Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
HELLO GANG, Thanks OX, so much for all the words of wisdom, I would never take my life, but there have been time’s when dying would of been easier. I have buried alot to pain from my childhood, thing’s that my brain couldnt process. And yes Holywatersalt, I do see this as a life lesson, I do see now, and I have hope. Thank you. Beverly it is encouraging to know that you are the picture of health (now), I am tired, emotionally exhausted and have lost weight, I look a mess. Donna, thanks so much for responding to me. If I need to scream and rage and the urge is there, I won’t hold back, I have got to release it. And to all of you that responded, I want to say I have heeded your concern’s about drinking and driving. I am not without faults but there have been times when I realized I should not drive. When I was on that hill top after two hours of screaming and crying and drinking I was in no shape to drive, I slept in the truck till the sun came up and then I went home. And RRIINNAA, I read your post and relate so much with you. You and I need to get all gussied up and go out on the town!!!! I am glad I am not so technically inclined with computers and cell phones and such. Stop!! all that texting and crap, if you look hard enuff for the devil you will find him. Please do the NO CONTACT thing. I don’t know if my ex physcopath even has a cell phone, when he was here I put it in the microwave for 8 seconds, he was so frustrated that whole day. LOL and in someones earlier post they said something about the (empty space) after the P was gone. I ssssssssssssssooooooooo relate with that. I can fill up my time with work and such but that empty feeling is always present. I think maybe it is (shock) of realizing what has happened. But ya know I was empty when he was here, lonely when he was here, I had a little spot out behind the barn that I would retreat to and smoke and ask myself, will this ever end? ever change. He was on the computer and I was out hiding in my spot. I saw more of the back of his head than I ever saw of his face. I hope he is gone for good, maybe I will never see it’s face again. I was talking to my son last nite about unrelated things, he has a buddy he went to school with, the buddy was in Iraq for one year, he came home to his wife and three year old son. One day he drove to Tennessee and hung him self. Are we in HELL AND WE JUST DON’T KNOW IT? thanks to all and i read every post and like you rriinnaa it is hard to hit the close button. But I do have tool’s to work with, knowledge and understanding, it’s sucks but at least I am learning about me. I wish I knew now what I didn’t know then, when maybe I could of helped my sister…
This was nice to read, Henry.
Dear Henry, thanks for letting me know about the sleeping in the truck. That shows GOOD SENSE. I’m not a member of MADD but agree totally with their stance. I lost a couple of really good friends to drunk drivers….and in the South on A Friday or Saturday night 10% of the drivers are DRUNK—That was one of the things that helped me see my X-BF was a P was that he came to my house one evening drunker’n a skunk, and he had driven 4 hours to get there, drinking all the way apparently.
Thank you Rev08, I think I am finally putting my knowledge into ACTION at “this advanced age”—yea, Henry, that’s the thing–I knew and still didn’t do it! LOL
Today has been such a great day for me! Weather finally wasn’t so hot and humid I couldn’t breathe outside and I got so much done, have so much energy and have just appreciated being here on the farm by myself (son D is off working at his summer job as Counselor for a large Boy Scout camp) When I think that this time last year I was a BASKET CASE, had moved off into hiding, was crying my eyes out, stressed to the max, it is so difficult to realize that ONLY one year has passed. I bought the RV June 10th last year, though I actually left home a couple of weeks before that. D was at camp, like this year, and I was “insane” with pain, worry, frustration, anger, rage, etc etc, you guys know the drill…and now it is 180 degrees away from that.
Tomorrow my mother and I go to court to face down the Trojan Horse P over the vehicle he “borrowed” the money from my mother to buy, so hopefully, she can get title to the vehicle and sell it. It isn’t so much the money as I don’t want him to have “wheels” when he gets out of prison in 2010. I think I will be much safer if he is “a foot.”
We haven’t been notified that the court date is canceled, so apparently he has been “transported” for the case from prison to this county–will see what happens. If he is there, I am sure it will be an embarrassing circus. A year ago I couldn’t have handled this without breaking down, now, (shrug shoulders here) it’s not going to be a big deal I don’t think. (well I hope anyway).
Friday I go to meet the X-DIL at the bank to cash the joint tax return checks and the “stimulus” check for her and my son C—give her half and keep the other half for C. After that I don’t ever have to see her face again. She was sooooo “sweet” on the phone yesterday it made me almost want to puke–knowing that even though she hates the ground I walk on (after all it was my fault she went to jail you know, because I raised C and that was why he was so mean to her that she tried to kill him etc etc ) but they are SUCH GOOD ACTORS, if I hadn’t known she hated me completely, I would have thought she was my best friend from the way she talked.
You know Henry, I too felt that “empty” space after I NO CONTACTED, quit writing or visiting my P son, but the “full space” was an illusion of my own making…he has been out of my home for more than half his life, 20 years–he wasn’t IN my life, just my imagination was all he was in. He wasn’t there. Ditto with the X-BF-P, when he was here he was making me “crazy” or unhappy, and when he was not here he was still making me “crazy” or unhappy, so when he was gone, I missed him–I thought–but actually it was my imaginary BF I missed, not the real man.
But now, my life is FULL with REAL things. I am using my time AND ENERGY to accomplish actual things that benefit me, my farm, my other sons, my livestock and most of all MYSELF.
I’m not wasting my ENERGY and TIME on worrying about a man in prison that I don’t even KNOW—he’s not the little boy I loved so much and had such dreams for, he’s a MONSTER that I don’t even know. I don’t know if he is in good health, or poor health, or in solitary, or general population. And I DON’T CARE TO KNOW. I don’t even want to know. I’m not even curious. One day, Henry, you will feel the same way about your X-P, and so will you REV08, they just will not be relevant to your life any more.
You will get to a point that you can talk about it all, and NOT FEEL THE EMOTIONS connected to it, because it will be like describing a movie you saw or something someone told you about, it just won’t be ATTACHED to YOU any more. It doesn’t make the past “go away” it is still t here, unchanged, but YOU will have changed, grown past it all, HEALED.
Getting back to the JOY of life, putting all the “ghosts” to rest, taking care of YOU, and having enough left to share with others, that’s what it is all about. The psychopaths suck us so dry that not only do we have nothing to give to others, we don’t even have enough left for us to survive on. When you get them out of your life, your energy multiplies. You have not only “enough” for yourself, you have a SURPLUS of energy to do good things for others as well. A surplus of JOY to share.
OXY yep I agree and relate with the imaginary bf, I still imagine him. OXY I want you to know that I will seriously be thinking about you tomorrow and sending out some energy to help you get through what I know is going to be a stressfull day, so put me in your pocket and go take care of business!!!!!!!!
Wow, I can’t even get through all these posts… so much good advice, so much inspiration. Although I’m trying to do all the right things to help heal myself, I’ve gone back to feeling despair. I know I can’t wipe out 14 years in 7 months, but I wish I could.
After all of the horrible things my ex has done to me, tomorrow is his b-day and I think to myself, “maybe I should have the kids bake him a cake”. What is that all about?? They truly get under your skin and take you over for so long, it’s hard to get them out.
I live for that moment where OxD says that I will “not feel the emotions connected to it”. When I see him these days, it does feel as though I no longer know him at all, because in reality the person I knew was only an illusion. I so look forward to not being “attached” to the feelings anymore. There’s no telling when that will happen.
I am attempting to restart my career after giving it up over ten years ago, and it is going to be much more difficult than I anticipated. I think I should do something completely different, and leave my old life behind, but I just don’t know what it is I should be doing.
I still get so confused. Sometimes I continue to feel so tormented by him, even when I have no contact. Maybe he still has a piece of my soul that I can’t quite get back.
I also relate to that “empty feeling”. There was the emptiness when he was here, and now the emptiness when he is not here. We just can’t win. There’s this power he has over me still… he plants these little seeds in my mind, like he has done for years, and they come back to me, and I start thinking what he wants me to… that perhaps this was all my fault, perhaps if I had been a better wife, he wouldn’t have had to do the things he did. I know, it makes no logical sense, but none of this does.
I will keep coming here to help pull myself out of the depths of despair. It will get better. It has gotten better, but then it gets worse.
Dear Almost_Free,
Hun, it WILL Get better I promise you! I still have days when I worry about things, down days when I am trying to make a decision that is “painful”–like setting a boundary! I ruminate and ruminate, chewing it over and over, swallowing it, then burping it back up like a cow, to chew it all over again, but then I come to the DECISION and once that is made, I DO IT. Presto, the anxiety is GONE! In the past, that would not have been so, I wold have kept on second guessing myself.
Restarting a career is difficult, and anxiety provoking, but you are a SMART WOMAN–and if you want to do something different than go back to what you did 10- years ago, GO FOR IT! Make a plan and work the plan.
I have changed careers several times in my life and I’m glad I did, each thing gave me a new start–even after I went into nursing I did different specialties within nursing and that was great too, because each thing I did, the knowledge gained in the previous job was useful in the next one. I was 30 when I finally got my degree, with a kid on each hip! More poor than a church mouse, but I made it! I still don’t know what I want to “do when I grow up” but I am sure there will be something wonderful over the horizon! It may not be paid work, but it will be something fulfilling. Right now I have a full time job here on the farm getting things in order, simplifying my life and cutting down the number of things I have to “take care of.”
One thing that is VERY empowering and gives me marvelous freedom is that I AM NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER—she took the authority away from me, and therefore I no longer have the responsibility. So, I don’t have to “worry” about her, make my plans with her in mind, limit myself.
Your X is no longer the one who controls your life, YOU ARE. You are NOT limited by his wants, needs or desires.
As far as you being a better wife then “HE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO DO THE THINGS HE DID”—Wait a cotton picking minute! What is this HE HAD TO DO? He didn’t HAVE TO DO ANYTHING except be a descent man—YOU did NOT MAKE him do anything because you were a “bad wife.” HE CHOSE to do and be what he is.
You are a POWERFUL WOMAN, in control of your own destiny! Put on your “big girl panties” and go out and conqueor the world, woman! You are FREE of that man now, and the only power over you that he has is what you GIVE him. Don’t give him ANY! Keep it all for yourself!
PS: Let the jerk bake his own birthday cake! LOL (((hugs))))
Hey Gang, I have been re-reading some of your post, BEVERLY , I missed your post when you were describing how he looked dead when he slept. That post gives me chills, I relate with that so much, (he) would sleep in this fetal position with his head thrown back, it looked abnormal, almost like he was dead or not human, it was really kinda freaky. And yes he was living in a terrible, filthy home, under horrible circumstances. I felt sorry for him, i guess the nurturing part of me tried to give him a better life. He came here without a vehicle, without a driver’s licence, I can go on a nd on about all the things I did to make his life better. Guess it was time for me to wake up and realize I need to change my patterns and work on me. And the sex part, well I was never that excited about it, he never made eye contact and I always felt kinda unnerved, that something about him was (OFF). I guess I was still trying to help him with his (box of demon’s) Life is moving forward, painfully slow, but this is a life lesson for me. What keeps nagging at me is I have these thought’s and illusion’s that he is happy with the new guy and starting this wonderfull life with someone new. And telling him the same shit he told me. He used to say( sugarbooger I love you ), he would tell me he loved me 20 times a day, it was so unsincere, so robot like. Usually he said it when I walked past him when he was on the computer, never taking his eyes off the computer. I would go outside fire up the grill, fix steaks and a wonderfull meal and he WOULD NEVER even come out side to sit with me while I was fixing his dinner. And whats weird, is he would of been just as satisfied with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as a gourmet meal. any how i just wanted to comment on that post of your’s Beverly…..it hit a nerve but made me feel even more justified that he is thge demon in the box……………Oxy I hope your day went well, tell us how the court hearing went……..Henry
ok i got to say more. I knew he was a bad apple, low class person when I met him. I knew from day one I was being conned. And yes I was vulnerable and lonely, but never have I been desperate. I am not an old troll willing to pay for sex or companionship. we argued constantly about his intent and reasons for being here. I guess it was the borderline personality thing mixed in with the sociopath. He just screwed up my thought process, I wanted him to leave, to move on, from the beginning, I knew he was not the right guy for me. I do miss some aspect’s of him being here, the way he interacted with my dog’s. Was nice to have another masculine gay man to do thing’s with, fishing, camping, going to a movie etc. But in public situations he would keep his distance, he was very uncomfortable with his sexuality. His grandparent’s raised him because he was abandoned by his parent’s when he was two. Or at least this is the story he told me, who knows?? He had no friends – no family would ever call him. Back to my original thot here (sorry) I KNEW IT WAS NOT REAL, so why did I put up with so much frikkin turmoil and drama? Why can’t I flush my brain of thinkin about him? If I wanted him gone so bad, why am I thinking about him so much? I got to the point that when (HE) wanted to talk I would say what’s the point? I don’t believe ANYTHING that comes out of your mouth.. But he would twist thing’s around, make me feel like I was the one that had done wrong, when I confronted him about his lies and deception’s he had a clever way of turning the focus on me. thanks guys for letting me vent………
Henry, I think 99% of us if not 100% of us had the same feelings, we KNEW something was wrong, that we were not loved and yet it took “forever” to get them out of our heads. WHY? That’s the “64 thousand dollar question”—with the son, I just wanted to believe, with the X-BF I was so needy, I’m not sure what, but there was some “Chit covered Carrot” out there that I wanted from each one (as Aloha so eloquently puts it) and it tasted like chit, it smelled like chit, but I think somehow I kept hoping it wasn’t chit! ha ha
The only thing we can do NOW is to work on us. Some of us at least, and from what you said about your upbringing and your sister etc, you among us, have some “past issues” that we haven’t resolved that are poking their heads up, so if we resolve this one, work on us, and also work on those past issues that are still there–stinking like a dead skunk on the highway–we can come out the other side better and free of the chains that have made us hobbled, made us vulnerable to the Ps.
It is a long hard road sometimes, but I can tell you , it is the ONLY way out of the darkness, to admit what is there, to overcome it–realize our own POWER and that we don’t have to submit to the “demons in the dark” any more. I don’t mean to sound mellodramatic but it is a CHOICE–to fight or to give in. I am not going to submit to them any more. I am taking back my POWER to be ME.
I choose to fight Oxdrover, wish I could hug ya………