Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
It has been nearly 3 years since my experience with a sociopath, he did to me what they do to all there victims, he broke me down, stole all my joy, and left me broke. I remember struggling for along time on how to explain what had happened, I would say to myself he was a scammer, a hustler but I knew there was more, I just could not figure out how to label him. That was until I found this site a year and a half ago it was new years eve, and I began reading the articles and not only did a few things ring true to me but everything everyone says hits home even to this day I relate to everyones pain, and there stories, it is unbelievable the damage they cause. I am happy to say I finally began to heal, and I am in a new relationship with a good man, but still my past haunts me, sometimes I feel that everything is a lie but I know it is not, I feel insecure that he will just walk away someday and never say goodbye. How do I get past this, can I or is that trust and security I once had forever gone.
Dear SS,
Quote: “how do I get past this, an I or is that trust and security I once had forever gone.”
For me, it was gaining the knowledge about MYSELF and my own strength and believe in myself that I WOULD NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. I would never again trust indiscriminantly, that I would HONOR the RED FLAGS when I saw them, not discount them or explain the away with some excuse.
Trust in a person grows slowly (if you are wise) you observe them, see if they do what they say they do or not, how do they behave in different situations? Is it consistent?
How are they with other people? Do they play well with others, do they respect others? etc.
Read and learn more about red flags so that you are more able to notice them. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them if need be. Build up confidence in YOURSELF to protect you from the Psychopaths of this world. When your confidence in YOURSELF returns, I think that you will again be able to trust. TRUSTING OURSELVES to make good choices, wise choices, and not depending on others to provide our happiness, knowing that if the person we love most in the world dies or leaves, we will and can STILL GO ON.
Good Morning Ya’ll, Oxy you give such good advice and words of wisdom. When I first came to this website I thought you were the blog therapist, and for me you are. Despite your own horrible life experience’s you are always there with words of comfort and compassion. You and everybody here have helped me understand. As i said yesterday, I fell free, I am over the hump, I no longer have dream’s of the P realizing what a wonderful, caring compassionate (sexy) :).. man I am, and him doing what it take’s for us to be together. It was all an allusion on my part. I am getting over the hurt, the injustice. Now I am PISSED,I am MAD, I keep a pile of bricks by the driveway to pulverize him and his vehicle if he shows up here again. I have his frikkin cat here, going to find her a new home because she is a constant reminder of him. I am good to her, feed her and take her to the vet if needed, but the cat is going……..Dear SS, OX is right, we need to trust ourselve’s, stop looking for some one to complete us, if you were in a relationship with a P, you should be able to recognize that in anybody encluding your new guy. I don’t think any relation comes with a guarantee, if you enjoy this guy and he doesnt abuse you, just go with it. I understand your concern’s about trust, the world is full of predator’s, I don’t think I will ever trust again. But if I trust my opinion and my judgement, then all someone need’s to do is be real, be respectfull, be honest, have some good quality’s and we will recognize that. Dear Jane Thanks for the kind comment, I understand how we can be up and felling good one moment and in despair the next. Hang in there and everybody should try to make each and everyday as good as possibe, it’s hard, real hard sometimes. Dear EYES OPENED, thanks for the kind comment, I went and bought (crickit) my dachshund a new ball, we went for a long walk yesterday, and yes she give’s the best hugs in the world………..
SS55125. In any relationship I think it is good to have a ‘detached’ awareness of how the relationship is going and how you are being treated. I say detatched like you are another person looking in on proceedings. You would not take big actions, but you would just observe, as you would with anyone new. People are different and of course if you cant trust them then you are tainting the relationship with thoughts of your exS – in a sense you are bringing your baggage from the last relationship into this. There has to be an element of trust, and a good man will honour and not spoil your trust.
If you read about true love, you will see, that like a butterfly, it cannot be bottled, captured and for many of us this is a big learning curve, because we are insecure without it!! We have to find a way of not setting up attachments to the other person in our relationships to allow them to breathe and not stifle them. If we have this tendency, we have to identify, what it is in us, that feels insecure and what or who in our lives has made that insecurity and realise that we are not the sum total of our past events. Somehow we have to find a way of identifying the ‘package’, opening it, looking at it, and sealing it with a sense of thanks and completeness – if that make sense. We all want that peace in our relationships and of course encounters with anti socials upset that, but that was a different person to the person you are with now.
Dear Henry, I just Love your words to Oxyd, it just makes me go so oooo radiant all over. She’s a grreat gal!!!
An afterthought to my post before last. A spiritual law says ‘What you resist persists’. If we cannot trust, then we will bring people into our lives to teach us a lesson. When we have examined and distilled the wisdom of how trust issues relate to us personally, the lesson is much less likely to manifest. The End.
Henry and Beverly, thank you both for your validation and votes of confidence.
Believe me though, I struggle every day and have all my life, I think it is just finally getting through my THICK skull that I had to DO something besides think about it.
I love Aloha’s phrase INFORMED DENIAL. Gosh if there ever was ANYONE who should **SHOULD** have known what I was doing, what I was putting up with it SHOULD have been ME. Man, I had it all down, I could tell YOU or anyone else how THEY should run their lives successfully, but BOY MINE WAS A MESS. The old joke about “them that can, DO, and them that can’t TEACH” is sooooo true, at least in MY case.
I spent my professional life in a little room solving other people’s problems, helping them, but I COULD NOT HELP MYSELF because I was BIG TIME in denial.
I helped my Enabling mother keep up the big facade that we were a “nice normal family”–sheesh! What a FAKE! I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t find the REAL REASON until I realized I was part of the plot to keep up the facade. When it got too dangerous to keep on in DENIAL, it was ONLY then that I realized I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t fix them, I could only ***ONLY*** take care of ME. FIX ME.
I used to TEACH the grief process to grieving people and to other health care professionals, I used to TEACH “dealing with difficult families” and I KNEW all the RIGHT things, I just DIDN”T DO them!
I was a PROFESSIONAL HYPOCRIT! I got paid for being a hypocrite. Now that I am starting to PRACTICE what I PREACHED life IS getting better day by day, a few set backs here and there, but on the UPWARD TREND. The things I preached DO WORK, if you work them, if you do them. My way is NOT the ONLY way by a long shot, but it is A WAY, but nothing helps if you don’t DO IT!
All the knowledge in the world isn’t worth a farthing if you don’t use it constructively. I’ve had the knowledge all along, I’ve had the ability all along, I’ve had the power all along—and I buried it and didn’t use it because I was AFRAID to use it. Other people thought I did, but secretly I didn’t, and I felt ashamed because I was AFRAID to make someone angry at me, to feel abused, to feel used, to feel unloved, unlovable. I felt like I was a FAKE pretending to be “competent” when I really wasn’t–well I WAS competent, I just wasn’t BEING competent. We all have so MUCH POWER that we don’t for one reason or another USE.
I can stand up in the “meeting” and say “HI, my name is Ox Drover, I’m an enabler…” or “an expert at denial” or “a facilitator of my own abuse”—but I can also stand up and say that ” I am ‘sober’ for TODAY.” I am working my “steps” and I am always going to be vulnerable to falling back into the “old and familiar and painful behaviors” but I will work daily to over come that, and to USE WHAT I KNOW TO BE MY TRUTH.
I just want to encourage everyone here to find YOUR TRUTH, and to move on with their lives, to heal, and overcome the pain, to realize their strength, the POWER that we all have within us. I know that this whole life-time (and more recently the last couple of years) of the P-thing have been very painful, but I can see so much growth in my sons since the P-son is out of our lives, since my DIL is now an X and gone, and the TH-P is in prison, and I am not dealing with trying to appease my mother day in day out like throwing meat to a two-headed dog and hoping it is enough to feed it and that it won’t turn and eat you too.
Hi OxyD. You got there in the end – and that is the important bit. Your energy and encouragement is very evident and valued. And when it is not just a concept, but from REAL experience – that matters all the more!! ((hugs))
Beverly, I had a debate once with someone else about “courage” and “bravery” I think I was 18 or 19 (and of course knew everything) but what the other person said to me that day stuck with me.
At tht time I saw “bravery” and “courage” as being UNAFRAID. My older and wiser friend said “No, it isn’t being unafraid it is being scared s#itless and doing what’s right anyway.”
We had a guy with us in Africa who was scared of his shadow and everyone knew it and he tried to appear so “brave” and appear fearless which of course was ridiculous, but NOW I can see what REAL courage he had in that he was scared to death all the time but he KEPT ON GOING. I, in my teenaged arrogance, didn’t have SENSE enough to be AFRAID when I should have been afraid, and it’s a wonder it didn’t get me killed more than once.
Sometimes I think it is my OWN FEAR of not appearing brave that paralizes me. I know I must be a pretty good “acteress” at keeping my own mask over my own insecurities, and generally if someone I cared about would say something to me that really hurt my feelings I would FREEZE like a deer in the headlights, but I wouldn’t cry then, I would smile, and PRETEND that I either didn’t “get it” or that it didn’t hurt me for them to say or do whatever it was they did. It was like there was some mental prohibition against “letting them see me bleed”—occasionally someone would see me angry, but mostly that was dealt with in private as well.
I spent so much energy appearing brave that it kept me from BEING brave, acknowledging my fears and still doing what was right, what I KNEW was right.
I guess better late than never, but now that I’ve finally (I think) really learned how to live most of my life is behind me, but who knows, maybe the BEST IS YET TO BE!
Have a happy Sunday! Oh, BTW how are your radiation treatments going? How many more to go? (((hugs))))
Dear OxD – Courage and Bravery in different ways – for me it has been a sustained committment to take the hard route on alot of things and to act with determination and confidence to achieve an end. I suppose it is relative, inthat it means different things to different people. Some people have encountered panic attacks at different times in their lives, so that conducting quite ordinary things like venturing out of the house involves confronting a fear. I definately equate what you say about not letting people see you hurt. I have ‘swallowed’ abuse by not allowing people to see my vulnerability and I very much did that in my relationshp with the N, because on a feeling level I was very hurt, but I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it – so I suffered alone.
Thank you for asking – yes I have ONE more treatment left tomorrow (Monday) and thats it!!! All my friends are saying how well I look, some say that I look better than I did before I met the N and that I have a ‘bloom’. I have been on sick pay from work since end March and that has helped, but I am quite tired. But thanks – I am doing GOOD GOOD. I am so grateful and want to say a big thank you for praying for me – if you could see me, you would see the fruit of your prayers – God Bless. ((hugs))