Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Ican, thanks for writing back.
Everything you wrote sounds good. I’m so behind you.
Kathy
Donna,
I just sent the ‘why it’s so bad’ section of your article to a good friend.
I know he finds the whole thing incomprehensible and I think this is written in an ’emotional key’ that he will be comfortable with.
I hope it helps.
I am tired of being alone in this in my 3D life.
Eventhough I know my ex is a sociopath I am questioning certain things. Can someone shed some insights.
– I filed for the divorce and was able to get him out of the house on a DV charge. — Initially happy and relieved to fight him in the court and get him out but now struggling alot.
When I read these blogs I see most people saying their S/P comes back for them and their ex is the one left. Mine didn’t want to leave and he stayed in the house and became more vendictive and abusive.
I question why my S/p wants nothing to do with me or doesn’t contact me at all. – THIS BOTHERS ME. Is there something wrong with me? I almost feel that if he was trying to contact me I would have an easier time ignoring him and feel a bit better. Knowing he doesn’t contact me makes me ANGRY and SAD and think that he really isn’t bothered about this.
He also didn’t speak to our older daughter for 2 years and emotionally abused her, but now he acts like he misses her so much and wants to see her all the time. (Not sure if this is his routine when he is bored and dont have anyone else to hang out with) — Is this is expected behaviour of a sociopath with their kids? Ofcourse he doesn’t want to support them financially with anything. I just feel like mine S/P was so vendictive and secretive that I can never figure out anything he does or thinks which keeps me thinking about trying to figure him out more and more.
Happy Spath -free New Year everone on LF! Not sure how I feel right now–,-to explain. My spath daughters ex husband was supposed to bring the 3 kids over at Xmas or new Year. I didnt hear from him, so I guessed he was no longer planning to rent a cottage at a lovely beach near to us. So, after our Iranian “kids” had stayed overnight on N.Y eve, I left with them on NY day, to check out their new tiny flat.{condo}. I booked myself into a B&B near them,-expensive as it was N.Year, but what the hell. On sat.,2nd jan, I rang home, my S.In law had rung the previous day, wanting to bring the kids over! So I missed them all! Never mind, well see them in a few weeks, and I posted their xmas gifts to them. SIL sent me some great Holiday pics, via email. A few years ago Id have felt sorry for my spath D. Not now, can it be said I feel a kind of quiet satisfaction she is getting her “dues’? The irony seems to escape her. She is couch surfing while her ex girl friend,Nic, is happily on Holiday with HER{Ds} husband[still not divorced after almost 4 years},HER kids, {being lovingly cuddled by Nic,in th opics,}}then they asked D. to baby sit her own kids in her exs house while Kev, the ex, takes Nic to her new flat, moves her in with all her stuff,stays 2 nights, then goes hometo the kids. D. has lost several great jobs, her home, her ex, her Mum, her kids, good friends, her credit rating, her car,I feel she is in a downward spiral to nowhere. Cant she see what she has so carelessly chucked away? Doesnt she care?I care less and less as time goes by. Im enjoying my spath free life with people who truly care about me. I am weeding my rolodex too, Oxy! And guess what? It feels dam good! TOWANDA!! Hi, 5 guys!We are winning!Stay strong Witty, call on your inner spath! Love, and {{HUGS!!}}} Gem.XXX
wanttomoveon,
hi, looks like we are the last two standing tonight. 🙂
i’ll try to address each of your concerns to the best of my ability.
First, have you read the Betrayal Bond? It will give more understanding into the push/pull dynamic within you about the s.
Now, know that I know exactly what you mean – but LOOK at the insanity of this: ‘I question why my S/p wants nothing to do with me or doesn’t contact me at all. ”“ THIS BOTHERS ME. Is there something wrong with me?’ You are BLESSED BY HIS ABSENCE. Right?! You should be so lucky that he NEVER comes back.
They come, they go – you see what he is doing to your daughter – using her as leverage/ to get to you. Don’t doubt it.
I don’t know how much you have read of the blogs and articles here – please read more. Everything you say in your post is referenced SOMEPLACE here – probably many places.
Keep posting – there are many women here with children who can offer you their wisdom and experience. ya gotta wise up about his actions – so that YOU CAN begin to decipher his actions. And you can do this, and as you do, you will see how much he has hurt you and is NOT A GOOD BEING FOR YOUR HEART OR IN YOUR LIFE…And slowly you will unhook.
all best
one step
Kathy – I am finding your posts to other people really helpful for me. I can see I went through most of the anger AT HIM about three yrs ago for the way he had treated me so what is coming up now is residual anger viewed in the light that he has a major personality disorder. I now firmly know it is about ME rather than HIM. For a long long time in the relationship I blamed him for all the bad things that happened – I tried to analyse – what am I being shown here? Why is this happening? But I didn’t make the connection to childhood hurts at all – well I did but it was fleeting and never really stuck well. It would just pass through my head when I was trying to problem solve the relationship ‘Hey isn’t this like what happened to my mum? ANd hasn’t he done this thing like my dad did to me?’ It never stuck with me and I would be off hunting for another solution.
I had major major anger back then towards him for all the hurts he had caused. It was legitimate anger but expressing it did me no good – it didn’t change the relationship and it didn’t allow me any healing from what had already wounded me. It wasn’t till I really got that this is about ME that things started to shift. I guess I saw that about two yrs ago now. True I didn’t know he was a P back then and there has been another grief cycle to go through in accepting that and realising there was absolutely nothing I could do – it was just a waste of time, energy and tears. But when I really got it was about me the questions I was asking shifted …
Why did I not have a bar to judge when enough was enough? I remember saying to him ‘WHen will you have done enough so I can leave?’ And ‘Please hit me so I can just go.’
My measure of a bad man was someone who hits and punches physically – the fact that he did it psychically totally went past my radar although towards the end I instinctually knew what he was doing. I would say ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’ ‘I don’t just exist here like a doll for your use and amusement’ ‘You have destroyed me and ruined my life’ ‘I can’t trust a word from your mouth’ ‘Truth telling is not something you can turn on and off at will – you either are a truth teller or you are a liar’. So some part of me knew, and at times I was so weakened by the assault I was resigned to it. I was numb and stopped trying for anything better.
I got and read Stalking the Soul today … it’s a psychoanalytical book about emotional abuse and how it destroys the soul and identity of the victim. It helped me a lot to read it and see the subterranean undercurrents I was living with – the damage caused by a million hurtful actions a day that are denied and laughed about. It’s a slow death by a thousand paper cuts. I was impressed by the outline of the dynamics as well as the abuser and victim, but disappointed there weren’t more concrete ideas for recovery. How do we recover from this? There are so many areas that need attending to and SPNs usually leave us with lots of practical considerations that require urgent attention. What takes priority? What works for healing? How do you get your identity and life back when all your self confidence has been decimated?
I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know I am getting better slowly. It’s a process of allowing the poison out, trying new things, protecting and encouraging the self, trying to brainwash myself in better ways (ie constantly reminding myself when the hurt hits that he is a P and nothing I could have done would have changed anything), trying to look at the good in my life and reconnect with old interests and being real. Oh and writing writing writing – lots of uncensored flow of consciousness writing. I also use a digital recorder to talk in the mirror. These are huge changes from someone who lived her life waiting for him to indicate what he wanted next. But I don’t find joy in what I used to – I am almost as flat as he always was.
I don’t cry fifteen hours a day now or scream in rage and frustration anymore and intellectually I can understand the whole situation. My heart is not so keen on intellectualising it – it is just plain hurt and protective!I guess it’s big progress in a short time. WHen I came to this site, I just wanted the intensity of the pain to lessen and it has. We always want to be one step ahead in our healing and perhaps patience is my lesson here. I can’t really see the progress or the next step but perhaps if I live mindfully and do my best to become the person I want to be, it will just happen over time. I don’t know. Everyone seems anxious to get out of their particular level of healing = kind of like wanting to be a grown up when you’re just a kid! I am grateful to not be in the dark empty place he put me or in the hellish pain and shock of just having found out. This does feel like a void though.
Probably I need to express more of the emotional stuff coming up = I might start working on a piece of visual art and see what transpires. Thankyou for taking the time to share your experience and thoughts – it really is helpful in navigating these murky waters =- you could have just moved on with your life and forgotten all about it, but you choose to help others – thankyou again.
polly, YAY art!
i have this idea – a composite of me/ the spath as she really is/ some of the sock puppets – pics printed on rag paper and sliced into 1/4 or 1/8th ” strips and woven together to make the composite.
kathleen is a pathfinder for me.
one_step_at_a_time
Thanks. I have ordered the books this weekend so hoping to get some help. He has been telling my daughter he is working on getting money she needs for school, today he said he had it worked out and called her to meet with him. when she met with him he said he doesn’t have the money. WHAT A PSYCHO? This makes me mad at my daughter for putting up with this crap.
I have no clue what is the purpose of these useless bodies (I refuse to refer to waste like this humans) to be using resources that can be used by so many good people on this planet? They are a burden to society with their debts and no work ethics and god knows hell for their families to deal with.
I have been reading quiet a bit on the blogs and some of the stuff helps me and some of the things makes me really mad specially the reality that spath is not suffering, it’s only us who have to deal with the pain of their actions. I was doing so well last year and I really want to find a way to get there again. 🙂
I realise now the reason I have been in so much pain for so long . because I felt so much rage, frustration, hurt, anger, betrayal,against my spath daughter, and had to for the last 15 years swallow it all down in order to get to see my Grandkids.I tried so many times to get an apology from her, but even if I had, she would only have used it as bait to sucker punch me again, and use me as a cash cow again.
Now that I know I can see my GKs via my SIL, I no longer have to pretend to love her.And Oxys right. is it really love we feel for these inhuman, cruel,liars? We have been so brainwashedthat we love our kids, no matter what they do to us, till death do us part.NO! From now on,she has to EARN my love for her, and if she refuse to meet my boundaries,thats it.
She is 45 years old, she KNOWS shes treated me like shit for years and years,{and I went on allowing her to use me.]Like OXY, I HATE LIES!!I have to protect myself from her, and NC is my only option now. Love, Gem.
Want to move on – I am in a similar situation to you. The Pex didn’t want to go (who would want to go – looked after, loved, seen to, fed and cleaned up after, encouraged, assisted and supported!). He went eventually after several months of iciness after I asked him to leave. He then manipulated to come back as a flatmate yr later and we tried again for a couple of weeks but it became apparent to me he would never change – two weeks is all it took – in fact I saw it in the first two days. So once he was in the house and I said ‘This is not working out – you need to go (again)’ He wouldn’t leave. He made me pay for everything for more than a yr and I finally got him out about six wks ago – yay for me! We are also going through divorce. Although many posters on this board were left by the Spath, our situation is more common in abusive relationships – eventually the victim hits rock bottom and sees the light.
Like you he has hardly contacted at all since I named what he did as abuse and called him a psychopath lol. I think that’s meant to communicate to me
‘I won’t be around you anymore in case you MISINTERPRET my wellmeaning gestures and communication as abuse’
Whatever. It didn’t make me doubt myself much as I have written about two hundred pages all about his lousy behaviour and character. It’s supposed to hurt us. But for me I was like Braveheart … “FREEDOM!!!!!”
Yes they are always making promises about being fair with money and they always break them. We have a sick little pet needing treatment – not only does he not assist practically in it’s care, he hasn’t contributed one penny towards specialist fees. Not one. He claims poverty and said ‘I would do anything for that pet if I could, but I don’t have the money.’
Yep he’d do anything except give up a few cocktails a week to contribute. They are cruel. We are best not to depend on them for anything and to not expect them to make good on their promises – it only leads to inevitable disappointment.
Sorry you’re going through it too – we will get there though!
One Step = you fully should make your art … and try to get a pic to us! It’s a good physical thing for us to do with our anger and gives expression to the unspeakable we have been through. Very therapeutic!