keeping up a “front” of not letting things hurt me, of giving and giving and never expecting reciprosity in return.
I don’t have to be any one’s patsy. I don’t have to allow someone else to use me in order to be accepted. I don’t have to have others validate my worth–I CAN VALIDATE MY OWN WORTH. Even if everyone in the world thinks my Ps are ANGELS and think I am a DEVIL—does that make it TRUE? NO, the truth is true, and the false is false, even if I am the ONLY one of God’s creatures that sees it. TRUTH is not defined by “majority vote”—there was a time when the world was thought by “everyone” to be flat, and if you didn’t agree with that, it could get you burned at the stake. But that didn’t change the shape of the world.
I am a worthy person, if only in God’s eyes…and my own, because the truth doesn’t change because no one but me sees it.
As I ponder these mysteries of life and wonder what happened to traditional values, I know that some really do have them. My 3 children do and if I had to go through a fire of sorts for them to have what they have, it was worth it. And as I put into perspective my own life, I listen and watch the news and compare what I’m going through with the horrible natural disasters all over the world,I know I’m going to make it. Not to diminish anyone’s pain, mine included, but I’m (we’re) still here. The old saying, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, is so true.
I think of the parents who have lost children in the wars, senseless killings, babies being thrown away before they see the light of day, on and on, I realize that even though my dreams for me personally didn’t come to fruition, I’m still here. Had all those who had meaning in my life suddenly been swept away in a flood or fire and I was left, I’d have to figure it out. I can say that now that the bulk of the tears have dried and the disillusionment is fading. Granted I hurt, but if the one involved didn’t feel something, there’s not much sense in my holding on to my feelings when there’s nothing left. It was me taking someone at their word and all I ever wanted was for him to mean what he said. When he said I financially ruined him, he finally spoke truth and the anger left him. He carried that for 30 years.
I tried to get him to see that I wouldn’t consider having a family, building a house, having a life, a financial ruin. But my concept of life differs greatly from most, but it works for me and I see how my children do life, and they are thriving. That wasn’t a ruin. That was and is an investment.
All of you have such powerful and inspirational life stories, I can’t imagine being married a life time to someone like this. Your stories of survival and indurance make mine seem so trivial. I come here to vent and whine. But I do read every blog and gain something from all of you. I admire you women and men that have put things into perspective, moved on and found peace. But I still here the pain, I guess some of you will carry it a life time. But the fact that you have found some joy, some understanding give’s me hope. I loved him to the limit’s of my self respect, I have to let him go. There is nothing to gain from him, i will only lose what little self respect I have left. Tomorrow is father’s day, my two son’s will be here with their family’s, they don’t know the struggle I am dealing with and I will never tell them…..thanks too all of you lovely ladies
Dear Apt/Mgr, his idea of “success” is obviously not yours, to his detriment I think.
One of my great grandfather’s friends invested his money in land, land and more land, and my great grandfather invested his in the educations of his sons (3 of them to medical school) he said to one of his sons later, “So-and-so invested his money in land, I am investing mine in my sons, we will see you makes the bigger success.”
We all “invest” our time and our money in things that we consider worthwhile. Some people spend all their time working to make more money and spend little if any time with their chldren, instead, buying the kids everything that they want. I’ve never seen that “investment” work out well.
Other people make a living, but invest the rest of their time in spending time with their children, which has a much better chance I think in building good solid relationships with the children.
Right now, I am investing my time in ME—I’ve never done enough of that, because I didn’t think (obviously) that I was important enough to invest in myself FIRST—it always seemed that there was someone else more entitled to my time than ME–now it is time for me to invest in myself first and foremost. I DO DESERVE IT.
When your kids are small they deserve you get up with them at night no matter how little sleep you have had, you brought them into the world and you OWE them to take care of them. Take care of their needs FIRST. But when others who should be responsible for themselves demand that you take care of their needs and desires rather than your own, you are NOT obligated to do so. I felt obligated to take care of them first. NO more. Those demands were made not out of love, but out of selfishness by others. People who LOVE me wouldn’t treat me like that and expect me to give them everything and keep nothing for myself. So, if those people don’t love me, why do I OWE them anything?
Unless you are an infant, paddle or get out of my canoe.
Dear OxDrover,
Right on! That was my complaint over the years, but I never voiced it. For some reason I just kept taking a back seat, like I wasn’t deserving. I realize now I was made to feel undeserving and I allowed others to validate me, and for some reason they found me lacking. So I kept trying harder to please. No wonder I was exhausted.
It wasn’t my children who took from me. It was my husband and his family. My daughter summed it up when she said they are clannish. They just can’t accept outsiders. I was one. I wasn’t there at the inception of their family and I was the youngest of them. But it took my children to remind me that they can’t tear me down again. I’m free of all of that. And now it is my turn. I can do what I want to do. I backed away from all of them just to see who was doing what. I never even got a phone call, wondering what happened. They didn’t care. That showed me I didn’t need to try anymore. I did what I had to do for my children, and tried to get my husband to see that I do have some worth. To no avail. I quit on that score too. He didn’t let any grass grow under his feet, but neither have I. I lost the guilt.
I think I was hoping to hear him say that he was wrong about a lot of things. That’s why I wrote him the letter. We never could talk. Especially after the first couple years of marriage. I couldn’t confide my hurts in him, as he was the one hurting me, but couldn’t even see that. What a mixed up life I had as far as a man/woman relationship is concerned. And if I have to do everything for myself, what do I need a man for?
Since I backed away, he doesn’t approach me as his mother like he used to. I felt for so long like he was a little boy showing me his “boo-boo”. He doesn’t do that anymore. I think he’s finally figured he pushed me too far and I’m not coming back. All he ever had to do was own his portion and I could have gone back completely. But he just said he didn’t know where I came up with all that stuff I wrote in the letter. He said I must have convinced myself. Unless they can see themselves as others do, there’s not much hope in opening their eyes. So now it’s each man/woman for their self. I’ll mother babies but not grown men.
Some days I am getting to the joyous part, and that is wonderful.
The old saying “it is an ill wind which blows no one good” is so true.
This past almost two years has been one filled with frustration, fear, lies, inseurity, failure, rage, anger, wrath, and every other emotion you can imagine EXCEPT joy!
Today my son D and I sat down (he was only home from his job for the day) and we talked and talked and talked. So openly and freely about our thoughts, our fears etc. What we had learned and how things are going so much better now.
I had made some decisions to set some pretty solid boundaries with some people my son D and I both love very much. D has always had difficulty setting boundaries for the man of this couple because he has (since childhood) looked up to this man so very much, but right now, this man is NOT doing for himself what he can do, and I refused to continue to turn my “helping hand” into an enabling one, and it didn’t work, so for now (at least) they have had to leave our lives.
I was so worried that my son would not see the “rightness” in setting the boundaries and in enforcing them because it made our friend pretty upset (though there was actually not the expected outburst I had feared) but I was so gratified that my son D has seen what enabling does, and knew that I wanted to HELP these people, but could not help them against their will. The responsibility for them was upon themselves, and I didn’t take them to raise.
I think before all this P-crap came out D might not have seen the importance for me AND our friends for me to set boundaries and NOT feel guilty when they didn’t respect them. That the consequences of them not trying to help themselves resulted in me withdrawing from trying to help them. No matter how entitled they feel to me enabling them, I REFUSE to do it–even if my son hadn’t understood, I would have refused, but it is so gratifying for him to SEE the differences between enabling and helping….and agree 100% with me.
Energy, time, resources of all kinds are FINITE—no one has unlimited resources of all kinds–or any kind really—so if we GIVE AWAY to others EVERYTHING and save nothing for ourselves it is a kind of “suicide.”
I can see in a starvation situation where you might give all your food to your children knowing that you might die that they might live, but I can see other situations where to give it ALL to them, and leave them without a mother’s protection might be more dangerous than them being hungry and you keeping some of the food for yourself.
The Good Lord gave us brains and I think HE intends us to use them for the greater good–for others AND for ourselves.
It isn’t unusual at all that if you have enabled someone, or they have interpreted your attempt at helping them as taking over their responsibilities that when you STOP and set boundaries that they will become angry at you and the relationship will end. They have decided for whatever reason that you OWE them caregiving.
If you continue the enabling, and they make no effort to help themselves, you WILL become naturally resentful at their failure to do for themselves what they can and should do.
It is a lose-lose situation and will always cause resentment, and usually both ways from the enabled to the enabler and from the enabler back to the enabled.
The ONLY way to settle the situation is to set and enforce boundaries and not take on as a responsiblity some one else’s problems that they should do for themselves.
Coming to the place where I can do that without feeling “guilty” or that I “caused” the problem—or that I SHOULD fix it even though I didn’t cause it—has been a GIANT step. (pat pat pat) That is the sound of me patting myself on the back for taking a step in a positive direction, and CLAP CLAP CLAP is me clapping for my son D who has learned this lesson well during this awful time in our lives.
So there has been some GOOD come out of all this not just pain. For that I am grateful to God.
OX I am feeling FREE, the P was taking up my SPACE, my OXYGEN………OX IF I WAS STRAIGHT i WOULD MARRY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………..i AM GOING TO BE OK YA’LL……………………..GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel much better than I did earlier. It was a beautiful day here and it’s going to be a lovely, cool evening. I took my daily constitutional to eleviate my anger energy and once those blessed endorphins kicked in, I felt Mahvelous…haha.
And I totally agree with you Apt/Mgr. We have it so much better than millions of folks in the world, and whenever I stop and ponder this very real fact, I come down to earth, take a deep breath and focus on how very blessed I really am. I just wanted to vent earlier. I didn’t expect anyone else to respond but thank you & Oxy for listening. *hug*
And, Henry, I’ve ascertained from your writing that you’re a sweet guy with a big, kind heart. Welcome to the gang, kid!! Glad you could join!…haha. Have a wonderful Father’s day tomorrow with your family. That’s what it’s all about, you know? Spending precious time with loved ones.
Peace
Ah, geee whiz, Henry, how come it is always the tall dark and handsome and GAY guys that fall iin love with me! Sigh!!! LOL But heck, it’s the best offer I’ve had since I kicked the psychopathic BF to the curb! ha ha LOL
Thanks, you made my day even better! I’m glad you are feeling better and it DOES get better!
Jane, glad you are feeling better too. EXERCISE does do wonders for our emotional health. With my strength coming back from the bout with the tick fever last summer (on top of everything else! LOL) I’m getting now to where I actually put in 8 hours of manual labor here the other day in one day! It took 12 hours (with some rest inbetween) but I actually DID it! I’m not quite back to my Energizer Bunny run-in-high-gear mode, but I AM getting better and stronger physically too.
Even accomplishing enough stuff to look back at the end of the day and say, “WOW! I did do something today!”
Have a happy father’s day Henry!