Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
To Bev, James, Oxy, Free,
Thanks for your words of encouragement, your poetry, and you wisdom.
I just told my sister: I keep close to the ground so there isn’t much chance of falling.
I think falling in Love involves a certain amount of naivete’. I don’t think I have that anymore.
Yes, Bev, it’s like a “punctured” ballon.
An empty balloon still looks hopeful… potential for something fun there. But a punctured balloon looks pretty pathetic. You can tell that it has already be stretched to the max and now it’s all shriveled and wrinkled and there are holes and tears in it. Looking at it, you don’t see much potential for fun. I guess that is how I feel right now.
If this is only a phase, I guess I can be thankful for that.
I know I still don’t feel good about me and I am waiting for a man to love me so I can feel good about myself.
I know this a TRAP.
I am still in it.
Aloha,
” I know this is a trap.” (Quote)
Recognizing that you are in a trap is the FIRST and BIGGEST step in getting out of the trap, Aloha.
Not recognizing that we are in a trap (denial) keeps us from even trying to get out of the trap. Maybe we even think that our “beautiful place” is paradise when in reality it is a TRAP–that imprisons us, like the Sultan’s sons were kept in a wonderful prison, complete with all the pleasures of the world, but the minute the Sultan died, his successor MURDERED all the Sultan’s sons who were so happy in their palaces, thinking they had everything in the world when they only had a plush prison, that was holding them until the time of their death. They never tried to escape this “paradise” because they did not know they were in prison, that they were TRAPPED life fish in a rain barrel and that as soon as their father died, their oldest brother would have them strangled.
I think about what might have been if they had not been so unaware that they were imprisoned. Wouldn’t they have tried to escape while there was still a chance? I believe they would have.
You recognize that AT THIS TIME you are not ready to trust and love another man yet—but you realize you are in a TRAP and you WILL GET OUT OF THIS TRAP, because though I have never seen your face, I KNOW YOU, I know what a strong woman you are, and that you will not forever remain in the TRAP. You will not stop until you break free from its clutches. You have too much to give and are too able to love not to love, but you will never NEVER love indiscriminately again, the man who is lucky enough to get you will have EARNED your trust, and will be WORTHY of your love.
I have observed as you have grown and blossomed, and are coming into full bloom of your strength and your power! I have NO DOUBT that you will get OUT OF THE TRAP. (((hugs))))
Dear AloaT, After the big drama is over and we are recovering, we are left with a big empty space. The Ps/Ns/Ss occupied so much of our space and energy and we are tired. We mourn the empty space and we feel depressed about it – but it is a blank canvas – we have a choice to fill it with something good, or do we just fill it up with anything? What are we going to do with the new space?
Wow-everyones posts are so inspiring.
I do find it strange that it has been only two months since I was told that he wanted to move many states away to be with a women. Two weeks after he told me, I told him he needed to leave. I remember those two weeks inbetween him telling me and him leaving. Those two weeks were a nightmare. It was so confusing and none of it made any sense. It was all so surreal and it felt like I was walking in a really bad dream. In the mornings i would wake up and beg to myself “please tell me I dreamt it!!!” And when I realized that I hadn’t, I spent the rest of the day trying not to cry and trying to shake it off. By the time night came I shook it off and slept, only to have it start all over the next day.
Was that only two months ago?
Now I know it wasn’t a dream. I know everything he told me was a lie. I know I made some big decisions based on those lies. I know what I am going to do to clean up the mess he left. I know he is a sociopath. I don’t know how extreme his symptoms are, but I also know that I don’t want to find out how much farther he can go.
I can’t believe that it was only two months ago that I was set free from the lie.
I love the new space. I love not being called multiple times a day asking where I am. I love doing what I want to, and not being judged for it. I love not being told what I have to do and how I should do it. I also love, not being lied to.
Of course in one month this will all change. The baby will come. I won’t get to do what I want. I will be a slave to the baby. I am so scared of postpartum. I am scared that because of what happened, I might go into a depression that I have yet to go into.
Oxdrover really stated it nicely in saying that we must enjoy what we have when we have it. Because it will be gone. The baby will be independent so quickly, that I need to enjoy it while he needs me. My independence that I have right now, will be gone in a month. So I need to enjoy that right now.
There is a lot to enjoy and appreciate in the space. It is the quite after the storm. It is completely unsettling at times. But I would prefer in the quite to have nothing else to do, but listen to the song of a bird singing. I”ll take that beautiful song over my crying, anyday.
Bird,
I am not a mother but something tells me that the sound of your own baby crying isn’t as bad as a random baby in a store or on a bus. You will have the patience when you need it. I wish we all could see your baby. Is this our first baby on LoveFraud? The first one we are waiting for?
This is exciting to me. It gives me a little uplift, to be honest. Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? Do tell! When is your due date? Are you in the US? I forgot where you are. You don’t have to answer my questions if you don’t want.
I am feeling a little better. I spoke to my man friend. He wanted to talk. He knew I was hurting and he was concerned about it. And he wanted to say he’s not ready for a relationship. Knowing what he has shared about his circumstances, I was wondering if he was kind of running on empty and he was. I was afraid I was too emotional and had too much pain and he said he thought my sensitivity was refreshing and he actually liked that about me. He said he just felt stuck like he couldn’t open up.
Aren’t we the perfect couple? HAHA
Strangely, I feel a little better right now.
Thanks to all of you for your support. Sometimes, I want to be the person that doesn’t need support anymore. I really am over the Bad Man. But.. I am not over losing myself and my hope. And sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by this loss.
I told the man I had been dating a little bit about Bad Man but I didn’t cry and it wasn’t a big drama or anything. I thought I was ready for dating because Bad Man doesn’t feel so dramatic to me anymore but what does feel upsetting is I know that though I may be over the Bad Man, I am a changed person.
It’s hard to date as a jaded person looking for signs of betrayal and bad behavior and being hyper vigilant all the time. Not too sexy, is it?
OxDover is right. I really do need a man who is willing to EARN my trust but many men state that they think this is not fair. HELLO? Why not? I am 39 years old. Don’t you think I have learned a thing or two about men by now? EXACTLY! That is why you have to EARN my trust.
XO to you all… Aloha
Dear Bird!!!
Your post was so positive and I am so happy for you, you have come so far in such a short time—I can’t believe it has only been a little while since you came to this blog!
Tell us all about the baby–what a wonderful thing! And he/she will have so many “aunties” and “uncles” that are rooting for him/her…and for you.
Don’t worry about the post-partum yet, it may happen and it may not…just remember get all the sleep you can! Focus on the fun parts and sing to the baby–yes they can hear you and the sound of your voice. I found that when mine moved around at night when I was trhing to sleep I could sing to them and they would quiet down and let me sleep. Sounds silly I know, but singing makes you feel more up even when you are down, try itand see if it works for you.
Aloha,
Earning trust isn’t a big deal I dont think, it just means that you start out and I don’t distrust you, I just don’t have every confidence in the world that you are trustworthy. As I deal with you (that is the generic “you”, not you-Aloha) you got + points for showing up on time, – points for chronic lateness, and + points for politeness and BIG – points for losing your temper or being rude, and you get the Big BOOT for lying.
What is so “hard” about earning my trust? Nothing except NOT BETRAYING IT. As long as you are trustworthy I will not distrust you, but I am not going to bet my life or my heart on your trustworthyness the first day I meet you…no matter WHO “you” are! DUH! And, if you betray me, show disrespect for me, YOUR LOSS FELLA! Outta my life and stay gone!
EArning trust is EASY really, it just means keeping your word, and “playing nice with others”—getting trust back after betraying it–now THAT’s a different story. LOL
Good for you Aloha!
Dear Donna,
This is a truly revealing post…..boy do I relate to the loss of my dreams…the injuries from family and so-called friends…. and the levels of pain! I don’t know what my future holds….but I do know what it will never hold again. I miss people of my past….but if they cannot be truly honorable I can’t be around them anymore. I can’t even take the small losses in life anymore…like the family member taking my daughters toys and video’s…like the money missing from my home (my daughters birthday money)…like the shady workmanship of a so-called professional….like the $250 taken from my pocket-book. Just a few small things and I cannot take it anymore! Those small things now feel as big as the BIG ONE. I cannot let alot of people in my life anymore because of this.
I used to be outgoing and very social. I am so afraid of being hurt again. But I thank you for all you have done for me and others.
Dear Trish,
I am sorry that you have had more betrayals. Of course they are “not as serious” as the BIG one, BUT—they are like SALT TO AN OPEN WOUND.
I found the exact same thing for quite some time, and still it does “burn” when people use me in even smaller ways now more than it ever did in the past.
The ONLY difference I can see now is that I AM setting boundaires more easily–I won’t say EASILY–but it is getting “easie-R” each time I do so successfully.
I think the pulling back from so many people (“I cannot let a lot of people in my life anymore because of this”) is a normal part of the healing process because we are so RAW until the wounds have time to scab over and heal so that they are not RAW any more and open.
The thing I found is that my STORE OF PATIENCE and toleration for “BS” is much more limited now than it was before the devestation last year.
The one year anniversary of me fleeing my home is coming up this week, and I realize how FAR I have come from that day “eons” ago–and it does feel like years and years, in some ways, and “yesterday” in others.
The progress made is wonderful and I know that, but there is still more to go, I am not “there” yet. My reserves or strenth are increasing, but still are LIMITED. Setting limits on how much time I spend with people who SUCK ON these limits of strength is a matter of survival for ME. I have to take care of ME first.
You can think of it like a serious illness…say Pneumonia. You are no longer running a fever, or coughing til you turn blue, but you are not able to go help your sister move into her new house…you haven’t recovered your strength. You aren’t still SICK, but recovering, rebuilding your strength a bit each day, but still not able to do heavy lifting.
We need that “rest and recovery” period where we don’t need the “set backs” —even small ones—-that SAP OUR STRENGTH. Pushing people back who sap your strength, even if they are well meaning, I think is necessary in our healing.
Good luck to you and (((BIG Hugs)))))
I haven’t posted in quite some time.. but occasionaly come to read the posts….. Yesterday I was given the news that my sociopath has left the area. for the past two years, I have lived in bondage. She had lived just mere 4 miles from me. Now, she is gone and so is the fear of running into her at the bank, the grocery store, whereever…… It’s over…. I feel closeure now that she is far away….. no one can understand this but you, the readers here. I think i’ll go out and have a beer, and look up at the sky and thank my God for blessing me with the strength to endure….. for listening to my pleas through my tears…. and for standing beside me for the past two years when everybody else thought I was crazy because I didn’t want to get in a relationship again, or had anxiety about driving down the road near my house.
I hope that all of you can eventually feel this feeling of release of fear. This is so big for me….. smiles…. baby steps, yes, but this was a leap.
Welcome back Southernman. I was thinking about some of you recently, yourself and AptMgr who havent posted for a while, wondering how you are getting on. You must feel SO relieved at her departure and free of the thought of seeing her again. I remember you suffered terribly, but you sound so less troubled and more at ease in yourself. Thank Goodness, I breathe a sigh of relief for you!!