Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Yay!
What a relief. I live seeing the psycho regularly- and no such luck they leave. I have thought about changing my entire life,but it seems like such a concession though I might find a change liberating.I don’t know.
I wish I didn’t have to even consider moving b/c of a sociopath.
It’s a baby boy and he is due the second week of July:)
Hi,
It’s been a while, but I have kind of kept up to date. I thought of changing my name to “Weepnomore”, as life has gotten somewhat better, as far as healing and moving on is concerned. It’s like I woke up one day, and something was missing. I realized that I didn’t hurt as much. I would have a reality check, but I didn’t have the pain associated with it. I read somewhere that if you can recall and it doesn’t hurt, you have healed. I think I’ve made it.
If I miss anything it’s the idea of a relationship. I can’t miss the abuse and the duplicitous lifestyle. And I found that by pining my hope on a mere man, I was setting myself up for a fall. I couldn’t be what he wanted, but he wasn’t willing to even try to be something for me. Reading all these stories kind of picks the scab off, but I don’t bleed anymore. If anything I bleed for the new ones posting and I wish I could take some of the pain until they are able to move on to this place. Something finally died in me and I don’t care anymore, and I don’t care that I don’t care. I haven’t shut up my “bowels of compassion”, but I would be the inept one to keep going back.
Since I last wrote, the man who came into my life wanting us to be friends and the one I truly believed was “sent” to me, has shown his true colors. I have uncovered so much about his lifestyle that it makes me sick to think I almost believed him. I guess we all have the idea that we are the one to finally help him change and our love will do the trick. That no one can love him like I can. Boy I sure fell off the turnip truck on that one.
I found out that when he had a construction business many years ago, the DA’s wife fronted it in exchange for sex. That was why he suggested we do the same with the money he owed me. That was his m.o. but I didn’t want to believe it. I found out yesterday that he apparently is still seeing her and she is probably still paying his bills. And I really believed I loved him. But he used every word out of my mouth against me to his advantage. I’m so turned off by him that now I wonder what I ever did see.
The part that has always bothered me was knowing how he lived and didn’t see anything wrong with it, but after reading all these posts I see that’s typical. What a sad commentary for a life lived.
But getting out means I no longer have to hear lies, half-truths which to me are whole lies, vague answers, etc. He’s now 60 and still playing his stupid little boy games. Again, I see the same thing here. I just never thought I’d end up being one of them. I wanted to do my life differently and here I am, with a story too. I think I’m more upset with me than him, for not seeing and believing without doing more checking. I sure have learned my lesson. I will proceed with caution in all areas. I don’t like the negative emotions he evoked and I just won’t go there. I sure feel so much better. Time really does heal all wounds and sometimes wounds all heels!
I found this web site some time ago, and it provided some insight into what I was going through at the time and started the healing process too.http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH/betweendevalueanddiscard.msnw
It has a lot of good reading and questions and answers on pertaining to all that is spoken of here.
But it sure is good to be on this side of the awful. I wouldn’t want to got through it again, but because I did, I’m much better off now than before. It helped me reach the level of independence I needed to survive for me. Instead of being broken and controlled, I was set free. I can only wish that for those just starting on that long road. I can’t describe the happenings to just anyone. But everyone here knows and we could tell each other’s story. I only ever wanted tradition and I got major dysfunction.
Good luck to all and blessings for a healed mind, heart and soul.
Hey, Apt/Mgr, I was just thinking about you in my reply to Southernman. How you doing? Good to see you much healed. Bless you Apt/Mgr, I remember you as one of the main people on here, when I first came on this site. (((Hugs)))
TrishNJ
“I miss people of my past”. But if they cannot be truly honorable I can’t be around them anymore. I can’t even take the small losses in life anymore”
I know what you mean. There were some dysfunctional relationships that I needed to walk away from. Some of them very special people in my life. It’s like once you learn about what a toxic relationship consist of you began to see how for many years now. That we have allow ourselves to be used emotionally and mentally. I know how I started to see my own accountability in these dysfunctional relationships; one sorry to say is my own sister. Before learning about boundaries, I never knew just how many times my own sister violated my personal space and boundaries. Even when (this one was the last straw) I told her how much better I felt and came to understand about my ex and how I came to forgive her (ex). My sister’s reply was. No, I don’t believe that, because I can hear it in your voice! What? After the phone call I asked myself. Where was my validation? Where is my emotional support from my sister? And why? Does she believe that she (sister) knows me better then I know myself? I really can’t tell you just how much her reply hurt me. A week later I told my sister how I felt about our relationship and guess what? Her reply was that she is “done with me”. LOL! Great why? Because so many times has she pull out this “done with me” card. I now know that she knows just how much this statement hurts me. So many times before I told her I was sorry (many times I didn’t even know what I was sorry about). Well this time she IS “done with me”. Because I will hold her to her word! I am sorry that she is “done with me” but I can’t do anything about that because I can only be responsible for my actions/choices and never for the choices/actions of others. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn, but one I have come to learn well!
southernman429
“hope that all of you can eventually feel this feeling of release of fear. This is so big for me”.. smiles”. baby steps, yes, but this was a leap.”
Yes I do know how that feels..
I call it my buffer zone (miles apart from them)
And how great it feels! Oh lord, how great it feels!
“bird says:
It’s a baby boy and he is due the second week of July:)”
Great New!
Cool! Both of my sons are born in July!
I have just had a horrible shock! I went on the website suggested by Apt/Mgr and was reading an article that describes my mother perfectly as Narcissistic too. I knew that my father was Narcissistic, and my mother had schizophrenia, but I never reckoned on finding out that her narcissistic behaviour is what ruined my self worth and self esteem, I just thought she suffered from mental illness. I could just cry, they have both ruined my life and I have grown up for the past 55 years thinking it is all my fault.!!!! I feel really upset and angry now.
I have had years of therapy on and off and NOT ONE therapist has ever diagnosed my parents as a Narcissist. Even my brother (deemed as the the golden child by my mother) who is a high flying pschotherapist does not realise that my mother is a Narcissist. I have finally uncovered the key to my past and I would not have found it, unless I had the encounter with the N and came here.
Many years ago I bought a book by Victoria Secunda ‘Why you and your mother cant be friends’ and I wrote lots of notes in it about how my mother treated me, what she said, how she devalued me against my brother and how she denied it all etc etc. When I went on the MSN website I saw the article about Narcissistic Mothers and I nearly skipped past it, thinking that my mother wasnt a Narcissist, then I thought I would read it – and as I started reading through the article, almost every explanation ties in with my notes. Just as I thought I had got to grips with all the shocks I have had over the last year, this has been a secret for all this time.