Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Hi Henry, When we REALLY THINK ABOUT IT there is a part of us that just KNEW they were not good for us (in my language – not aligned with us), but our compassion got the better of us. I think I said in previous post, he became my pet project and thinking back that as much as he had control, my control in terms of him being my project was skewed, because he was going along with it. In my past posts I described him living in a squalid room, no driving licence, no money – no nothing other than a cat and he lived in the dark, worked nights and his skin reacted to the light. Something in me wanted to share the ‘sun’ of life and I worked hard to bring him to live in the light and enjoy life – BUT I didnt know what I was dealing with.
Like you I enjoyed the company, he could be good company when he didnt have narcissistic rage and he also shunned public holidays. They want the love but they dont want the connection, but they cant have one without the other, so they pretend. My exN kept telling meover and over how much he really loved me and I said to him ‘Do you know I hear you saying it but I dont feel it’. When I asked him what he dreams about he said he didnt dream – everyone dreams. Does that have any ‘vibrations’ with you?
Dear Henry – Oh yea, that realisation that they were disconnected, by the way they never looked at you or came over to you – that happened to me plenty of times and I sat there in puzzlement. I was sitting in my garden sunbathing and he was in his squalid room up the road and I invited him over and he declined – I invited him to a bar he declined but he sat in the bar across the road knowing I was there and he cycled past without coming to see me – we went on holiday and when we went anywhere he would want to go off on his own for hours and I constantly felt rejected by him – yes Henry I had PLENTY of that behaviour. That is part of their manipulation and them avoiding connection and it is also a kick in the guts.
Henry – those are red flag moments (I call them defining moments) when we ‘know’ that something is not right, that action did not align with their words. At the time you must have wondered about that, but now you know that they have similar behaviours, you will be alert to it in your next relationship. Its the weirdness of what they do, but being compassionate beings we allow ‘room’ for other people’s quirky ways and traits of personality not realising that the weirdness all forms part of their pattern of behaviour, which they will do in all their relationships. When I met the exN, my daughter looked at him and when I said what do you think, she said I could do a lot better, because it was very obvious that I was way above him financially, intellectually and in every way, but I sold out to the lowest bidder because I had not been in a relationship for 16 years and I was fooled into thinking I had a click with this guy.
But they dont share their thinking with you, so you dont know what is going on in their heads.
I call them defining moments because at that moment, we are shown what the true reality is. As if captured in that moment, we see that there is no correlation between what the person said and what they did. They said they loved us, but they did not give us the time of day and in opportunities that existed they DID NOT express their love – so SOMETHING IS WRONG. That wrongness is what people call red flags, the things that dont add up, dont make sense.
Even for those of us who have had a dysfunctional upbringing we still have a strong sense of the kind of ‘very best’ relationship we aspire to participating in.
Beverl.. Wow, everything you describe ring’s so true. He didn’t like ANY holidays, and ruined my last two xmas’s. I bought him several nice gift’s and it really pissed him off, that he felt obligated to have buy me something. Never a birthday card or flower’s or anything. I planned his 40th birthday party and invited 4 of his friends, they were actually (bar aquaintances) but he always proclaimed they were his (best friends) well none of them showed up only my friends came and he stayed in on the computer while we celebrated his birthday. And about dreams? I am one of those people that will describe a dream I had, (as I am sure you can see, I am an open book) got to change that. Well he told me he never dreamed, I believe him, cause when he slept he looked like he was in a coma. Was reading somewhere that (they) are not human like but more animal like with survival instinct’s. Mine was definatly a parastic life style. The first year he was here he blew all his money and helped me very little financially. I kicked him out, but he begged to come back and he gave me his paycheck and asked me to manage the money. He just can’t manage life on his own. I didn’t want to be his keeper. I can remember thinking all the time ( I just want him gone, I just want MY life back. I got it back by golly and it is going to be a good day, thanks beverly for some good insight…………..
Last night after I got home from the NON-court hearing I got to thinking about alternative ways that might avoid another hearing. My X-DIL has a power of attorney over the Trojan Horse’s business while he is in prison. She tried to use it once to get the truck back from my mother, and showed it to mom’s attorney. She told the attorney (I over heard this) that the truck was “paid for” and that there was no lien on the title. Partly true, there is no lien on the title, but the truck was NOT paid for and she knew it.
Though she totally to this day DENIES that she tore up the promissory note which was under her control, she accuses my son C, her x-husband of doing this at my mother’s request. The Trojan Horse also goes along with this. (in his letter) but the lie is pretty transparent, because if it were true, since the TH-P was living with my mother at the time would he not at least mention the event to my mom (that she supposedly asked for thenote to be torn up?) and at least thank her for doing that wonderful thing? DUH!
Son C denies all knowledge of what happened to the promissory note that was in the lock box.
Since the X-DIL-P has a legal power of attorney for the Trojan Horse, I am going to see if she will sign over the title for the truck. There is NOTHING ILLEGAL ABOUT THAT–IT’S A BIT SLIMY, BUT WHAT THE HECK, it isn’t illegal. My son C is going to call her today and I am supposed to meet her tomorrow to cash their IRS check. That would end this whole thing FINALLY. I’ll let you know what happens.
I read the letter that the Trojan Horse P wrote my mother from Prison telling her in the first paragraph how SORRY he was and that he was having a minister come in and work with him on his spirituality.
Then his letter went on about how OTHERS (unnamed but probably meaning me) were STILL persecuting him and my X-DIL, and he just didn’t understand why anyone would be so evil and cruel to do such things. How badly we had treated the X-DIL and so on.
Then he asked her to take $50 per month payments on what she thought he owed, he KNEW that he didn’t really owe it, but he would “pay it anyway” because he is so honest. (Where is the puke emoticon when you need it?) And again, he wanted to know why others just kept persecuting him when he was soooooo sorry for what he had done. (PUKE)
They just never ever give up trying to put the blame on others. Yep, he is right, “others” —MEEEEEE!!! —— did “persecute him” by having his bail raised so he couldn’t get out using my mother’s money they stole, and I ‘persecuted” him by raising cain so that the parole board canceled his ILLEGAL release to a half-way house (ACT 679 AR “no sex offenders can be housed in a half way house.”) Yep, I’m a BAAAADDDD person for taking back my POWER. I’m a bad person for using LEGAL TACTICS to fight his attempt to regain the vehicle after he gets out. He should have thought of these things before he tried to kill my son C or before he had the affair with the DIL or before they stole the money from my mother. I am grateful that she bought the guns though, because if they had simply taken the money and run, it would have been LEGAL since she had the power to sign her name to the account—with strings—and take it out. Which just goes to show that you better be careful to whom you give your power of attorney in unlimited form.
Dear Henry, when you talk about your ex partner, I have a very strong sense of him and your relationship together, I can almost picture the scenes you describe. I was 53 at the time and my exNarcissist was 39, so I was kind of like the older woman, catering for him, doing his washing, looking after him and that left me open to his exploitation. You sound like a decent guy and in the future we will learn not to readily give out gifts and energy away to people who are not worthy of them. We learn to love ourselves first, to the highest essence, but not like Narcissists do. They do themselves no favours and although they move swiftly onto someone else, the energy of their deeds is trapped in their energy field, so on that level they truly do not get away with it.
Dear Beverly. I am 53 he is 42, I raised two son’s to be strong independent men, they have succesfull live’s, good job’s, good marriages. I was a nurturing, compassionate caring father. I enjoyed doing thing’s for them. I took care of my (N) mother until I could no longer except her abuse. She is now in a nursing home and I have no desire to see her, to give her the opportunity to degrade me or blame me for all her misfortune. I am having to work through a bankruptsy, have a bad back from working in the oilfields and landscaping business. I have been overwhelmed with emotion. I can’t seem to focus on the thing’s that need to be done. My house is a wreck, the yard need’s mowing, I can’t seem to kick myself into gear. Your description of your x and mine sound so similar. He did just enuff around the house etc. to apease me. Meanwhile my life and surroundings and responsibilty’s to friends, family, client’s went to the way side. I was trapped in trying to keep him happy. I wouldn’t go camping with my son’s or to family event’s because that would give him opportunity to cheat, which he did every chance he got. I became like a mad man trying to catch him at his lie’s. And when I did catch him he convinced me I was the one that lied. I feel like I have been turned inside out. Like OX say’s I miss the imaginary BF. I truly doubt that I will ever find my true imaginary BF, it’s not that easy in my lifestyle. Promiscuity is rampant in the gay community. I can’t go there again emotionally. Trying to put me back together is tuff, I have alot of obstacles in my way. I realize I was a target, that makes me feel …kinda panic like.. it’s been a big wake up call for me. Your encounter with your x, strike’s a cord, you feel and felt the same thing’s. Experienced some of the same quirk’s in your X. Your recent post have lifted my spirit’s, thank you so much. thank’s to all of you in the (club)……….
Dear Henry, from what you say, you have borne your responsibilities in life and when we have critical mothers (I did) we underestimate our talents and gifts, in a sense we give them away too freely, and there are those who will take and exploit us as you have already found out. The reason why you cant get onto of your tasks, is that your energy is very preoccupied with the trauma of what you have encountered. Yes, I did that too, tried to keep close rein on him, but in the end I gave him so much rope I knew his trueself would show and it did. Its like we have a balanced and ‘knowing’ side which ‘knows’ what is truly right for us and who and what benefits us and wont get us into trouble down the line. You expressed that when you said you did not want to be involved in the promiscuous side of the community. On an esoteric level, promiscuity is not good.
Dont panic, though, the turbulence is temporary and your focus on your life and tasks will return. Your duty is to nuture yourself, like you did when you brought up your sons.. The other problem I found is that because I look younger than my age I seem to attract younger men, but when they are in their 40’s they are having their mid life crisis and their lifecycle and growth is different to those of us in our 50’s, so that even if they say they are not relating to us as an older person, they will be in some respects. My ex did virtually nothing to help me, and I am someone who never used to ask for help, even asking him to hold a ladder whilst I cleared the leaves from the gutter was declined by him, so I did it myself, he was careful not to put too much into the relationship, because he KNEW on one level it probably wouldnt last, they know alot more than they let on. But you wont be a target next time Henry, because you have learnt about their patterns and behaviours from this site and you wont let someone exploit you again. All will be well Henry, dont worry, give yourself some time to heal and realise that you still have YOU and give thanks for your sons and the care and attention you have given to people.
Dear Henry,
I am hearing some plain old garden variety depression in your posts–not just the trauma after the P. I would sincerely suggest you seek out a physician or a mental health clinic and get assessed for depression. Medication has been my SALVATION after my husband’s tragic and sudden death. For almost 8 months my son and I sat around so depressed the floor looked worse than my barn floor, the dishes piled up and the yard was unmowed. The only thing we could get up enough energy to do was feed the dogs. DEPRESSION.
Antidepressant medication doesn’t dull your senses, it just helps balance the chemicals in your brain, and it does’t make you jump for joy either, but it does help you cope if that is one of the problems.
I’m now on a low dose, down from 110% of the nomral standard highest dose, but have learned NOT totry to taper it any more. I’m on a generic drug so it is not terribly expensive but I would sell body parts to get the money if I had to! LOL There are some Title 19 clinics that are sliding scale prices in some areas, and they will help you get sample or cheaper medications if needed. Check around and see what you can find and at least get assessed.
My husband’s only granddaughter is gay, and the person she is living with is an older, abusive woman. I know there is a lot of dysfunction in the gay community, but in the straight one as well. With all the diseases out there (not just HIV) that can kill you, when you are with someone who cheats you are playing Russian Roulette with your body. Condoms are not a good birth control method so I don’t know why people think they will protect you form sexually transmitted diseases either.
Hey, if you think YOU have a problem finding a partner, a woman of my age has more chance of winning the LOTTO than finding a mate–unless she wants to go to the local wino shelter and pick her out one to take home for her very own! I don’t think there is anyone who likes sex more than I do, but you know, I can live without it rather than have a miserable “relationship” in order to get that. I guess what I miss the worst is having my best friend beside me at night when I go to sleep, but I’m getting used to my “new” best friend sleeping with me, he only weighs 18 pounds, and he’s 3years old, and he thinks I am the finest thing since Kibbles and Chunks. I just wish he didn’t have to get up at 3 or 4 a.m. to go outside to pee! LOL cause when he does he sticks his cold nose in my ear til I get up to take him.