Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Dear Apt/Mgr,
Very good post (above) I have seen so much healing and growth in your posts and I am so happy for you. I know there will probably still be down days once in a while, but the ROAD IS UPWARD and that’s what counts. Validating ourselves is what it is all about, and not depending on the validation of anyone else.
Our search for ourselves, the part that is buried down there, can be a daunting one, but the courage that the people on this board have shown is remarkable to me, and encourages me every day that I am NOT alone, and that I CAN accomplish the healing, grow and become a better and stronger person than I have ever known. (((hugs to you)) and always prayers. Peace.
Dear OxDrover,
Thank you, too, for your insight. I would love to have you and all those here as my neighbor. It’s saddening that we have to find support from faceless people who have endured the same. I always had this desire to be a strong woman who could stand firm. I realize now that I really am that person. I was temporarily weakened, but my roots go deep because I didn’t topple. Like all here. Otherwise we’d have no story to tell.
I’ve always thought the most of what we go through is as much a spiritual battle as anything. Good vs evil. Our spirits fight each other. But I won’t put myself at the mercy of a man and endure just to have his presence. If all of him isn’t there, I don’t want a cheap imitation. I told a friend that once you get to be my age, the most of the men are aging lechers who have six hairs left on their head and try and cover the bald spots, plus they could have a disease from all their “conquests”. I’ve made it this far in life without a disease and intend to go the rest of the way.
I keep myself humble as far as thinking I’m so special in their eyes, by saying my body is no different than all the rest they’ve had. But it’s mine and my sexuality is mine, to do with as I choose and if I don’t want to give it away, I don’t have to. And just because I don’t use it, I won’t lose it. To me, sex is a by product of my love. That is the icing on the cake, but cake is still good by itself. And sex is still only as good as the relationship. I had a quote I read quite frequently that said, “Passion lasts for 3 months. Friendship endures for a lifetime”. I’ve observed so many who haven’t had a back up plan. They put so much emphasis on their bodies, that once “things” aren’t as firm as they use to be, they have nothing left. I don’t know what’s more pathetic than a man, or woman, too, for that matter, who is aging and still trying to be impressive. What use to come naturally, they now have to work at it. The looks start sliding, along with the hair and the rest, and they try harder to be appealing.
This ex-friend, who used to be very handsome, is a classic example. He’s 6’4” and carried himself so well. He used to wear clothes so well too.(He still wears clothes, but not like before!!) He really had it. That was his calling card. Now I see the real him, and see through all that he used to be. I don’t know if he thinks he Fabio, because he’s letting his hair grow real long, but his mustache is almost solid gray. And the scalp is showing and he’s losing it. But he thinks it’s still there. He’s 60 but I think in his mind, he’s not a day over 16. That, to me, is sad. I see so many just like that, who over the years, chased women, only to use them and throw them back. Now there’s no one around.They can’t run as fast to chase them, and they forget what to do once they catch them. They didn’t secure their future with any of them, because they only used them for the time being to satisfy their lusts at that moment. I see their bodies rebelling and they are walking more stooped, without a determined step. All because they lived for their selfish pleasures. I see what little life there was, dimming. Not a graceful decline.
I could picture all here, going about their everyday living, cleaning up after the storm and wondering just what happened, but picking up the pieces, putting them into the archives of their lives, and going out to make new memories. We can’t revive the past. How I wish I could have driven that point home to my husband. We could have had a merry life had he only walked the journey with me. He’s facing his past and I’m moving on. Alone. But then so is he and all the rest like him. It’s like they buried their spirits along with their dead relatives and keep grieving, but don’t know what they are grieving for. Grief is for a time, not a life time.
But I would love to work with you, OxDrover. I always loved farm animals and the harder the work the better. You sound like my kind of person. You didn’t wallow in the slop of someone else’s making, but took that slop and made soup!! I so respect strong people who rise above themselves and scale new heights. It’s all about growth. Putting away all those childish dreams and toys, the milk bottles and really getting down to the nitty gritty details of life. I like me so much better and how I thank God for hearing my cries all those years ago.
He never did leave me. He was just waiting for the right moment to do what He had to do to put a stop to the behavior. He knows I don’t like confrontations and such. He was able to do it to work in my favor. I was fortunate to not have to bring in a third party to negotiate. And for those who choose to not understand why I’m where I am, I say meet me at the Judgment. There they will know the why. But in the mean time, I have to work to take care of me and that’s a good thing. I love the words to a hymn that goes, ” I will go on. My past I leave behind me”. And those who chose to do me harm me, are in my past, but I’m in their’s too, only they didn’t achieve what they set out to do. I’m still standing.
First i have to say, I absolutely love and cherish this site, it has helped me, as well as others, Heel enormously.
having been the victim of what i’ve now come to know as the living ghost, I only wish i had some sort of clue, as to what the condition was about, Prior to having my spirit damaged.
and after reading, post after post, it’s very unsettling to realize, How similar all of these people act.
as saccarin sweet as they come off as being, they almost always behave, in a very similar fashion.
Here is where my point is leading
Since most Paths behave in this VERY similar fashion, and since most of us are relatively new to the Sickness, Does anyone have any Longterm experience with what lies ahead in the twilight years of a Sociopath?
as unique as we had made them out to be, I get this feeling like they all tend to drive on the same path of oblivion.
and with the help of this site, And a few others, many paths have claimed Tremendous bursts of SHAME, which comes and goes in Periodic Moments of Clarity.{ As they age, Supposedly, From what i’ve heard, this shame doesn’t involve any Particular Person or situation, but rather they’re own behaviour and lack of fullfillment}
Becoming suicidal?…Or simply continue to Con new victims
Any long term experiences out there as to what occured later in a path’s life?
Extremes: Hitler killed himself…and famously claimed Germany failed to live up to him.
My best guess: nomadic f—ing around until they physically can’t anymore then sponge off the last poor soul to take them in. Some have family manipulated to do this already…they are very smart about setting themselves up…
It’s a shallow existence involving f–ing people over, projection, duping delight and game palying. Just rinse and repeat add gray hair, physical limitation you have a psycho. Maybe more resentment b/c they don’t LOOK as good…
I can’t say for sure what kind of life my x (P) will have, he is 42 and left with his life possesion’s in a few carboard boxe’s, had no sentimental possesion’s at all, he went through the photograph’s I had taken and took his, not one picture of me did he take. And he left here much better off then when he tripped and fell in my lap. I suspect the lower class physcopaths, are only worried about today and don’t put much thought into tomorrow. In my x (P’s) case I think he think’s his penis is his ticket to the world………
They end in various ways–some in prison, some at a rescue mission for winos, some living on the street, some with their families waiting til they die so they can get their hands on the $$$$—by the time most of the long-times that I have known pass on to what I hope is their “just rewards” they don’t have many friends or family that care much about THEM, because they have used and abused anyone who ever loved them.
My P-bio-father had 4 kids, and 3 of us haven’t had anything to do with him in a looooong time, the 4th and youngest son apparently thinks like dear old dad, and thinks dad is so wonderful, and…he got all the money. LOL
So I don’t think the end if they live long enough is very warm and fuzzy with respect and folks who love them….how could it be?
Me too, Henry. All the same stuff. My ex returned everything i gave him, infact he put alot of it in the dustbin – with me. The first time he did that I was really shocked. I challenged him about something he said, he walked out, the next day I found my gifts in a bag on my doorstep – ‘that’s harsh’ I thought, he did that many times. I spent hours stroking his back so he could sleep, when I asked for a back rub, he declined. And the same with his bodypart, he bragged about that so much it was sickening. For a 41 yr man who has worked for 20+ years, his life is a bicycle, a cat, and about 3 boxes of possessions, nothing else. I used to say to him, if you really loved me you would value me, but you act like you are the prize!! Does that all sound familiar Henry??
I can add to that list, Henry. No drivers licence, no passport, no money. He lives paycheck to paycheck, no roots and he ‘rents’ a family member’s flat which is a state owned flat, which that family member is not supposed to rent out but it gives him leaway not to pay her rent and apart from him, none of his family work, they are all on disability benefit, and they all borrow small amounts of money from each other, which I thought for a man of 41 is very demeaning and then when he had loaned his sister money and he was out of pocket, he started coming to me, and his family wanted to use my car as a taxi service. You and I Henry deserve much better partners than them. We DID know at the back of our minds at the beginning, that they were ‘losers’ but we were lonely and welcomed their company, that is why we gave and gave. But in the longterm we were not prepared to put up with the poor behaviour that went with them and that is the best thing, that ultimately we have not allowed ourselves to be sold out, as painful as it was.
That was how I rationalised my exNarcissist, as being a guy with rough edges! Those rough edges were not harmless though. I would not consider myself shy, but I am quite a private person with a small group of good friends – and they supported me greatly through my cancer treatment. For met I realise that in a way being a private person, can be like putting your head down, its not really putting myself ‘out there’, in a sense it is like feeling that I have been tainted and am not quite good enough. Both my parents were narcissists and my mother also had schizophrenia and was very manipulative and controlling towards me (but not to my brother). So somewhere in that, we have been fed some bad messages about ourselves.
I lept the cliff in 1995 and I lost alot of money on a bad property deal which almost left me homeless, but I clawed my way back up and the only place I could afford was in a really troubled area. So I am coming to the same point I was at in 95 and my soul wants to move forward but I am afraid of leaping the cliff like I did before, incase I lose out again.
But Henry, I have decided not to keep my head down anymore, I have done enough of that living here. So I have decided to leap the cliff again, perhaps with a better parachute. We have the start of a recession here in the UK and although I have had my house for sale since Sept last year, there is very little movement in house sales, so I have decided to get a better life for myself, an all round life, that doesnt just include having ONE significant person in my life. I am going to spread my eggs around different baskets and I have decided to rent my house out and rent a house by the sea. I am going to give notice to quit on my job and I will be leaving my daughter and my friends behind. But I figure that in a nicer place, my mental space will be better, I can commune with nature more and do more and expand my creativity and feel more joy and contentment in myself and therefore I wont actually ‘need’ someone to fill any gaps in myself. If good people are drawn to me, so much the better. I just dont want to make myself a target for deadbeats anymore, the last one was just too painful and I had cancer following that. I was always a person who was kind a compassionate to those in need, but on the romantic front I will not ever pick up a ‘poor puppy dog’ type again, it took far too much from me.
How do we move past the anger and the hate. It didn’t take long fo rme to move past the hurt. A therapist helped me realize very early after my ex husband left me that he indeed was at least S/N. He said that his behavior proved it. I didn’t slam my ex when I visited my therapist–I told the truth about his bizzare behavior. It was quite simple: he was very charming, sweet and sensitive and boyish. However, he was also very irresponsible and immature. He was the “perfect” husband when it came to flattering me, declaring that I was the love of his life and couldn’t seem to get enough of me. He told me repeatedly that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. This is the role he played consistently for nearly 8 years. I spoke very highly of him and his goodness despite what I thought was his “bad luck” when it came to holding down a steady job.
When he suddenly announced that he was leaving me to try to make it on his own–I was hurt and surprised beyond belief! He stayed in my household 3 weeks after he announced that he was leaving me. He was Jekyl one day and Hyde the next. I didn’t feel that I knew the person he had become. He would tell me how much he loved me and was going to miss me and then make love to me, and immediately afterwards tell me that he had NO feelings for me. I granted him nearly every sexual favor under the sun during those three weeks–I was trying to save my marriage. Then, the truth finally surfaced about the younger woman. That is when I told him that he had to leave and he HAD to leave right then!
After he left, friends and family came forward to tell me of his evilness–how he had stalked my best friend’s daughter and came on to every woman in the neighborhood. How he had had sexual encounters with known crack addicts, 17 year olds, women who didn’t have a tooth in their heads, and women in excess of 60 years old! I’m a very attractive and classy woman–or so I’m told. They informed me that this was who he had always been–long before he ever met me! I could not understand how a man could have been doing these things and then come home and be the perfect loving husband! Trying to understand nearly blew my mind so I sought the guidance of a family counselor. I told him the same story that I just wrote and he didn’t hesitate to tell me that my ex husband is a classic sociopath who will never change. That is the moment that I realized the last 8 years of my life and the man in it was never “real”, and there was nothing to grieve or hurt for. That is also the moment that I grew VERY angry and the love I once felt for the fake person turned to hatred. I’ve NEVER hated anyone but I hate him with everything in me! I want to see him punished. I wouldn’t love to see another man bitch slap him to the ground and watch him cry like a baby–he’s the biggest coward I’ve ever known–however, his cowardice never stopped him from taking huge risks by hitting on and sometimes scoring with other men’s girlfriends, wives and young daughters! He also has a history of sexually harassing women that he encounters in the workplace.
I feel as though I have been emotionally, financially and sexually raped. And, now, I’m losing my home. A home that I had prior to the marriage but stupidly took a second mortgage on in order to buy him things that he wanted–classic trucks, a music studio, new drum sets, PA equipment for his band, etc.
I also saved his man’s life. Literally. He would have died if I had not been there and known what to do as well as providing health insurance for him when he was stricken with an illness that left him hanging between life and death and in a coma for two weeks. He later told me that I was his angel. He’d never had health insurance or someone that would have had enough sense to realize that he had more than the flu as the doctors had diagnosed–I pushed and took him to every doctor under the sun until he was diagnosed correctly with infectioness pericarditis. I’m not trying to be a martyr…just explaining how evil these people can be.
Will we hate them forever? Will we spend the rest of our lives wanting to see them suffer?