Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
yes I will mail it back address unknown, don’t need anymore bad karma, was really trying to be humorous…
Well Done Henry – you know it makes sense.
Hi Beverly
I’ll second that. I’ve just read a few of her pieces since you suggested it and they were excellent. Okay, so now is the S I was with really a N? I can’t tell. Maybe I should stick to thinking of the whole group as cluster B’s and let it be.
I can’t believe I’m talking about N’s, S’s and cluster B’s…a whole new world for me. I wish I was put in the position of being compelled to learn about the world of chocolate cupcakes with frosting and ice cream.
Henry
I knew you weren’t really thinking of doing it 🙂
Ok…now we can all wish that, after you send, the check really does get lost!
Ha. Eyesopened – Cluster Bs?!? Yes, chocolate cupcakes would be far nicer. This time a year ago, I knew nothing about Personality Disorders, now I know quite alot, I think. But yes, just returning to cupcakes mmmmmmm!!
Eyesopened. Ha ha. I like your humour – with a twist.
Yummmy!..Eyesopened…haha. Any discussion of chocolate is a superb distraction for me. And on top of cupcakes/cakes in general leaves me wistfully dreaming….ahh
Oh, thanks Bev for mentioning Melanie’s website. It is now saved as a bookmark and I will read it when I can. If I’ve learned anything regarding Personality disordered individuals is that I can never learn enough. And also staying in touch with myself, being there for me is very important. That was a brand new concept for me to discover and now I celebrate it wholeheartedly! Yay me! Yay you lovely ladies and gents! ***HUGGS***
Hello Gang, WOW, Where do I begin with this post.. My 31 yr. old son just left here, it has been an emotional evening. He has been brooding and quite for month’s, he hold’s thing’s in, he couldn’t hold it any longer. He asked what is going on Dad? What are you hiding from us? Is there someting you need to tell me? You have’nt been Dad in month’s. You have lost weight, you look terrible, what is going on? He was in tear’s, say’s everybody is concernd and have noticed a big change. I told him it was the Mike (P) thing, and alot of depression and anxiety and that I think I have a grip on it, now that I understand what has taken place over the past few years.” Just get over that mother f — Dad, you got burned, we knew he was bad new’s when he came here, where is he? I am going to kick his mf ass. We miss you dad we love you Dad, we want you back..” .I tryed to explain the effect’s of living with a sociopath, wanted to show him some literature. He said just stop reading all that crap and get off the computer and start living again, you know what happened get over it. I feel so frikkin bad that I have let this affect my son , why did I let this happen? Why can’t I get over it? What power did the (P) have over me that has gotten me to this point? I told my son I was dealing with alot of issue’s that I have not dealt with, that I am going to grow from this. BUT the real issue I have with myself is I knew what was going on and turned a blind eye and lived in absolute HELL with the (P). He took over my reasoning, he undermined my reality, he ruined me financially, and he just packed up his shit and walked away. No guilt, no remorse, no fuckin nothin. I guess this is a big wake up call for me. I let the bastard (P) bring me down, I won’t let him bring the joy of my life down. This is the start of my recovery, from here on out I will improve, I will get my strength and energy back. I have got my power back (MIKE) (P) don’t fuck with me ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Henry,
Yea, it effects every part of our lives. But I think your son, while he may not understand how badly you got burned, or the old issues that you have to deal with, (it is so hard for others to understand how BIG a hit we have taken) Just reassure him that you ARE going to be okay and that you are on the ROAD TO HEALING and that you love him, and are coming back in a “new and improved version”—
Yes, GET MAD! Tell the P OFF! that’s also a step on the path, you won’t be there forever in the angry mode, it will come and go, but it is a GOOD part of the grief and healing!
(((hugs))
BTW, I got back from the auction (got some nice bargains and saw some friends) and GUESS WHO should show up but my X-DIL and her new BF—I thought he looked familiar! He is a regular at the auction. He isn’t much of a “prize” but I guess that she had to have somewhere to go since after kicked out of her former living space on to the street she didn’t have much choice.
Also, the only way she could have met him is on the internet! LOL Boy did HE GET A BARGAIN! LOL
I vented to my friend on the way up there and back. He is such a sweet man. Anyway, venting some and getting out and seeing some of my friends that usually come to the auction was nice, some I hadn’t seen in a while. Making jokes and just doing something different from yesterday, it was good. I didn’t expect the DIL to show up, but it didn’t bum me out too bad. It wasn’t like she showed up in a flashy new car or a mink coat, or that she looked all that good, but getting out was great. I’lll get my “composure” back pretty soon. I think the worst part of it was realizing (again) that my own mother has no real love or affection or respect for me, and won’t even pretend to have remorse, much less have any real remorse. I realize that even if she DID act like she had remorse, and admitted what she had done, apologized for the intense hurt, etc. tried to make amends, that I STILL COULDN’T TRUST HER, EVER AGAIN. (sigh) What a waste! But it isn’t anything I can fix, any more than I can fix my P-son.
My other son C called me tonight and we had a long conversation when I got back from the auction, a really deep and meaningful conversation. He has been to this site and read and learned and is coming to grips with his own grief and loss, both of his brother and his X-wife, but also in realizing that his grandmother (my other) is severely flawed and that she is not the trustworthy “saint” that he always supposed that she was.
We talked about my feelings that my “little boy” (his brother) that I dearlly loved is “dead” and the MAN that is in prison is a total stranger to us, not that wonderful little boy. That no one came to the “funeral”–and he said something that was I thought pretty appropo (however that word is spelled!?!) that
“there is more than ONE KIND OF DEATH.”
Unfortunately, society doesn’t recognize the different varieties of “death”—and losing a family member to “psychopathic death” is just as traumatic or more so as losing one in a plane crash or car wreck or to cancer—only the animated body keeps on breathing, and in some cases trying to “infect you” with the disease that killed them. Like some kind of living specter.
I’ve seen family members of brain dead patients hang on to the unrealistic hope that their loved one would “wake up” and be back for them. I think sometimes we keep the “relationship” on “emotional life support” long after we recognize that it is DEAD and ROTTEN. Unwilling to “pull the plug” and relinquish our malignant hope that some how, some way it can be brought back to life.
Thank you all for being here for me, and for my son C as well. I can tell by talking to him tonight that he has learned a great deal from this web site. I am really proud of him, and so glad that the living DEAD are out of his and our lives. We may see the ghosts from time to time, or see the animaited corpses walking, but they can’t harm us if we don’t let them.
Hi everyone. I don’t believe that we truly leave the psycho’s out of our lives. They do come in all shapes and sizes, different packaging. Just when we think we’ve narrowed it down and figure them out, whammo, they come up with a bigger and better mouse trap to fool us. I told Beverly a few weeks back that they are attracted to our light. I firmly believe that. Our light is what God gives us each and every time we go down a righteous path and learn lessons at that fork in the road. For each lesson learned, we add new tools to our tool belt of life. Each tool we collect adds LIGHT to our beings. Anti-social personalities do not go down righteous paths. Oh, maybe one or two steps on a righteous path, then they are compelled to jump off the path and Do Their Own Thing all the time. Anyway, nothing learned doing their own thing except building on their ego. Building from one’s ego is not God’s way of living righteously. God gives us specific directives for guiding our lives down on earth. If we do not follow those directives and branch off onto something else (our own egos), that’s exactly what we get … a bunch of our own ego, no rhyme nor reasons. Anti-socials are attracted to our light. They want the light. Except, we can only share what we’ve gained in life, we can never give it over to another. That’s what the anti-social doesn’t understand. They get attracted to us because of our light shinning through, the anti-social thinks if they get hooked up with us, they are all set. We, on the other hand are just thinking … “oh, how nice, what a nice person to start a new life with”. Never understanding their frustrations that they want our light and they get angry and frustrated with us that our light isn’t going into them, isn’t making them glow, they don’t feel any differently. Long story short. We can’t give our light away. They don’t understand that concept. They just want the light and do not understand that they too can get God’s light if they start walking the righteous paths in life. Except, they want a quick fix. They instantaneously want the light shining in them. They don’t want to take the time to walk a righteous path, step by step, learn the lessons, gain the wisdom, gain God’s light and then come to the next fork in the road to take the righteous path again and do/learn/gain wisdom/light all over again. But, there is no other way than to take a righteous path, step, by step. It’s small steps. Not giant leaps that anti-socials’ egos think they want.
Luke 23: 34
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
Like I mentioned the last time I wrote, reading “A New Earth” by Tolle will help you get through the difficult stages we find ourselves after these characters destroy our lives. I love Tolle’s instructions about being still, go silent, quiet our minds, talk with the Holy Spirit. To be renewed again and to be the best that God wants us to be. After Tolle gets you back on the track to healing, then we can read our Bible with new eyes/heart/mind/souls. It’s incredible to be light in heart and compassionate again.