Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Shell Shock
I forget you where you commented, but I hope you find this. I was reading more of the site that Beverly recommended earlier about Melanie Tonia Evans and I found this page there that might be very helpful to you right now….and, of course, anyone else, too. It’s about obsessive relationships/relationship addiction.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com.au/articles/relationship-addiction.htm
I found myself in, of all places, an addictive relationship when I was exposed to an S (or N or Cluster B or whatever he was) and I was caught off balance again and I don’t have an addictive personality. It totally blindsided me.
I assumed he was the one with the problem; after all, I wasn’t the one going around hurting people.
But there are two sides to this coin unfortunately: one points to him/her and the other to us. The upside is that we will be handed this discovery and learn to change for the better; the other upside (the little gift to those awaiting karma to strike in this lifetime ) is that they won’t.
By the way, taking a cue from Wini’s comment just above, I also found another site that looks helpful especially for those of us who believe in God and the Bible. It’s for adult daughters of controlling or abusive parents. I haven’t read all of it yet, but I think it would be might begood for guys, too.( And, for those of who believe in the power of prayer warriors, there’s even a prayer chain!)
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548
If these links don’t work, it’s my fault. I might not have this link-thing down but you can go directly to the sites themselves and navigate once you’re on there.
Thanks, Beverly for the website tip!
I just want to go on record here once and for all.
Contrary to the evidence above, I do not go around mixing up sentences like I did in the last comment.
I change things around in the text box, hit preview, read it, make some more changes and then something really strange happens – words go missing, others are mixed up…
So, I’ll fall on my sword here, thank you for overlooking it and let it go….
Dear Wini, I listened to the webcasts on Tolle’s book and have started reading it. I have many books, some on Sufi spiritual philosophy and they are actually broadly similar in content to Tolle’s book. Tolle, however, has a very good way of re-framing the advice and thus giving those aha moments. I was staggered to learn that Tolle is 60 yrs old! I always enjoy reading your posts Wini and the whole experience is the discover our completeness – and do whatever it takes to uncover that divinity within.
Shellshock, et al,
There is an old joke about “what do you call a physician who finished LAST in his medical school class?”–OF COURSE, DOCTOR!
Just like there are people who are “better” at their job than others in any field, there are “shrinks” and therapists who are better than others, there are some who are wonderful, and there are some therapists who are PSYCHOPATHS, and other disordered personalities. Believe me, I worked in an office where the administrator was a BPD therapist with a PHD. That’s PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER—LOL
After she went into a RAGE at me one day, I resigned that afternoon. Whicn, incidentally was not what she wanted, she just wanted to let me KNOW who was IN CHARGE there and I found out later (I had been warned before and failed to listen) that she had done that number with EVERY other person in the office, but they were in positions where they needed their jobs and couldn’t resign. Fortunately I was in a position to get the heck out of “Dodge” and not take any more of her attacks.
It is difficult to find a therapist who does “get it” even if you don’t get one of the BPDs or other disordered therapists. A good therapist is a wonderful thing to have, they bring a new focus to us, but a poor one can exacerbate our problems big time.
Shellshock,
There are several ads on the internet that purport to be places that you can “post” but I am not sure if they name names or not as I have not visited them. Liable laws vary from state to state and people can “sue” you for the color of your hair if they want, and can find a lawyer to take their money and you have to defend yourself.
I’m not sure if such “warnings” would do any good anyway. In the US at least people are SUPPOSED to be “innocent” of any crimes until convicted by a court of law, so “naming names” might get you in trouble unless you had DOCUMENTS to prove you were right. Truth is a defense against “slander” or “liable” but it is up to YOU to PROVE what you say is true if they sue. I am kind of gun shy about being sued, but at the same time I don’t think it would make me “feel” any better to post their names and photos on the web.
On this site, the postings naming names are of people who are convicted by a court of law or the details of the accusations in public media, so there is nothing they can sue about.
It isn’t even against the law in most places to cheat on your spouse or lie to your spouse, and financial fraud involving “gifts” is difficult to prove. I spent a great deal of legal fees trying to prove my mother was incompetent because she was housing and giving money to a known sexual offender ex-convict as her live-in-primary-care-giver, I did get him temporarily tossed out of her house by the judge, but her attorney fought like a banshee to guarantee her RIGHT to have this man in her house if that was what she wanted—the psychopath also went to great lengths to help her avoid a mental status examination which at that time I know she would have flunked because he had her drugged with benzodiazepines (Valium like medications) she slurred her words and could hardly stand–much less make logical decisions.
Publishing PUBLIC RECORDS is not against the law, so posting someone’s criminal record on the Internet is not liable, it is truth. But other than that, you might be on shaky ground.
Also, psychopaths are known to be VINDICTIVE so there is that aspect too. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out ‘Who” posted what and even if they don’t know for SURE it is you, it might “wound” them enough that they would take revenge on you. Some of them are capable of some powerful and damaging revenge–believe me, I KNOW personally.
This post struck an emotional nerve with me and I felt like I could have written what was written at the beginning of the post. I have gone through feelings of anger, rage, sadness, depression, anxiety, insanity, worthlessness, etc etc… the list goes on and on and I am here by myself dealing with this. I try to connect to other people around me and explain to them what is going on and everyone seems to brush it aside or they are so sick of hearing me cry and talk and honestly I can’t blame them. But all of this doesn’t make it any easier. And to make it even worse I am started to question everything and have trust issues even with myself. I don’t know if I can even trust myself enough to stay away from him but its been over a week with no contact on my side. I am alone in this battle and this is the ultimate test of strength and character and I wan to know that there is something worth fighting for at the other side. I need to know.
Trinity You are not alone. You have lovefraud peeps to help you with this. We all have gone through and are going through what you are going through now. Just re-read your own post and listen to what you are saying. anger? depression? anxiety? insanity? worthlessness etc etc. You are just at one week NC. It does get better – and you will be so much better than you are now -even better than before you met him. This is a Life Lesson -Don’t fail it… you cant go around the pain or under it or over it -you have to go through it and learn from this and learn about you. It s going to be a difficult time – there is no turn off switch for a broken heart. You have to mend your heart and it will take time -hang in there…..
Hi Henry, thank you for your message. I would really like to think of myself as being able to get through this and being in a healthy relationship and surrounded by kind people. Its weird, after being with my sociopath I actually feel as if I couldn’t function in a relationship or dating at all… I don’t even want anyone to touch me because I wouldn’t know how to act. I feel like my abilites to cope and deal and function as a “normal” person is gone or at least lost at the moment. But with all that said I do feel lonely sometimes and depressed. I want all the good things in life but I know first I must not fail this “test” and I need to heal before I can do anything else. I wish there was a handbook on how to heal yourself but than I guess life wouldn’t be what it is, huh? Thanks again and yes, this site has been great.
Beverly-
I am relting to your post from June 5, around 3am.
“Up until recently I never considered myself to be an abused child, because neither of my parents hit me, (although my mother attacked me when she was in the worst part of her schizophrenia). But I realise that by abandonment and neglect and criticism, I have been quite abused. I always felt really alone and was prey to other abusers.”
I can completely relate to that statement. I was abused through means of neglect. And I relate to the types of men that I die for attention from, and who treat me like I am nothing to them.
I am recommending the book “The Emotionally Abused Woman” by Beverly Engel. (Coincidence, or did you write it, LOL)?
Your jaw will drop when you read the first few chapters. The author also talks about her own abusive relationship with her mother when she was a child, and she talks about the specific types of emotionally abused women-such as neglected and abandonment, and how it relates to her relationship with her parents when she was a child. It sounded like you could have quoted her words, so I think you will really relate to the book.
Just some food for thought! 🙂
I am going through these feeling of anger and rage right now and I don’t know what to do with them. I understand that it’s an emotion and needs to be worked through and expressed, but I don’t understand the need to do it physically. I also can’t do that and it’s making it worse (the built up rage), I think.
I was physically abused by the ex Narcissist/Sociopath who I was in love with and I was also physically abused years ago by my Psychopath mother. I am a very gentle non-violent person and expressing anger physically feels monster-like to me and reminds me too much of abusers.
I don’t know how to get rid of the anger then. I can’t go into a room and scream my head off to get it out. I am living indefinitely with family until I can get my own home again. Also, screaming (although it might release tension and anger), triggers me. The ex used to rage at me for hours and hours.
Right now absolute silence is like bliss and a solace to me.
So, how do I go through this??? My only outlet is fantasies about him getting his just karma..violent revenge fantasies like some huge guy beating the shit out of him and asking him how he likes it…stuff like that..or going over and over again in my mind the times he abused me and instead of my cowering and trying to appease him or crying, I think about ways I could have instead violently hurt him back the way he hurt me, which is ridiculous because he physically could have killed me. But anyways, that’s what I think about when I get enraged. I know this is probably normal, but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing me any good.