Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
oxy, I do think I have some depression and will talk to a doc in two weeks about that. I think zoloft is for depression and anxiety. One of the thing’s i miss the most is sleeping with the jerk, but ya know it was all about me holding and comforting him untill he fell into his deep coma sleep. But me and the 3 weeny dog’s share the bed quite well. Aren’t dog’s the best companions ever? And I just love cold nose’s in the morning. thanks oxy, wish I could see your place it sound great!!!!!!
Dear Henry, Zoloft is one drug for depression and anxiety, and you can discuss it with your health care provider when you see them. There are many different medications and which one you need depends on a lot of things so discuss it with your doc and then give it some TIME to work.
Try to do a lot of the “healthy choice” things too. Exercise, walking etc is very good for depression, it will help you sleep better too. Decrease caffine (slowly or it will give you the head ache of all times! LOL) and don’t take any caffine after say noon. Take a nice warm soak or shower before bed and read or listen to quiet music. Try to keep a regular schedule of awake and asleep times. Eat right and stay away from the boozel. Booze may help you go to sleep but it actually doens’t let you get a restful sleep so you wake up more tired than when you went ot bed. Just in genersal try to be GOOD to yourself. Think about if you were taking care of someone else what you would recommend for them to do. Do that for YOURSELF.
I know it is difficult to motivate yourself to do anything when you are really depressed–believe me I KNOW. I knew at at the time, but I was just so depressed I didn’t care. I couldn’t focus at all, I couldn’t even read, I couldn’t write down a phone number all in one hearing, I had to do it 1 or 2 numbers at a time. I was so mentally DULL that I thought I had had a stroke or something. I’m better now, but it was a long haul of NO short term memory. I still have to make lists and read them over and over, but it is getting better.
So hang in there and keep on like you are doing, I think you are doing great!
I am constantly amazed at how many common threads there are not only in the S’s we discuss here, but also in us.
Both my parents were very critical and, Beverly, your connection of that with underestimating – and giving away too freely of – our talents and gifts was very reassuring. I think that’s part of what made me so vulnerable.
Henry, I remember that same feeling of not wanting to go away for any length of time from the S with whom I was involved either because it would leave him open to opportunities to pursue other women.
In fact, he told me as much. If my emotions hadn’t been so compromised by what felt like a persistent IV drip of toxins, my normal reaction would have been, “Good…go then!” Looking back, I see how my normal reaction of flight was completely neutralized.
And, I remember telling him – in a very confident and light-hearted moment when I thought we were okay- that I was tired of holding the rope and that I was going to let it go and just let him hang himself with it. We both laughed but he took advantage of that permission (or challenge) within a few weeks.
I had a dream during the time we were breaking up. An overhead voice, with some exasperation, said, “ok, that’s enough.” An angel came alongside me, put her hand on my back and turned me away from the S, guiding me towards a blazing furnace ahead of us. I innately knew it was a “good” fire, one that would cleanse me of all the junk, like BBQ grill drippings that needed to be burned off, and that I’d emerge cleaner and purer on the other side. It was only later that I would learn of the furnace and “going through the fire” found in the Bible.
At the same time, as I looked back at the S, he was sent spiraling downward, like a gingerbread man. I felt sad, but not pulled toward him. It felt like I was pulled from the edge before tumbling over with him and that we both were going on different paths.
I also had imagery in dreams of the S and his new girlfriend taking me outside the back door of a bar (even though neither of us go to bars) down some grimy stairs. He beat me up while she laughed. Motorcycle gang guys just watched and I was so pulverized I couldn’t get up until many dreams later and then only to prop myself up against a wall.
Another was one where he and I were ourselves, but as children, building a sandcastle on the beach. He went to get more water I thought but, when he came back, he kicked in my sandcastle as I watched in confusion. I then saw him walk back to help another girl build her sandcastle. I was left trying to repair mine but I didn’t have the same interest in it.
I wish I had kept a list of all the metaphors (I can only think of the fishing hook at the moment ) and the shared lessons we needed to learn that have been mentioned in the experiences here. It’s uncanny how many I have shared with those posted here.
Bev ox eyesopened, it is so good to talk too you about the real gritty things that happened. I have been wanting to express some of those thoughts and observation but have not wanted to embarass myself. thanks to all of you that have welcomed me here. It took me weeks to finally make my first post and ya’ll have helped me more than any therapist. preacher or friend. You have been there, done that… I keep a picture of my sister right above the computer, when I need her help I lite a candle by her. I told the x (p) that she was protecting me from him. I found the picture laid flat one nite, she intimadated him. He never did that again, what a scene that was!!!!! I think her smile is bigger in the pic than it has been for awhile….
Hey It’s me again the( blog pest) dont need a responce, just talkin at myself here. I read somwhere along time ago about SRS (severe rejection sensitivity) I have been rejected before, done my share of rejecting. Sometime’s I think I am the one with the disorder. CO Dependent fit’s me pretty well. Have always been kinda shy, my son said not long ago, Dad I have known you all my life and you do better as a hermit just get you a couple of buddy’s and stop worrying about him, you got burnt, get over it. I know and you all here know that it is more than gettin burnt. It’s about how they mirror you and become what you have always dreamed about. The inner beloved, the imaginary bf. I have no doubt’s he is a physcopath. Maybe I am being paid back for the time’s I rejected someone. Although I was upfront from the beginning, I still broke some heart’s. I have in my past met some very nice decent guy’s that were interested in me, but I was always more attracted to the guy’s with a ruff edge. (go figure) I keep recalling the last scene in the movie BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN where Ennis straightens up the shirt’s and say’s (Jack I swear), with tears in his eyes. I wonder if Mike will ever look back on his life and wish he had done thing’s differently? If I will ever bring a true tear to his eye…
I keep trying to determine the part of me that kept taking the crap. With my husband, I wanted him to want the whole picture. Then when he turned me out, the man who came into my life, I thought to replace my husband, just messed with my head so badly, that I didn’t know which way to turn. What I took from either one, I’d never take from anyone. Why was I such a willing participant in my own abuse? If I have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t speak up sooner. How could I have just kept taking it? I would defend someone else who was treated in such a shabby way, but thought I deserved it. Did I think this was my one and only chance at happiness? That was dumb thinking. There was no happiness.
Had I gotten with the man who insisted we were friends, my life would have been a horror story. I would have been on “Snapped”. He can turn a good meal sour by just one word. So why would I keep him coming back? Did I somehow think he was going to revert to the nice person he pretended to be in the beginning? It has to be some kind of mind control. And lack of boundaries. But I have great boundaries, but not with him. Or at least I didn’t. He has finally made it possible to make the no contact stick. It’s like throwing a dog a bone, and he keeps bringing me a dead body. There isn’t any life there. I kept thinking I could pump some life into his lifeless body. It’s not possible. I guess I just don’t want to think that I failed, but it wasn’t me. It was them. And all the ones who are being written about here. And they bring nothing, they leave nothing, but take lots with them when they leave. It’s like they stole the light from us, and it doesn’t shine for them, but they won’t give it back. We just have to find another source of Light. Too bad we can’t fast forward. But then we would be that much older and might miss a great part of this journey. I just hoped I’d have someone to share the ride. To be there at the end of the day, asking me how my day went. I’m met with silence. But I don’t have to be the court jester anymore, just to keep the other half amused.
Hi Apt/Mgr
I thought I had good boundaries, too, but he kept pushing them farther out and I kept extending them to places I would never have gone voluntarily and accepting situations I would never have done before.
Maybe it had to be so extreme so I would see that I had been conditioned by my mother to relinquish my boundaries under pressure. I would never have seen that except by unraveling all of this.
In my case, I think I learned that I had to “earn” the love that was given to me by my parents. It was always condtional. Strangely, and I haven’t figured this part out because it may be too metaphysical, but the way my parents treated me is the way I see many people, including the S, treating me.
I often feel that people think I’m invisible and find it easy to overlook my contributions or talents.
I never learned how to position myself or insist on that though in ways that I think “normal” people do; it wouldn’t have been tolerated It’s one of the holes in my foundation that I have to fix now; it just would have been so helpful to grow up with that and, I believe, would have made me less vulnerable to S’s.
And your light, Apt/Mgr? I think you know you still have your light. It may have been dimmed because he repositioned your inner spotlight from you to shine on him, but it’s still your spotlight. You just have to turn it up!
you cannot run away from weakness; you must fight it out or perish. and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand…..
Henry,
Recognizing your own strength is what we must do. I’ve probably said this before but when I was training calves to be oxen (which are just steers trained to work) I start with them when they are little and I am bigger and stronger than they are, and I convince them I am “god” and have total power over them. They never question this, and when they grow to over 2,000 pound each and could easily brush me off like a fly, they still believe I am “god” and stronger than they are. I can command then because they do NOT KNOW their strength.
I think some how, some way, the Ps are like the ox drover in that they “teach us” that they are more powerful than we are, and we don’t challenge them. I do know one thing about oxen and that is that if they EVER get the idea that they are more powerful than you are, you can never control them again.
I KNOW my power now, and I will NOT give it away to another person, P or non-P. I will not doubt myself ever again. I am STRONG and I will OVER COME the wounds. I will NOT give up.
Oxen are beasts of burden because they don’t know they have a choice, they are not like sled dogs that pull your burden out of love, not fear.
I now know that I have a CHOICE and I will exercise my choices. No one will ever yoke me with fear again.
Dear eyesopened,
I really like your analogy of my shining my light on him. That is really what it was all about. I never had anyone understand what I was going through. I, too, thought I had to earn love. That’s why I was so exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically, from all the years with my husband, to only come out so extremely vulnerable and find myself at the mercy of a man who just used me. I’m finding I like myself so much more and them a whole lot less. I could see how, without God’s intervention, a person’s love would turn to hate, being at the hands of one of these disordered people. To go through life imitating others has to be an empty existence. To pretend an illness to get attention, too, is pathetic. I’ve had all that done to me and more. My husband even faked a heart attack to get my attention. I quit jumping a long time ago. I say call me when the blood starts flowing.
It wouldn’t even be so bad if what I did mattered. In my situation I had no choice but to take the initiative. I was resented for that but someone had to step up to the plate. But it’s all water under the bridge and I just have to go with the flow no matter what. I just know I don’t want to be with another man who wants me to put him on a pedestal so I can worship him. I guess we are all older and wiser and found a way of escape. Pity the poor person who doesn’t know they have that escape. I didn’t for a long time. Now I do and I, too, have choices. And my boundaries are much stronger and higher than before. I don’t have to do something just because someone else thinks I should,and just because they throw me a couple of crumbs. I’m through thinking a half loaf is better than none. Why bother? I want equality and mutuality. That is hard to find. I’m deserving of no less and so is everyone here.